Pickin' Pigskin: Week 9 (and the Moss-Childress Split)

Matt: So, that was a short Randy Moss return. I'm not sure what exactly is going on with the Vikings, but I really hope someone is writing a book about this season. It's shambolic. Childress had lost the dressing room before Moss, but at this point, I wonder why even bother holding on to him to finish out the season. I'd have more confidence in Leslie Frazier.

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Bob: My real question, Matt, would be why Childress was ever around in the first place. It's not like he had done a stellar job (last season wasn't exactly attributed to him--in a season where the Vikings went 12-4 and had an argument as one of the best teams in the league, Childress got one vote for Coach of the Year) and he was already fairly notorious for bad clock management--a key skill for NFL coaches. In a world where Jon Gruden, Brian Billick, and Bill Cowher are on TV, it's inexcusable to keep Childress (or Wade Phillips) as a coach.

In other news, I'm not sure how the reports of Randy Moss lighting into the Vikings' caterers makes me feel. I have always been very sensitive to how people treat service staff, particularly because my mother was once a waitress and I cut my teenage chops at a Blockbuster Video. I think it's a real measure of someone's character when you see how they treat some poor bastard who is earning minimum wage to deliver you food or other services. A lot of people really take the opportunity of having someone serving them to be a bully, and I think that proves what jerkoffs some people really are. Randal Graves was right when he said "this job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers."

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Steve: I totally agree with you, Bob. How people treat minimum wage workers is typically a pretty good judge of character. Then again, like you, I might be biased because I worked at Dunkin' Donuts for two years. As a wise man would say, go spit Randy Moss.

Matt, I think they keep Childress out to play the string just so they don't have to deal with even more chaos by getting some new, lame duck coach in for the rest of the season. Anyone good - Parcells, Cowher, Dungy - isn't going to want to take on that quagmire (giggity giggity) in the middle of the season. Anyway, on to the standings:

Bob: 56-56 (6-7)
Steve: 54-58 (5-8)
Matt: 53-59 (6-7)
Kristin: 52-60 (6-7)

	Steve	Bob	Kristin	Matt
NYJ (-4) at DET	NYJ	NYJ	DET	NYJ
SD (-3) at HOU	SD	SD	HOU	SD
TB (+8.5) at ATL	ATL	TB	ATL	TB
NO (-6.5) at CAR	NO	NO	CAR	NO
CHI at BUF (-3)	CHI	BUF	BUF	CHI
ARI at MIN (-8)	MIN	MIN	MIN	ARI
NE at CLE (+4.5)	NE	CLE	NE	NE
MIA (+5.5) at BAL	MIA	MIA	MIA	BAL
NYG (-7) at SEA	NYG	NYG	NYG	NYG
IND (+3) at PHI	PHI	IND	IND	IND
KC at OAK (-1)	KC	OAK	OAK	KC
DAL at GB (-7.5)	GB	GB	GB	GB
PIT (-5) at CIN	PIT	PIT	PIT	PIT

Pickin' Pigskin: Week 8 (and rallying for sanity in D.C. and Tulsa)

Bob: Well, it's that time of the week again. Sorry we're sending the picks in late--we just got back from the Rally to Restore Sanity. Let me just say this: I haven't seen DC this crowded since the inauguration. Since this was a fake rally for no real issues, I don't really know how that makes me feel. Except to say that I'm pissed that I couldn't get on the Metro. We tried to get on at about 12:45 p.m., and we were told by people on the absolutely full train that they had all gotten on at the FIRST STOP on the Metro. So we took a cab.

The rally had lots of good signs and stuff, but we couldn't hear a thing from Stewart/Colbert. They clearly weren't ready for a crowd that size (and neither was the National Park Service, which had fenced off portions of the Mall that the crowd ended up knocking down. The amazing part was when we decided to split, and downtown D.C. was basically shut down because the crowd had overflowed. There were a bunch of people dancing on some kind of dragon float. We ended up having to walk about 15 blocks to find a place to eat (where we proceeded to wait about an hour to eat, because they weren't ready for a crowd at 3 p.m.).

On the way back, I smartly looked into the Metro station before we went through the turnstiles, and saw the platform was packed. So we walked from downtown D.C. back to our condo, which in itself was a trek because we had to go through Georgetown, which is the place to be on Halloween. Even as we walked across the bridge out of D.C. at 6 p.m., traffic was snarled getting out of the city. So today will be known as the day that Jon Stewart broke D.C. (with help from people going out for Halloween).

