I wish it was Christmas todayyy... Oh wait!

This is probably one of my most favorite Saturday Night Live sketches, just because of its simplicity. Watch carefully, and you'll notice that the only thing Tracy Morgan does is dance back and forth a bit, and Chris Katan only holds the keyboards and rocks his head back and forth. Neither one is really needed for the bit, but their presence adds some surrealism to the proceedings.

... Oh yeah, blogging. Anyway, the football picks are set to post later tonight, but as a warning, I'm changing up the formatting a bit for this week and future weeks, hopefully creating a shorter, tighter post. And, at long last, I have updated the standings.

Now, to take us out, my favorite Saturday Night Live clip ever. Sweet sassy molassy! Hey, try not to shoot that puck up my pooper! Jumanji!

Happy Heroic Hockey Happiness!

The view from the balcony.

This weekend, I experienced by first Boston Bruins game in person, and I must say that it was an awesome experience at that. They got a small measure of revenge against the team that eliminated them from the Stanley Cup playoffs last year, the Carolina Hurricanes, as they brutalized them on the scoreboard and in the fisticuffs, 7-2.

I consider myself somewhat odd in that I love watching blowouts by teams that I follow far more than watching a close game. I was thrilled when the Celtics blew out the Lakers to win the championship in 2008, and when the Red Sox mashed the snot out of the ball in their game seven win against the Yankees in 2004. I could careless that the games lacked drama, because the margins of victory meant that I could relax and enjoy the games.

Similarly, the Bruins jumped ahead of Carolina by three goals after the first period, and added a couple more in the second before the Hurricanes could score. Carolina failed in all aspects of Saturday night's game - They couldn't clear the puck when the Bruins were on the attack, their own scoring chances were sloppy executed, and a porous defense forced them to switch Ward out after he gave up four goals in a period and a half.

The best part though was the fisticuffs. At the end of the second period, Milan Lučić beat the crap out of Jay Harrison. Sure, he got in a couple cheap shots to bust Harrison wide open, but that'll teach Harrison right good! After that fight, Zdeno Chára also mixed it up with someone, and the Bruins got a total of 19 minutes in fighting penalties, which was awesome.

To make the night even better, I was there with my friend Amanda Meyer. Thanks to her Twitter account, she won a free ride on the Zamboni! I was secretly a bit envious, but this is something for me to shoot for the next time I go to a Bruins' game. She also got her face on the big screen, but of course, I couldn't get my cell phone camera out fast enough to snap the shot.

Picture taken by me, with my cell phone camera, which is shockingly good, at least by my standards.

Storytime with Amanda Meyer: Psyched for the Bruins

Maybe it’s all that French-Canadian blood I have, or maybe I just enjoy watching hot guys on skates throwing punches. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I can say with certainty that I am one hundred percent head-over-heels in love with the Boston Bruins.

Today is the final day of preseason hockey for the Bs, and going into their match-up with the Columbus Blue Jackets, they are 4-1-1. For those of you who are unfamiliar with hockey, that’s four wins, one loss in regulation, and a loss in an overtime shootout. Some notable changes to this season’s lineup are the addition of goalies Tuukka Rask and Dany Sabourin and the loss of right wing Phil Kessel. These are the more significant roster changes for the 2009-10 season and therefore worth discussing.

With last season's backup goalie Manny Fernandez not on the roster and Tim Thomas looking sloppy in practice, these 35 year olds who together won the William M. Jennings trophy last season were bound to be replaced. The solution? Tuukka Rask of Finland at the ripe age of 22, drafted in 2005 by the Toronto Maple Leafs who has been playing for the Providence Bruins since 2007. Rask has won both preseason games he has played in and is looking really sharp on the ice.

Rask’s partner in crime is Dany Sabourin of Québec, a seasoned 29-year-old who signed with the team as a free agent over the summer. He got a win in Toronto but received a loss during the shootout in Columbus this past week. The team’s loss in regulation was against the Montreal Canadiens for Thomas though he made up for it by winning in overtime against them in their second match-up.

This brings me to some heartbreaking news, the loss of Phil Kessel to the Leafs. Signed to the team in 2006, Kessel was the fifth overall pick in the draft for the rookie maximum salary of $850,000 a year for three years. Just a few months later, Kessel was diagnosed with testicular cancer, which was treated quickly, and less than a month later he was playing down in Providence. Four days later he was back in Boston, missing only 11 regular season games.

Impressed? It gets better!

He was clutch in shootouts, winning game after game for the team in overtime. He scored the first goal of last season, got his first two NHL hat tricks, and managed to get the highest record number of NHL regular season goals (36). So you can see why I was sad to lose this wonderful asset to the team, and did I mention that he’s also gorgeous? Because he is.

But of course, pesky salary caps were making it nearly impossible for him to actually stay here in Boston, so every one should tune in on December 5 to see his first game against the Bs. (Better yet, buy tickets, it’s in Boston!) As a side note, the Bruins took Toronto’s first and second round draft picks for next season and their first round pick for the following season.

So, hopefully this catches everyone up to speed for the season. Some other minor notes to make for those of you who didn’t previously love hockey:

- Milan Lučić has shown that he hasn’t lost his edge... or his temper, getting a 10 minute ejection in a preseason game and already racking up penalty minutes for fighting. Useless fact: I used to have a huge crush on him until I found out he is six months younger than me. I can’t go for younger men.

