Worldwide Wrasslin’ Focus: So Much God Damn Good Wrestling

Photo from "Hell Yeah! Sasha Banks"

Warning: Spoilers follow for Battleground, and Raw and Smackdown from the week of July 25.

I consider myself a wrestling fan, however, the current amount of product being put out by WWE on a weekly basis is seriously hampering my ability to keep up, even when the matches and storylines are worth following. Battleground was potentially the best PPV of the year, but it already feels like soup in my head because it was followed up by a three-hour Raw and a two-hour Smackdown.

All three programs were splendid, but ye gads. We’re talking about eight to nine hours of wrasslin’ in a three-day span! For a few years now, WWE has had an issue with fans being able to watch programs on tape or DVR delay, and their “solution” to this is seemingly to drown us all in content in the front portion of the week. It’d be one thing if Smackdown was still on Thursdays, because then at least there would be some breathing room.

Anyway, that being said, let me repeat that the three-day stretch featured probably the best wrestling and storyline focus of 2016 so far. The highlights were the ascension of Sasha Banks to the women’s champion, the nuclear pops she and Bayley got over the two days, and the pushes for Finn Balor, Dolph Ziggler and Dean Ambrose.

With all of these moments, the WWE has seemingly hit the reset button on its past practices, as David Shoemaker noted in a strong piece for The Ringer. There has seemingly been an emphasis on pushing better workers who are getting a crowd response, or on the wrestlers who will be a part of the next wave of WWE success.  

It’ll be interesting to see how long it’ll last, and how committed WWE is to the change. In the past, they’ve seemingly done resets via factions or insurgent groups (Nexus, the Corre) but quickly flipped back to the status quo at the first sign of trouble. Online, there has been speculation that John Cena is going part-time because he’s in-demand in Hollywood. If that’s the case, it probably removes a large crutch the WWE had in the past and forces them to focus on Rollins, Ambrose, Balor, Sasha and others.

How this is making all of us wrasslin’ fans feel, from Death to All Marks:

For other wrestling posts, click here!

NXT doesn't suck just yet! And Fatal Four-Way thoughts.

At the end of last night's Raw, it looked like the three-week NXT angle was in danger of jumping the shark. Vince McMahon was laughing in the ring with the seven wrestlers, triumphant in orchestrating yet another double-cross on one of his long-time enemies, Bret Hart. Frankly, McMahon as the ringleader of the group would have been trite and expected for his character.

Luckily though, the angle didn't end there. McMahon's laughter faded into nervous energy, and then, he was flattened by the crew he thought he controlled. I loved this part, as it established that the NXT wrestlers were going to play by their own rules, as opposed to McMahon's. They are currently being portrayed as a rogue faction in the WWE, one that can't be trusted, which I think is the right role for them to play. The next step will be getting them involved in some actual matches, as opposed to just eight-on-one beatdowns of wrestlers and ring personnel.

Raw saved what was a pretty lackluster fatal fourway PPV on Sunday night. While most of the undercard matches were good, the two main events left a lot to be desired. The Smackdown fatal four ended with Rey Mysterio as champion, which is a pretty lackluster result. I don't think most people take him seriously as a champion, not in a match that also had Big Show and CM Punk, both better choices for the belt.

I actually liked the ending of the Raw fatal four, with Sheamus getting a lucky victory out of the match. It would have been better booking for Edge to win that way, but hey, Sheamus has shown himself to be an opportunist in the past, and willing to cheat to get ahead. The match itself ran too short though, considering there wasn't a match over 15 minutes on the entire card, if I recall correctly.

Touching again on the undercard, The Miz was incredible with his rap slamming R-Truth, and his mannerisms throughout the match. He then got into it with Randy Orton the next night, which was awesome, although it only seemed to serve as a way to further the angle between Orton and Edge. Drew McIntyre also had a good match with Kofi Kingston, even if it was a rare reverse screw job on a heel.

NXT angle kinda, sorta continued on Raw

I was a bit disappointed with Monday night Raw's follow-up on last week's absolutely insane beatdown of John Cena by the NXT wrestlers. While the beatdown was addressed by pretty much anyone of significance on the roster, I thought some aspects of the response went too against character.

There were two big physical spots involving the NXT crew, after their initial microphone spot. First, when John Cena was in the ring addressing them, they came in from the crowd again, only to be fought off by most of the Raw roster. This also involved Seamus with a steel pipe, and he later explained that he didn't want some interlopers coming in and preventing him from beating Cena himself.

This explanation felt very “meh” to me. Seamus suddenly cares about fair play? The previous couple of months, he had been kicking people in the face after matches. I think the angle could have been just as effective without him or Randy Orton, a face or tweener with an edge, involved at all. I also thought that the NXT guys looked like punks when they ran from the ring, being chased through the back by... Santino, of all people? Ick.

However, the conclusion of the show was again very strong. The action abruptly cut from the in-ring stuff to GM Bret Hart being kidnapped and put in the back of a limo, which repeatedly crashed on purpose, in an attempt to get Hart to change his mind about firing all of the NXT guys. These actual crashes were somewhat lame, but the menacing NXT wrestlers hovering around the limo and the abruptness of it all made it work, much like the previous week's invasion.

Also, addressing the "firing" of Daniel Bryan / Bryan Danielson - I definitely think it will be revealed as a work. Although Wade Barrett is officially recognized as the leader of the NXT guys, Danielson is the guy most over with fans. Therefore, I think he re-signs with the WWE, and somewhat brilliantly, his firing will only make him more popular with anti-Cena and anti-WWE fans. The WWE can be stupid with its decision-making at times, but it would shock me if Danielson wasn't back sooner rather than later.

A star is "Bourne" on Raw - ha ha ha!

In what I hope is a good omen for the future, Evan Bourne got his best push yet on Monday's edition of Raw. The show started without any pyro intro, with a fight between Edge and Bourne. While the announcers explained that Bourne had challenged Edge for his spot in the Fatal Fourway match shortly before the show began, it looked like it was going to be the typical squash match, as Edge got in some quick offense. However, Bourne recovered, and managed to turn the table a bit before Edge moved out of the way of his finishers, the Shooting Star Press. Edge then cut a good promo on Seamus, Cena and Orton, before Orton came out and gave him an RKO.

I thought this would be the end of Bourne's involvement on the show, but shockingly, the WWE seemed to listen to fan response to the open and inserted him into the main event when Orton got hurt. Heck, he even managed to shine in the match, with some sick spots and the eventual pinful on Seamus. I've consistently advocated for Bourne - While he is a small guy, like Mysterio, his offensive arsenal looks really awesome and effective. I think he is a believable contender if booked properly, and frankly, the WWE is relying less on immovable monsters like Khali, Kane and the Undertaker anyway.

Outside of Bourne's participation in the main event, the best match was Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz, in a continuation of their feud started on NXT. The only downside of this match was that The Miz had to be involved. He is a heel on the rise, so while I'm glad to see Daniel Bryan got the pinfall with a surprise counter, I wish it could have come at the expense of someone besides The Miz. Also, the end of this match was a bit rough, as it seemed like the ref or someone else was out of position for the pinfall.

In other Raw business, the only other angle of interest involved an on-screen confrontation between general manager Bret Hart and company owner Vince McMahon. It was an odd promo - He cautioned Hart against relying too much on public opinion, cautioning him that as GM, he sometimes had to do things that the people wouldn't like. The promo had an ominous feel to it, which I liked.

Speaking of the promo, it was the setup for a viewer's choice three-hour Raw next week, where voters can chose all the matches and stipulations. Checking it out on www.com, you can't vote until next Monday - I'm guessing this is to prevent coordinated bot attacks on the voting, like when some Stern listeners tried to get Val Venis a title match a couple years ago. I like the idea on paper, but like Cyber Sunday, the WWE could make things lame by making most of the potential match-ups lame.

Grade for Raw: B+

The Miz and Jericho together? Holy heck!

