The Baggage Game - Wednesday, September 1, 2010

For this episode, check out the bottom of this entry. You can find the excess baggage here.

Ah, yet another installment of The Baggage Game! As usual, please hold your applause. Today's dude is Marcus, who is black, bald and studly looking. Kind of like a smaller Pedro Cerrano from Major League. (Actually, he looks more like Tim Meadows, now that I examine him more closely.) He is a clerical worker from Moreno Valley, California, which sounds utterly fascinating. He's looking for a "ride or die" chick - wtf? You're a clerical worker.

First up is Dawn, a fitness expert from Mankato, Minnesota. She likes a guy "not afraid to get dirty." She is tall, brunette, pretty yet generic. Next is Michelle, an optometrist from Ashton, Maryland. She likes skydiving and exploring new cultures, and wants a man who can drive a stick shift. Finally up is Jessica, an ex-sports business executive from Mexico City, Mexico. That's probably the weirdest background I've seen yet for a contestant, but hey, good for her.

First Round
Dawn: I love popping other people's zits.
Michelle: I've spent over $8,000 on shoes in two years.
Jessica: I talk to my mom at least 40 times a day.

Whew boy! First, Dawn - I've actually run into this before. Not zits, but I've had ex'es who like to scratch at scabs and what not on my body. It's weird, but it wouldn't necessarily stop me. Michelle obviously is making some money to afford all those shoes. And Jessica, wow. That would worry me the most.

Second Round
Dawn: I'm afraid of French kissing.
Michelle: I take four hours to get ready. (Jerry says, "At least you know she's a woman.")
Jessica: I dumped a marine while he was overseas.

The kissing thing? Good lord. That would worry me the most of these three, followed by the "four hours to get ready" thing. That's insane. The marine thing, well, I could understand that. Sometimes you just need to break with someone, regardless of the timing, unfortunately.

Marcus chooses to eliminate the marine girl though. You know, because he wants a "ride of die" chick, after all. Jessica turns out to be the eliminated one, which doesn't bug me so much because of the mom thing. However, she does have a good explanation - They hadn't been together that long. Meanwhile, Dawn was my favorite going into this round, but afraid of French kissing? :/ Yikes!

On to the hot spot. If Dawn and Marcus wrote a romance novel together, it would be called freaky fun, and she prefers phone sex over making a sex tape; she also says she would mac and cheese (as a late night snack?), she splurges on groceries, and as a strange talent, she can make her butt wiggle. Michelle would be Sex on the Beach if she was a mixed drink, she'd in Smooth and Sensual with Marcus, a guy can sweep her off her feet by being adventurous and funny and charming, and her signature sex move is being able to do a crabwalk position, or something.

Final Elimination Round
Dawn: I bring my pastor along on dates.
Michelle: I'm desperate to get pregnant... now. (Jerry quips, "You have to let us finish the show first.")
Jessica (eliminated): I crashed five cars in one month.

Well, there goes my future with Dawn. It gets worse, as she admits the pastor is HER DAD. Eff that noise. Michelle's baggage is at least a little more tolerable, and suggests that she wants commitment, which I'm into. Marcus says the making a baby now thing freaks him out, but Jerry points out that he has at least four hours. Jessica didn't really get a chance to explain her baggage, which is probably for the best, seeing what it is.

Marcus goes with Michelle, and Dawn reacts a bit angrily on her way out. Hopefully she can be forgiven by her pastor - I think she knows where he is. hi-oh! Anyway, Marcus' baggage is one of these three:

- I stood someone up at the altar.
- I won't move out of my mother's house.
- I have three DWIs.

Hm... The three DWIs would bug me the most, because it suggests a bad thought process, even if it was from when he was younger. I can vaguely understand getting two, but a third one is just unacceptable. The mom thing, it would depend on the reason. If she's sick, or she has a 40-room mansion, I might understand. If he's a bum, I say FEH. The altar thing I wouldn't like, but I might understand it a little.

Michelle says she's uncomfortable with the mom thing. "If we're trying to make some babies here, I can't have mom upstairs or downstairs." And of course, his baggage is the thing about his mother's house! mwhahaha. Marcus says his mom cooks for him, and cleans for him, and if Michelle lived with him, hey, they'd have a built-in babysitter! When pressed by Jerry about whether he'd move out if he got married, Marcus STILL says no. Wow! Michelle rejects him, as anybody with a pulse would have done. (Afterward, Jerry laughs a bit and says, "Good job!", as the show fades out.)