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Kristin: Hey,

I'm sleepy after our big day on the mall. If you're interested I'm gonna post some pics on Facebook. So this is all you get this week.

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Matt: I'd like just to take this moment to plug Tulsa's win over once-mighty Notre Dame (last mighty in the 1980s). Though our coach inanely and repeatedly called it the biggest win in the program's history, this isn't the case. Not to say that it isn't a big win, and I don't love that we beat the so-called elite.

But I don't think it's a bigger win than, say, beating Oklahoma on the road in 1996. Or of any of our bowl wins when they meant things, like beating Georgia Tech in the Orange Bowl in 1945. I mean we were the first school to be in five consecutive New Year's Day bowl games. We've won conference championships. We hold the record for largest margin of victory in a bowl game in history from 2008. It's degrading to the program's history to call a win over an exceedingly mediocre Notre Dame squad the biggest win in the program's history.

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Steve: As y'all can probably tell from my posting time on this, I'm exhausted, and this whole "launching a site" thing is pretty time consuming. I promise to not mail it in next week. And, I'm secretly very envious of you, Bob and Kristin, for attending the rally. And I'm sure all three of us are envious of Matt, since we all went to the University of Rhode Island, which hasn't had a good football team in years.

Anyway, everyone went 8-6 last week. This week's picks:

	Steve	Bob	Kristin	Matt
DEN (+2) at SF	SF	DEN	DEN	DEN
JAC at DAL (-6.5)	DAL	DAL	JAX	JAX
MIA (+1.5) at CIN	MIA	MIA	MIA	MIA
BUF at KC (-7)	KC	KC	KC	BUF
WAS at DET (-2.5)	WAS	DET	WAS	WAS
CAR at STL (-3)	CAR	STL	STL	STL
GB at NYJ (-6)	NYJ	NYJ	GB	NYJ
TEN at SD (-3.5)	TEN	SD	TEN	TEN
MIN (+5.5) at NE	NE	MIN	NE	MIN
TB at ARI (-3)	TB	ARI	ARI	TB
SEA at OAK (-2.5)	SEA	OAK	SEA	OAK
PIT (+1) at NO	PIT	PIT	PIT	PIT
HOU at IND (-5.5)	IND	IND	IND	HOU

Pickin' Pigskin - Week 7 (and Bob is blind, like Justice)

Steve: First, as always, the standings.

Bob: 42-43 (7-6)
Steve: 41-44 (8-5)
Matt: 39-46 (5-8)
Kristin: 38-47 (8-5)

Well, well, well, Mr. Hanson. Looks like you have someone nipping on your heels! Which one of us will get to .500 first, punk? Just in case you were wondering, here is my answer - ME. Now go wash my car, you flunkie! I'm going to treat you like George McFly treats Biff in Back To The Future, after Marty makes everything "right" again.

Speaking of that movie, Cracked brings up a great point and a gaping plot hole in that movie - Marty's parents don't realize that their kid looks EXACTLY like his mom's old flame? That stretches believability. I mean, as much as that can stretch the imagination in a movie that is all about time travel. Likewise, nobody noticed that he was dropping names like Clint Eastwood and Calvin Klein.

However, the movie is still effing awesome. Every time it comes on television, I watch, and the same thing goes with the sequel, and the beginning and end of the third installment. The third is definitely the weakest though, as large portions of the Old West are just uninteresting. Basically, you should watch up until the point Marty goes into the past, then watch again when he has the duel (and the awesome callback to a Clint Eastwood movie!), and then the ending. Everything else kind of stinks, especially Doc's wet blanket girlfriend.

But oh yeah, football. Uh... I got nothing. Sorry.

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Matt: I need to figure out why I'm doing so badly at this when I'm winning my Yahoo picks league. I apparently really really suck at the spread. Which is probably just how Vegas wants me to be. Regardless, I'm trying to pay more attention to the spread this week and factor that in, so I'll either do much better or much worse. We'll find out next week. This is why I mainly only pick soccer matches on CentSports.

Also, because I want Steve to find a picture... Steve, if you are concerned by Mad Men spoilers, you can just Google to find any old picture of Jessica Paré. MAD MEN SPOILERS UPCOMING!

Can anyone really doubt why he picked Megan? I mean, really. The outrage over this has been sort of absurd, and very Twilight-esque (as evidenced by the Team Faye hashtag on Twitter). Also, Megan is really really hot. END MAD MEN SPOILERS!