Last night's Raw was one of the best of the year so far, and by far the best post-draft edition. You might be asking, “Wasn't the draft last week?” Well, yeah, but still. Several factors made Monday's Raw worth catching.

The foremost of these you can surmise from my picture selection, as my two favorite performers, The Miz and Chris Jericho, seem to be forming some sort of alliance. Both of them ranted about how horrible the WWE crowds are, and about the lack of respect they got from the Big Show. Given that both are the best guys the WWE has on the mic right now, a partnership – whether it be for the tag team belts or just a mutual admiration society – could give The Miz the proper rub he needs to challenge for the world title.

It seems like the initial angle will be Jericho and The Miz going after the tag belts, which are currently held by the Hart Foundation. It was hinted that the pair would use this to gain access to Smackdown, in an attempt to lure the Big Show into a fight. The exact details weren't revealed yet though.

However, there was plenty of other good stuff going on in the show. There were two Beat the Clock matches, featuring John Cena vs. Wade Barrett and Batista vs. Daniel Bryan. For once, the WWE let Bryan actually go for a bit, as he managed to score a near-submission on Batista with a submission hold. Batista broke it and won in about five minutes, but Cena won the overall challenge in 4:30, and thus gets to pick the stipulation for his PPV match with Batista. The seeds for a triple threat already seemed to be planted though, as Sheamus kicked Cena in the face before he could pick the stipulation.

Although it got absolutely no reaction from the crowd, Maryse had a decent win against one of the Bella twins. Similar to Randy Orton and The Miz and Jericho though, I think her heelish behavior (and ridiculously hot looks) will eventually get her over with the crowd. Unfortunately, the only decent competition for her is either buried in the division (Gail Kim) or on Smackdown (Beth Phoenix, Layla and Michelle McCool) or released (Mickie James).


Wayne Brady was decent as co-host, in that he wasn't a detriment to the proceedings. He even had a funny backstage skit with Santino, William Regal, Goldust and Vladimir Kozlov, of all people. A Santino-Kozlov pairing was teased, which is so odd that I definitely think it could work, similar to the old pairing of “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Nikali Volkoff.

However, the highlight of Brady's night was probably receiving an RKO from Randy Orton in the final, intense segment of Raw. Edge was hosting a segment of The Cutting Edge, and Brady invited himself to it because he wanted to meet Edge's guest, Randy Orton. Orton came down and RKOed Brady, and refused Edge's offer of teaming up again. The two fought for a bit, setting up a feud between the two for a bit, it seems.

All in all, there was a good amount of action on the show, and the cheese was kept to a minimum. If Raw can keep stringing together episodes like this one, it might be able to challenge Smackdown as the WWE's best show.

Grade: A-

Extreme Rules plays it by the book, but still entertaining

Catching up on recent WWE programming, starting with last night's Extreme Rules pay-per-view, before moving on to the three-hour Raw draft in a second post at 7 p.m tonight...

I thought the start of the PPV was great, with Sheamus beating the crap out of Triple H with a metal pipe. It was savage and brutal, which is a good idea for a PPV built upon the idea of all "extreme" matches. Of course, it wasn't surprising that Triple H was able to compete later in the show, but I was surprised they let Sheamus go over. I read after the show that Triple H has some neck damage and needs time off, so that was an effective way to get him off television for a while.

After the opening beatdown came the Miz and the Big Show, taunting the other wrestlers in the back. Teddy Long came out to argue with him, and once again, the Miz looked like a million bucks and a future champion. As a result of the Miz claiming he and Show were the greatest tag team of all-time, Long setup a three-tiered gauntlet for them.

The first team of R-Truth and John Morrison lasted the longest, although it was disappointing to see them lose after about seven minutes; both are guys who should be pushed at this point. MVP and Mark Henry were next, and not surprisingly, they lasted about two minutes. ShowMiz has beat them about 40 times the past couple months. And finally, the New Hart Foundation came out, with Bret Hart, and pinned the Miz after about 30 seconds. This earned them a title shot on Raw.

