The Baggage Game: Saturday, August 14, 2010

Ah, the long lost return of The Baggage Game! For some past editions of the game, check out here. Today's contestant is Jet, a sports fan who's job is listed as "musical theater" in San Angelo, Texas. He's a dude with shady facial hair - a mustache and a five o'clock shadow. He wants someone who "likes to stay in shape" which is code for "hot." Jet himself is easy on the eyes, it seems. (EDIT: Episodes are back to being streamed online! I'll probably make a proper link-up of the episodes I've review with streams at some point, but for now, you can watch this full episode embedded at the bottom.)

His potential dates are: Tricia, a writer from Howell, Michigan, who is in a ruffled red dress and looks very, very slightly like Alison Brie from Community and Mad Men. (She's a dead ringer for my actress friend Kristen Casey too, except that no one reading this knows who she is.) Next is Maija (pronounced Mya, ugh), who is not black, but a tall, blonde journalist from New York. She looks like she is six inches taller than him. Finally, there is Susan, another blonde and a sports fan and masseuse from Northport, N.Y., but she is in this hideous blue dress. It looks like a cloth bag and ends mid-thigh; I'm a big hater of that style. booooo. Susan herself is good-looking, like a pretty Caroline Rhea. Tricia is definitely the most attractive, but she also seems like the youngest by a good five years.

Jet says he's excited to see "what's inside those bags," which sounds worse than it is.

First Round
Tricia: I refuse to ride escalators.
Maija: I'm a big pot smoker.
Susan: I'm an obnoxious backseat driver.

Tricia has obviously seen Mallrats. Jet quips, "I guess she's afraid of standing." Jet proves he's down with the herb, as he asks of Maija, "Is that really baggage?" This would be the biggest baggage with me though. She said she just smokes because she has a prescription, but then goes on a big pro-pot rant. Susan, meh. I'd just let her drive everywhere.

Second Round
Tricia: I stuff my bra. (As Jerry reads it, he quips, "I don't, but the person who this belongs to does.")
Maija: I sleep with my seven dogs.
Susan: I practice witchcraft.

Okay... The dogs thing is concerning, but the witchcraft thing, that's definitely screwed up. I'm pretty much Squares McSquaresville, so that's definitely the dealbreaker for me. Jet is actually a funny dude, at least so far, and he agrees with me. Susan is the one eliminated, and hopefully, she doesn't hex me for reading this.

The bra-stuffing isn't really that concerning to me, you know, as long as I get to touch them eventually. Tricia seems like a sweet person - She has worked five years as a Disney princess, she speaks French fluently and she sponsors some kids in Guatemala. Maija says that she is a big, big cuddler, and basically goes Full Slut (like Robert Downey Jr. goes Full Retard in Tropic Thunder) to attract him. She adds that she is working on a book right now. (Note: Despite her weird name, and the fact that she claims to be a journalist, I can't find any record of her on Google, which strikes me as odd, and makes me think she is BS'ing her job and background.)

Final Elimination Round
Tricia: I won't have sex until marriage.
Maija: I've been on 300 first dates in the past three years.

And, well, there goes Tricia's chances. Jet says he loves sex. I'm not sure how I'd handle that, and luckily, I don't have to chose :D Meanwhile, Maija, holy smokes. Jet jokes, "How'd you have the time to make it here?" Jerry notes that there seems to be a difference in their approaches. Maija says that she began Internet dating, and 98 percent of them were the wrong guy. (I've done Internet dating too, and gotten like... a date a month. I guess having large breasts would have helped me more.) She says this while sounding like the biggest hesher ever, so I'd definitely skew more toward Tricia.

Jet takes a dramatic step toward the stage, eyes them both for a couple seconds, and then... closes Maija's briefcase. Womp womp wompppp. Tricia seems happy to win, and has an awkward hug with Jet. His baggage is one of these three things:

- I slept with my ex-girlfriend's mother.
- I have a room just for my snakes.
- I sleep on my brother's couch, and I have no job and no car.

Ick. Of these, #3 would be the most concerning now, while #1 and #2 would just make me question his judgment in general. (Jerry jokes that she doesn't care so much about #2, because she won't be handling snakes until she marries him. ZING! He's on fire this episode.) Tricia agrees with me, and of course, Jet reveals that this is indeed his baggage. Jet spins some BS, about how he travels a lot between New York and L.A., and he's trying to establish a business with his brother. Shockingly though, she accepts his baggage anyway, and they exchange a little kiss. (Note: Jet is a beautiful bastard.)

After the episode, Jet says he was apprehensive about Tricia at first, because of the no sex thing. She then zings him and says, "Well you don't have a bed anyway." mwhahahaha. She is way too good for him. (p.s. Tricia call me!)

The Alison Brie photo is from here. And here is an embedding of the full episode, with the warning that the availability fluctuates from time to time: