An inexplicable running diary for Rangers vs. Yankees, game six.

Because I’m watching it anyway, I thought I would do a (delayed) liveblog of the Rangers and Yankees’ game tonight. For the record, I would kind of prefer if the Yankees lost horribly, but that’s the Red Sox fan in me talking.

Two things factor into this. First, the Rangers just seem plucky and spry this year. I like the whole Josh Hamilton story, I like Cliff Lee turning into a poor man’s Sandy Koufax, and I like that former Red Sock David Murphy is on the Rangers too.

And secondly, the Yankees are just so, so easy to hate, between the over-sized personalities, the ridiculous payroll and their success over the years. (The last factor is a hard admission to make, but nobody wants to hate the Pirates or the Orioles.)

… I guess I should get on to the blog! Picking things up from the top of the fifth inning, with the Rangers (momentarily) holding a 1-0 lead…

9:35 p.m. I was just going to type about how Colby Lewis throwing a no-hitter would be the most insane way for this game to be decided. Then A-Rod doubled, and moved to third on a sac fly, so nevermind.

Of course, this being the Yankees, there was a shady play. Nick Swisher clearly got hit by a ball, but he pretends he didn’t, and it goes for a wild pitch that scores A-Rod. Swisher then hits a weak tapper in front of the mound for an out.

The next batter is Jorge Posada, and he knocks a double down the right-field line, so maybe A-Rod would have scored anyway. But still, it seems like the Yankees always have these shady plays throughout the year.

9:52 p.m. After an error on a grounder by Mitch Moreland, he’s advanced to third on a hit-and-run and a ground ball. The Yankees are doing this thing where they intentionally walk Josh Hamilton every time he gets up. Statistically, it’s a silly idea – Someone need to have a .500 OBP to make it pay off.

Vlad Guerrero immediately makes them pay for it by lining a double deep to the center field wall. Hamilton zips around the bases and scores without a throw, giving the Rangers a 3-1 lead. Go Texas! The Yankees are not messing with you, because you’re winning.

FOX shows a shot of Ron Washington celebrating in the dugout. I’m trying not to make a joke about his drug history. (He tested positive for cocaine usage in the off-season and barely held on to his job as a result.)

9:58 p.m. The above series of events chases Yankees start Phil Hughes from the game. Both he and Lewis were coasting along, yet now, it looks like both will be out of the game. David Robertson comes in. I was wondering if we’d see a starter come in, but the Yank-

Oh wow, Cruz just hit a two-run bomb! This is shaping up like game seven in 2004, except well, completely different. It just seems like the Yankees are hanging on by a thread at this point, and the stadium in Arlington is rocking.

The bleeding doesn’t stop either, as the next batter, Ian Kinsler, smacks a double to left. The Yankees send the pitching coach out to stall, since Robertson has faced two batters and given up a homer and a double. They get Kerry Wood going in the bullpen.

I was saying earlier, I wonder if the Yankees will use a starter, except they don’t really have anyone to use. Pettite is tomorrow’s pitcher, C.C. Sabathia hasn’t been that effective, and A.J. Burnett isn’t walking through that door anytime soon. Robertson gives up a 350-foot foul ball to Murphy, but then finally induces a grounder to get out of the inning.

10:14 p.m. The Yankees go meekly in the top of the sixth. Womp womp womp. Derek Jeter sure has looked old lately.

10:26 p.m. The stadium goes deathly quiet as Lance Berkman smacks a double past Josh Hamilton in center, and Hamilton trips. But he’s all right, and Nick Swisher flies out to left to end the inning.

10:32 p.m. Kerry Wood is now in the game, and Michael Young hits a grounder past a diving A-Rod into left on the very first pitch for a double. Shockingly, even though there are no outs, the Yankees refuse to pitch to Hamilton.

Vlad bunts them over to second and third, and then amazingly, we have ANOTHER international walk. Seriously, you’re loading up the bases, Joe? This seems foolish. Joba starts to warm up for some reason too. I’d probably just go to Rivera at this point, and ask him to work the rest of the seventh, eighth and ninth. No use saving him for a game that might never happen.

Anyway, Kinsler lifts a ball to left, but Gardner is positioned perfectly. Young tags up and scores, and it’s first and second with two outs. Murphy smashes a ball, but it stays in the park, and they only get that one run. 6-1.

