Steve Greenwell vs. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

A three word review of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - Go see it.

A more expanded, one-sentence review: While the end is a bit uneven, and the movie is definitely gunning for the geek / video game / Michael Cera audience, some neat film-making makes it a movie that is at least worth checking out for all audiences.

Most people out there are either going to love or hate Scott Pilgrim. Seeing as I'm a 26-year-old guy who plays video games, likes music and likes women, I fall exactly into the film's target demographic. Predictably, I loved the film, and I think there is enough in it to make it worth seeing for all audiences. Some ideas I had while watching it...

NOTE: Spoilers now follow. So, if you want to see the movie before reading a somewhat in-depth analysis of it, I recommend you just stop reading right here. (Although, if you're a dude, you might want to look at the picture of Anna Kendrick.)

- As in a typical Michael Cera movie, he plays a dude who is kind of whiny and allegedly unlucky with love... yet he is surrounded by hot women. The movie starts out with him dating a 17-year-old Chinese schoolgirl, as the trailers have pointed out. (Note to Internet perverts reading this: She is of an undetermined age according to IMDB, but the message board there says that she said she was actually 17 "way back when" in a random interview.) Wong has a surprisingly meaty and good performance as Knives Chau, which is the perfect name for this type of movie.

Scott's actual interest for most of the movie is the also-appropriately-named Ramona Flowers, given the constantly changing nature of her hair. The trailers make the 25-year-old Mary Elizabeth Winstead look a bit frumpy, and her haircut really does suck, but she has a really good body. (Example: See the picture from her Maxim shoot to the right. The trailers do a good job of hiding the fact that she is ridiculously hot.) I know this because there are several fight scenes with her kicking ass throughout the movie. Her acting isn't quite as sharp; she mostly plays the mopey female counterpart to Cera's mopey male. But she doesn't torpedo the movie.

- The real stars of the movie in terms of acting are the supporting players. As I mentioned, Cera and Winstead just turn in average performances. They're the "straight men" of the movie, and their whiny, stereotypical relationship is the rock from which all of the humor is derived.

All of Ramona's ex-es get hilarious lines, with the best being Chris Evans as Lucas Lee, a ridiculously stereotypical action star. However, Kieran Culkin also steals scenes as the gay guy that Scott Pilgrim shares a one-bedroom apartment with, and Scott's band (the Super Mario Brothers referencing Sex Bob-omb) has a wonderfully aloof lead singer and an aggressive drummer that used to date Scott. Hell, everyone in this movie besides Scott and Ramona are interesting, even small roles like ridiculously, illegally attractive Anna Kendrick (right) as his nosy, judgmental and yet supportive sister, and Aubrey Plaza of Parks and Recreation as a snotty and foul-mouthed worker at seemingly every place in town, and Brie Larson as Scott's ex-Envy, and Mae "Anne from Arrested Development" Whitman in a surprising role.

- The music and special effects rely heavily on video game culture, which is sure to turn some people off. I'm a whiz at my friend Nippy the Penguin's video game theme music trivia, but most of the clips in the movie are too fast to catch well. I'm pretty sure there is some of the original Zelda, but beyond that, it wouldn't surprise me if most was specifically created mocks for the movie.

The effects come into play via pop-up dialogue boxes and graphical display. For example, when Scott fights one of Ramona's evil ex'es, there is typically a "Versus" screen and a face-off, similar to Street Fighter 2. At times, it feels like a spastic version of Kill Bill, with less of a spaghetti western feel to it.

- The video game influence is present throughout the movie. This is partly what makes it so interesting to me. Reviewers on the Internetz are struggling to compare this film to something, but for me it has two clear influences: Shaolin Soccer and Kung-Fu Hustle. Scott Pilgrim is essentially the kung-fu video game version of these films. The trailers make it seem more like a romantic comedy or date movie, but trust me, it has much more in common with an action movie than a date movie.

Part of this means that there are surprisingly long and well-choreographed fight scenes. I'm positive that Michael Cera and others aren't doing most of their own moves, but hey, it looks exaggerated and cool anyway, which fits the tone of the movie.

- If the movie had a weakness to me, it was the ending portions. The last 15 minutes and final confrontation, while ultimately satisfying, sure did feel not as tight as the first 100. You're kind of left floundering as to the ultimate resolution of the movie's love angle, until one of the characters sort of take the decision out of Scott's hands anyway.

However, the movie is surprising poignant when Scott does walk off into the end of the movie with his choice. The other great "tough" moment comes when he decides to dump Knives. It is wonderfully shot, with the lights and background fading out, and a slight echo to Cera's and Wong's voices. It's a dramatic and great way to portray a breakup, and it was the best critical moment of the film to me.

The Scott Pilgrim picture at the top comes from this blog full of ads that asks if the movie has any black people in it. (Answer: Nope, not a one.)

Inexplicable Book Review: The Men Who Would Be King (Spielberg!)

I really enjoy books about Hollywood. One that I had bookmarked to read for a while has been The Men Who Would Be Kings, which ended up being a great read by Nicole LaPorte. It basically chronicles the rise and fall of DreamWorks, which now only exists as a shell of itself, as opposed to the grand new studio originally imagined by Steven Spielberg, David Geffen and Jeffrey Katzenberg.