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Matt: Sorry to send a follow up e-mail, but I have horrible news that needs to be addressed. I am outraged at the potential union of Maria Sharapova to Sasha Vujacic. SASHA VUJACIC. A crappy player and a not particularly attractive man! What gives! Really, Maria Sharapova can do far better. This upsets me more than when Adriana Lima eloped with Marko Jaric, who also sucks at basketball. At least Jaric played for the Timberwolves for a while, so there was the possibility that Adriana Lima could be courtside at the Target Center.

Also, my lord, I wish I were an Eastern European basketball player.

That is all.

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So many things to reply to, so little time. In order of appearance:

I think the plot hole you identified in Back to the Future is a bit late gaping than you think. I'm not sure how well I would remember what my two-week fling from high school would look like 20 years later. I hardly remember what you look like, and it has only been a year or two since I have seen you in person. I might have an exceptionally bad visual memory (Kristin will attest to this, and I think I have previously mentioned my inability to distinguish Julia Stiles and Kirsten Dunst), but I'm not sure I would wake up one day, look at my 16-year-old kid, and say "AHA YOU WENT BACK IN TIME AND KISSED ON ME!"

As for the difficulty of picking against the spread, I bet you regret your decision to enter this contest now, Matt. Who the fuck do you think you're fucking with? This is the spread, it runs shit around here. You just visit here. Yeah, that's right, you better walk away. Go on and walk away... because I'm going to burn this motherfucker down. King Kong ain't got shit on me.

RIP millions of young boys' fantasy about Maria Sharapova. Actually, scratch that. It's not cheating if it's in a teenage boy's fantasy. That's like the area code rule, right?

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Kristin: I will attest that Bob is exceedingly bad at identifying people and
distinguishing between them. There were two girls in our high school class that had him convinced for a long time that they were one person. In reality, they were two girls that dressed similarly, didn't say much, and both had brown hair. Otherwise, they looked nothing alike.

Speaking of recognizing people, Bob and I are always trying to identify familiar looking actors on the TV shows we watch. Some recent good catches of mine include:

1) Identifying Dana Davis from the brief TV show version of 10 Things I Hate About You as a guest star on Grey's Anatomy. This was particularly creepy to me because she went from playing a sophomore in high school to playing an engaged 27-year-old in only a few months. In reality, she just turned 26, so happy birthday Danna Davis! May you continue to play a high school student into your 30s.

2) Identifying Keiko Agena, who played Lane Kim on Gilmore Girls, as the Neonatal Specialist and potential addition to the team on last week's House. She also recently celebrated a birthday. Happy 37th birthday to Keiko Agena - who started playing 15 year old
Lane Kim at the age of 26. Yikes!

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Steve: Bob, Julia Stiles and Dunst look almost nothing alike, especially now! Just remember, if it's something good, it's probably Stiles (10 Things I Hate About You, the Bourne movies). But anyway, the picks chart:

	Steve	Bob	Kristin	Matt
CLE (+13) at NO	NO	CLE	CLE	NO
JAX at KC (-9.5)	KC	KC	JAX	KC
PHI (+3) at TEN	TEN	PHI	PHI	PHI
BUF at BAL (-13)	BAL	BAL	BAL	BUF
CIN at ATL (-3.5)	ATL	ATL	ATL	ATL
WAS (+3) at CHI	WAS	WAS	WAS	CHI
PIT (-3) at MIA	PIT	PIT	MIA	PIT
STL at TB (-3)	TB	TB	STL	STL
SF at CAR (+3)	SF	SF	SF	CAR
ARI at SEA (-6.5)	SEA	SEA	SEA	ARI
OAK (+8.5) at DEN	DEN	DEN	DEN	OAK
NE at SD (-3)	NE	NE	NE	NE
MIN (+2.5) at GB	GB	GB	MIN	MIN
NYG (+3) at DAL	NYG	NYG	NYG	NYG

The picture of Lea Thompson is from this site.

Pickin' Pigskin: Week 6 (may or may not be about Jenn Sterger)

Matt: I'm heading out of town, so I figured I'd better get my picks sent off. Basically, I want to give up on our season, but I just can't quite bring myself to yet. Soon.

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Steve: Dear Matt,

First off, how about you change the subject line on your e-mail picks? Week five was last week! What do you think this is, amateur hour? Listen, I can banish you back to the minor leagues of game picking if you aren't careful! I'll cut you, fool.

And second, I'd give the Vikings a bit more time to gel into a cohesive unit with Moss. By the way, I used "unit" in my preceding paragraph. You get it? It's a Brett Favre joke! Because it refers to slang for PENIS. (Also, this whole paragraph now gives me justification for including a photo of Jenn Sterger.)