Outside of the tag matches, which were pretty solid, there were two highlights. First, CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio was a great technical match. It was a quick pace and had a slew of near falls, before Punk finally got the upper hand with the help of an unknown assailant from under the ring. And the other strong match, not surprisingly, featured Edge beating Jericho in a steel cage match that felt like the blow-off to their feud. While I liked their Wrestlemania match a bit more, this was still a good match.

The rest of the card was kind of meh to me. Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton featured some utterly sick usage of some trash cans - I have no idea how Swagger softened that blow, if at all. However, the finish had him going over clean, and although Orton hit an RKO after the match, I don't think the match really helped either wrestler that much.

Finally, the last man standing match between Batista and Cena was just OK. It wasn't actively putrid or anything, like a Great Khali match, but they have fought so many times now that anything they do seems like a rehash. The ending was sort of innovative, as Cena used duct tape to fasten Batista's legs around the ring post, preventing him from getting up. However, this wasn't entirely convincing to me, as it seemed like he could have gotten up.

Overall though, I thought this was a solid showing for the WWE. While there was no "oh my god!" moment on the show, none of the matches were complete wrestlecrap either. Even the "piss break" matches, like the women's championship and the strap match, were kept short and relatively brisk.

Grade: B+

All pictures from the photo galleries at WWE.com.

DON'T READ THIS: Spoiling WWE's Elimination Chamber PPV

I managed to catch the final two matches of the WWE PPV Elimination Chamber tonight, so I'll give my thoughts on them, plus another segment that they showed. Typical warning for this type of post: Massive spoilers follow! If you want to watch it, then don't read this!

- Smackdown Elimination Chamber: I thought this was a great match, with some sick spots and solid booking throughout. First, CM Punk is ridiculously over with his current "straight edge" cult gimmick. He plays the character PERFECTLY, and if he isn't a world champion within the next year while this plays out, I'd be really shocked.

Off the wall idea on my part - Why not have HBK join the straight edge cult? It's clear that he is on the outs with Triple H, and given his well known born again status, it seems like he might fit in with the group's mantra of no drugs and clean living. It would be simple enough for him to cut a promo badmouthing the fans for encouraging him to sin again, or something to that effect.

Anywho, back to the actual match. Punk eliminates R-Truth in about four minutes, giving him an entire minute of mic time to rant about the other competitors. Unfortunately though, the next one out is Rey, and he eliminates Punk shortly before the fourth competitor, Chris Jericho, got into the match.

Rey and Jericho fight for a bit, and surprisingly, the WWE let Morrison stay in the match, as the Internet speculation beforehand was rampant that he would get superkicked by HBK and taken out. Luckily though, he stayed in as the fifth entrant, and definitely showed that he deserved to be in the main event picture. He managed to eliminate Rey with Starship Pain, a nice feather in his cap, and he hung in tough with Jericho and The Undertaker (the final entrant).

If I had one problem with the booking in the match, it was that Morrison got eliminated kind of easily. After absorbing a good amount of pain, he was pinned after a somewhat-benign looking chokeslam to the metal floor, after a somewhat-long delay. At least give the guy the courtesy of a proper finisher, WWE! However, this is a minor complaint in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, the final two are Jericho and Taker, who have about five minute of solo action. They manage to trade finishers - Jericho gets him in the Walls for a minute, and hits a Codebreaker, while Taker slaps Hell's Gate on for a bit and hits the Last Ride - but neither can manage a victory.

That leads to the final spot of the match, as HBK finally materializes at the PPV; I believe he was hiding underneath the ring. He gives Taker a Superkick to cost the match, while Jericho gives him an "ohmygod" look. Good reaction on Jericho's part, since he and HBK just got off a brutal feud (Jerishow vs. DX) and had a really brutal feud last year that involved him punching HBK's wife. After the kick, Jericho wins the title win a pin and easy 1-2-3.

- The match preceding the Smackdown chamber wasn't on the card to start the night: The Miz vs. MVP for the United States championship. To be honest, I was hoping for something different, since it feels like these two have wrestled each other about 500 times in the past couple of years. However, as expected, they both had a decent match, with The Miz earning some tough-guy points for wrestling with a busted-open forehead from a headbutt. While it wasn't Ric Flair-level blood, the doctor still came out immediately after the match to patch him up.

