DON'T READ THIS: Blogging LOST, Week 3

In keeping with last week, here is another running diary of LOST. Of course, huge spoilers on this week's episode follows, and as always, Amanda and Tom will be providing some commentary as well.

9 p.m. - A short recap this week, and we're apparently going to be following Locke (and hopefully Fake Locke) for a bit. In Bizarro LAX, he's getting out of his van with the fancy ramp, which stalls and makes him fall down on to the lawn, with the sprinklers smacking him in the face. How farcical and morbidly funny! And hey, Peg Bundy is back as his girlfriend! That's nice that he has love again. She finds the card from Dr. Jack Shepard in his clothes, and says maybe it's destiny that they ran into each other. Nifty, huh?

The scene shifts to the Smoke Monster. It hovers outside of a building in the Others' village for a bit, and then finally forms around a machete, which Fake Locke takes. He had Richard tied up in a trap, but finally chops him down. First commercial break.

9:07 p.m. - Short break, as we're back to Locke in his office. And his evil boss Randy is harassing him about his walkabout, and then shitcans him for lying about attending the conference. Aw, poor Locke.

We move to Fake Locke on the Island. He mentions that he knew Locke's appearance would gain him access to Jacob, because Locke is a "candidate." Fake Locke tries to appeal to Richard by saying that he'll tell him everything as opposed to keeping him in the dark, but Richard refuses to join him. Fake Locke is then seemingly going to kill him, but gets distracted by something, and lets him go.

Flash to Ben on the Island. He's talking to Alana or Illana or whatever her name is - Amanda and I don't know. Amanda comes up with the name Wannabe Jackass, which seems appropriate. WJ says that Fake Locke is now "recruiting."

Fake Locke is now going through the cottage with the music from earlier; a vinyl is playing on a record. In another room, James (Sawyer) is drinking himself into a stupor - It seems like Fake Locke has his first recruitment target.

Amanda: Oh God damn it he is sexy. Even as a brooding alcoholic with a broken heart. And absolutely NO good can come from this. Well I mean, really. Locke is clearly this insane Smoke Monster with a plan. And Sawyer is VERY vulnerable and angry right now. He's got a hairline temper and is liable to fly off the handle at any second. If Locke starts devising crazy plans, Sawyer could go along with it. And shit will go down.

9:18 p.m. - Back from the second commercial break, we're sticking with Sawyer and Fake Locke. (Sawyer is in his underwear and a wife-beater, hence Amanda's great like.) Amanda says, "How'd Sawyer get so dirty? ;) I think that LOST and Intervention could have an amazing crossover episode."

Wow, Sawyer catches on right away that Fake Locke is fake. Fake Locke says he can answer the most important question in the world - Why Sawyer is on the Island. And even drunk, Sawyer gets in some good zingers, but agrees to go .

Amanda: NO. 1) Don't go with him. 2) NO PANTS!

We flash to Bizarro LAX. Hugo Reyes, the OWNER of Locke's company, has a confrontation with him outside of his (former) job. He offers him a new job with his temp agency.

Now we're on the beach. Wannabe Jackass covers up the corpse of Locke, and says they should go to the Temple, luring Sun with her by saying that Jin might be there. They postpone their plans though to bury Locke.

Flash over to Fake Locke and Sawyer, and Fake Locke sees a kid in the jungle. He chases after him, eventually falling at his feet. In an eerie similarity to Real Locke, the kid tells him that he knows the rules and can't kill, which causes Fake Locke to scream, "Don't tell me what I can't do!" Third commercial break.

Tom: Tween Jacob. Can't wait for LOST babies - It'll be better than Muppet Babies.

9:28 p.m. - Back on the Island, Richard catches up to Sawyer and warns him that Fake Locke will lie to him. Richard runs, and Fake Locke and Sawyer have an awkward exchange.

In Bizarro LAX, Locke and Rose has a short exchange. She runs the temp agency, and apparently, she still has terminal cancer. Aw. But she convinces Locke to take a more realistic job, as opposed to construction foreman.

Back on the Island, Sawyer and Fake Locke are walking through the woods. Sawyer talks about Of Mice and Men, which Fake Locke has no recollection of, and Sawyer pulls a gun on him, asking him what will happen if he pumps a slug into his brain. Fake Locke says he used to be a man, like Sawyer, and lures him into further intrigue and not shoot him.

9:38 p.m. - Apparently, according to a conversation between Wannabe Jackass and Ben, Fake Locke is stuck in his current form for some reason. They stick Locke in the ground, and Ben does a short eulogy. "John Locke was a... believer. He was a man of faith, he was a much better man than I will ever be and I'm very sorry I murdered him." The Pilot gets in a pretty nifty line right after, "Weirdest damn funeral I've ever been to." Nice.

We flip to Bizarro LAX, and Locke is calling for Jack. But he gets the secretary and doesn't talk! Eeck. Locke confesses to Helen that he got fired, and of course, right as he does, the doorbell rings. The airplane company found his baggage. Locke tells Helen that he lied about the conference, and has her open the case, which was full of his knives. He says he wasn't allowed on the walkabout. "I'm sick of imagining what my life would be out of this chair." Helen and Locke kiss passionately, after she rips up Jack's card. nooooooo!

Flash over to the Island with Fake Locke and Sawyer. They apparently have to climb down a ladder on a cliff, to God knows where. One of the steps snaps as Sawyer tries to climb down it, and then, the ladder detaches from the face of the cliff. Fake Locke grabs Sawyer as he dangles, and they manage to make it to the outcrop they were shooting for. It is a small cavern with a scale, with a black rock and a white rock balancing each other. Fake Locke throws the white rock out into the water, and then lights a torch to show him why he's there - There is some sort of mural on the wall, with his name and various others. Shocking! And we hit another commercial break.

Tom: I hope they're going to explain something in the last 10 minutes.

9:53 p.m. - In Bizarro LAX, Locke is somehow watching kids run laps, and then teaching them about... the human reproductive system. I guess he's a substitute teacher. And Ben Linus teaches European history! What a weird turn of events.

We flip over to the Island, where Fake Locke is showing Sawyer around Jacob's cave. Each main cast member corresponds to a number, and Fake Locke says that Jacob was pushing all of them toward the Island. Fake Locke says they are all "candidates" to become the protector of the Island, and then says that there is no need for a Protector. Fake Locke also crosses out Locke's name on the wall. Fake Locke asks Sawyer if he's ready to go home, and Sawyer says, "Hell yes."

Amanda: I'm not buying it, Locke. If it's that easy, why are you still there? Sorry. There's more to it than this.