Steveats: The Dunkin’ Donuts Pop-Tarts grand experiment

Karen's hands aren't enormous. This is just a super zoom.

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

For years now, the Kellogg company has been taking audacious risks with its toastable breakfast treats, Pop-Tarts. Walk down the grocery aisle, and you can find the classic flavors like strawberry, chocolate fudge and brown sugar cinnamon, mingling with abominations like Orange Crush and Mug Root Beer flavors. Disgusting.

So, I was on the fence when I learned that there were Dunkin’ Donuts Pop-Tarts, available in vanilla latte and chocolate mocha varieties. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find any of the latter, but the former were still available for ordering on Walmart.com. (My other high quality purchase to qualify for free shipping? Why, a Sunbeam bread maker replacement part.)

Because the only ordering option was a family pack of 16, Karen and her friend Jordyn got recruited into some taste-testing this week. Plus, they both have way more experience with Pop-Tarts than I do. Karen’s remarks on the ole Dunkin’ Donuts vanilla latte Pop-Tart are similar to what mine would be:

“Can’t you just remember what you talked about when we ate them?”

“No.”

“Okay, well, this is just me and you having a conversation. We each tried one cold and one hot, and the hot were better. We were disappointed they didn’t have more filling, but I didn’t know if that was for this particular Pop-tart or if the Pop-Tart company has cutback in general. For all I know the strawberry ones don’t have much filling either. And then, I also said that they reminded me, it was like eating a Cumby’s cappuccino. They were pretty good. I would continue eating them if they were available, but I wouldn’t buy them again. Brown sugar cinnamon still wins the Pop-Tart race. That’s all I have to say about it.”

Reached for comment at a later point, Jordyn said, “I thought they were great! I'm probably not the toughest critic in the world but I'd eat the heck out of them if they were a little healthier, haha. I mean, true, they're not jumping up to the top of the Pop-Tart list because it's actually impossible to beat brown sugar and hot fudge sundae. But still delicious? Yes.”

So, there you have it. These Pop-Tarts are pretty tasty, according to three different people, two of which go to Brown University. They’re Ivy League-approved. But they need more filling, and they aren’t the best Pop-Tarts you can purchase. Stock up on those brown cinnamon sugar ones instead. (Which, admittedly, I haven’t tried yet.)

Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other project! If you have a request for a future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check out some of the past Steveats, go here!

Steveats: Delicious Dunkin’ Candy Cane (and vanilla cream!) donuts

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

After experiencing the horror of the Subway “Reuben” sandwich last week, my body needed to recover. It needed something bad for me in a different way – something sugary and filling, while still being questionable.

The remedy was the Dunkin’ Donuts candy cane donut. It’s not exactly the most radical confectionary concept. They took a Dunkin’ Donut, spread some frosting on the top, and then sprinkled candy cane bits on the top and injected that bastard with enough vanilla frosting to turn anyone diabetic.

But man, sometimes the simplest ideas are the best! At my local Dunkin’ Donuts shops, they’ve also brought back the normal vanilla cream donut, except this time it’s in a shell with chocolate frosting instead of with powdered sugar. This is a total gamechanger, as now you don’t feel like an addict with a white dusting of an illicit substance all over your fingers. They also don’t spell it “vanilla kreme” anymore, probably after a strong cease-and-desist letter from another donut chain.

So, anyway. If you ate a Reuben from Subway last week, despite my best efforts to dissuade you, the remedy is a donut. Merry god damn Christmas!

Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other project! If you have a request for a future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check out some of the past Steveats, go here!

Steveats: Burger King Whopperrito (ugh)

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

It was only two months ago that I was embracing Burger King’s experimentation. They struggled with some disgusting or lackluster items, like hot dogs, the Angriest Whopper and the Philly cheeseburger, before finally striking some orange gold with the Cheetos bites – the perfect sort of fast food junk I would want at 2 a.m. Between that, and the continued, serviceable hot dogs on their menu, I thought they might settle down for a bit.

NOPE. Hence we have the new Burger King Whopperrito, which is exactly as successful as you’d imagine a burrito by Burger King to be. It’s basically a chopped-up Whopper in a crappy, microwaved burrito wrap. (As they were preparing my order, I literally heard them say, “It’s almost ready, I just need to nuke the burrito.”)

There is a queso sauce on it that’s somewhat tasty, but way too much lettuce, and as you can see from the burrito I got, there wasn’t much burrito prep training going on at BK to prepare. The “flour tortilla” was basically like eating a warmed-over cloth napkin. It was easily the blandest tortilla I’ve had in my life, even more so than the generic cheapo ones you can buy from the store.

A better idea for Burger King instead of screwing around with a burrito? Just offer a Mexican or Texas or Zesty Whopper! Spicy queso, diced pickles, and zesty seasoning of some sort. Or heck, just bring back the avocado burger, which should have never left the menu.

As is, the Whopperrito is edible, if you like the Whopper. However, I’d rank it near the bottom of available burritos from fast food places. It’s about $3.50, which is triple the cost of better items at, of all places, Taco Bell. Even the Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast burrito was quite a bit tastier than BK’s offering, and pretty much all of the fast casual places like Chipotle, Moe’s and Caliente blow this burrito away.

Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other project! If you have a request for a future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check out some of the past Steveats, go here!