The Baggage Game - Monday, September 6, 2010

Ah, back to the normal schedule for the glorious Baggage Game. As usual, if you want to play along, you can find the link to the episode at the bottom of this entry. The excess baggage for this episode is here. Let's play!

Tonight's contestant is Angelo. He is black with a bald head, and he looks pretty cool to me. However, he's a telemarketer from Norfolk, Virginia, which certainly doesn't sound that cool. His first potential date is Cassady (not a typo), a sales rep from Birmingham, Alabama. She's so sassy, Phil Hartman would immediately approve her for a Tiger Beat photo spread. She's also working on a book. Next is Jennifer, a make-up artist from Newport Beach, California. She certainly wears her work, as her eyes are caked in about 20 pounds of shadow. She looks like the chubby Valerie Bertinelli. And finally, there is Yunga, a voice teacher from Atlanta, Georgia. She looks and sounds like a tranny. So, uh, this isn't the greatest edition of the game ever from a T&A perspective.

First Round
Cassady: My men must wear lipstick.
Jennifer: I have a eflated breast implant. (Jerry says, "When I get a flat, I call AAA.")
Yunga: I eat three boxes of chalk a day.

Why the hell would you want your man to wear lipstick? Jerry asks the same thing, and Cassady gives a snotty answer about how he should be secure enough in his manhood to wear it. That's great, since it's basically a "yeah, but still" answer that has nothing to do with anything. Jennifer's 50 pounds of make-up worry me more than the 50 pounds she's lost in one boob. (Angelo asks how do you walk around with a girl who has one big breast and one little breast. Jerry says, "Just look at the big one.") As far as Yunga goes, what the fuck girl??? And she eats a piece of chalk on the show!

Second Round
Jennifer: I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend. (Jerry says, "Could be a two-fer.")
Cassady: I have an intimacy schedule. (Jerry: You just have to find an opening... in the schedule!)
Yunga: I steal meat from the grocery store.

Of these, the meat thing is the weirdest, but it wouldn't worry me as much as the intimacy schedule. Listen, I'm a passionate, passionate man. And the "still in love with the ex" thing would be the one I would chose to eliminate, even if it is with a woman. Why are you on the show then if you're still in love with someone else?

Angelo eliminates the meat girl though, and I can understand his reasoning. That's just so bizarre. It turns out to be Yunga, the chalk-eater who looks like a tranny. On her way out, she classy remarks that, "I might like to eat chalk, but that's not the only thing I like to put in my mouth." You stay classy, Yunga.

We move on to The Hot Spot. For Cassady, she likes fine wine over cold beer and hard liquor, she spits out a fat rhyme that impresses Angelo, she has talked about her ex on a date, she has a nipple ring (just one), and she likes being called dirty names in the bedroom. (Jerry says, "Sit down *****!") Jennifer prefers candles and rose petals over whips and chains, she has woken up with someone she doesn't know while drinking, she thinks she's funny, she writes to her ex'es behind her boyfriend's back, and she would give Angelo the nickname Angel.

Final Elimination Round
Cassady: I refuse to use any type of birth control.
Jennifer: I have 21 tattoos and want my entire body covered.
Yunga (eliminated): I was court ordered to get anger management counseling.

Well, it was nice to know you, Cassady. She says she's really ready to have a family, and she doesn't "dig" conventional medicine. As far as Jennifer, I'm not really into tats, but Angelo is. (Jennifer is wearing a long-sleeve jean jacket and pants, and isn't showing much skin.) Given her other answers, I'd chose Jennifer, although I probably wouldn't really be into either.

Angelo doesn't agree with me, and he sends Cassady packing. And, given that his baggage is one of the following three...

- I've impersonated a star athlete to score.
- I've impregnated nine women.
- My family has a restraining order out against me.

... it will be HILARIOUS if he has impregnated nine women. Wouldn't that just be SO perfect for Cassady? Personally, I'd find that the most concerning thing, but hey, maybe Cassady is really so desperate for a family, she doesn't care about the character of the dude slingin' it in her. The star athlete thing isn't that big of a deal at all, since we've all told silly lies at one point or another, and the family thing is understandable given the right circumstances.

Surprisingly, Cassady says the kids thing would worry her the most, and of course, that's what Angelo's baggage is. He says it was when he was younger, and he adds that it doesn't mean he has nine kids, as if this makes it better! Good God, man. Cassady says she's sorry, but she can't accept his (deadbeat) baggage. Good choice! She sends him off with a rap: "Hey yo Angelo, your rap was weak, and so were your condoms, freak."