The Baggage Game - Friday, August 27, 2010

Today, we have an episode that I've seen before, but it's new to you! We have Nikki, a charming blonde business owner from Burbank, California. (Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew always call Burbank "Rapebank" because they're notorious for raping you with parking tickets.) She's wearing this shiny red dress top with short sleeves, which isn't really flattering, but she has a good body; like an attractive Reese Witherspoon. Nikki wants someone who's funny and clever and smart, which she calls the perfect characteristics. Jerry wisecracks, "I'm sorry, I thought you were looking for a man." Zing! On fire right out of the gate.

First dude is Correy, an animator from San Diego who creates his own comic strips. He also has a stupid hat. Next up is Alistair, who is a hunky "web developer" from Los Alamos, California. He looks like the preppiest mofo alive, since he's wearing a pink-ish dress shirt covered by a wool lavender sweater. And finally, there is Dan, an advertising executive from Detroit, who is a former marine, but kind of short.

First Round
Correy: I wear cheetah print underwear.
Alistair: I have 250 unicorn figurines in my room.
Dan: I'm a terrible dancer.

Nikki doesn't mind the cheetah print underwear, which Correy explains it part of an obsession. Well, he doesn't use that word, but he beyond the underwear, he has a bag, bedsheets, stuffed animals and a tattoo. (Jerry: You know if you pick him, you've picked a cheetah. HI-OH!) Alistair's baggage is weird for a heterosexual man, but kind of endearing. As far as Dan, how does that even count? You're a dude! If I go on the show, does that mean I can use "I don't like the color pink." as baggage?

Second Round
Correy: I dump girlfriends via text message.
Alistair: I take women to fast food restaurants.
Dan: I bring my flask on dates.

Nikki has the biggest problem with the text message thing, which is about as equally bad as the fast food restaurant thing to me. Stopping there for a bite to eat is fine, but bringing someone there specifically for a date? Now that be weird. The text message thing, meh - I would just plan on not being dumped. And like I've said, I don't really think there is a "good" way to break something off, so I'm OK with any way that it happens to me. I actually find the flask thing to be the most inappropriate. Seriously, you can't go without booze for just a couple hours? Or you're too cheap to buy a drink for someone?

Final Elimination Round
Alistair: I've dumped over 200 women.
Dan: I live out of my car.

If I told you just that about Alistair, you could probably guess that he is a beautiful bastard. Nikki isn't nearly concerned enough about this, which makes me convinced that she is #201. He especially seems to stoke her interest by saying, "I just haven't found a woman who can keep up with me." Slick. Then again, Dan lives out of his effing car, so he doesn't have any chance anyway. Goodness. Dan explains that he's subletting his house to help pay for some family health issues, and he's recently moved back from there to his current area, and he's staying in his car temporarily.

Unsurprisingly, Nikki picks Alistair the Womanizer. Nikki's baggage is one of the three...

- My dad is a woman.
- I'm a webcam stripper.
- I faked a serious illness to get cash from my ex.

For Alistair, the biggest worry would be the cash from the ex thing. I can understand that, but I'd go with the webcam stripper thing. I wouldn't really be comfortable with random strangers leering at my girlfriend on the Internetz, ick. The woman to man thing, meh. It's not like I'm going to be best friends forever with her parents.

Anyway, Nikki reveals that her dad is indeed a woman. (Jerry sure does seem to attract the transgenders, regardless of what show he's on, it seems.) Nikki says that she and "Alexis" are best friends and talk on the phone everyday. I find this weird even if her dad wasn't a woman, by the way, since I find it odd when people are best friends with their parents and not in a funny, situation comedy, like The Golden Girls.