Anyway, the match featured one sick spot, and it wasn't even in the ring between the match participants. The Big Show attempted to interfere on Miz's behalf, and he was stopped by Mark Henry, MVP's tag team partner. Henry then charged after Show, but he sidestepped and tossed Henry through one of the black pads at ringside - It was a very cool spot, and I wasn't sure after if Henry was legit hurt or simply milking the injury for the match's purpose. With Henry knocked down, Miz distracted the ref, and Show landed the knockout right on MVP, leading to a Miz pinfall.

- I didn't catch the Raw elimination chamber, but I saw the results, and it sounds like a doozy. Apparently, Cena made HHH tap to win the title... Only to have Vince McMahon come to ringside, with Batista, for an impromptu title match! Batista easily pinned Cena, and he's the new champion. (Maybe Cena should just stay home on chamber nights, given his past history with the event.) Also in the match, Orton got pinned by Ted Jr., which surely sets the stage for their angle.

Elsewhere on the card, the women's title match for the vacant Diva's belt was stupidly changed to a tag team match between Maryse and Gail Kim vs. Michelle McCool and Layla. Maryse gave Gail Kim the Sid Justice treatment, refusing to tag in and letting her get beaten by the two heels. The whole thing sounds pretty miserable, and the WWE probably should have just had the scheduled match. Likewise, Drew McIntyre beat Kane, in a match that nobody was really salivating over.

Finally, William Regal got on the mic to hype up the WWE's newest program, in which established stars mentor up-and-comers, and to also bemoan that he wasn't on it. Edge came out and speared him, much to the crowd's delight. Also, Edge announced that he would, uh, announce, his Wrestlemania opponent on Monday Night Raw. So, you have that to look forward to, which is nice.

Switching gears and going over the top with WWE's Royal Rumble

To change directions completely in terms of the LOST posts... The Royal Rumble was this past weekend, and it remains my favorite WWE pay-per-view each year, and the one I make sure to catch. By its very nature – 30 entrants, 29 going over the top rope, a title shot at stake – there is normally lots of chaos, betrayals and action. (If that sounds a bit like a soap opera, well, it is professional wrestling we're talking about here.) This year's edition was both surprising and a bit by the book. NOTE: MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW!

- The actual Rumble match itself was won by Edge, as the 29th entrant and returning from a major injury. Unfortunately, he threw out my favorite wrestler, Chris Jericho, who had derided him on the microphone for several weeks after he was forced out of action. Surprisingly, Edge then went on to win the Rumble, as he managed to evade an attack by John Cena and then threw him out.

Excluding Edge's entrance, there were two standout moments of the Rumble. First, CM Punk was the third entrant and managed to eliminate the two men in the ring – Dolph Ziggler and Evan Bourne – with relative ease. While I would have liked to see Ziggler and Bourne, two talented wrestlers buried on Smackdown and Raw respectively, go a bit further, there is no shame in them getting eliminated by Punk, one of the best all-around performers around right now. After their elimination, Punk brought a microphone into the ring and kept up with his righteous preaching schtick of recent weeks. Good stuff!

Second, Shawn Michaels continued to show why he is one of the best performers around still. It surprised me that he was the one to turn on Triple H, and not vice versa. However, they were teasing this on previous episodes of Raw, so it wasn't a huge deal. I was shocked though when he was eliminated for real and then had a tantrum, superkicking several refs.

I'm not sure where the WWE goes from here though; normally attacking an official is a sure-fire way to draw heat from the crowd but HBK was still getting cheered. Unless they're prepared to go to another Attitude era, they need to think of another way to get him over as a heel. The only thing that immediately came to my mind was having his squash an unquestionably popular babyface (Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne?) in a brutal way. Any kind of confrontation with, say, Cena or HHH, will lead to a mixed reaction because of their love-hate relationship with casual fans and "smarks" in the crowd.