Speaking of Jenn, did you know she once had implants? Actually, I'm assuming she got them out since she did blog about how she wanted them removed. This disappoints me a bit - I don't mind implants. At least, I don't think I do - I don't think I've ever been with someone who has them. But implants in and of themselves aren't evil. I wouldn't rule out dating someone just because they had implants. (Now if they smoked and weren't trying hard to quit? No way.)

I hope that paragraph causes an awkward exchange and distraction in the Hanson household that will allow me to vault ahead of Bob in the standings. In a switch from last week, overall records are presented, with the past week's schedule in parentheses:

Bob: 35-37 (6-7)
Matt: 34-38 (7-6)
Steve: 33-39 (7-6)
Kristin: 30-42 (5-8)

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Bob: Dear Steve,

You should know you could never distract me with a picture of Jenn Sterger. I've always said there are two types of people I couldn't date - Republicans and Yankees fans. It is well-known that there is a correlation between being a Yankees fan and a Jets fan. According to the Transitive Property of New York Douche-ery, then, I have no interest in Jenn Sterger. It's not even a matter of just dating - I don't consider people to be worth my time if they are either of those things. (According to the Transitive Property of Republicanism, that means I also can't date racists. ZING.)

Now, if you want to post a picture of Dichen Lachman, that could be distracting to me. There are rumors that she might be in the new Star Wars television show, and that could be even more distracting. Maybe we can put her in a metal bikini?

As for football... wow, I can't think of a single interesting thing to say about football. I don't care about Brett Favre's penis. Really. I don't. At what point are we going to stop becoming excited about the fact that professional athletes are pigs, just like politicians, businessmen, reality television stars, actors, musicians, and basically any profession someone can be. AOL has a top 10 list of most famous affairs of 2009. At what point does this become old hat? Men cheat, and apparently the best way to do this now is to send somebody a picture of your dick. I'm sorry, allegedly send a picture of your dick.

According to ESPN, I should also care about concussions, minor-to-mid-level important players being injured, and the fact that in the NFL you aren't allowed to tweet too close to kickoff (which is BS). If I was Terrell Owens, I would pay my fine in a jar of pennies.

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Kristin: Dear Favre,

If you want to sleep with women that aren't your hot blond brunette wife and mother of your children, giving them the lasting mental image of your penis appearing only the two inch length of a cell phone screen is probably not the way to go.

Love,
Kristin

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So without further delay, here be some picks:

	Steve	Bob	Kristin	Matt
ATL (+2.5) at PHI	ATL	ATL	PHI	ATL
KC (+4.5) at HOU	KC	KC	HOU	HOU
NO (-4) at TB	NO	NO	NO	NO
MIA at GB (-3)	GB	GB	GB	MIA
SD (-8.5) at STL	SD	SD	STL	SD
BAL (+2.5) at NE	NE	BAL	NE	BAL
DET (+10) at NYG	NYG	DET	DET	NYG
CLE at PIT (-14)	PIT	PIT	CLE	PIT
SEA at CHI (-6)	SEA	CHI	SEA	CHI
NYJ (-3.5) at DEN	NYJ	NYJ	DEN	NYJ
OAK (+7) at SF	SF	OAK	SF	OAK
DAL at MIN (-1.5)	DAL	MIN	DAL	DAL
IND (-3) at WAS	IND	IND	WAS	IND
TEN (-3) at JAX	TEN	TEN	TEN	TEN

Pickin' Pigskin: Week 5 (and Randy Moss and Minnesota and cat talk)

Matt: While I'm immersed in Randy Moss-revival joy, I thought I'd send in my picks early. Minneapolis was abuzz on Wednesday. It was like how DC felt on the day of Strasburg's first start. I get to wear my Moss jersey from 5th grade again. Zygi Wilf is going all in, and there is literally no NFL player that I would be more excited to acquire than Moss. Not saying Andre Johnson isn't a better receiver, but with the history, Moss is a more exciting acquisition.






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Steve: Whew - Another week, another batch of picks. But of course, let me digress...

My relationship with my roommate's cat is much like Quagmire's relationship with his cat on Family Guy. You can view that clip here. Mundane cat activities, like Cleo sleeping on my bed and rubbing against my legs, are fascinating to me. Cats are neat creatures, I must say.

In contrast, I agree with the Penny Arcade guys - Birds Are Weird. Big Bird is okay in my book, and I don't consider ducks to be birds. All of those other birds though? Ick. They're noisy and they shit everywhere. I'm glad that cats eat birds, and hopefully someday Sylvester the Cat will actually get his paws on Tweetie Bird. That big yellow forehead mother effer.

