The Baggage Game - Wednesday, September 15, 2010

If you don't know, now you know... person. Excess Baggage is here, and as usual, you can see the complete episode at the bottom.

Today's contestant is Christa, a very tall "spray tanner" from Firecrest, Washington. Ironically, although she presumably works at a spray tanning place, she is pale and looks kind of Keri Russell. She wants a man with success and "smartness" and dance moves. She wants a guy who can "dance his way through life."

Up first is a security guard from Orlando, Florida - Allen. He's bald, and immediately does a one-hand dance move thing, which immediately impresses Christa. What a ringer! Next is Josh, a pasty white executive assistant from Detroit who inexplicably likes the Buffalo Bills and Phish. And finally, there is Tom, a biological specimen collector from Miami who looks exactly how you'd think he looks.

First Round
Allen: I require three "guy nights" a week. (Jerry asks, "Have you ever had a three-guy night?")
Josh: I got my roommate fired.
Tom: I love smelling my ear wax.

Josh said the kid really rubbed him the wrong way, so he didn't give him a message that wound up with the kid getting fired. Meanwhile, Tom proves that sometimes looks aren't deceiving. He remarks to Christa that he'd love to "smell her ear wax," which sounds as bad it is. And Allen comes off as a bit of a pig.

Second Round
Josh: I pretend to climax. (Jerry says, "I don't know what the point is.")
Tom: I polish my toenails and fingernails.
Allen: I was in a Caribbean jail.

How and why the heck is a dude pretending to climax??? What a useless skill. However, the polishing thing is so weird that I'd probably ditch him, even though it's kind of a minor thing. The Caribbean jail thing is mildly concerning, but I imagine it's for a minor thing as well.

Christa eliminates The Pretender though, which I can't blame her for. His explanation makes him sound like a douche - Sometimes your partner finishes before you and you just want to roll over and go to bed. Tom continues to prove that he's a weird mofo, and Allen explains that he "got into a scuffle" while vacationing.

Hot spot time! Allen would go to a dance club, he has mancrushes on Michael Jackson and James Brown, and his secret sexual fantasy is "a girl that smells good around the neck area." (He does several dance moves during this, which impresses her.) Tom's sex life is best described by Cougar Town, the coolest thing he owns is a car, he likes licking girl's teeth (???) to get them in the mood, and he would take his pants off if he was alone in her house.

Final Elimination Round
Allen: I used to be a pimp.
Tom: I gambled away my college tuition playing online poker.
Josh (eliminated): I destroyed a car and blamed it on a hobo.

Holy heck, that's surprising for Allen. He adds that it did teach him how to "properly treat a lady." But it's not as sad and pathetic as Tom's overall package, so there is no way that I can see Christa picking him. With his baggage, Josh seems like a cartoonish character from a TV drama. Too bad he's gone. Womp womp womp.

And, this is legitimately shocking to me - Christa sends Allen home! Wow! They exchange a biggggg hug on the stage, and she cracks up and pretends to pick his ear. Maybe she has more of a sense of humor than I initially thought. You go girl! Anyway, her baggage is one of these three:

- I was one of seven sister wives in a polygamist family.
- I attacked my ex with a chainsaw.
- I've never gone all the way.

Christa looks to be in her late 20s, so the virgin thing wouldn't bug me enough to not date her. However, attacking her ex with a chainsaw? Being a polygamist wife? Both of those are potential dealbreakers for me, depending on the circumstances. (Tom laughs about the chainsaw thing and says, "Nice!")

When queried by Jerry, Tom says the virginity thing would bug him the most. "I like to get down and dirty," he said. And of course, that's her baggage. (This suddenly makes more sense about why she's not so into Allen The Pimp.) She comes across as humble and sweet while explaining that she's waiting for the right guy, which makes me like her more. (She's gone from a C- at the start of an episode to an A- now to me.) Tom accepts her baggage anyway though, and they hug nice and tight. (Tom still seems like a creepy rowe-butt.)