When it was originally formed in 1994, they envisioned it becoming another great movie studio, a la Paramount and Universal and MGM. However, problems started from almost day one - Spielberg did some hit movies for other companies, as opposed to directing them for DreamWorks. It didn't help that Katzenberg, who revitalized Disney, flopped with most of his early animation efforts before Shrek: Antz, The Prince of Egypt and The Road To El Dorado were all costly and barely broke even, or flopped badly. It wasn't until Saving Private Ryan (1998), American Beauty (1999), and Gladiator (2000) that the company had some film success, followed by Shrek in 2001. The Ring and Old School were surprising successes, but because they lacked confidence in Will Ferrell and Judd Apatow and Adam McKay, the price for Anchorman skyrocketed from less than $1 million (script only) to more than $4 million, as other companies got into a bidding war.

If you're into a sort of "inside Hollywood" tale, it's fascinating to read about the dynamics between the three mega-partners, and how Spielberg essentially served as a whiny kid for his own company. Almost everything was catered toward Spielberg as the Grand Creator, only for him to not really live up to expectations, and to provide floundering management. I whipped through the 500ish pages in about a week.

A show I'm unusually excited for - Covert Affairs

I will admit that I have had a minor crush on Piper Perabo after seeing her in my teens in Coyote Ugly. Now, the movie really wasn't what I was expecting as a 16-year-old male, but I thought she was quite pleasant in it as the cute blonde singer who has to be coerced a bit into joining a ridiculous bar where the staff dancers for money, but they're not strippers or whores. From the previews, I was expecting Cocktail minus Tom Cruise and plus hot chicks, but it wasn't horrible as far as romantic comedies go.

Note about Coyote Ugly: It has cameos from some surprising people. Johnny Knoxville in a pre-Jackass role? Alex Borstein (Lois from Family Guy and a regular on MadTV as a bidding auction lady? Tom Brady's baby-momma Bridget Moynahan? Kaitlin "Sweet Dee" Olson in a minor role???

Back on to the topic of Perabo though, she's starring in a new USA drama, Covert Affairs. It premieres Tuesday, and it looks like the perfect, breezy sort of show that USA has become known for.

Perabo plays Annie Walker, a young CIA employee that has recently been promoted to a field operative. The commercials for the show present her in a great light - She is equal parts plucky, sexy and vulnerable. Yes, I'm basing my thoughts of Perabo a lot on her appearance, but I've always thought of her as a mixture of all three based on Coyote Ugly and her appearances on late night talk shows.

Since there is the CIA element at play, one of my friends described Covert Affairs as Burn Notice with a female lead. I said that would be nice, since she can act, as opposed to the guy who plays Michael Weston. (Sorry Jeffrey Donovan, but Bruce Campbell is the only reason to watch that show now.) I'll be watching Tuesday night though, and hoping that Covert Affairs can live up to my expectations.

Stay classy, United States!

Well, hey, it's the Fourth of July. Therefore, this entry shall be short. I'm not a big Fourth of July guy, or of holidays in general - Check this entry here for why I'm not a huge fan.

The one really positive thing about holidays is that a lot of normal programming is abandoned, and some sweet movies are shown instead. Specifically, today TBS is airing Anchorman and Starsky and Hutch, Spike has a Star Wars marathon going on, and WGN is showing The Goonies, Beetlejuice and Batman. Holy smokes, that's some good movies!

Therefore, my night is pretty set. Tomorrow's entry will be about another game show I watched today, Baggage, which is insane...ly awesome! zing!

Inexplicable Movie Review: Clue

I touched upon this briefly with my Chevy Chase entry yesterday, and the lovely Sadako from Dibbly Fresh offered some support for my opinion, but I'm a big fan of the movie Clue. Released in 1985 to little fanfare, a surprisingly good cast headlined by Christopher Lloyd (Professor Plum), Martin Mull (Colonel Mustard), Michael McKean (Mr. Green) and Tim Curry (the butler) spices up the proceedings.

The plot of the movie is based vaguely on the popular board game. All the characters and weapons from the game are in the movie, with the additions of a butler, a foxy maid, a cook, a cop, a singing telegram, and the characters' host, Mr. Body. Of course, the game is just a game, so the movie invents the idea that they're all being blackmailed for various misdeeds by Mr. Body.

These misdeeds range from the heinous to the silly and funny. Specifically, Mr. Green is being blackmailed because he's gay, which lends itself well to several 1980s style jokes. The plot itself is very contrived, as seemingly everybody is connected to everyone else like it's a god damn Agatha Christie novel, but the strong work of the actors keeps things fun.

However, a gimmick no doubt killed the film at the box office. See, the creators had the great idea of giving the film three different endings, with only one being the “real” ending. Therefore, to fully experience the film, you'd have to watch it three times. However, the only difference between the broadcasts was the five to 10 minute ending segment, meaning you'd pay three times for 15 to 30 minutes of extra content. (In 1985 dollars, this was about $12, but still, time is money!)