Oh yeah, football. Uh, I have no friggin' clue what's going on with the NFL. I blame my work schedule, which has caused me to worry about tons of things that are not NFL games. Also, I blame birds - Many NFL teams are named after birds, which as we have discussed, are weird. Also, last week's records:

Kristin: 7-7 (25-34)
Bob: 6-8 (29-30)
Matt: 6-8 (27-32)
Steve: 4-10 (26-33)

So, pretty craptastic for all of us, and especially horrible for me ;_;

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Bob: It's a good thing you "own" this blog, Steve, because otherwise I don't think we would be allowed to pick football games anymore. As a matter of fact, we should add a coin flip to see how random picking performs against us. I wish I had some funny input (all the more reason that we could get "fired" from the blog), but we have family in town and it was a dull week.

Except for the Randy Moss trade. God, I am so disappointed. Not to say that I disagree with the trade (in Belichick I trust), but I will miss having that electrifying presence on the field. And to see him go to appease the latest dong text-er is all the more disappointing. I really hope they can beat the Jets this week. I am so sick and tired of them, particularly that cocky ass Rex Ryan.

Without further adieu, my picks (that you clearly should not follow), at the bottom of this entry.

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Kristin: Woohoo! I was the winner last week, and breaking even is super fun! So Matt, thanks for bragging about acquiring Randy Moss, thanks a lot for giving us some time to recover before rubbing it in. Well, I guess Brady won all his rings with no big names to throw to, maybe this is some kind of good karma / sign. Also, I notice that I picked almost entirely underdogs this week, so let’s see how that turns out.

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Matt: Just remember, Randy was mine long before he was yours!

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Steve: To be fair to Matt, I think he’s going to need the comfort of Randy “Straight Cash Homie” Moss now that the Twins have joined the Red Sox on the sidelines of the playoffs. And we pretty much raped the whole state of Minnesota on that whole Kevin Garnett trade. But enough procrastinating! Finally, the picks:

	Steve	Bob	Kristin	Matt
JAX (1.5) at BUF	JAX	JAX	JAX	JAX
NYG at HOU (-3)	NYG	HOU	HOU	NYG
KC (7) at IND	IND	KC	KC	IND
TB at CIN (-6.5)	CIN	CIN	TB	CIN
GB (-2.5) at WAS	GB	GB	WAS	GB
STL at DET (-3)	STL	DET	STL	DET
CHI (3) at CAR	CHI	CHI	CHI	CHI
ATL (-3) at CLE	ATL	ATL	ATL	ATL
DEN at BAL (-7)	BAL	BAL	DEN	DEN
NO (-7) at ARI	NO	NO	NO	NO
TEN at DAL (-7)	DAL	DAL	DAL	TEN
SD (-6.5) at OAK	SD	SD	SD	SD
PHI (3) at SF	PHI	PHI	SF	PHI
MIN at NYJ (-4)	NYJ	NYJ	MIN	MIN

The Baggage Game - Thursday, October 7, 2010

Time for some more of The Baggage Game. You can check out the Excess Baggage here, and the episode itself should be linked at the bottom of this entry.

Today's dater is Annette, a substitute teacher from L.A. Wow, I can't imagine living in that city on what most subs make; maybe she's union or something. She wants a guy who is into music, because she sings a bit on the side. Jerry makes her sing (get your mind out of the gutter), and she does, indeed, have good pipes.

First up is Taylor, a professional track runner from Long Beach... who played two years in the National Football League??? Wow. Next is Spencer, a health consultant from Boston. He's wearing perhaps the worst outfit ever on Baggage - a pink dress shirt, a loose, skinny black tie, and a badly-fitting black vest. Oh, and a sideways blue baseball cap. Egads. Finally, we have Dexter, a massage therapist from St. Louis. Annette makes a funny face when he comes out, because while she is black and pretty, and the other two dudes are black and studly, Dexter looks kind of like Jared from the Subway commercials. This could be an interesting game!

First Round
Taylor: I wear dentures.
Spencer: I collect Happy Meal toys.
Louis: I'm a horrible dancer.

Taylor is missing teeth like a hockey player because of football background. He promises that when Annette is making love with him, "She wouldn't be worried with what's up here." Hi-oh! Despite his horrible outfit, it sounds like Spencer and I could hang out, since I do like toys. However, he adds that he has a 6-year-old son. ick. Meanwhile, Jerry makes Louis dance, and it is really spastic and horrible, but it gets a good rise out of the crowd.

