Stephen on Stuff: January 2020

Thursday, January 30, 2020

Steveats: Taco Cabana

This feature went away for a while, but now... IT'S BACK! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

Obviously, Texas is more well-known for its Mexican food, and especially TexMex, than New England. When I first moved here, I was delighted to see all of the options, and as I search on Yelp, it returns me 90(!) options within five miles. Wonderful!

While I've really enjoyed some of the higher-end options, there is also a chain that is all over the place out here, even more so than Taco Bell. Since you've read the title of this entry, presumably, you probably already know that its Taco Cabana. Per Wikipedia and company press releases on the web, they had 176 stores as of 2017, and man, there are a TON of them in the Houston area.

As far as the food goes? Eh, it's fine! Here's the thing – My first time there, I went inside to get takeout, but I didn't realize that most of the toppings, you're supposed to put on yourself at a little bar in the store. When you look at the basic, bare taco they give you, it's... very, very bare.

I've been back a couple times since, and I'm happy to report that the product is a bit better with the salsa and sauces you can add in at the toppings bar. We're still not talking about Chipotle-level, five-pound burrito creations, but it's a nice, light meal in comparison to there or Taco Bell.

The other draw for Taco Cabana and my schedule is that they're open somewhat late. There is one less than a mile from my house that's open until 11 on Fridays, and it was a godsend during football season because it offered free wireless Internet too. That's a leg-up on fellow Texas chain Whataburger, although that place has much better food options.

Taco Cabana is also somewhat budget-conscious. I say “somewhat,” because you don't get a ton of food, but you can also eat and drink fairly cheap. After a couple trips, my go-to order is a meal that has two cheese-and-bean tacos, with chips, queso and a drink. The total is about $4.50, and the calorie count is substantially lower vs. the $5 Taco Bell box meals. The queso isn't anything special, but its better than the “sauce in a jar” from the usual grocery stores.

Taco Cabana also offers $3 to $5 frozen margaritas, although annoying, the staff seems to waver on whether or not you need to order food with them. Half the time, the server tells me yes, while the other times, they don't give a crap. (My sample size is only two, here, though.)

Anyway! Taco Cabana is by no means an essential spot to visit. But it's great if you're trying to fulfill a very narrow niche – sports reporter looking to file a story late before deadline – and you're sick of the usual spots like McDonald's and Whataburger.

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Thursday, January 23, 2020

Steveats: Cici's “Pizza” Buffet

Two lifeless pizza slices, but surprisingly OK cheesy bread.

For some reason, one commercial we would get quite a bit in Rhode Island would be for Cici's Pizza Buffet. Sure, it's not weird that they advertise on national television programs, but I'd also hear radio ads for them on HJY. It's strange, because the closest one is about 200 miles away in New Jersey. Although, as I'm about to get to, that might be appropriate.

In Texas, they have plenty of Cici's, so of course I had to go. And let me tell you – They aren't selling pizza, they're selling cardboard. I've had plenty of low grade pizza in my day, and I'm on record as kind of liking Sbarro. In the past, I've even had a breakdown of gas station pizza, and I compared a couple of those pizzas to cardboard.

The “pizza” at Cici's is worse than all of those places. It's not entirely surprising, since the margins for the business must be incredibly small, at a price of about $5 per buffet participant, depending on where you live. It is a sort of bizarre middleground between a thin crust and a pan pizza, without the positive qualities of either. The sauce and cheese don't really have much taste either, so the low-grade toppings are doing a lot of the “work” here.

I tried a wide variety of pizza at Cici's, and it all sucked. They also offer salad (hard to screw up) and pasta, which is... fine. They're likely using the same marinara sauce for the pizza and pasta though, since it's a mostly inoffensive pasta mush that they serve. They also had an Alfredo sauce pasta when I was there, which was a bit better, although strangely, the spinach Alfredo pizza was still complete garbage.

If you must eat at Cici's, I can only recommend one thing – the cheesy / garlic bread. According to the Cici's website, it's only 140 calories per two slices, which seems impossible to me. Mine was loaded up with a crap-ton of butter and garlic, which made it much more tolerable than the rest of the menu. If, for some sick reason, you need to order takeout, just load up on the cheesy bread.

My friend and fellow podcast co-host Todd Brisket warned me that Cici's was strictly a cheap place for 'za that you bring the kiddos, but man, I don't even think it clears that bar. The Pizza Hut buffet is 1.5-2x the price, but that's worth it for the jump in quality you get. Any place there might be a Cici's, there is likely a Chinese buffet, and even the weird pizza they have there is a better option than this.

Thursday, January 16, 2020

Steveats: Steak 'n Shake garlic and regular steakburgers

Garlic steakburger.

While making the drive from Rhode Island to Texas, and during a scouting trip to Houston, there was one fast food chain that consistently caught my eye – Steak 'n Shake.

We don't have any in Rhode Island, and frankly, I hadn't even heard of it until regularly listening to the Doughboys podcast. The “commissioner” of the show, comedian Evan Susser, is always stumping for the chain, and I do love me an affordable fast food burger. Once we moved out here, there was one I passed constantly on i-10, and even when we traveled to Missouri for a wedding, there was one right next to our hotel!

So, it was clearly FATE that this is my first non-New England food item to write about. I've been twice, getting a regular burger one time, and the second time, a garlic burger. And you know what? They were good!