- As far as the undercard goes, I was disappointed that Orton didn't win against Seamus, who is the worst champion since Smackdown was forced to give Khali the belt for a few months after injuries to the Undertaker. To me, Seamus gets a lot of go-away heat from the crowd, as opposed to heat for being a heel.

And on the contrary, because of all the crap with Legacy / Priceless and Seamus, Orton is now a subtle face. It seems crazy, since a year ago he was punting the Vince McMahon in the head and essentially molesting Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. However, the crowd keeps cheering him in a variety of matches. I'm hoping the WWE nurtures this a bit, waiting for the perfect moment to unleash him on another heel. Maybe HBK, if his turn does take? It's hard to pinpoint an exact moment.

- Of the other matches on the undercard, none of them really caught my eye. Mysterio vs. Undertaker was solid, but I never got the feeling that Mysterio could win, making the result a foregone conclusion despite some decent action.

The Miz vs. MVP had a somewhat surprising ending. Not the fact that the Miz won, but that MVP attacked him after the bell. Much like Orton, the Miz has been getting over a face despite his cocky attitude. At this point, he reminds me of a rawer version of Chris Jericho, and it wouldn't surprise me if he turned full-face as well eventually. I thought that's what they were setting up at the Rumble, but they reversed course a bit on Raw. MVP has flip-flopped between both at this point, and while I don't think he'll ever elevate himself out of the midcard now, he does do better as a cocky heel to me then a face.

All photos from WWE.com.

Stuff you're probably not interested in: WWE Bragging Rights review

[Left] Chris Jericho pictures are always appropriate.

I wasn't really sure what to write about today, but then I realized that I haven't written about professional wrestling in a good, long time. Don't read on if you still want to watch WWE's Bragging Rights! While I realize most of you aren't wrestling fans at all, maybe you'll find this interesting anyway.

Opening match: Miz vs. Morrison was a fun match with some good action, even if I didn't like the finish, which was Miz pinning Morrison clean. Sure, he did a kind of dirty move by shoving him during Starship Pain, but I'm not sure what the finish accomplished. I can't see the Miz getting pushed further just yet, and he get the best of Morrison in their last confrontation (the draft), so I thought Morrison would be going over.

Diva tag team match: The diva tag match was interesting until the finish, when it looked like Beth Phoenix and Melina screwed up. Maybe that was just my perspective though. I did like the sort of odd tension between Phoenix and her fellow heel, Michelle McCool. They would make for an interesting heel stable if it weren't for the Beautiful People in TNA, of which they would be a clear copy of.

World Heavyweight Championship fatal fourway: This match for the WHC wasn't that great. I'm believing the Internet reports about Taker being seriously diminished in terms of health more and more, because this match only went about 10 minutes. Undertaker won after a tombstone piledriver, and after Rey and Batista broke up each other's pins during the match.

After the match was over, Batista savagely attacked Rey, instantly turning him heel. While I think Batista turning heel is good for his character, which was getting stale as a babyface, I don't like it from an overall standpoint. This means Punk is on his way out of the title picture after the next match / short program with Taker, barring a huge upset, setting up Batista vs. Taker around Royal Rumble time. They did have good matches in 2007 and 2008, but it still feels stale to me. Also, given Taker's health concerns, who knows if that can continue?

Seven on seven, Team Raw vs. Team Smackdown: This was better than I thought it would be, although I was annoyed to see Kofi Kingston take the pin. I also thought he went out pretty weakly - All he got was a chokeslam from Show, and about 30 seconds passed before Jericho actually got the fall. At least have Jericho do a Lionsault or something, because the Chokeslam is more of a secondary finisher for Show now, and a rising star like Kofi shouldn't be pinned on it.

Iron Man match: Finally, this was surprisingly good. It looked like Cena got legit busted open, all the pinfalls made it interesting, and they did a good job of portraying Orton's utterly psychotic nature. His look of madness in the last two minutes was incredible, although with the finish, I'm not sure where they go from here. Maybe have Orton get even more ruthless? Just have him beat the crap out of people backstage for absolutely no reason, until even Legacy / Priceless (and specifically Ted Jr.) feels the need to stand up for him.