Second Round
Spencer: I have two sugar babies.
Dexter: I believe we come from aliens.
Taylor: My dates must wear socks during sex.

The aliens thing is oddly popular, as some dude last week also believed he came from aliens. That's weird, but not as concerning to me as the sugar babies thing. Seriously? The crowd boos the socks thing, which to me, barely counts as baggage. They're just socks, not tu-tus.

Annette thinks about it for a bit, and sends the aliens dude packing. Although the sugar baby would be more concerning to me, I can see her reasoning. This turns out to be the super-square Dexter, who adds that he thinks Battlestar Galatica is a documentary. On his way out, he fist-bumps and shakes, haha. He's won the crowd over completely. Taylor says the socks are because he's anemic, and thus, he loses his erection if his feet are cold. Well, thanks for that info, Taylor.

Time for the Hot Spot. If Taylor had to pick a Jaime Foxx movie title to describe his love life, it would be booty call. Additionally, he talks to his mother every day, he likes to be kissed everywhere, and he says what Tiger Woods did happens to us all (???). Spencer was the class clown in school, he would stick close to Annette if one of her flirty ex'es was around, Miley Cyrus is the most-played artist on his iPod, and he has a six-time member of the Mile High Club.

Final Elimination Round
Taylor: I cheated on an ex more than 100 times.
Spencer: I'm in therapy for anger management.
Dexter (eliminated): I'm addicted to self-help books.

Holy hell, Taylor! He says one of his ex'es became celibate while he was dating her, and he decided to cheat on her instead of breaking up with her. And while Spencer needs anger management, at least he's trying to get support for his issue, which Annette notes as well.

However, despite this, she sends Spencer home. He promptly says, "I'm going to go into the audience and find sugar baby number three." Classy dude, and I'm sure he's a great dad. Anyway, Annette's baggage is one of these three:

- I dated my last two gynos.
- I branded my cheating ex with a curling iron.
- I won't do it until my man says, "I do." (My guess)

The gyno thing is just weird, and reflects more poorly on the doctors as opposed to Annette. (But seriously, why would you want someone who pokes at your junk to then come home to it?) The curling iron thing seems like a one-time violent act. However, I'm betting her actual baggage is the virginity, since the other dudes on the show are huge players, apparently.

Taylor says he would have the biggest problem if she was waiting until marriage, and I'm a genius, because that is totally her baggage! mwhahaha. However, I think Taylor wants that free meal more than anything else, and he accepts her baggage.

Also, I'm a bit disappointed in myself - I can't find Taylor on the Internets. While he notes on the show that he went to Florida State and spent three years in the NFL, I don't think he finished his college career at FSU, so I can't find him. womp womp womp!

Pickin' Pigskin: Week 4 (and thoughts on television and Maxim)

First things first, the standings from last week. It was a good week to be a man. Overall standings are in parenths.

Bob: 9-7 (23-22)
Steve: 9-7 (22-23)
Matt: 9-7 (21-24)
Kristin: 4-12 (18-27)

And now, the commentary and picks for this week…


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Bob: What a bizarre season this has been. Jay “Diabetes” Cutler is 3-0. The Vikings and Saints look very mortal. The Patriots would be better off putting URI’s defensive squad on the field. The Colts got beat by the Texans, who got beat by the Cowboys, who had previously gotten beaten by the Redskins, who got beat by the Rams. Parity at work.

Really, though, I didn’t come here to talk about football. I came to talk about Warehouse 13, which is strangely one of the better shows on television (and unfortunately, on hiatus right now). I finally caught up with this season on my Tivo. If you are unfamiliar with the show, it is basically about a warehouse much like the one seen at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. It is on the SyFy channel and is clearly done with a low- to medium-range budget.

The show is camp at its best. They do a great job of spoofing a lot of things that are popular in science fiction/fantasy/Internet culture. For example, in a recent episode they characters went to an archaeological site in Egypt. One of the characters (H.G. Wells, who is a hot woman and was frozen for 70ish years) looked on the Internet to find what “modern British archaeologists” wore. Of course, when we saw her dressed she was dressed exactly like Lara Croft.

Another episode focused on the super-volcano under Yellowstone Park, which is a favorite obsession of Internet nerds worried about the end of the world (along with the possibility of a Canary Island Mega Tsunami and black holes from the Large Hadron Collider).

So if you’re looking for something to do now that the Red Sox are officially eliminated from the playoffs, consider catching up on Warehouse 13.

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Kristin: I feel guilty about not writing anything the past few weeks. So, here it goes!

