The Baggage Game - Tuesday, August 31, 2010

As with past editions, the episode can be viewed at the bottom, unless Game Show Network has taken down the link. You can checkout the excess baggage here.

Three in one week??? Some people would say, "Why?", but I say, "Why not? You know, besides the fact that this will get effed out." But hey, y'all had to do without for several weeks, so I consider this as a bit of catch-up. Tonight's dater is Matt, who's some goon that looks like Craig James from King of Queens. He's an "entrepeneur" from Cleveland, Ohio. (This is a frequently used description on the show, and it's usually code for some ridiculous profession.)

The first candidate is Emma, a stylist from Washington D.C. who has stripper tats all along her arms. (Stripper tats meaning those big stars that every stripper / porn star seems to have in a trail along a body part.) She loves nature, gardening, traveling around the world and guys with imagination. Next is Shanta, a cashier from San Diego who likes walks on the beach. She looks a little old to be working as a cashier, though - like early 30s. Finally, there is Vita, a teacher from Olympia, Washington. She's definitely the cutest of the three, as she looks like a mature version of Kristin Stewart. She loves dancing to 80s music and singing karaoke. On to the game!

First Round
Emma: I practice witchcraft.
Shanta: I shave my mustache every day.
Vita: I'm attracted to men who look like my dad.

Holy heck, Shanta's baggage would bug me. Because if you need to shave your mustache every day, it means you have stubble by the next morning. Yikes. Matt politely says that the witchcraft thing is "interesting." Emma says she has been doing a "nature-based, nice" form of witchcraft for 15 years. Vita's baggage doesn't make me pause at all, since it's pretty common and normal.

Second Round
Vita: I refuse to perform oral sex. (Jerry says, "It's amazing that in today's economy, people are still turning down jobs.")
Emma: I use baby wipes instead of bathing.
Shanta: I want my men to dress as Pooh Bear in bed. (Jerry says, "At my age, I don't want Pooh in bed.")

Wow - The baby wipes thing is an easy winner to me, although the Pooh Bear thing is just as weird. Where DO they find these people? The Pooh Bear thing, I could deal with that from time-to-time, provided I liked the person enough. And the oral sex thing... I actually don't view it as the end-all, be-all, so I'd be OK with that.

Matt eliminates the Pooh Bear girl though, which I can understand. It is pretty outlandish. This turns out to be mustache-girl, so he probably eliminated the overall-worst so far. Meanwhile, I swoon just a bit more for Vita - Hopefully Matt rejects her for some trivial reason, so that I can swoop in. Emma, your canvas-like arms and baby wiping just make you undateable in my eyes. You also attack my future wife Vita, how DARE you.

Hot spot time! Emma once lied to her mother about shoplifting a marble (???), she nicknamed an ex pencildick, she collects animal skulls (!), her sexiest body part is her neck, and the best decision she'll make is finding out Matt's baggage and accepting it anyway. (Emma is earning major slut points today.) Vita advises men to treat their women like partners and not new mothers / maids, she's made love in the faculty lounge, she made a documentary about battered women in prison who had killed their husbands, she checks out a guy's eyes first, and she only "fakes it" when she has to be somewhere.

Final Elimination Round
Emma: I had a two-year affair with a married man.
Vita: I left my husband for a cult leader.
Shanta (eliminated): I won't have sex until marriage.

Emma's baggage, meh. She said she did it when she was young and dumb, so I can understand it. But wow, Vita's baggage comes out of left field! She says she got married too young, and fell in love with a man who said he was a Messenger of God. She seems pretty put-together now though, so I'd chose her. Meanwhile, in her plea to Matt, Emma immediately goes to giving him a blow-job, so she's obviously all-class. And Vita strikes back and says that at least she broke up with her hubby before, and she doesn't collect animal skulls.

Thankfully for me, Matt eliminates Vita. Woohoo, time for me to give her a call! Sure, it's a bit of a commute from Rhode Island to Washington, but hey, I'm progressive. (Note to authorities: I don't actually plan on stalking her, please don't arrest me.) Anyway, Matt's baggage is one of the three:

- I've been married six times.
- I'm a bankrupt circus performer.
- I've been arrested for public indecency.

My money is on the public indecency thing, just because Matt doesn't seem outgoing and charming enough to have been married six times, or to be a circus performer. Despite her claim earlier in the show that she would accept his baggage no matter what, Emma says the biggest issue would be the marriage thing. I agree with her - SIX times suggests a pathological sort of problem.

Matt reveals that he's actually a bankrupt circus performer though! How bizarre. He reveals that he is a base, i.e. a support for pyramids and other things. He said he invested poorly in the real estate market, and as a result, went $250,000 in the hole. (She's also about six inches taller than him.) She does the fake out, saying that she's sorry... but she can accept his baggage. Well, good for him!