- Team Captain Zdeno Chára hasn’t seen much play time yet, but what he has shown is that he has a great chance of winning his fourth consecutive “hardest shot” contest during this year’s all star break.

- New addition Steve Begin and veteran Dennis Wideman are showing excellent shooting skills and even better skating skills, which is good considering Wideman got sloppy in last year’s playoffs.

- Alternate captains Patrice Bergeron and Marco Sturm have had a strong presence in the preseason and their efforts of assisting the newbies and bringing the team together off-ice have really come through on-ice as well.

So there it is: the 2009-2010 Bruins in 752 words. I hope everyone is now just as excited for the regular season to begin when the Bruins open at home against the Washington Capitals on October 1. The game is at 7 p.m. and will air on Versus.

The Philosophy of the Flying V

Uh oh, look at all these wacky kids! You know craziness will ensue!

Sometimes I forget that other people on the Internet, you know, write stuff. But by chance, I stumbled upon this blog the other day, which is really quite grand, and specifically, this post, about the top 10 selfish sports teams of the 1990s. The relevant overlap to this post I'm crafting right now would be the following paragraph about D2: The Mighty Ducks:

Question: How does a team that barely makes it to the post season in their crappy neighborhood hockey league get selected to represent our nation in the Junior Olympic Goodwill games? Coach Gordon Bombay that's how. I understand hiring Bombay as your coach. The man is an innovator, I mean the flying V? Come on, that's just good hockey. But why choose the whole Mighty Ducks team for Team USA? You're going to tell me that Goldberg was the best goalie our country had to offer?

I concur with bricksexplode (or Josh, his actual name). (And also, creepily enough, he and I have practically the same take and story about Wake Up Ron Burgandy.) Even as a 10-year-old kid, the second Mighty Ducks movie was so implausible to me that it ruined all of the good feelings created in the first one. The series morphed from a plausible story of a team of misfits to a ridiculous farce of a movie with no basis in reality. The final installment is actually somewhat realistic, but I am apparently the only person in the world who enjoys watching it.

The first movie, while no cinematic masterpiece, was a great movie of its type. Just about any kid can relate to being a sort of outcast portrayed in the movie, especially a geeky young kid like myself. Even though I never had (and still haven't) ice skated, there are obvious parallels between other sports and other movies - Little League (The Bad News Bears), Pop Warner football (Little Giants, even though it came out later), basketball (... um, I'm sure there is one I'm forgetting).

It also had a memorable cast of characters with easily-identifiable counterparts in my everyday life. While they weren't exact matches with my friends, there were shared traits: the brash-talking Jessie, the smart-alecky Averman, the fat kid no one actually wanted to hang out with (Goldberg), and the big tough guy Fulton.

D1 is the classic underdog tale, on ice, and you feel great when they win the championship. The story is as predictible as a Subway sandwich - what else would you expect from Disney, or from a $5 footlong? - but ultimately somewhat believable and satisfying.

The second is just pure "let's make a buck!" fuckery that made me eventually dislike all these movies from Disney. As bricksexplode brings up, the most ludicrous idea is that a team that barely made the playoffs in a Minnesota youth hockey league would represent the United States. I grew up in the woods of Rhode Island, and even our Little League all-star team that would try to qualify for the Little League World Series would be a combination of the best players from all the league's teams. (Speaking to my athletic prowess as a kid, I never came close to making one.)

Deciding to just reunite the whole team is so transparent and shitty, and the opening scenes are some of the worst of the movie. Looking back at it as a 25-year-old, there are a couple plausible ways you could do it. First, instead of setting the movie in Los Angeles, why not have these games come to Minnesota? Then it is more plausible that you'd have to use the Ducks. Or, failing that, at least have some flashback scenes with the Ducks winning a couple regional tournaments and earning their way to L.A. Or, because the kids all live in the same area, and are roughly the same age, why not just have the sequel take place (brace yourself) a year later? Because I had played Little League, D2 immediately seemed fake to me, because even as a kid I realized that shit with L.A. would never happen.

Okay though, looking past that - What the fuck did Iceland ever do to you, Disney? Like, seriously, it is bad enough that they have a horrible, false country name (according to weather.com, Iceland is roughly the same weather-wise as New England right now). Hey Mouse, why do you have to shit all over them by making them the obviously-Soviet Union inspired enemy? Either make up a fake country or leave the Icelanders alone.

Anyway, the Ducks recruit some players from other parts of the country for no good reason. I mean, non-movie, they're to include some non-white people in the cast, but in-movie, Gordon Bombay hates them and barely plays any of them. I don't think most return for the third movie, which is great, except for the Goon, who is clearly not even close to being the right age for D2 and D3. The Ducks also recruit a young, trash-talking Kenan Thompson in his film debut, and he is kind of OK despite using a preposterous shot. Also, really, he's playing street hockey out in L.A.? Not basketball? Not skateboarding? Not surfing? L.A. does have that intense hockey tradition, after all.

The whole movie is effing absurd, and if you like D2 the most out of the three, I don't know what's wrong with you. Pull yourself together! Oddly enough, I think it was too much overt zaniness even for Disney, because they went the opposite direction for D3. I actually like that movie because it is super serious and (shockingly) focuses on hockey from time to time. It is plausible (at least in terms of the movie world) that a private school would recruit the Ducks, because the dominant Rhode Island private schools mostly cherry pick their athletes from Rhode Island public schools. D3 also has some redeeming value with the introduction of their new coach. He lacks the charm of Gordon Bombay, but he is an interesting character at least.