The Baggage Game - Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Time for another bit of The Baggage Game. As usual, this episode can be viewed at the bottom of my entry, and the excess baggage interview session can be found here.

Today's contestant is Morgan, a therapist from Los Angeles, California. She kind of looks like what I imagine the little girl from The Cosby Show growing up into, instead of the real-life alien that possessed Raven's body with a vicious appetite. Or, if you want a more normal comparison, one of the girls from Sister, Sister. She wants a guy who is safe, sane, smart and sexy. Jerry says the fifth S, of course, is Springer. ba-dum-ching!

First up is Christian, a "business owner" from Naseau, Bahamas. If there is one thing I've learned from Baggage, it's that nobody's job title just describe what the eff they actually do. He does mention that he owns a beach house though, so he must be doing well. Smitty is next, a hunky high school teacher from Detroit, Michigan (and surprisingly not Boston, considering his name). He loves sports and the outdoors, which is not shocking in the slightest. Finally, we have Xander, an "Internet investor" from Sacramento, California. He's wearing a stupid paperboy hat and a pink / bright peach shirt, and a vest. I'm not sure if it's acceptable for me to hate someone for stupid wardrobe choices, but if so, he would qualify.

First Round
Christian: I speak to the dead with a Ouija board. (Jerry: What are they saying these days?)
Smitty: I never wear underwear.
Xander: I can't sit through a whole movie.

Christian says he started talking to the ghosts when he was 14 - Morgan doesn't seem as concerned with this as she should be. She's definitely thrilled though when the hunky Smitty reveals that he doesn't wear underwear, and as proof, slides his off as Jerry does the reveal. Meanwhile, she isn't impressed with Xander, and I wouldn't be either. What gives man, are you 11?

Second Round
Xander: I shaved a girlfriend's head after an argument.
Christian: I'm the authority on penis enlargement. (Jerry: I don't know which one it is, but if you could leave me your card...)
Smitty: I'm dating four women right now.

Oh wow. The head shaver would definitely be the dealbreaker for me, just because it's so wickedly vindictive. It narrows out the "four women" guy, although just barely, to me. I would figure I might be able to get them down to just me, because I'd be awesome. And the penis thing, ick. It's a little gross, but I would date a girl with breast implants, so if I was a woman, I don't think a guy who has done the enlargement thing would freak me out.

Morgan sides with me, and boots the headshaver, which turns out to be fidgety Xander. womp womp. Xander says his ex dared him to shave her head, and hey, that Morgan shouldn't worry, because it was just down the middle. Oh, well, if that's the case... Meanwhile, Christian actually wrote a book about how penis enlargement works. Ye Gods. At least Smitty is a beautiful bastard, and thus, it's understandable that he'd have four ladies. (He does come across as smug.)

Hot spot time! For Christian, Morgan isn't allowed to touch his computer, Sarah Palin would be his running mate (Morgan gapes at him), he wants women to notice his smile, he'd pass time in a bank vault with Morgan by talking about his book, and he hits on women by, well, just talking to them. Smitty would like to work out his anxiety issues, he used to be a fitness model, he adjusts his junk in the car and he gives two BS answers to other questions by Jerry.

Final Elimination Round
Christian: I've never had a girlfriend.
Smitty: I get drunk every single day.
Xander (eliminated): I've produced porn.

Whew - It's probably for the best that Xander got S-canned earlier. Smitty's baggage is the worst of the three, given that he is clearly a raging alcoholic. (Reminder: He's a schoolteacher.) Christian's baggage is just weird, since he's a decent looking guy, and he looks at least 30, and maybe close to 40. I'd definitely eliminate Smitty, and reluctantly go with Christian. If he was closer to 30, it would be more normal, but he's way too old to have never had a girlfriend.

Morgan, proving that she might actually be a decent therapist, chooses to send Smitty the Drunken Pity home. Woohoo! But she has baggage of her own, which could be...

- I've slept with 14 celebs.
- I was in a mental institution for a year.
- I have a $10,000 room just for pleasuring myself.

The celebrity thing actually wouldn't bug me, unless she was specifically going after them. She's easy on the eyes, so hey, why wouldn't a celebrity want to date her? The mental institution thing would be the most worrisome of the three, but I don't think it's true at all, given her current job. And the $10,000 room... Well, uh, that's actually kind of normal given the usual issues with this show.

Christian says he would have the biggest problem with the mental institution thing as well. Hey, high-five, mental brother! However, her actual baggage turns out to be the $10,000 answer. (See what I did there?) Christian worries that it's a lot of competition for him, but Morgan said he's welcome to participate. Hi-oh! Morgan says she's been celibate for two years, and the room is a way to stay healthy and what not. Of course, this isn't much of a real issue for Christian. He does the fake-out but accepts her baggage, and they embrace. (And by the way, he's about 7-feet tall, and she's barely 5-feet tall, which makes for a humorous camera angle.)