Monday, September 20, 2010

The Baggage Game - Monday, September 20, 2010

Time for The Baggage Game! You can find the Excess Baggage here, and as always, the full episode is linked at the bottom of this entry.

Tonight the dater is Vince. He looks pretty normal. He's a financial consultant from Newark, New Jersey. He's looking for a girl "as smart as she is sexy" and that can keep up with his "rock star lifestyle." What the eff? You're a financial consultant! Jerry also points this out, to which Vince replies that he expects his lady to be able to drop everything and come out with him if he calls. How lovely.

First up is Brooke, a massage therapist from Austin, Texas. She is really, really attractive, which makes me wonder if "massage therapist" is code for something else. She wants an active guy that can keep up with her. Next up is Darcy, a nanny from Minneapolis, Minnesota. To be mean for a second, she looks like she might be pregnant herself. And finally, we have Mara, a legal accountant from Winnepeg, Canada. This is odd to me because that's the last name of my roommate, and because this girl has dyed platinum blonde hair, which is completely unlike my roommate, her younger sister and her mom, who are all like chestnut brown. Mara is quite attractive, despite the super-dye job and an odd plaid shirt.

First Round

Brenda: I always crack my wrists, neck, feet and knuckles. (Jerry says, "As long as she's not cracking nuts, you're OK.")
Darcy: I never sleep more than three hours.
Mara: My dog has 36 outfits and 12 pairs of shoes.

Brenda's baggage isn't really baggage, since most people have a quirk like that. Meanwhile, Darcy (who isn't in Pride and Prejudice) is writhing on the bed like an addict and not sleeping, and Mara is spending god knows how much on crap for her dog. Hey Mara, it's a dog! Not a baby. Dogs don't need shoes, that's why they have paws.

Second Round

Brenda: I'm a real-life Runaway Bride. (Jerry says, "You'll wanna elope.")
Mara: I have no female friends.
Darcy: I use my viberator four times a day. (Vince says, "Is that really baggage?," and I'm with him.)

Man, this is another weak round by Baggage standards. #2 and #3 are fine in context. The runaway bride thing is the only serious issue, so I'd send that girl packing. I don't need that sort of drama. Vince agrees with me, and as a result, Brenda is going home. (It seems odd though, because she says it was just one time.)

Mara says she went to an all-girls Catholic school growing up, and as a result, she doesn't like how catty girls can be. She seems like an absolute sweetheart, and is slowly winning my heart, since Darcy seems a bit... off.

Hot Spot time! Darcy is proudest about getting her Master's, she'd use a superpower on Vince to "make him scream my name," if she could have a threesome with a celebrity couple it would be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie because "they seem like they'd be fun," she doesn't go home with a guy on the first date, and if money wasn't any object, she'd be a psychologist. Mara sees herself as rich and famous in 10 years, salad is the best thing she can cook, she watches porn once a week, she prefers successful men to generous men, and she does an impression of Betty Boop. (Vince says afterward that Mara seems like a gold digger; what a dude!)

Final Elimination Round

Darcy: Only women can give me orgasms.
Mara: I keep a portable urinal in my car.
Brenda (eliminated): I'm an exotic dancer.

Wow, I called the Brenda thing. Go me! And Darcy's baggage isn't THAT surprising to me, since she seems kind of... off. I'd find it more worrisome than Mara's baggage. Mara says it's because she has a really small bladder, and she gets stuck in L.A. traffic all the time. (I'm assuming she wouldn't be doing it in front of me, and therefore, I'm cooler with Mara overall.)

Vince slags on both women a bit, which seems silly to me, since one of them still has to pick him after hearing his baggage. He eliminates Mara - Boo! She has a good zing on the way out though: "Good luck on someone who needs four settings to squeal." Speaking of Vince's baggage, it's one of the following three...

- I was arrested for streaking at a baseball game.
- I'm clinically diagnosed as a man and a woman.
- I cheated on my girlfriend with 15 different women.

Of these, the cheating would be an absolute dealbreaker. Seriously, 15 different women? That's just pathologically bad. The "man and woman" thing... Having kids is big to me, so it would hinge on that. And the streaking at a baseball game thing sounds like one-time, drunken behavior, so meh to that. That wouldn't affect my decision-making at all.

To Darcy, the man and woman thing would worry her the most, which Jerry notes would seem odd given her proclivity for both sexes. However, Vince reveals his actual baggage, which is the cheating thing that bugs me the most. He says it's in the past now, and that he wouldn't go looking for it, but as soon as he told ladies this, they would go after him. What a sleaze! Jerry picks up on this immediately, and sarcastically notes, "The burdens of being a man." Darcy enthusiastically shuts the case on Vince, who slithers away. Nice goin', Darc!


  1. No offense to any Vinces that might be reading this, but Vince is kind of a slimeball name. Like, I'm pretty sure every Vince I've met has been a total creep. This particular Vince doesn't seem to be doing much to break the stereotype. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend with 15 different women or that he kept track.

  2. @ Amber - That's a good point on Vinces. In wrestling, Vince McMahon is known as the sleazy, crooked (but successful) owner of the WWE, and Vince Russo is the shitty writer for TNA. The only Vince I can think of that was a decent human being was Vince Lombardi, and even he had some questionable aspects.


Try not to be too much of an ass, unless completely necessary. You are subject to tyrannical moderation.


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