Storytime with Amanda Meyer: Theme party phylum

In the words of The Beastie Boys, "If I knew it was going to be that kind of party I'd stick my dick into some mashed potatoes!" ... Yeah, I don't know what the means either.

So as previously mentioned, it’s now seeming like fall and it’s definitely back to school. Now, I don’t know if you know this, but Boston is kind of a college town and our city’s population has very recently swelled to 800,000, accommodating an additional 200,000 or so twenty-somethings. And what’s a better way for these co-eds to spend a night at than at a party? Specifically, at a themed party!

A ride on the Green Line last weekend reminded me of just how hip and happening themed parties are here. I would say that a good 60 to 70 percent of the parties I am invited to have some sort of theme. Popular themes include white and/or black parties, the 1980s, CEOs and corporate hos, Boston sports figures and the roaring twenties.

Now, I admit, from time to time I have been the host of such a party. Last year, my roommate and I got a tad drunk and we ended up whipping out our credit cards and buying some costumes online. It was July. Later that week the costumes arrived and we realized, “Oh crap! We just wasted $60 each on costumes... in July!” So we had a very, very premature Halloween Costume Extravaganza. (I want to make a quick side note, I was very happy with the costume, which was purchased here. I highly recommend the site if you find yourself invited to a themed party or if you are considering a career as a stripper and/or exotic dancer.)

I’m going to include some photos inspired by this party to really illustrate the rest of my story, which I call ‘The Three People You Meet at Themed Parties.’

First, we see the girl who drunkenly (though often these costumes are bought stone cold sober) bought an elaborate ‘army girl’ costume (and yes this is exactly what I bought, and you should all just stop laughing right now). These are the people who secretly (or openly) love themed parties and want to go above and beyond to fit in at the event, they are also usually female. These people are the ones who are “attending” on Facebook, who instead of bringing their own beer, brought their own tequila. These people aren’t just in costume, they have the makeup, shoes, and jewelry to complete the outfit. They are absolutely offended by the other types of people at this party.

This leads me to person number two. This person is called “guy in the horse mask.” This guy responded as “maybe attending” on Facebook, because he loves parties, but doesn’t love themes and is holding out for a better offer. When a better offer is not found, he will pull together a lame excuse of a costume at the last minute, but will ensure it has enough comic value for him to still get appreciation on the effort. This person is usually a guy, and his prime motivation for complying to the theme is the possibility of getting laid later on by one of the girls who fell into the first category.

The last type of person at a themed party is “that other dude.” This guy (and this person is almost certainly a guy) came for the booze and didn’t even bother to dress up, and he probably didn’t even respond to the Facebook invite. He knows he’ll get crap for his lack of dress, but only until everyone in costume is wasted, at which point they will promptly forget about it. This guy probably came under duress, as a date, or possibly due to peer pressure from a good friend. In the end, he still has as much fun as everyone else, possibly more, and the pictures on Facebook the next day are far less embarrassing for him.

Now I’m not here to pass judgment on any of these people, just a few observations I have made at the many parties I go to. I will even be so bold as to say that while you were reading that, you said “oh my gosh, it’s like she knows ME” during one of those descriptions. And by the way, since I clearly fall into the first category, if anyone has some cool and not overdone themes to suggest for my future parties, please let me know. I might even invite you and make you the guest of honor!