10:44 p.m. Holy shit, Colby Lewis is still pitching in this game, in the top of the eighth. He has been sharp outside of that one inning, and now, he’s reaching back and still hitting 92 on the gun. Meanwhile, Darren O’Day and Darren Oliver are warm in the pen, just ready to pounce if Lewis does have an issue.

Lewis strikes out another Yankee for the second out – his sixth of the night. His stuff still looks sharp, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he went the distance. He walks Gardner, but then strikes out Jeter. Suck it, captain.

10:54 p.m. Rivera comes in. Ron Washington hugs Lewis in the dugout, and Feliz is warming in the pen, so Lewis’ night might be done. (My buddy Tom jokes that Washington probably already has a couple lines setup in the clubhouse. Ba dum ching!) Anyway, it takes Rivera a while, but he eliminates the side in order.

11:02 p.m. Time for the top of the ninth, and Feliz is pitching. He blows away the first batter. He induces a grounder from the second. And the third batter? Alex Rodriguez, scum of the Earth.

The first pitch is a 99 mile per hour ball, but Felix whips the next one by him, and A-Rod fouls the next one off. Finally though, the game ends as Feliz makes A-Rod’s knees bend with a nasty hook, and he goes down looking.

Through the course of writing this, I think I realized another reason why I like the Rangers – They’ve never been to the World Series before, and you can feel it reverberating through their fan base. That matters when your dog isn’t in the fight anymore. Watching the fans freak out and celebrate? That’s sweet.

Denzel (and Jay Pharoah) make SNL tolerable

My buddy Tom and others have suggested a way to save Saturday Night Live that I'll sign off on - Just have Jay Pharoah in every skit. A blog at The Wall Street Journal is singing his praises (eerie fact: It's written by Christopher John Farley), and I will second them. He's only been in three skits so far, but he's been great in all of them. Much like when Eddie Murphy joined the show in 1980 and put it on his back, I think Pharoah should do the same with Andy Samburg.

The best skit this past Saturday featured Pharoah as a pitch-perfect Denzel Washington. He was immersing himself in his role as a worker at a customer service desk, and angryly cajoling a customer (a disappointing-as-host Jane Lynch) for trying to return a BLACK hand bag. "Is there something wrong with the color of this bag?" He completely nailed Denzel, and the clip is in the WSJ article linked above.

Unfortunately though, the rest of the show felt lackluster, as you can probably guess from my comment about Lynch. They showed glimpses of promise, like when they had a pretty funny skit about Glee...

... Only for the whole thing to be derailed with the inclusion of Gillie, the horrible character played by Kristen Wiig that almost nobody likes. (Sorry Picosita. And also, my 10-member anti-Wiig Facebook group can still be joined here!)

The skit was going along fine, not hilarious but still funny, until she came on my screen. I instantly cringed and found something else to busy myself for the next couple minutes. Once she made an appearance, the only other funny part of the skit was the introduction of gay Kurt's dad.

I don't understand the thinking on involving Gillie at all. By itself, Glee is incredibly easy to mock, and they were doing a good job of that. You simply don't need to include a tired Kristen Wiig character. Is it in her contract that she has to be in 10 skits per week? Does she give head writer Seth Meyers a handy each time she makes an appearance?

Anyway. Outside of that horrible-ness, there was a funny bit or two. The FB application for mom-proofing your profile was pretty good, even if it didn't make logical sense, since there are plenty of privacy tools already to keep people out of your FB. I was also a big fan of the New Boyfriend Show, featuring Samburg as a kid who interviews his mom's boyfriends in the morning... and who gleefully tells today's guest that he's on the 100th episode.

Baggage odds and ends

Two notes on Baggage...

1) My friend Tom actually tracked down the former NFL player, Taylor Horn, from yesterday's blog entry. You can find his modeling website here, which has a link to his blog here. His blog is... interesting. He apparently does not believe in the letter C, and replaces all of his C's with K's. He also writes a bit about the Baggage casting:

The producer of Baggage Kalled me yesterday to ask me if I was ready for the show? She also wanted to know what my wardrobe was going to be. I told her don’t worry about my wardrobe I’m Koming in fresh, I will be getting my grown man on and hell yeah I’m ready! I asked her if the girl they selected was Kute? She asked Why? I replied beKause I am going to win. More than likely you got me up against two chumps. You should ask about a Morehouse Man. I do not want to be seen on T.V. being hooked with a ugly chick. The producer laughed and said I love the Konfidence. This is going to be fun and fuuuuuuny. I will blog about it Fri night.