Now from the photos, you probably know that these are not life-changing burgers. They're just really well-done, simple fast food burgers. The meat does taste like a clear step up from the McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King level, even though it it as their price point vs. Five Guys or a fast casual place. I didn't get a shake either time though, because I'm now An Old and I can't handle the calories. (I've now found a regular basketball game though, so maybe a third visit in is order.)

One thing though – The fries are garbage. I had them plain, and I had them Cajun style, and both times they disappointed. I'm not sure if it's more of a Southern / Texas thing or just random, but I've now run into several places that go with the shoestring fries, instead of a “normal” or a steak fry. Every time I get a shoestring fry, it just reminds me of the cheapo ones you'd buy from the freezer section of the grocery store. (But even now, they have plenty of fuller-sized options available.)

I'm focusing a bit too much on the fries here, though. The steakburgers alone made my Steak 'n Shake visits enjoyable, and I'd definitely go back. That... will not be the case with several other places I've visited out here. BUM BUM BUM!

Normal burger, with hand for scale.

Thursday, January 9, 2020

Steveats: Cracker Barrel's country fried turkey

Somewhat surprisingly for a man known for questionable food decisions, I hadn't ever been to a Cracker Barrel before embarking on this little (ir)regular writing venture of mine. It would seemingly be right in my wheelhouse – a chain of questionable quality, with weird, gravy-coated offerings? – but it is quite awkwardly placed in my old stomping grounds of Rhode Island. It's right off of Route 95 in Coventry... but so is Popeye's, and if I'm going along that stretch, you can bet I'm going to Popeye's instead of Cracker Barrel.

However, this feature always leaves me looking to try things to write about, and I was finally enticed in during the Thanksgiving time frame with an offering that may or may not be seasonal – country fried turkey. I sometimes have a hankering for the “country fried” variety of food, although with steak, I usually take two bites and go, “Why yes, that is what it tastes like, and I'm quite satiated, thank you.” I was expecting a similar experience with Cracker Barrel.

But here's the thing... It was shockingly good. By this, I mean that the skin had a nice, fried crisp, and the meat was succulent and tender. Like, as far as a fried bird tender went, this was one of the better ones I've had. Typically, whether you're talking KFC or Applebee's or McDonald's, if you're getting the chicken tendies, you're getting a dipping sauce, because they're dry. Not the case here! The white gravy on top was quite unnecessary, because the turkey was moist on its own, and because white gravy is a disgusting-looking food substance.

Let me be clear though – This is not the start of a love affair with Cracker Barrel, because the rest of my meal was utterly and completely flavorless, and the total came out to around $15. This is more in line with what I was expecting, basically, bland food for the family. I got two piles of mush that they called mashed potatoes, and macaroni and cheese, but they were hard to tell apart except by color. Some cranberry chutnuy added a third color – crimson – to my plate, and it had enough “kick” to be mixed into the mashed potatoes. Lastly, I got two biscuits, which were pretty big and flavorless.

All in all, I got one good food option out of five at the Cracker Barrel. From hearing other friends describe their past experiences with the chain, this seems like a good percentage, and I shant risk lowering it with another visit anytime soon.

Thursday, January 2, 2020

Steveats: Burger King (and Jack in the Box) tacos

This is a BK taco.

My consistent nemesis on this blog, Burger King, has been hyping yet another one of their culinary flailings lately – the $1 taco. Now, I'm not as fundamentally opposed to this as one might think! It is a low price point, and hey, it's not like Taco Bell is using grade-A meat in their offerings, which scratch at my lizard brain in a delightful way. Burger King's products theoretically are made of meat, so the King offering a taco doesn't strike me as too outlandish.

However, the execution leaves a lot to be desired. Frankly, the product was nearly a 1:1 copy of another disappointing food item I tried during my first week in Texas, when I was desperate for some cheap fast food – The Jack in the Box taco. In fact, I'm going to describe BOTH of them at the same time in this entry, because I'm almost positive they were created by the same culinary master.

Firstly, the shell. It basically tastes like a Frito, and I don't mean this as a positive. I mean that the taco shell is oddly crispy and crunchy, like they double fried the thing or something. Until tasting the Jack taco, I didn't even know a shell could be “too crunchy.”

Secondly, the “meat,” quote usage intentional. I don't know what this sludge was, but it didn't really taste like any normal ground beef. Both Burger King and Jack use a type of meat I would classify as a slurry. It tastes highly pureed, which probably causes all of the good stuff in the batch to sink to the bottom of whatever disgusting urn they're using to cook it in. (I'm picturing something akin to a witch's brew pot.) Jack has a squirt of some red, tomato-y kind of sauce in there, which basically tastes like watered-down ketchup.

My other bulletpoints here: I give the slight edge to Jack, because while the tacos are awful, their version is priced better at two-for-$1. Both had a decent amount of lettuce, but too little cheese, which would have helped to cover up the awfulness of the meat. At both places, I got some other items – mozzarella sticks at BK (very meh, but OK for $1), and the double burger at Jack (standard burger, not bad, but behind the cheapo burgers available at McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King).

As I've noted here, it seems like BK has been casting about for successful items for years now, mostly with limited success, except for the Cheetos mac and cheese items that probably require a hefty licensing fee. According to Restaurant Business Online, BK is in a kind of weird spot. The chain is closing around 200 to 250 low-volume stores a year, but it is also opening 1,000 stores a year. The article notes that the company is growing in Russia, China and Latin America; I'd be shocked if much of the growth was in the U.S.