And with the win, there is now absolutely nothing for Cena to do. DX looks like they're going to be busy with JeriShow, any kind of match with Orton would be stale, and the other heels on the roster - Swagger, the Miz, Masters - don't really seem to be anywhere near Cena's league as a competitor.

Maybe the WWE will actually take my advice and go with a Kofi Kingston vs. Cena match, face vs. face, for the PPV. Or maybe they'll go old school and have Cena and Taker each lead a Survivor Series team at the PPV. You could the GMs pick each team, and Cena's team would be faces - Cena, Kofi, Evan Bourne and MVP. Smackdown would be a mix, maybe Taker, Morrison, Punk and Ziggler / Estrada. To provide an incentive for the winning team, all the surviving team members would be entered into a match for the championship belt on their brand.

At some point, you have Punk get Taker DQed, followed by Taker "removing" Punk from the match, setting up their program for the next PPV. At that point, maybe Morrison is the only guy left, and he fights valiantly against the remaining members before getting pinned by Cena eventually. They shake hands at the end, everyone is happy, the end.

p.s. I was disappointed that there was nothing from ECW on this show. What gives? It's got the best wrestling week in and week out on WWE programming now.

And also, the Chris Jericho picture is from here.

Wrasslin' around

[Left] Still the best entrance ever: The countdown clock from Jericho's initial WWE run.

The other day in The Los Angeles Times, there was a decent article about the new, family-friendly direction the WWE was headed in. However, to a longtime wrestling fan like myself, reading it reminded me that “family-friendly” is a relative term indeed. The columnist also didn't come across as much of a wrestling fan, since the article focused almost solely on current stars and provided little background.

While the WWE has undoubtedly strayed from the tits, ass, violence and blood of the appropriately-named Attitude Era, there is still plenty to get offended by. They have just shifted the focus from things that got them the teen / mature TV ratings (blood, breasts) to simpler storylines and non-bloody beatdowns. Also, with the exception of re-hiring Chris Masters, there has been a shift away from the professional bodybuilder look, probably in reaction to the Chris Benoit incident.

DX, the original group of bad humor, just reformed, even though Shawn Michaels and HHH are both in their mid-40s. Although it was played up as farcical, HBK did Superkick a tween girl in the face less than a month ago. (Background: They were doing a skit where HHH had to talk HBK back into wrestling, but HBK was working as a cook – I mean, a chef – at essentially a cheap hotel restaurant... Yeah, I don't know why I watch wrestling either sometimes.) They also still do childish jokes and crotch chops.

The best argument that can be made for the new direction of the WWE is a shift to more old school storylines. For example, Randy Orton is the current WWE champion, and he has retained his title each time with chicanery, normally with a member of his gang breaking up a pinfall or interfering. Orton has also done vile things, like punting HHH's wife Stephanie McMahon in the skull.

Opposing Orton would be John Cena, who you might remember from some funny appearances on late night television shows and some god-awful movies (The Marine, 12 Rounds). He is as close to Hulk Hogan as you can get in the current wrestling industry, as he is built like a starting middle linebacker and always plays the “good guy” role, at least for the last five years. (He does get booed a lot by hardcore fans, and while I'm not the biggest fan of his squeaky-clean persona, I do think he's a good wrestler. He also seems to be a good guy away from the ring as well.)

There are other clear bad guy vs. good guy feuds throughout the Raw roster, although I will say that as a result it tends to be the less entertaining show for longtime fans. Smackdown, which airs Friday nights on MyNetworkTV, is by far the better show at this point. That show has an edgier feud between the straight-edge CM Punk and the notorious risk taker Jeff Hardy, which culminated in a vicious tables, ladders and chairs match Sunday night at SummerSlam.

While there is far less blood in WWE programming now, there are just as many metal chair attacks and leaps from 20-foot-high ladders, so I'd hesitate to say they're getting back to “family-friendly” programming. When I was watching wrestling as a kid, it was just tamer in general; the brightly-colored outfits of Bret “The Hitman” Hart and Hulk Hogan definitely lightened the tone.