2) Also regarding the Baggage experience, one of the past contestants, Ted, said a friend of his linked him to this blog. He commented about his experience on this entry here. Thanks for sharing again, Ted!

Taylor's photo is from his modeling profile, which is already linked above.

A sneak peek of the other upfronts, and Pitching Perfect Projects

Note: Elvis Costello should have his own sitcom.

Continuing on my post from yesterday, and from the excellent dispatches from the upfronts by Slate's Troy Patterson here and here, my thoughts on the new shows pitched for the upcoming fall season...

- Lonestar is about an oil tycoon con man trying to keep it all together. A FOX show, it'll probably be canceled at the first sign of ratings trouble. I'm not really that interested in the concept; this sounds like the type of show that will be crammed down my throat in promos during the baseball playoffs, only to disappear from the fall schedule after a couple episodes. (However, in case anyone has forgotten the lesson pounded into our heads from past postseasons, "Her father is the DISTRICT ATTORNEY!")

- I like the pedigree of Running Wilde, which has Will Arnett and Keri Russell in it. However, as good as Arnett was as Gob Bluth, he has produced a lot of... well, shit, since then. It would be a shame if that was his career peak, but it has happened to actors a lot better than him. Therefore, I'm going to remain cautiously optimistic for his new show.

- Mixed Signals got the best response from the mostly-old-dude crowd at the FOX upfront, so I will try to check it out in the fall, even though I know almost nothing of it. Raising Hope sounds horrid, even from Patterson's short description of it as Three Men and a Baby minus two men. Doesn't Two and a Half Men fill out quota for shows-without-moms needed on network TV?


Better yet, I think we need a ridiculous premise show that goes the completely opposite direction. Therefore, I am proposing a new show, which I call Four Lesbians, Two Babies and an Elephant. (In case "lesbians" in a show title doesn't fly, my alternate title is Four Women, Two Babies and an Elephant.) Of the four women, two would be doctors - they're very popular with executives - one would be a spy, and the last one would be a drug addict. If one baby means ratings, then two babies mean DOUBLE ratings. And, any show can have a puppy or a kitten. To spice things up, these gals need an elephant.

- At the ABC upfront, No Ordinary Family sounds like it could be a winner. A drama about a family with superhero powers? Yes. Sign me up. Heroes was awesome until it started adding 500,000 different characters, so focusing on just a single family of heroes could be interesting.

- In contrast, I'm not sure how much I'll like Mr. Sunshine with Matthew Perry. In the early seasons of Friends, he was savagely sharp and funny. But as the show was increasingly pitched toward female viewers and the female characters, he lost a lot of his edge. If he is back to his snide-as-eff character, then I'm in. If he's pining for some woman in the first episode, I'm out.

- Happy Endings sounds vapid and stupid and a waste of time. The same goes for My Generation. Generally, anything that claims to be cool, hip or on the cutting edge is never cool, hip or on the cutting edge.

- Off The Map and Body of Proof sound like rehashes of shows currently on the air. If they're decent, I'm guessing they'll just piggyback on to the existing shows. Neither one sounds like it has breakout potential.

- And finally... The Shatner show based on Shit My Dad Says. My goodness, I'm excited. Two reasons: It will either be legitimately good, or it will be so bad it is great, because Shatner is involved. I really don't see any middle ground on this, although I think it's far more likely that it sucks, like the show based on the Geico cavemen. I do like my friend Tom's suggestion: It should be renamed from Shit My Day Says, which won't fly on network television, to Shatner My Dad Says.

The picture of Elvis Costello at the top of the blog is from this blog, which is in some foreign language. The lesbian photo I modified a bit, but found at this blog. The baby photo is from here. And Dumbo is from this blog.

TV Review: I still hate Hugo.

Libby brings two friends to her date with Hugo.

Ah, LOST. My friends Tom and Nikki were having a minor disagreement about last night's episode, with Tom claiming it was a 6/10 episode, and Nikki being more positive, calling it a 8/10. My own rating reflects more of a fencesitting: I give the first 20 minutes a 4/10, and the final 20 minutes a 10/10, for an average of 7/10. (Sorry I couldn't really settle the dispute, pals.)