This “special feature” probably hurt the film's take, but it gives Clue an odd, campy sort of replay value. In VHS, DVD and television airings, all three endings are now tacked on at the end and differentiated by cue cards. I first saw the movie on Comedy Central around the turn of the century, when DVDs were still sort of rare. As a result, every time it came on I felt like I was watching something special and different. For similar reasons, I loved when Hulk Hogan broke the fourth wall in Gremlins 2 and shouted at them to resume the movie. (Also, Hulk Hogan is cool, brother!)

The Clue movie picture comes from this pretty good blog about... Only Good Movies. The Hulkster picture is from this blog reviewing American Gladiators.

Inexplicable Movie Review: Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead

One of the first women I ever recall being attractive was Christina Applegate. However, it wasn't from her inspired performance as a dumb blonde on the Ed O'Neill vehicle Married With Children. Nope - I remember her from the cinematic classic Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead.

According to the release date, I was seven when the movie came out in June of 1991. I know I didn't see it in theaters though, so I was more likely in the eight to 10-year-old range.

(Note to any kids reading this in 2020: Back in the day, we had these blocky things called "tapes", which were played by a boxy black thing called a "VCR". Don't ask what VCR stood for, because nobody knew. Anyway, how your parents acquired new movies was via having two old VCRs, and then while one tape played, you used the other VCR with a blank tape to record. Normally, you rented the tape from Stop & Shop... Yeah, they rented movies back in the day, well, them and Almacs. What's Almacs? ... nevermind, I'm sorry I started this whole aside.)

Anyway, Don't Tell Mom starred Applegate as Sue Ellen Crandall, and as you can imagine from the title, a babysitter does die in the film. However, from the title and the beautiful Applegate's presence, you'd think it was some sort of silly teen slasher. Not true! It is instead more of a 1980s "we left the kids alone!" neglect film. Imagine Home Alone without the violence, or a 1980s film teenager film where you actually see the parents a bit.

Specifically, Sue Ellen's mom is in the film for about five minutes. Sue Ellen just wants to veg out and tan in the warm summer months of California, but mom leaves her and the rest of her kids with the world's bitchiest babysitter for two months. Mom is going to Australia for some reason. In true 1980s / 1990s movie fashion, it isn't really explained how a single mom with five kids is able to take off the Australia for a couple months, and on top of that, how she can also afford to leave a big wad of cash with the babysitter. Also, for what it's worth, the babysitter dies in her sleep in the first 20 minutes. The kids leave her body in a trunk at a cemetery with a note attached: "Nice old lady inside. Died of natural causes."

The rest of the family is a hodgepodge of stereotypes. Kenny is a heavy metal loving stoner of an indeterminable age, 15-ish Zach loves the ladies, 13-ish Melissa is a tomboy and young kid Walter loves game shows. Kenny and Sue Ellen (who is billed as 17) get the majority of the screen time though.

Don't Tell Mom isn't actually a good movie, but it is good in the way that The Wizard is good. It is shameless and unapologetic 1990s fluff, straight down to the generic clown fast food restaurant that Sue Ellen is forced to work at to make ends meet. She goes from this to being able to bluff her way to a fashion job, based on her forging the resume of a fashion executive. (One confusing aspect of this plotline: If you were a fashion executive, wouldn't you just take one look at Christina Applegate and go, "Hey, maybe you should give the modeling thing a try!")

Of course, since Sue Ellen is living a lie, this results in 1) a funny transition period and 2) a conniving co-worker catching her in the lie and 3) a final scene where she succeeds wildly anyway, but is busted and forced to come clean. All of this happens, and oddly enough, David Duchovny [right] is involved in one of his first roles as a lecherous sort of advertising executive, or some made-up bullshit like that. Go figure.

Again, none of this is high cinema. However, it is a great flick, and Christina Applegate sure does look hot in it, and there is a fashion show at the end that also features some other good-looking friends of hers. So, yeah, the movie has that going for it too, which is nice.

The Almacs photo come from this excellent site, which has a bunch of info about the old Rhode Island chain. The top photo comes from an Entertainment Weekly slideshow thingy on the best movie titles.

The conflicted messages of Kick-Ass

In case you haven't heard, there is sort of a divide about whether Kick-Ass is fun or exploitative, since it has incredibly graphic, downright disturbing scenes featuring an 11-year-old girl killing and maiming scores of bad guys. IMDB users have given the movie an 8.5 rating as of Sunday night, while it shockingly got one star from Ebert, who is usually a good barometer for what I'll personally enjoy.

My own feelings on the flick are... conflicted. First, I think the trailers and advertising for the movie are REALLY misleading, which you should know going in. Realize that this movie is rated R, and it earns its R-rating and then some, in terms of language and graphic violence. The trailers make the movie seem like a silly lark, with costumed superheroes and McLovin'. Well yeah, he's in the movie, but as more of a secondary or supporting character, and before you get to his portions, you have plenty of graphic deaths and maiming.

One of my girlfriend's friends told her the movie was kind of like Superbad, which is completely false, unless you consider any movie with McLovin' automatically like Superbad. Kick-Ass has a lot more in common with the ultra-violent Kill Bill than any sort of Judd Apatow production.

