The Baggage Game - Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Excess Baggage is here, and as usual, the episode is linked at the bottom. If you didn't know, well, now you do.

Today, we have Daniel. He's a life coach from Marin County, California. Apparently, that is a full-time job, so kudos for him! I'm guessing he doesn't need to partake in his own services. He's look for a Renaissance woman that will appreciate the arts, and who has a spiritual side.

For the daters, we have Keri first, a marketing consultant from Los Angeles, California. She is hella pale - Like even paler than I am, and I'm pale. Next is Amy, a legal assistant from St. Louis. She is wearing the most ruffled blue top ever; even Princess Toadstool would be impressed. Finally, we have Cameron, a make-up artist from Santa Monica, California, and self-described "party girl." She loves to put latex on any part of her body she can, which is weird.

First Round
Keri: I haven't missed my soap opera in 30 years.
Amy: My dog and I wear matching outfits.
Cameron: I sleep with a bite guard.

Regarding Keri, and the others, this is a bit of an older group than usual - Closer to 40 than 30. She lovessss her Days of Our Lives. With Amy's baggage, you can tell she's attractive, since ugly girls don't seem to match their outfits with their dogs. (I'm a master of probing psychological things like this.) Cameron's baggage is so meh and minor. This whole round is a bit of a disappointment so far.

Second Round
Keri: My boyfriend MUST become a vegan.
Cameron: I attend spiritual sweat lodges every week.
Amy: I stole $10,000 for an ex. (Jerry says, "At least you know she's got money.")

Vegan girl, you can GTFO immediately. I love meat far, far too much to ever become vegan. Heck, I could conceivably be talked into going veggie if I liked the girl enough, but vegan, no way. It limits you way too much in terms of food. The ex thing is somewhat worrisome, but I bet he was an ass anyway. And the sweat lodge thing actually intrigues me; I like hearing about quirky stuff like that.

Daniel kicks the vegan girl to the curb, because he is sensible like me. This turns out to be Keri - Maybe if she had some meat, her skin would tone up a bit. She's bitter on the way out, but seriously, even some god damn meat. The two remaining girls snipe at each other, with Amy claiming that she was justified taking the $10k because her ex-BF was a freeloader.

Hot Spot time! Amy likes to have sex "any time," she'd like to be Hello Kitty, shopping is a vice, she likes Daniel's smile, and she once left in the middle of a date because the guy was a jerk. Cameron is obsessed with sugar, she's been skydiving, she'd buy Daniel "whatever he wants" with $1,000, she wouldn't have anything done if offered free plastic surgery, and size "always" matters to her. So far, Cameron is my favorite, since she seems like less maintenance than Amy.

Final Elimination Round
Amy: I hooked up with a judge to win a pageant.
Cameron: I slept with an ex two days before his wedding.
Keri (eliminated): I'm a hypochondriac.

Man, Keri sounds like a bit of a freak, huh? Amy is quite bragadacious about sleeping with the judge, and it was just a freakin' Hawaiian Tropic contest! Meanwhile, I was with Cameron at first - I figured, well, it takes two to tango, and the guy wanted to cheat. But then she reveals that it was more of a closure thing for herself! Holy heck! So neither is high on my list, but Cameron seems more artsy-slutty than money-slutty like Amy, so I'd go with her.

Dan ponders it for a minute... And sends Amy home! Even though he has a silly job to me, I feel like Dan and I could hang out and have a beer. His baggage is one of the following three things:

- I donated my seed to three women.
- I live in my van.
- I faked a terminal illness to break up with a girlfriend.

Okay, to me, the terminal illness is by far the worst. It shows a lack of character and nerve; just break up with the person! (Note: If he was 16 to 21 years old, then it's a little scandalous.) The van thing is bad if it has been going on for a while, understandable if it is a short-term thing. (And if he doesn't live by the river.) Meanwhile, the seed thing is just weird - Dan isn't super dreamy or anything. I'd probably give him a pass on that.

Cameron said she would have the biggest issue with the van thing, noting that it's "tight quarters." Dan reveals that his baggage is... living in his van! (By the way, reminder: He's a LIFE COACH.) And it gets worse, as he says it is totally by choice. And even worse, they have a picture of it, and it looks like a child molester van. Cameron does not really seem pleased about this at all, and asks where they would cook, to which Dan suggests her place. Shockingly though, she accepts his baggage anyway, which also seems to surprise Jerry.