As the title of this entry implies, I still find Hugo to be a miserable, sad character. He is still strictly the fat dude comic relief, even if he's the only one outside of Miles who can reasonably talk to the dead. In Bizarro LAX, at least he has finally managed to make some moves on Libby, which will probably allow Cousin Brandon to rest in peace. In fact, let's tackle this episode, from bad to good:

Bad: Ilana going out like a bitch. It's weird, in that while I'm not her biggest fan, I still thought Ilana deserved to go out a little bit better than, well, being the only character on the show to get exploded besides the dorky science teacher. LOST earns some points for making her death a complete "out of left field" shock, but I openly laughed when it happened, because it felt more appropriate for Loony Tunes as opposed to a serious drama.

Bad: Hurley's continuing pussification. Dash Worthington would not approve of Hurley. Specifically, he pulls a FLocke move in last night's episode and tries to lie to the group to get them to follow him to FLocke's camp. Hasn't he learned anything from how he has been treated on the Island??? One of his biggest complaints during the past seasons has been about being lied to, and the very second he's in a position of power, he uses his "I can see ghosts!" power to lie to people.

Bad: Michael's odd cameo on the episode. It's nice to know that the whispering from all of the past seasons are ghosts haunted by what they did on the Island, forced to remain; it's nice to know that Michael will be spending an undetermined amount of time living in damnnation on the Island. However, like Ilana, most people people will probably consider this a disappointing use of Michael's character. While I was never a huge fan of him, he probably deserved a bit more than this, and maybe they'll address his fate more in Bizarro LAX.

Good: Hurley and Libby FINALLY hooking up, even if it is in Bizarro LAX. This also seems to kickstart his memory, as Desmond seemed to want, and has interesting implications. Hurley clearly has a much, much better thing going on in Bizarro LAX, since he is not cursed, filthy rich and now, with the presence of Libby, in love. If the worlds are somehow merged again, then what happens to her?

Really Good: Desmond knocked Locke out with his god damn car! Wow! That was a wickedly satisfying scene to watch for some reason; I'm not entirely sure why. Also, I think the whole chain of events is part of a plan by Desmond to reunite Locke with Jack. With his injuries, Locke will get taken to the hospital where Jack works, where either the operation or something post-surgical will make their memories kick back online.

Good: Desmond is still the mother effing man, and he is now equal to Jack in my mind. To me, it seems like he has a Luke Skywalker-esque endgame in mind, which is why he appeared fearless in front of FLocke. It wouldn't surprise me if he somehow knows the "secret" to thwarting him and "fixing" the two worlds.

Good: It was nice to see a larger role for some characters, like Ben and Miles, even if they were still mostly supporting characters. And hey, no awkward scenes between Kate, Jack and Sawyer - just awkward gazing. We're improving! Hurrah!

Reviewing my fantasy baseball draft, part two.

Enjoy this random picture of curling.

For part one of this post, which includes the scoring rules and format of this league, check out my post from yesterday. If you have any other questions about the league and format, feel free to ask in a comment. And, I'll be back to the LOST and television analysis later tonight.

KEEPERS:

Pedroia_Dustin/BOS
Longoria_Evan/TBA
Kemp_Matthew/LAN
Avila_Alex/DET
Tillman_Chris/BAL
Holland_Derek/TEX
Hamels_Cole/PHI
Rowland-Smith_Ryan/SEA
Hughes_Philip/NYA
Santana_Carlos/CLE

Reviewing my keepers, I make up for a lack of top shelf quality with quantity. Longoria and Pedroia were easy keep decisions, since they play at premium positions and in good lineups; perennial All-Stars. Kemp might be a tougher decision in future years, for reasons I'll get into. Aliva cost almost nothing to keep and he's a decent hitting catcher, and I like his chances of forcing Laird to the bench in Detroit. Tillman and Holland are too cheap and still have too much potential to give up on. Same with Hamels. Rowland-Smith and Hughes I view as generic innings-munchers, but since I had the extra years, I thought that I might as well keep them and use my draft picks on others. And Carlos Santana will hopefully be with the Indians at some point this year, instead of playing music.

In terms of overall draft strategy, well, I didn't have any concrete plans or targets. My lone goal was to avoid drafting an OF and 1B as long as possible. I didn't do this last year, and I remember being annoyed at how long decent OFers lasted, even late into the draft. In contrast, I disliked having to constantly juggle my injured pitching staff last year. Therefore, a secondary goal was picking up some durable starters, with the hope of some of my upside guys - Hughes, Tillman, Holland, prospects - coming up and taking their innings at some point.