I loved Kick-Ass because I realized pretty quickly what it was - A gritty superhero movie. This isn't Spiderman or Mystery Man, with super powers and jokes and slick production to bail the heroes out. The fighting is shockingly raw in Kick-Ass; Dave, a.k.a. Kick-Ass, is getting his ass beat more than rescuing and avenging. The movie is actually concerned with answering the question, "What would happen if some teenager tried to fight back in a crime-filled city?"

To be sure, there still are plenty of non-realistic aspects included, and they mostly have to do with the relationship between Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage in a good performance) and Hit Girl, the 11-year-old killer. She has been trained since birth to be a superhero and killer, but even with this in mind, her skills are frankly unbelievable and unrealistic.

Addressing Ebert's point - Yeah, there is something a bit unsettling about seeing an 11-year-old get shot and beat up. The shooting happens very early in the movie, but the coldness of the scene was... eerie.

The reaction of the audience also made me cringe. I was watching mostly with college and high school aged-kids, and several of them laughed as she got shot... without having any idea about whether she was actually hurt or not. It did remind me of the reaction of crowds to both portions of Kill Bill, and Inglorious Basterds, but both of those movies play in more of a "fantasy" universe than Kick-Ass to me.

However, I do think Hit Girl's scenes were realistic in the context of the film. Most other movies would have sugarcoated her role, and had Kick-Ass magically develop much better fighting skills to fill her role instead, or to never put Hit Girl in serious danger. Kick-Ass is uncompromising in this regard, and establishes early that it is not going to cop-out when it comes to the violence.

Anyway, I don't want to keep going on with potential spoilers. If you're a fan of Tarantino films or Sin City, then you will probably find Kick-Ass surprisingly enjoying, for the reasons I cited. However, if you hated those movies, and are expecting a silly sort of superhero movie, then avoid Kick-Ass at all costs!

The awesome poster of Kick-Ass, which I now kind of want, I found here. The picture of Hit Girl punching is from Ebert's review, linked again for you here. The "normal" picture of Hit Girl is from this site.

Inexplicable Movie Review: Must Love Dogs

I watched Must Love Dogs the other night, and I was pleasantly surprised by what a good little romantic comedy movie it was. Is it among the upper echelon of John Cusack movies? Not really, since Say Anything is still the undisputed king in my book, followed by the frustrating but good Serendipity. However, it is a really watchable movie.

Part of this is due to the 45-year-old Diane Lane, who was around 39 or 40 when she filmed this movie, and looks impossibly good. I have no idea why she is so famous - Her IMDB has a bunch of stuff I haven't heard of. After seeing her in this movie though, I can definitely see why Bill Simmons has named the team of hot older ladies the Diane Lane All-Stars though.

Must Love Dogs falls apart a bit though because it relies SO much on Cusack and Lane to provide all of the entertainment. Yeah, they're pretty great, as is Lane's dad in the movie, even though he is kind of sleazy. But there are several ridiculous characters and plot aspects of the movie:

- Lane's entire family is full of horrible people. The very first scene of the movie, we learn that she has split up with her husband, and all the members of her family are gathering at her house with pictures of potential dates for her. Ugh. Nobody actually does that! wtf, movie? Her sister Carol is the worst offender, as she posts Lane's picture (from her high school graduation) and profile on an Internet dating site without her permission.

- John Cusack's character apparently sells boats, except that he doesn't manage to actually sell any of them, which his lawyer friend makes fun of him for in the movie. If that's the case... How the heck did he afford a house??? If they mention Cusack's source of money in the movie at all, I missed it. Apparently, he lives in a nice house because a woman like Diane Lane would want him to live in a nice house so that she could fall in love with him.

- The rival of Cusack for Lane's affection is a somewhat-hunky dad, who's son goes to the preschool that Lane teaches at. (Side note: Lane as a teacher is ridiculously cute and warm, and overshadows her other scenes in the film.) However, the movie completely glosses over that he cheated on his first wife and Lane knows! Yet, she never ONCE contemplates this in the movie! A cheating guy is like the number one "hate this pig" type for women; look at the venomous reaction Tiger Woods is getting. I am to believe that Diane "Super Cougar" Lane would not have the slightest hesitation about a dude that cheated on his wife? REALLY?

- There is a farcical moment so telegraphed that I called it seconds before it happened. Like, we're talking something you would see in She's All That or Drives Me Crazy or some other horrible tween romantic comedy. That, and a scene where Lane goes nuts and signs up for like 50 Internet dating sites, are the most unrealistic scenes of the film.

With the above issues, Must Love Dogs is more in the "cheesy fun" romance movie category as opposed to legitimately good. I still enjoyed it, because Cusack and Lane are so god damn cute together, but the rest of the movie is unintentionally funny.

Grade: C+

The photo of Lane and Cusack from the movie is from this blog. The Diane Lane photo is from this site.

On attraction, romantic comedies and Valentine's Day

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

I generally don't like to do personal posts on this blog. Because of a horrible, stupid past experience on my part, I realize how harmful it can be to get really personal on a blog read by everybody. I can't even read features like "Modern Love" at The New York Post, because they make me squirm way too much. While I consider myself a relatively open person, I definitely wouldn't want to reveal everything, like many of those letters.