Holidays, obligations and Captain America

I've never been really gungho about holidays, even if it is seemingly something that is simple to celebrate, like my birthday. I don't really have a good explanation for this – The natural urge is to examine my childhood for an answer, except that I did have parties and what not from age six (the first year I can remember) to 21 (the last time I had a major party solely in my honor, which features a keg of Sam Adams). So, there was clearly an emphasis on it.

I think my “who cares?” attitude has developed as I've aged and more distractions and obligations come into play. For example, Fourth of July will forever be dead to me because of the Bristol parade. In 2007, I had to cover it for The Bristol Phoenix, and it was one of the most miserable days of my life. Because the streets and parking get ridiculous, I had to be there at 5 a.m. It was about 90 degrees the entire day, and except for some small breaks for water and what not, I was out there covering it until 2 p.m., I believe. Because I just wanted to get it over with, I then hung around the office and typed up copy for about three hours. I think all told, I did 3,000 to 5,000 words on the friggin' parade.

(On the plus side, I got second place at the Rhode Island Press Association awards for my coverage. On the negative side, nobody even told me I was nominated for it, so I wasn't there to accept it. Instead, I was seeing Iron Man, which was good, but I could have seen that any old night.)

A past parade experience – the St. Patrick's Day parade in Newport – was no better. Even though there was a steady pouring, there was no attempt to delay or postpone it. Things got worse as the day wore on, because the temperature plummeted and I was covered in a nice layer of snow. Ugh. At this point, I was 19 or 20, so some youthful enthusiasm must have carried me through it. I remember going back to The Newport Daily News office and trying to dry my soggy notes, 20 pages worth, on a heater, along with my socks and shoes. To add insult to injury, I had stupidly told my fellow intern that I would work for her the next day, which I learned was the busiest police log day of the year because of all the arrests from the god damn parade. There was literally just a newspaper page worth of arrests in Monday's edition of the paper, and I wrote up about 80 percent of them. Ugh.

Nonetheless, I feel obligated to give a shout-out to the best America-centric superhero: Captain America. I think Marvel has generally done a good job protecting his image by having him take proper stands, such as against the Vietnam War and sacrificing himself for the cause of freedom as opposed to authoritarian rule in “Civil War.”

I am surprised he hasn't had his own movie, but then again, who could play him? I hate when the backgrounds and ethnicities of characters are changed for movies, so that rules out the Rock, who otherwise is a natural choice to me. You want someone who looks big and tough without being so huge that he would be menacing (Vinnie Jones, a.k.a. Bullet Tooth Tony from Snatch). John Cena has the perfect look, but The Marine and 12 Rounds (and his promo work) demonstrate that he doesn't have the acting chops. Referencing Snatch again, Jason Statham would be perfect, except that he is British.

Ideally, I would want a big name actor to get the part, but the choices are kind of limited. Ben Affleck wouldn't be a horrible choice, but he is already cast in the Marvel universe as Daredevil; you can't turn around and then make him be Captain America instead. Likewise, even though they're different universes, I think Matt Damon is too synonymous with Jason Bourne to pull double-duty as Captain America. George Clooney is too old now, Brad Pitt probably isn't interested, Edward Norton is the Hulk / Bruce Banner, and Johnny Depp is too slight (thin) and too faggy. If he wasn't already Wolverine, Hugh Jackman would be perfect.

However, I think casting a newcomer or low-scale actor could be a big mistake. It hasn't worked out well the last couple times it has been tried. Hayden Christensen sucked as Anakin Skywalker; I know people like to make the dialogue excuse, but Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Emperor Palpatine and Yoda didn't come off as whiny bitches like he did. I don't even remember the guy they cast in Superman Returns, but even though that film made about $200 billion, there is no talk of a sequel because the whole thing sort of blew.

I'm sure I'm forgetting somebody decent though, so I'll ask you, my gentle readers (to steal something from the late great Ann Landers): Who would you cast as Captain America?