The Baggage Game - Monday, September 13, 2010

You know the drill! Excess Baggage is here, and the episode is linked at the bottom. (Note: You really, REALLY need to see the Excess Baggage for this episode. Even if you don't normally watch the full episode, well, just trust me. It's good times.)  

Today we have Tabitha, who is 1) shockingly busty and 2) in a somewhat conservative blue dress that she is still popping out of. We are talking like, Salma Hayek level cleavage here. Good lord. Unfortunately though, her face looks so tightly wound that I'm almost positive they are implants. (I'm not philosophically opposed to implants, but seriously, why get them SO large that EVERYONE knows?) 

And true enough, when Jerry asks her about her background, she says she's the cellulite queen. She owns her own cosmetics company in Anaheim, California, so she has developed a cream that gets rid of cellulite (and grows your breasts, apparently). She wants a guy who loves to play Guitar Hero though, so I guess I have a shot! 

First up is Ted, who looks like Egon from Ghostbusters. He's from Santa Monica, but unfortunately, he is not a member of Everclear. Next up is an audio technician from Tacoma, Washington - Nate. He does look like he could have been in Everclear, but he sounds like a huge stoner. And finally, we have a property manager from Atlanta, named Myron. He is Wayne Brady, but younger, and minus the hilarious guest appearances on Chappelle's Show.

 First Round Ted: I make voodoo dolls of my ex'es. Nate: I wear guyliner every day. Myron: I spend six hours every day playing video games. Ted sounds pretty effing creepy and obsessive with that baggage. And keep in mind, that's his small baggage! He also brought one with him!!! Nate looks like a rock star, so this isn't surprising. Tabitha says it's kind of hot, which makes sense given her background. Tabitha is most concerned about the video game thing, and asks when he works and what not. But he retorts and remarks that he's at home with her at 2 a.m., playing video games, as opposed to playing games with her. oooooo. Second Round Nate: I'd rather ride my bike than have sex. Ted: I was rejected by a sperm bank. (Jerry says, "You have to find out why - Too many deposits?") Myron: I must get drunk before sex. The bike guy? Y'all got issues, dude. Tabitha says she can vaguely understand it if it's a motorcycle, but if it's a bicycle, that's just messed up. The sperm bank dude is actually the least worrisome of the three, since I'm under the impression that you have to be a superstar athlete or a genius to donate now. So, I'd eliminate the drunkard, since that's a pretty severe ailment to have. However, Tabitha is on an opposite wavelength from me (or she's just nutty and craves chaos) and eliminates the sperm bank guy. This turns out to be Ted, a.k.a. Egon, who reveals it was probably just because he's near-sighted. This makes Tabitha feel bad, but womp womp womp to her. Especially since Nate describes his love with the motorcycle as valid because it doesn't talk back or ask where you've been. Time for the hot spot! Nate describes himself as amazing in bed, he's never too old to "pick up a young girl" (???), his most sensitive body part is "yes", he's give Tabitha the nickname Kitty, and he's dated "a couple" girls at the same time. Myron loves breasts (well, lucky him!), he lied about being in love once, he wears boxers to bed, he's hook up with Sarah Palin (limited to politicans), and he's fooled around on a hotel balcony in Vegas. Final Elimination Round Nate: I slept with my brother's girlfriend. Myron: I dump girlfriends if they gain any weight. Ted (eliminated): I've paid for several prostitutes. So much for my defense of Ted a second ago. That would have been an immediate dealbreaker for me. Tabitha is annoyed with Nate (and the sudden lisp that he has) for sleeping with his brother's girlfriend. She seems more mild about Myron's baggage, and overall, he does seem like a more decent dude. (Or at least, he fakes it better than Nate, who sounds like a drug addict.) Tabitha makes her choice... and dumps Nate! Good for you, Tabby! It's rare that I agree with a choice that they make on the show, but Myron did seem like the better choice, given that he lacks a big rack. Anyway, Tabitha's baggage is one of the following: - I had an affair with a married woman. - I dated an 80-year-old man. - I faked a pregnancy to keep an ex. Well, the affair thing I'd be the most lax on. Not because it was with a woman, but because 1) she might not have known or 2) it could have been a couple years ago, when she was just going through a weird phase. The 80-year-old thing I could dismiss for similar reasons, although it suggests either serious gold-digging or daddy issues. The faking a pregnancy thing too seems like a "young girl" stupid mistake. So really, as far as Baggage goes, Tabitha's issues are pretty mild. Myron said he would have the most issue with the fake pregnancy thing, because of the deceit involved. Tabitha reveals her baggage to be... Dating an 80-year-old man! Myron says, "My grandma says people older than a certain age give you worms." Tabitha makes it worse for herself by saying the guy "met all her needs" and ran errands for her. (He's 80, what could he possibly have done for you? Moved your furniture?) However, Myron is a boob man, so he accepts her baggage. And in a rarity for this show, he gets a smooch on the cheek from her in the "after baggage" segment.