Recycling My Past: Kiss vs. Jewel

This is exactly what it looks like.

I originally wrote this in April 2007, in an attempt to set a record for the longest column ever printed in URI's campus newspaper, the Cigar. Although there was no real way for me to check, I'm pretty sure I did, since the piece was 3,001 words. If you want to punish yourself, you can read it here. This entry is a combination of that piece with some added detail.

I'm going to tell another story about things my friends and I did in the past. Back when I was a freshman in 2002, my friend Pat was invited to a party his cousin Jen was having at her house in Newport. She went to Salve Regina, and Pat brought me along, and our two other friends, Eric and Jeff.

For some reason, even though most of us had cars, we took our friend Chris' car. I don't know why we did this, since our friend Jeff couldn't really drive stick that well, and he was driving. We also got kind of lost on the way there. Three of us were from South County, and one was from Vermont, so really, you can't fault us for not knowing Newport, it being a whole 30 minutes away from where we grew up.

I'm regrouping though: This was the first "college party" that most of us had been to, so we played it cool for the most part. You know, we had a few beers, played some Taboo, didn't get too Wild and Crazy Kids. (Yeah, that's right, I just used that TV show name as an adjective, want to fight about it?)

As the party started to break up, Pat and Eric got into an argument with Jen's boyfriend, Ian, with Jen's friends Betsy, Kate and Erica egging them on. The argument was about who was better, Kiss or Jewel.

Reflecting back upon the argument, it is now obvious to me that it is something we have all pondered in our short time on this Earth. Keep in mind, this was before Jewel went bat-S crazy and tried to become a pop diva, and also before Gene Simmons started hosting a reality TV show that revealed he was a kind-of normal dad.

As Pat and Eric came up with reasons why Jewel was better, Ian came up with what he considered the ultimate counter to their arguments. "You can be buried in a Kiss coffin, does Jewel have coffins?"

Side note: Kiss no longer sells coffins, unfortunately. The band sold the Kiss Kasket from 2001 to 2006 for low, low price of $4,700. On the plus side, the band did autograph it before shipping out a unit.

Once Ian brought up the coffin issue, the argument slowly petered out, although it is still hotly debated to this day. For what it's worth, while I was intentionally on the side of Jewel, I have become a bigger Kiss fan as time goes on. Jewel really only had that one stellar album, which had come out around the time of this argument, whereas Kiss has an entire catalog of different music that is still worth listening to. Their greatest hits and singles collection CDs has a whole bunch of music you don't even realize is theirs.

After that, we left the party, and an unnamed member of our crew demanded that we stop at Newport Jai Alai (back when it still had jai alai) to pee in some shrubs. We concluded the night with some grub from IHOP, which was utterly fantastic at 2 a.m.

iTunes Running Diary – Monday, September 7 - The Best of Steve's Worst

This week's artists.

In case the theme of this week's diary isn't obvious, I'll just come out and say it: Songs I listen to even though they are not critically acclaimed in the slightest. In fact, most of them downright suck, and if you want to judge me, well, I can't really blame you. Admitting you have a problem with pornography is more acceptable than being a Limp Bizkit fan at this point. (And yes, I do enjoy them, but they didn't come up in the playlist Genius spit out.) Anyway, let's get this over with...

- "Mudshovel" by Staind. Prepare to see a lot of nu-metal / grunge / heavy rock / loud music on this list. I think just about every guy gets the impulse to listen to grinding guitars and hard rock at some point. Others who are luckier than me will find their heavy metal muse in something critically-liked, such as Metallica or Pantera, or at least in cheesy fun, like Kiss or Poison.

However, because I grew up in the late 1990s and early 2000s, it means certain tracks are burned into my psyche, like "Mudshovel." First, from a literary standpoint, I feel like that should be two words. Second, this is the only Staind song I can remotely tolerate.

If I am following my stated goals with this entry though, it definitely fits the criteria. The guitar breakdown leading up to and into the chorus is excellent. And, although the song is loud and nu-metal, there is some harmony and melody, as the lyrics are synced up to the pulsating guitar at points.

- "Bullet With A Name" by Nonpoint. There are several bad things about this band. For starters, they're from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Since they're not old or supermodels, that means there is a strong chance a member of the band is on meth.

Second, the chance of this is increased because this song is on the soundtrack to, not just a video game, but a wrestling video game, Smackdown vs. Raw 2007. It's kind of like if I told you my friend had a drug problem, AND he was moving to Harlem or Compton.

Final bad sign: Wikipedia keeps track of the chart positions for pretty much any single released in the past two decades. Even though "Bullet With A Name" was featured in a popular video game, it still only hit #22 on the U.S. Mainstream Rock charts. Even worse is that it's still there most popular song. They've managed to have 10 singles that placed between #22 and #40 on the charts, but no higher. That's the sort of middling mediocrity that is equivalent to Troy O'Leary or Tim Thomas or Ron Coomer or Xavier Nady.

- "They Say" by Scars on Broadway. Similar to the first two, this is a heavier song that features a good melody despite its heavy sound. It was pretty popular last summer, I believe, but seeing as I don't listen to a ton of new music, there is a good chance it actually came out five years ago.

The weird, synth guitar that comes in especially hard toward the end of the song really helps "They Say" out in my estimation. Also, its short length (that's what she said) helps it from becoming super repetitive and effed out. By the time it's over, I've moved on to another couple of songs, and I wouldn't mind hearing it again because the chorus isn't really dragged out.

- "Peace of Mind" by Boston. I believe there is a rule out there that bands based on cities suck, and Boston does not dispel the trend to me. (Confession: I don't mind Chicago.)

They have, to me, one unquestionably awesome song, which is "More Than A Feeling." In every other aspect, they are beaten by arena rock brethren Journey. "Peace of Mind" is a decent little 1980s rock song, but it's not nearly as good at rocking as "Anyway You Want It." The best of Boston can't touch Journey's more somber offerings, like "Open Arms", or the cheese value of "Wheel In The Sky" or "Don't Stop Believing."

- "Lick It Up" by Kiss. I believe this is Chuck Klosterman's favorite song, but it kind of sucks. There, I said it. Then again, it's not like Kiss shows a lot of musical diversity, and I do always rag on other bands for straying too far out of their comfort zone.

To make another baseball comparison, "Lick It Up" is a .275 rock song. Is it an incredible, life-changing experience? Not really. Is it so bad that you change it every time it comes on? Not really. It fits the bill if you're trying to round out a Top Five for your favorite Kiss songs, or if it was one of the first hard rock songs you ever heard, which I believe is why it ranks high on Klosterman's list. Hey, I can be the same way - You shant talk me out of my love of Green Day, Everclear, Billy Joel, Counting Crows, Soundgarden and Sublime, despite their radically different sounds.

- "Only Women Bleed" by Alice Cooper. I'm apparently closing this entry out with some of the worst / most dubious songs by rock legends. While Alice Cooper has some great songs, this is not one of them. Adam Carolla cited it as one of the worst songs to play at a wedding, and I happen to agree with him.

To be honest, I giggle like a 12-year-old at the chorus, so I don't even know that much about the content of the song. The chorus is so blatant and overbearing that the rest of the song's lyrics kind of get swept under the rug, similar to how "Rape Me" by Nirvana isn't endorsing rape in the slightest. Wikipedia says it is a song about a wife in a relationship with an abusive husband, and on second listen, it is a song with a message, and I'm probably going to Hell.