That being said, I thought I'd talk a bit about romantic comedies and the new movie Valentine's Day. Basically, a couple of friends have noted that they think romantic comedies suck because they aren't reflective of real-life. I agree with them - Most feature somewhat dweeby guys getting with women way out of their league, or someone pining for their best friend. In most real-life situations, someone would have made a move at some point.

However, that being said... Some of the things in romantic comedies are correct. For example, I think (practically) everyone has 1) at least one friend that they have a crush on, that the friend is completely oblivious to and 2) are probably the object of someone's affection, and they have no idea that this is the case. For myself, #1 is true, and obviously, I don't know if #2 is also correct. If there was some way to take a poll on the matter, I could prove it, but I don't feel like doing such a thing.

Does this mean you'll ever end up together? Probably not. I mean, most people end up as friends for a reason. (The most prevalent one being that you don't ask a person out because you're pretty sure that they'll say no, so you settle for friendship.) Of my current friends, I know of one relationship that arose out of the pair being long-term friends first.

Now, to segue randomly to the movie Valentine's Day, I am a bit annoyed that they're defiling my birthday - my 26th, for the record - with what essentially seems to be a movie of romance vignettes featuring big name stars. That is the impression I got from the trailer and overloaded cast, and it is a sentiment shared by Ebert and Dana Stevens of Slate.com. In fact, a quote from Stevens' friend in her review - "Fine, mush your boring faces altogether already." - reminds me of something my friend and frequent blog commenter Danielle would say.

So really, if you're looking for a Steve-approved movie for Valentine's Day, don't see Valentine's Day. Just stick to my favorite romantic comedy ever: Say Anything.



Picture from this blog.

Inexplicable Movie Review: Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

"Don't shoot, we're not a real tiger!"

Yeah, I realize this movie review of Monty Python's The Meaning of Life kind of comes out of left field. But hey, I saw it again recently, and I still enjoy it. In fact, I daresay that it is my favorite Monty Python movie, although it does lag quite behind Flying Circus in the grand scheme of great Python work.

Focusing on the movie first, it is a loose film that has a slew of skits that cover the period of time from cradle to grave. Birth, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, middle age and death are all covered, with commentary on politics, religion and British and American people along the way.

The most memorable skit in terms of the Python canon (if there is such a thing) occurs about an hour into the film, when the fat Mr. Creosote eats so much at a restaurant, he could explode - literally. When I was a kid, my aunt would explain this scene to me, and even that didn't really properly do it justice. Keeping in mind that this is very not safe for work, or for your stomach, the YouTube link is here. Other classic scenes include Death coming to dinner, and another NSFW clip of their tune "Every Sperm Is Sacred."

However, I like the movie for the more subtle jabs throughout. For example, one scene focuses on gentile British military officers fighting in the Zulu, African outback expressing surprise about how another troop's leg got taken... off... during the night. One suggests that a tiger might have done it, which causes another to exclaim, "A tiger in Africa?" Response: "... Well maybe it escaped from the zoo."

This is why Meaning of Life ranks higher on my personal Monty Python list than Life of Brian (I'm a heathen and get almost none of the religious references) and The Holy Grail, my second favorite. Holy Grail is more "on the nose" when it comes to the nerdy humor though. I feel like I'm being knocked over the head (or maybe more appropriately, slapped across the cheek with a fish) when it comes to the humor.

Of course, all of the Python movies pale in comparison to Flying Circus sketches, which I allude to at the beginning of my post. I will say though that individual episodes can be very spotty - Once Cleese leaves the show, it definitely loses a lot, since he is the best individual performer of the group. Also, the first 10 episodes or so are quite rough, before hitting a stride in the teens and twenties. At this point, most of the iconic sketches - the ministry of silly walks, the lumberjack song, Ethel the Frog / The Piranha Brothers - start getting aired. If you want a good "collection" of the best sketches, I'd recommend looking around a bit for Live from the Hollywood Bowl, which I purchased from Blockbuster (on VHS!) a couple years ago for $1. It's also, thankfully, available on DVD from Amazon.

My personal favorite, even though it is a bit sick, is still the undertaker's sketch. The punch line is ridiculously good, and as a YouTube commenter notes, this is a dark, dark skit, even for Python.

Inexplicable Movie Review: Family Guy Presents Something Something Something Dark Side and everything else Star Wars

I am seemingly one of the 10 people on the planet who still catch everything Family Guy-related out there. As a result, I looked forward to the release of Something Something Something Dark Side, their remake of The Empire Strikes Back. This follows on the heels of 2007's Family Guy - Blue Harvest, a remake of the original Star Wars, which was pretty nifty. (The long name of the Empire remake comes from the "secret to Star Wars dialogue, from an earlier Family Guy skit, and which is presented above.)

Right now, the reviews on Amazon for the movie are mostly lukewarm, and the film is averaging 3.5 out of 5 stars. This surprises me a bit, as I considered this edition a bit better than the first, which has a 4-star rating. Something Something Something Dark Side follows The Empire Strikes Back almost scene for scene, so if you're not familiar with the source material, you probably won't enjoy this one.