1 4 SteveG Beckett_Josh/BOS

I viewed Beckett as a better choice than some others, like Cliff Lee, because of his superior team. Given the choice between a pitcher on a winning team and a losing team, I'll take the winning team, since there is a chance for some vulture wins when you don't have your best stuff. I had Beckett, Lee, Chris Carpenter and Vasquez all rated about equally. Carpenter scares me because of his long, long dossier of past injuries, and Vasquez scares me because he flopped in his last trip in NY.

2 20 SteveG Napoli_Mike/LAA

I wasn't crazy about this pick, since the Angels hate his defense and willingly employ Mathis in some sort of time split, keeping Napoli's overall numbers down. I had him last year too though, and it was normally more good than bad. Plus, with Aliva on the bench, I think I'm covered when it comes to Napoli's days off, although I will have to scrounge the waiver wire if there is an injury/

3 36 SteveG Cabrera_Asdrubal/CLE

Since I had already taken care of catcher, which has spotty offensive options, I decided to fill another hole in my lineup and grab Cabrera.

4 52 SteveG Chapman_Aroldis/CIN

Last year, Strasberg went in the third round. While he was viewed as more of a "can't miss" than Chapman, Chapman is closer to the majors at this point in their careers, and he showed some electric stuff in spring training. I considered him the best draftable prospect pitcher with a chance at being a No. 1 starter, and if he does hit that peak, he would be cheap for years and years.

5 68 SteveG Duchscherer_Justin/OAK

Injury-concerns, yeah, but a solid starting pitcher. I think I wanted to take him last year, but the other Steve took him one pick before me, forcing me to take Troy Glaus instead. That didn't work out so well. He's like a poor man's Carpenter, in that he seems to get injured quite a bit, but if he's healthy, he's great.

5 78 SteveG Cuddyer_Michael/MIN

While I think last year might have been his peak in terms of offense, all I had left to fill on my roster was my bullpen, 1B and two OF spots. So, I took him, since he was eligible at 1B and OF. And hey, maybe they'll play him at 2B again this year! (Well, probably not.)

6 84 SteveG Drew_JD/BOS

I really, really like Red Sox players this year. I think the team has a chance to win 100+ games, since their lineup will just wear pitchers down. Drew will only play 120 games, but he normally just misses a game here or there, as opposed to long stretches of time. Therefore, I think he'll still get plenty of counting stats.

8 116 SteveG Coghlan_Chris/FLO

This is why I held off as long as possible on outfielders. If he does have another really good year, or improves somehow or moves back to 2B, then he is definitely worth three keeper years. I almost took him in the sixth with my pick, and I was surprised that he lasted this long. People hadn't started to make a run on prospects yet, and I wasn't really attached to any of the available ones, so I decided to focus on filling out my roster.

8 122 SteveG Wagner_Billy/ATL

Best closer on the board. I have no idea if his arm will hold up, but I needed some relief pitchers, and I wasn't crazy about taking my chances on whoever ended up with saves in Minnesota, for example.

9 132 SteveG Hoffman_Trevor/MIL

See above reasoning.

10 148 SteveG Ordonez_Magglio/DET

I was surprised he was still around. People realize Mike Illitch has to pay his contract, right, and not us? I viewed him as a better proposition than Soriano or Vlad Guerrero, similar hobbled sluggers, and Ordonez does have OF eligibility still.

11 164 SteveG Marmol_Carlos/CHN

Third relief pitcher. He's been shaky in the spring, and shaky in general, but hey, not much left in terms of elite closers at this point.

12 180 SteveG Kelly_Casey/BOS

Time to go prospecting! Every scouting report on Kelly raves about how polished he is, and while he might not have the true "ace" stuff, most don't see him as a bust either, and he has an outside shot of getting up to Boston at some point in the year. Since the REALLY elite prospects like Stanton and Strasberg are long gone, I liked Kelly's upside.

13 196 SteveG Wakefield_Tim/BOS

Depending on how I shape my rotation and swing staff, he could be a really valuable piece. At the least, I know he'll make 15 to 25 starts, a good portion of which will be quality. And because he plays for the Red Sox, he should pick up a decent amount of wins, assuming he isn't eventually bumped out of the rotation by Dice-K.