Tennessee is my enemy. No matter what I pick, I always pick their games wrong. Frankly, I hate them, but I’ve heard Denver is weak right now soooo I’m picking them anyway.

Now, I think that I could be just as good a quarterback as Rapey McRaper if I was also enormous and good at not getting squished, so I don’t see any problem with replacing him with random nobody quarterbacks. However, I don’t see how they win four straight without him, so I’m picking this to finally be their loss.

I love Cincinnati like I love trashy television, so go Cinci!

I really enjoy rooting for Detroit, and while they never win, they often come fairly close so I like this spread.

The Saints game was close last week I think, so I’m betting on the spread on this one as well.

San Francisco and Atlanta, who cares?

No way St. Louis wins two in a row.

I’m hoping that Buffalo can pace the Jets like they kept pace with us for three quarters of last week, or win and shove it in QB Hepatitis’s face.

Ugh, Indy I’m so over you.

Alright, now I know that Houston looked like the Boys’ bitch last week, but I love this team. I love how young they are, I love how they beat Indy, and I would love to see a different team making it far in the playoffs.

San Diego, I still have a grudge against due to LT being a bitchy little woman. p.s. I don’t care that he plays for the Jets now. The Chargers can still suck it.

Uggggggh, so I really really really want the Skins to roll into Philly and make them eat the shit they’ve been talking, but I’m not an idiot.

I keep picking against Chicago because I think they suck, especially after being forced to watch some of their blowouts last season. However, against all odds they keep winning so I might as well start picking them. Also, eff the Giants.

I love when the schedule works out this way, playing Miami in Miami early in the season so we can play them at home in the snow. Oh, and the Brady haircut is growing on me, it’s sexy all tousled and sweaty.

Now for the good stuff, since your blog is also about TV, and since the fall shows have started, I figured I would give you a girl update. Vampire Diaries has become my favorite show (yes, I was willing to put that in writing). See, I’m not even embarrassed about it. I spend all day focusing intently, reading heavy material, and trying to keep my patients alive. When I get home, I want something slutty and foolish and requiring no effort, a.k.a. Vampire Diaries.

My other favorite at the moment is House. I love seeing him happy, I love that sly sexy little smile he gets when he’s happy, and I am so nervous for what happens next.

For new shows, I hated My Generation. I hated the narrator’s voice and how transparent the whole setup was. I think this show would have been great if it was a real documentary, they could have followed my high school class or a million others. I feel like this fake-ass story was almost insulting to us.

Another disappointing new show is Top Chef: Just Desserts. While I love Top Chef, I feel like it is more difficult to tell based on looking at the food and listening to how it is described to tell if you would like it or not. Further, watching Just Desserts, I don’t become ridiculously hungry and want to eat every piece of chocolate in the house.

We finally watched an episode of Glee, and while I thought the singing/dancing was phenomenal, the interaction between characters is tiresome- they shouldn’t speak.

Lastly, I regret to admit, Bob has been successful in converting me to a Fringe fan. However, I am mighty pissed off at what they have shown in previews of FAKE Olivia making out with Peter. I hate hate hate this idea that men are so bloody stupid they can’t tell the difference between the woman they love and a fake. It isn’t just Fringe, this is something you see repeatedly. I mean, Swan Lake, hello!? DON’T KISS FAKE OLIVIA, SHE IS EVIL!!!

This is one thing I love about Vampire Diaries, the brother dating the main character was able to tell the difference between her and her identical across time and space evil-vampire twin, whereas his brother could not. In this case, at least one man was smart enough to know who they were kissing. Is it really that hard? Thank god I’m tall and difficult to mistake, otherwise who knows who Bob would accidentally be kissing.

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Matt: If we're going to talk about television guilty pleasures, there's one show that is far superior to all others - Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory on MTV. It's wonderful. Rob does all of the little things, pranks, and time-wasting adventures we liked to do in college when we had free time and few responsibilities.

Except for one thing: He has the money to do them properly. So he's converted a giant warehouse into some office space for his family members, put in a giant skate park and ball pit, complete with basketball hoops 30 feet into the air. Mishaps and hilarity ensue, ranging from getting his receptionist a spread in Maxim to destroying his cousin's car and replacing it with a car with a furry cat covering. Good good stuff. I'd like to think I'd display this creativity in use of several million dollars if I had it.

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Steve: Speaking of Maxim, since Matt brought it up briefly… I somehow ended up with a subscription two years ago. I don’t know how it happened; I blame Electronics Boutique Gamestop. They sometimes ask me some blah blah blah about if I like magazines when I buy something.