But if you are an Empire fan, and a Family Guy fan, then this is required watching. The character roles from the original - Peter as Han, Lois as Leia, Chris as Luke, creepy perv Herbert as Obi-Wan and Brian as Chewbecca - are retained, even though Cleveland / C3P0 left for his own show. (Also, this time, Meg actually gets a line!) My only warning is that, although the DVD extras like the audio commentary are neat, the actual "movie" is only about 50 minutes - two regular episodes. There is some swearing, but otherwise, you might not think there is enough to justify $15 for two episodes.

Which brings me to the more important issue, one which I debated the other night with Baseball Prospectus author, Blast video games editor and all-around swell guy Marc Normandin - How do you rank the entire saga?


First off, I think it's easy to pick the bottom two - The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. I personally dislike Clones more. At least at the time it was released, Phantom Menace seemed technologically impressive, and there was a "buzz" about it, the first new piece of the saga in 20-something years. Clones felt like nothing more than a bridge movie to Revenge of the Sith, which is something you can't say about the original trilogy. Each of those movies serves a purpose, but stands as a dramatic piece on its own merits.

This might be controversial, but I consider the original, A New Hope, to be somewhat dated. It is absolute stunning the first time you watch it, just how epic the worlds are, and how involved everything with the Force is and what not. However, after that first time, you notice that a lot of the non-Obi Wan and Han Solo scenes can drag. It doesn't have as many signature action and drama aspects of the other movies on this list.

Okay, so we have three movies left to rank. As much as I like Sith, because it was the last movie released, I found it the least compelling of the "action"y three remaining. If Lucas could do it all over again as a six-movie deal, from start to finish, then Sith could be one of the better movies with some small changes. Basically, just end it with Anakin getting hauled out of the lava, and make it seem like he dies. Then, Padme dies, and we still assume that Vader is a separate Sith lord, and not Anakin, until the big reveal at the end of Empire. But, as is, I have to rank Sith as the third best.

Which leaves us with Return of the Jedi vs. The Empire Strikes Back. I realize I'm in the minority with this opinion, but I find Jedi to be most satisfying to watch. Yes, the Ewoks are gimmicky, and they span all of the most awful Jar Jar Binksian parts of the next two movies, but I still think they serve as a nice balance to all the grimness as the end of Empire and throughout the rest of Jedi.

In fact, this sheer darkness at the end of Empire is why I favor Jedi. At the end of Empire, you find out that Luke's real dad is one of the most evil mother effers in the galaxy, Luke loses in direct combat to Vader, Han Solo is encased in carbonite and under the control of an evil gangster and the Rebellion's base on Hoth is destroyed. That's a whole big bucket of depression right there.

The photo original Family Guy inspiration for the title of its Empire spoof (whew, that's a mouthful) is from this blog. The duel photo is from this site, somewhere on it.

Inexplicable Movie Review: The Wizard (again)

Expanding on my thoughts from yesterday, there are plenty of reasons why you should run out and rent The Wizard immediately.

1) There is a bunch of footage of old video games being played by an autistic kid. I'm not sure why, but this is somehow fascinating to me, even though the clips are only 10 to 20 seconds each. In the course of the movie, he plays Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Double Dragon and Ninja Gaiden prominently, not to mention the Super Mario Brothers 3 orgy at the end of the movie, which is essentially a five-minute sneak preview for the game (at least at the time).

Of course, this brings to light some of the great, silly, illogical parts of the movie. For example, when he is playing Super Mario Brothers 3, Jimmy finds the warp whistle hidden in the first fortress, which should be effing impossible unless you know where to look for it. You have to have the raccoon tail / leaf (whatever it's called) that lays you fly above the screen, on top of a wall, and into an adjacent room with the warp whistle. And for some reason, this makes Jimmy's score counter double or triple, which does not actually happen in the game! Jimmy uses this to eventually beat Lucas, and the pig-tailed girl, who serves as the Meg Griffin of the competition for Jimmy and Lucas to beat up on.

Honestly, if you don't have realism in your shameless promotional movies that have video games, what can you trust?

2) Touching on the video games again, there is also a montage of games being played in an arcade, as Jimmy is trying to learn how to beat a bunch of different games; the games in the tournament are unknown. Ninja Gaiden is the opening round game, which is actually kind of appropriate - It is a tough game, and it does have a score meter.

However, there are also several games that they practice in the arcade that clearly wouldn't be used, unless Nintendo was effing stupid. They also waste a lot of money calling the Nintendo Game Counselor line, which I'm sure made a ton of parents happy as their kids stupidly called whenever they got stuck in a game. I never really understood the point of this - Most old NES games rely on the simple formula of ducking, attacking or running past whatever thing is attacking you. It's a matter of memorizing patters and reacting, which you don't really need a "game counselor" for.

3) In a comical scene, the character played by Beau Bridges - he's related to Jimmy somehow, I think he might be his natural dad - is rambling about some shit in Zelda 2. The thing is, when the camera pans to what he is playing, he's just slashing things in some town, and it makes absolutely no sense with what he's saying. It's as if they gave him a script, then intentionally made an effort to make him look like an asshole who didn't know anything about the game he was playing. Hey, editing truck, you could have at least helped a brother out by splicing in some scenes from Zelda 2 that at least made sense for the scene.