14 212 SteveG Byrd_Marlon/CHN

Ugh. I have little faith he can repeat last year's numbers, but I hate the speed and SB guys like Juan Pierre that we left on the board. Therefore, I rolled the dice with Byrd. At the very least, Byrd will get a LOT of at-bats, since the Cubs gave him a crap ton of money.

15 228 SteveG Blackburn_Nick/MIN

See above about Byrd, but instead, I'm talking about Blackburn. Like every other Twins' pitcher, I think he puts up an ERA in the 4s and wins (and loses) a 8 to 12 games. For a swing pitcher, that sounds pretty good.

16 244 SteveG Eveland_Dana/TOR

Now stockpiling starting pitching.

17 260 SteveG Encarnacion_Edwin/TOR

At this point, Tom took over for me, drafting with a list. I told him to take the highest rated, in this order, which made for some hilarious results: 1b/3b, ss/2b, OF, RP, and then all prospects. I like Edwin's upside, assuming Cito Gaston doesn't screw it up by playing some hack.

18 276 SteveG Betancourt_Yuniesky/KCA

He already hit a home run, I'm a genius!!! Ack, I didn't even realize he was ranked this high on the list I left, which REALLY skewed toward players with starting jobs and high AB totals. Because the Royals are the Royals, I don't doubt that Betancourt will get 600 ABs, and while his rate stats completely suck, there is always the chance that he has a couple good weeks here and there... Right? Right guys?

19 292 SteveG Raburn_Ryan/DET

Back-up outfielder, with an outside shot of qualifying at an IF spot or catcher if there is a severe emergency in Detroit.

20 308 SteveG Clippard_Tyler/WAS

Decent numbers, and I need a few more arms.

21 324 SteveG Friedrich_Christian/COL
22 340 SteveG Norris_Derrek/WAS
23 356 SteveG Brignac_Reid/TBA
24 370 SteveG Matzek_Tyler/COL

For my prospect list, I did absolutely no work - The list I gave Tom was BP's Top 101 list, in order, with the players already chosen taken off of it. Sorry Michael :(

DON'T READ THIS: Blogging LOST, Week 3

In keeping with last week, here is another running diary of LOST. Of course, huge spoilers on this week's episode follows, and as always, Amanda and Tom will be providing some commentary as well.

9 p.m. - A short recap this week, and we're apparently going to be following Locke (and hopefully Fake Locke) for a bit. In Bizarro LAX, he's getting out of his van with the fancy ramp, which stalls and makes him fall down on to the lawn, with the sprinklers smacking him in the face. How farcical and morbidly funny! And hey, Peg Bundy is back as his girlfriend! That's nice that he has love again. She finds the card from Dr. Jack Shepard in his clothes, and says maybe it's destiny that they ran into each other. Nifty, huh?

The scene shifts to the Smoke Monster. It hovers outside of a building in the Others' village for a bit, and then finally forms around a machete, which Fake Locke takes. He had Richard tied up in a trap, but finally chops him down. First commercial break.

9:07 p.m. - Short break, as we're back to Locke in his office. And his evil boss Randy is harassing him about his walkabout, and then shitcans him for lying about attending the conference. Aw, poor Locke.

We move to Fake Locke on the Island. He mentions that he knew Locke's appearance would gain him access to Jacob, because Locke is a "candidate." Fake Locke tries to appeal to Richard by saying that he'll tell him everything as opposed to keeping him in the dark, but Richard refuses to join him. Fake Locke is then seemingly going to kill him, but gets distracted by something, and lets him go.

Flash to Ben on the Island. He's talking to Alana or Illana or whatever her name is - Amanda and I don't know. Amanda comes up with the name Wannabe Jackass, which seems appropriate. WJ says that Fake Locke is now "recruiting."

Fake Locke is now going through the cottage with the music from earlier; a vinyl is playing on a record. In another room, James (Sawyer) is drinking himself into a stupor - It seems like Fake Locke has his first recruitment target.

Amanda: Oh God damn it he is sexy. Even as a brooding alcoholic with a broken heart. And absolutely NO good can come from this. Well I mean, really. Locke is clearly this insane Smoke Monster with a plan. And Sawyer is VERY vulnerable and angry right now. He's got a hairline temper and is liable to fly off the handle at any second. If Locke starts devising crazy plans, Sawyer could go along with it. And shit will go down.

