Steveats: Delicious Dunkin’ Candy Cane (and vanilla cream!) donuts

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

After experiencing the horror of the Subway “Reuben” sandwich last week, my body needed to recover. It needed something bad for me in a different way – something sugary and filling, while still being questionable.

The remedy was the Dunkin’ Donuts candy cane donut. It’s not exactly the most radical confectionary concept. They took a Dunkin’ Donut, spread some frosting on the top, and then sprinkled candy cane bits on the top and injected that bastard with enough vanilla frosting to turn anyone diabetic.

But man, sometimes the simplest ideas are the best! At my local Dunkin’ Donuts shops, they’ve also brought back the normal vanilla cream donut, except this time it’s in a shell with chocolate frosting instead of with powdered sugar. This is a total gamechanger, as now you don’t feel like an addict with a white dusting of an illicit substance all over your fingers. They also don’t spell it “vanilla kreme” anymore, probably after a strong cease-and-desist letter from another donut chain.

So, anyway. If you ate a Reuben from Subway last week, despite my best efforts to dissuade you, the remedy is a donut. Merry god damn Christmas!

Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other project! If you have a request for a future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check out some of the past Steveats, go here!

Steveats: Subway’s “Reuben” sandwich

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

Because I’m waging a destructive Cold War or Civil War with my own body, the other day I tried the Reuben sandwich from Subway. Or, to be more accurate about this, Subway’s disgusting take on a Reuben sandwich.

Going into this experience, I wasn’t even planning for this to be a proper Steveats entry. Because, honestly, it’s usually VERY hard to fuck-up a Reuben. I’ve gotten them from horrible, closed bars and not been that disappointed. Corned beef is the one “meat” meant to survive a nuclear apocalypse, because it’s so god damn salty, and you basically just melt some Swiss cheese on top of it, throw in some sauerkraut and pour Thousand Island dressing on top.

So, how does Subway managed to screw this up? Let me count the ways…

First, they use lean, fat-less corned beef, and they don’t even give you that much of it. (“The food is horrible, and such small portions too!”) Look at that anemic sandwich I got! In contrast, look at the beauties on the Wikipedia page for Reuben.

Second, the sauerkraut is flavorless mush, which is the opposite of what I was expecting. I was anticipating that it would essentially come from a can, and thus, have an overpowering scent and taste because it would have been swimming in Essences for months before being dished out. Nope! Instead, the ole sauerkraut just tasted watery, and like nothing.

Thirdly, oh my god, red onions. I don’t know if this was just a mistake by my Sandwich Artist, or if this is standard operating procedure for Subway’s horrible Reuben. But she put red onions on my Reuben! In a way, they kind of compensated for the lack of sauerkraut taste, but man, it was still a weird texture and gross taste for a Reuben.

This is a disgusting sandwich. I will offer two bits of faint praise – The dressing was OK, because it was dressing they have on hand at all times anyway. And I had a coupon, so the sandwich only cost me $6, instead of the $8.75(!!!) it retails for. For that much, you’re better off just going to the deli and getting a pound of corned beef, to make your own Reuben.

Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other project! If you have a request for a future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check out some of the past Steveats, go here!

Steveats: The Gas Station Hot Dogs

Cheese dog, steak and cheese taquito.

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

I started out this feature with a relatively simple item – the Burger King hot dog. At the time, I noted that it wasn’t really all that different than a gas station hot dog, except that it cost almost double, since gas station hot dogs are typically $2.50 or $3 for a pair.

Some people reacted in surprise, because they were unaware that those hot dogs were actually edible. I think I first became curious about how they tasted because I wasn’t ever allowed to get one as a kid, and because they seem like they would be the most disgusting food item of all-time. I also have a habit of liking to grab a snack while at the gas station, with a past obsession being peach rings.

Steak and cheese taquito.

Let me reassure you with today’s entry – They absolutely are edible, or at least as edible as any hot dog, even the weird varieties. Although, it’s most likely that this is the case because the hot dog is the cockroach of the meat world, or the Twinkie, if you will, given that they have similar shapes. After the nuclear holocaust of Fallout becomes reality, the only edible meat will be hot dogs.

Anyway! I mostly eat like a grown-up nowadays, except for this feature. But on the rare days I’m feeling peckish and don’t want a fast food burger, the gas station hot dog is my second or third choice, after a sandwich from various places. Cumberland Farms is usually my vendor, and it’s where these wieners come from, but 7-Eleven has OK dogs as well.

For the purposes of this entry, I picked two kind of weird hot dogs – the cheese-infused dog, and a steak-and-cheese taquito thing. The latter, you might notice, is not actually a hot dog, but it is on those heating rollers, so I definitely think it still counts. The taquito is kind of mushy, but it did taste of steak and cheese. I wouldn’t get it again, but it was fine for the price. At Cumby’s, that was two for $2. (Note: I used a bun for it, because it looked super greasy.)

Disappointing cheese dog.

The cheese dog was slightly disappointing. The cheese wasn’t all that good, and such small portions! (As the classic saying goes.) Again, it was still plenty good enough to eat, but I’d just opt for the normal hot dogs next time.

The normal dogs are your best option when it comes to the gas station meat – don’t get ensnared by the bells and whistles of the “special” flavors. This is a bit of a golden age for gas station food in general though, as both Cumberland Farms and 7-Eleven are seemingly in an arms race when it comes to offering pairings of hot dogs, pizza and soda for less and less money. Again, pretty much all of it is edible, and at least comparable to the more hyped bargain fast food (Subway’s “sandwiches,” Wendy’s and McDonald’s not-actually-a-dollar menu).

If you have a request for a future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check out some of the past Steveats, go here!