4) Final thing for now - The Wizard was one of the last movies that had kids completely independent and not reliant on adults for things in 1980s fashion, to the point where you question if every authority in the movie is effing insane.

Rilo Kiley, Fred Savage and an autistic kid essentially hitchhike across the country, using money they win by scamming people at video games, with the goal of making it to L.A. to play in a $25,000 video game tournament. The only adult that is remotely helpful is a truck driver named Spanky that the girl knows, which is somewhat odd and creepy when you really ponder it. I don't think they really ever explain how Haley (Rilo Kiley) lives; it is implied or said that her dad is a truck driver and out the picture. Fred Savage runs away from his parents with Jimmy, his half-brother, and they are able to elude all adults in their way.

Meanwhile, there is a menacing "child finder" dude after them, because apparently in 1989, nobody would say shit if they saw three children just wandering around the country. I live in a rural area and remember being asked by cops twice where I was going after school as I was walking home or to a friend's house; I don't think I would have been able to accomplish a journey of several hundred miles with no adult interference.

Anyway, I've got to go cover a meeting, so I might do a third part to this at a future date.

The Fred Savage photo from The Wizard I found at this blog.

Inexplicable Movie Review: The Wizard

The Wizard is a common punching bag for movie reviewers, but really, when the movie dropped in 1989, it was noticeable for two very cool reasons, at least to my five-year-old mind:

1) The Power Glove. The scene with Lukas is rightfully mocked now, but at the time, the Power Glove looked like the coolest effing thing just about ever. According to a pretty trustworthy source, the Angry Video Game Nerd, it is god damn awful to actually play a game with, but hey, it still does look cool.

2) The preview of Super Mario Brothers 3, which was a good and proper sequel to the original game, as opposed to the weird game known as Super Mario Brothers 2 in the states. For some reason, I remember getting SMB3 relatively early in my youth, which was rare because I normally only got bargain-priced games. I somehow managed to avoid getting the ultimate horrible bargain game, Home Alone, at least.

Anyway, looking at the history of video game movies, you'd be hard pressed to say that The Wizard was in the bottom five. Yeah, it was essentially a 90-minute advertisement for Nintendo, but at least it was an enjoyable ad with decent actors like Fred Savage and Christian Slater and Beau Bridges and the girl who would become Rilo Kiley. While none of them are really award winners, they give at least capable performances.

The Wizard is just kind of an average movie to me, especially when compared to other "kids" movies of the time frame - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Honey I Shrunk Every God Damn Thing Ever don't hold up as well either. The Wizard is also not a colossal cluster eff, like most video game movies, excluding Mortal Kombat, which is shocking from its sheer competence. But, that's a discussion for another time, and another review.

(Actually, I might expand on this whole entry at some point... I feel like I'm rushing things a bit, whereas it would be good to REALLY get into all of The Wizard's amazing parts.)

Inexplicable Movie Review: Gremlins 2

Two of the great supporting cast of Gremlins 2:
Christopher Lee and Hulk Hogan

To switch things up a bit, I thought I'd focus on a movie that I actually enjoy, but one that doesn't seem to get much love from anybody else - Gremlins 2: The New Batch. Much like Escape from L.A., Gremlins 2 works as a sequel because it goes in the opposite direction of its predecessor. It shifts from a horror movie to an Airplane-like spoof.

In Gremlins 2, the setting of the film has shifted from a small town to New York City. Billy, the cad married to the ultra foxy girl-next-door type played by Phoebe Cates, finds the runaway mogwai Gizmo on the streets one day. He tries to protect him, but of course, calamity ensues as Gizmo is exposed to water, and the resulting evil mogwais eat after midnight. They run amuck in Clamp Tower, which is run by an eccentric billionaire - think Jimmy James from Newsradio, or the portrayal of Carter Puderschmidt and his buddies in Family Guy.

While you don't need to have seen the original to enjoy the sequel - I hadn't - you do notice a few more inside jokes if you've experienced both. Also, watching the first makes you familiar with the rules of mogwais and gremlins: They reproduce if exposed to water or eat after midnight, and bright light and sunlight can kill them. This "reproduction" is kind of gross, as a warning, with gremlins "popping" out of gross, stretchy bubbles out of each other's backs.

In the original, the gremlins were played up for horror and suspense purposes, but in Gremlins 2, the focus is definitely on slapstick and humor. This is especially evident when the gremlins takeover the genetics lab of the tower, and start guzzling weird potions and injection each other. One becomes super intelligent and is voiced by Tony Randall, and then delivers soliloquy and civilization and understanding.

While the leads are mostly there to play the story "straight", much like the lead roles in Airplane, the supporting characters are hilarious. Standouts include Christopher Lee as an incredibly mad scientist, his twin research assistants, the aforementioned Randall as the voice of the brain gremlin, a Dracula impersonator and kids' show host who serves as a news broadcaster, and Clamp himself.

