Things I've learned from Food Network and Top Chef

There are some universal cooking truths that I've picked up from watching all of the various programs on the Food Network, and Bravo's Top Chef. While I'm no master cook, these sort of tips aren't really about my own cooking anyway - More of a reflection of the shows themselves. On to the list, in no particular order:

1) The Food Network has so many random shows that nobody ever suspects that they're on Throwdown. I've probably seen at least 20 episodes of this show, and nobody ever says, "Wow, since when has the Food Network had a show about the best hot dogs produced by pregnant Middle Eastern women?"

I have a lurking suspicion that it is because the Food Network has so many shows that are actually shows that do not sound like shows. You know, like the one about people making high-end cakes, or the various competitions they show from across the states, or the one where the fat guy with the bleach blonde hair eats greasy diner food and shockingly always likes it. Oh, and they always had an awesome Japanese cooking game show that they turned into a lousy American version, and also, a show where they specifically looked for the worst cooks in America.

At this point, if Food Network knocked on my door and said they were giving me a show, I wouldn't doubt them. "Oh, you're trying to get that important low-paid, mid-20s demographic? Sure, let me just dust off my recipe for lamb shanks in Keystone Light..."

2) The cooking ability of a female Food Network chef is inversely proportional to her hotness. Giada De Laurentiis? I didn't even know she was a cook until seeing her show a couple of times. At that point, I noticed that she did indeed have a spice rack underneath her rack. Likewise, Rachel Ray and Sandra Lee are varying degrees of "easy on the eyes" but clearly inferior cooks to others on the channel. However, there is a corollary to this...

3) Hotness matters not on Top Chef for ladies, but it helps if you're a dude. The greatest proof I can offer is that Tiffany (season one) and Casey (season three) both made the finals. However, it invariably seems like the dreamier Top Chef men make the final rounds at a higher percentage. The best example of this was Sam, who just made me turn a little gay as I thought about him. (Sorry for that TMI.) But there was also Fabio of the glorious accent, and the stoic cool of season one's Harold.

4) In any cooking competition, it is a bad idea to do rice or a risotto. Every single season, someone gets eliminated from Top Chef or Top Chef Ripoff (the Food Network star show) because they do a shitty rice or risotto. If you are on one of these shows, please don't attempt a rice or risotto.

In the past, dessert also fit into this category. However, the contestants wizened up to this, as some of the challenges specifically called for making desserts, and the cooks and judges on the various shows acknowledged that people had troubles making desserts.

The picture of Giada is from here. The Flay picture is from this blog.

Storytime with Amanda Meyer: Jeffrey Steingarten and for the love of foie gras

Every Saturday, my friend Amanda Meyer writes a blog entry. One, because I think she's an excellent writer, and two, because I like to have a day off. Questions, comments or concerns? Leave them at the end of this entry, gawd!

Something I have learned about myself this week is that if I could trade lives with anyone in the world I would choose... Jeffrey Steingarten! Shocking, oui?

So he doesn’t have much going in the looks department, he has a funny sounding voice and I’m willing to bet most people don’t even know who he is. But you know what I have to say to those people? Get you butt to a couch and start watching some Food Network!

Steingarten happens to be one of the world’s leading food critics, a field I wish was easier to break into. This guy has a sweet gig going on. First of all, he works for Vogue. Hello! Who doesn’t want to work for Vogue? That magazine can singlehandedly solve any of my life’s problems.

He is also a regular judge on Iron Chef. Not only does this mean he eats delicious food, but he gets a lot of opportunities to meet Bobby Flay (my ultimate celeb crush). I also have a great appreciation for the fact that he graduated from Harvard and then Harvard Law, worked for Boston’s Mayor White, but left politics behind to be a writer. That’s admirable, and he’s really good at it; I highly recommend his book, The Man Who Ate Everything.

This leads me to my next point - The guy is paid to eat (everything!). I blame my love of food on my very Italian family. It was not until I was about 15, when I invited my then-boyfriend over for Christmas Eve dinner, that I realized most Americans do not eat seven courses of seafood over the holidays. I grew up assuming that raw oysters and calamari were every day fare, although I now realize that could not be further from the truth. Silly me.

I have also learned that conversations with new friends about favorite foods seldom go well. Usually they talk about their love of pizza or lasagna or even ribs, to which I express my undying love of foie gras and cioppino (for those of you who care, that’s goose liver pate and Italian fish stew). My obsession with Food Network shows as well as Bravo’s Top Chef only continue to encourage me to try new things, which in turn encourages more and more strange looks from people I tell about them.

But when you’re a famous food critic, I bet you don’t get funny looks. Mr. Steingarten makes these same dishes sound so fantastic that everyone who reads his book will immediately be inclined to book a flight to France for some authentic escargots! I would love that kind of power.

Luckily for me, I have found a great way to share this love of food with other foodies via the Internet. Yelp! is not only a great way to rave or rant about a meal out, but also a wonderful way to find some hidden gems in your area that you just have to try. So maybe this doesn’t put me quite on the same level as my new-found hero, but everyone has to start somewhere. Oh, and if you’re curious, you can find all my reviews under my username: amandabanana.yelp.com.

The picture of Jeffy is from this site here, which has several humorous photos of chefs and others downing some sort of booze.