9:18 p.m. - Back from the second commercial break, we're sticking with Sawyer and Fake Locke. (Sawyer is in his underwear and a wife-beater, hence Amanda's great like.) Amanda says, "How'd Sawyer get so dirty? ;) I think that LOST and Intervention could have an amazing crossover episode."

Wow, Sawyer catches on right away that Fake Locke is fake. Fake Locke says he can answer the most important question in the world - Why Sawyer is on the Island. And even drunk, Sawyer gets in some good zingers, but agrees to go .

Amanda: NO. 1) Don't go with him. 2) NO PANTS!

We flash to Bizarro LAX. Hugo Reyes, the OWNER of Locke's company, has a confrontation with him outside of his (former) job. He offers him a new job with his temp agency.

Now we're on the beach. Wannabe Jackass covers up the corpse of Locke, and says they should go to the Temple, luring Sun with her by saying that Jin might be there. They postpone their plans though to bury Locke.

Flash over to Fake Locke and Sawyer, and Fake Locke sees a kid in the jungle. He chases after him, eventually falling at his feet. In an eerie similarity to Real Locke, the kid tells him that he knows the rules and can't kill, which causes Fake Locke to scream, "Don't tell me what I can't do!" Third commercial break.

Tom: Tween Jacob. Can't wait for LOST babies - It'll be better than Muppet Babies.

9:28 p.m. - Back on the Island, Richard catches up to Sawyer and warns him that Fake Locke will lie to him. Richard runs, and Fake Locke and Sawyer have an awkward exchange.

In Bizarro LAX, Locke and Rose has a short exchange. She runs the temp agency, and apparently, she still has terminal cancer. Aw. But she convinces Locke to take a more realistic job, as opposed to construction foreman.

Back on the Island, Sawyer and Fake Locke are walking through the woods. Sawyer talks about Of Mice and Men, which Fake Locke has no recollection of, and Sawyer pulls a gun on him, asking him what will happen if he pumps a slug into his brain. Fake Locke says he used to be a man, like Sawyer, and lures him into further intrigue and not shoot him.

9:38 p.m. - Apparently, according to a conversation between Wannabe Jackass and Ben, Fake Locke is stuck in his current form for some reason. They stick Locke in the ground, and Ben does a short eulogy. "John Locke was a... believer. He was a man of faith, he was a much better man than I will ever be and I'm very sorry I murdered him." The Pilot gets in a pretty nifty line right after, "Weirdest damn funeral I've ever been to." Nice.

We flip to Bizarro LAX, and Locke is calling for Jack. But he gets the secretary and doesn't talk! Eeck. Locke confesses to Helen that he got fired, and of course, right as he does, the doorbell rings. The airplane company found his baggage. Locke tells Helen that he lied about the conference, and has her open the case, which was full of his knives. He says he wasn't allowed on the walkabout. "I'm sick of imagining what my life would be out of this chair." Helen and Locke kiss passionately, after she rips up Jack's card. nooooooo!

Flash over to the Island with Fake Locke and Sawyer. They apparently have to climb down a ladder on a cliff, to God knows where. One of the steps snaps as Sawyer tries to climb down it, and then, the ladder detaches from the face of the cliff. Fake Locke grabs Sawyer as he dangles, and they manage to make it to the outcrop they were shooting for. It is a small cavern with a scale, with a black rock and a white rock balancing each other. Fake Locke throws the white rock out into the water, and then lights a torch to show him why he's there - There is some sort of mural on the wall, with his name and various others. Shocking! And we hit another commercial break.

Tom: I hope they're going to explain something in the last 10 minutes.

9:53 p.m. - In Bizarro LAX, Locke is somehow watching kids run laps, and then teaching them about... the human reproductive system. I guess he's a substitute teacher. And Ben Linus teaches European history! What a weird turn of events.

We flip over to the Island, where Fake Locke is showing Sawyer around Jacob's cave. Each main cast member corresponds to a number, and Fake Locke says that Jacob was pushing all of them toward the Island. Fake Locke says they are all "candidates" to become the protector of the Island, and then says that there is no need for a Protector. Fake Locke also crosses out Locke's name on the wall. Fake Locke asks Sawyer if he's ready to go home, and Sawyer says, "Hell yes."

Amanda: I'm not buying it, Locke. If it's that easy, why are you still there? Sorry. There's more to it than this.