The movie also loves to break the fourth wall, spoofing itself and other movies. Leonard Maltin reviews the original Gremlins in a fake production of his own TV review show. The middle of the movie is interrupted by gremlins, who are then chased away by (depending on the version you're watching) Hulk Hogan or John Wayne. Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig have skits to open and close the movie. And the Clamp Cable Network, who Dracula-guy works for, has several other spoofs, like a Julia Child-esque chef who uses a microwave primarily.

The Philosophy of the Flying V

Uh oh, look at all these wacky kids! You know craziness will ensue!

Sometimes I forget that other people on the Internet, you know, write stuff. But by chance, I stumbled upon this blog the other day, which is really quite grand, and specifically, this post, about the top 10 selfish sports teams of the 1990s. The relevant overlap to this post I'm crafting right now would be the following paragraph about D2: The Mighty Ducks:

Question: How does a team that barely makes it to the post season in their crappy neighborhood hockey league get selected to represent our nation in the Junior Olympic Goodwill games? Coach Gordon Bombay that's how. I understand hiring Bombay as your coach. The man is an innovator, I mean the flying V? Come on, that's just good hockey. But why choose the whole Mighty Ducks team for Team USA? You're going to tell me that Goldberg was the best goalie our country had to offer?

I concur with bricksexplode (or Josh, his actual name). (And also, creepily enough, he and I have practically the same take and story about Wake Up Ron Burgandy.) Even as a 10-year-old kid, the second Mighty Ducks movie was so implausible to me that it ruined all of the good feelings created in the first one. The series morphed from a plausible story of a team of misfits to a ridiculous farce of a movie with no basis in reality. The final installment is actually somewhat realistic, but I am apparently the only person in the world who enjoys watching it.

The first movie, while no cinematic masterpiece, was a great movie of its type. Just about any kid can relate to being a sort of outcast portrayed in the movie, especially a geeky young kid like myself. Even though I never had (and still haven't) ice skated, there are obvious parallels between other sports and other movies - Little League (The Bad News Bears), Pop Warner football (Little Giants, even though it came out later), basketball (... um, I'm sure there is one I'm forgetting).

It also had a memorable cast of characters with easily-identifiable counterparts in my everyday life. While they weren't exact matches with my friends, there were shared traits: the brash-talking Jessie, the smart-alecky Averman, the fat kid no one actually wanted to hang out with (Goldberg), and the big tough guy Fulton.

D1 is the classic underdog tale, on ice, and you feel great when they win the championship. The story is as predictible as a Subway sandwich - what else would you expect from Disney, or from a $5 footlong? - but ultimately somewhat believable and satisfying.

The second is just pure "let's make a buck!" fuckery that made me eventually dislike all these movies from Disney. As bricksexplode brings up, the most ludicrous idea is that a team that barely made the playoffs in a Minnesota youth hockey league would represent the United States. I grew up in the woods of Rhode Island, and even our Little League all-star team that would try to qualify for the Little League World Series would be a combination of the best players from all the league's teams. (Speaking to my athletic prowess as a kid, I never came close to making one.)

Deciding to just reunite the whole team is so transparent and shitty, and the opening scenes are some of the worst of the movie. Looking back at it as a 25-year-old, there are a couple plausible ways you could do it. First, instead of setting the movie in Los Angeles, why not have these games come to Minnesota? Then it is more plausible that you'd have to use the Ducks. Or, failing that, at least have some flashback scenes with the Ducks winning a couple regional tournaments and earning their way to L.A. Or, because the kids all live in the same area, and are roughly the same age, why not just have the sequel take place (brace yourself) a year later? Because I had played Little League, D2 immediately seemed fake to me, because even as a kid I realized that shit with L.A. would never happen.

Okay though, looking past that - What the fuck did Iceland ever do to you, Disney? Like, seriously, it is bad enough that they have a horrible, false country name (according to weather.com, Iceland is roughly the same weather-wise as New England right now). Hey Mouse, why do you have to shit all over them by making them the obviously-Soviet Union inspired enemy? Either make up a fake country or leave the Icelanders alone.

Anyway, the Ducks recruit some players from other parts of the country for no good reason. I mean, non-movie, they're to include some non-white people in the cast, but in-movie, Gordon Bombay hates them and barely plays any of them. I don't think most return for the third movie, which is great, except for the Goon, who is clearly not even close to being the right age for D2 and D3. The Ducks also recruit a young, trash-talking Kenan Thompson in his film debut, and he is kind of OK despite using a preposterous shot. Also, really, he's playing street hockey out in L.A.? Not basketball? Not skateboarding? Not surfing? L.A. does have that intense hockey tradition, after all.

The whole movie is effing absurd, and if you like D2 the most out of the three, I don't know what's wrong with you. Pull yourself together! Oddly enough, I think it was too much overt zaniness even for Disney, because they went the opposite direction for D3. I actually like that movie because it is super serious and (shockingly) focuses on hockey from time to time. It is plausible (at least in terms of the movie world) that a private school would recruit the Ducks, because the dominant Rhode Island private schools mostly cherry pick their athletes from Rhode Island public schools. D3 also has some redeeming value with the introduction of their new coach. He lacks the charm of Gordon Bombay, but he is an interesting character at least.