I would cancel my subscription, except that I’m not being charged for it. I don’t know how this is happening. However, looking at my credit card bills, I haven’t ever paid money for it. This makes me worry that if I try to cancel it, they’ll notice and then bill me a couple hundred for the two-plus years I’ve gotten for free.

I don’t even like the magazine, by the way. Yes, there are very, VERY attractive women on the cover. However, I have the Internet, so I can literally see attractive women whenever the urge strikes me. I don’t need them delivered to me in the mail, so that my roommate and other attractive women think I’m some pig who reads Maxim. It’s a Catch-22 in my head, between my twin desires to be cheap (and just let them keep delivering) and to be not creepy (and canceling the subscription).

... This whole paragraph does give me an excuse to include a Maxim cover photo though, which isn’t the worst thing in the world. Go me!

The Warehouse 13 picture comes from this awesome recap site. The Vampire Diaries picture is from here. Chanel the receptionist is from this site. And Avril, who I will admit I have a small crush on, is from this site about her German Maxim spread. And finally, the actual picks are below:

	Steve	Bob	Kristin	Matt
DEN at TEN (-6.5)	TEN	DEN	TEN	TEN
BAL at PIT (-2.5)	PIT	PIT	BAL	BAL
CIN (-3) at CLE	CIN	CIN	CIN	CIN
DET at GB (-14)	GB	GB	DET	DET
CAR at NO (-13.5)	NO	NO	CAR	NO
SF at ATL (-7)	ATL	ATL	ATL	ATL
SEA (-1.5) at STL	SEA	STL	SEA	SEA
NYJ (-5.5) at BUF	NYJ	NYJ	NYJ	NYJ
IND (-7) at JAC	IND	IND	IND	IND
HOU (-3) at OAK	HOU	HOU	HOU	HOU
ARI at SD (-8.5)	SD	SD	ARI	ARI
WAS at PHI (-5.5)	PHI	PHI	WAS	PHI
CHI at NYG (-3.5)	CHI	NYG	CHI	NYG
NE (-1) at MIA	NE	MIA	NE	NE

Pickin' Pigskin: Week 3 (and a probing look at Crystal Light)

First things first, the records from last week, with overall in parenths...

Bob: 7-8 (14-15)
Steve: 6-9 (13-16)
Matt: 6-9 (12-17)
Kristin: 5-10 (14-15)

Unsurprisingly, Bob and Kristin are once again vying for the league title, with me slightly behind. Even Kristin's really bad week couldn't knock her down into second (or worse) place. Meanwhile, Matt is bringing up the rear of the standings, proving that experience matters. (Well, at least so far.) On to the picks for this week!

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Steve: Hey folks - Man, how about that NFL? I have no idea what's going on, week-to-week. I feel like this used to be a lot easier to keep track of, and now, I'm suffering from information overload with how much god damn coverage the league gets. I like the good ole days, when I didn't get injury updates every single hour after a game.

So let me instead talk about a better subject: Crystal Light. My roommate drinks it, and because of this, I have now been converted. Did you know it has like 5 calories a glass??? How does that even WORK? It's crazy stuff, man. I drink it constantly now, along with water and diet soda. (I like to stay well-hydrated.)

None of their flavor combinations make any god damn sense though - I'm drinking cranberry apple, and it tastes like neither. The same thing goes with the strawberry banana orange. How the eff do you decide on those three flavors to combine? Hey Crystal Light, how about you just make strawberry banana like every other company on the face of the Earth and call it a day? Thankfully though, their raspberry green tea is airy and delicious.

Oh yeah - I probably picked all favorites this week. I don't trust any of these teams yet, since they've all played so few games. I will say that my only "upset" is probably Falcons over Saints. The Falcons have looked really sharp this year, and also, I need Matt Ryan to get into a shootout Sunday, so I'm not picking against them.

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Matt: Crystal Light is pretty delicious, though I will say that I don't use any of their weird flavor combos. We just simply purchase lemonade and raspberry lemonade individual packets in bulk from Costco, which provides unending servings of quasi-lemonade at a low calorie level.

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Bob: I have nothing to say about your artificially sweetened “beverage,” since I tend to avoid “diet” drinks. Not because I don’t like the taste—I don’t mind it—but instead I’m convinced it is just as bad for you as regular drinks (studies have shown a correlation between diet soda consumption and obesity, and I have anecdotally found that I lose more weight if I don’t drink it).

Although I have found that Crystal Light is a far better beverage for consumption than alcohol before driving at 5 a.m. I wonder if Braylon Edwards can manage to not drink and drive for a certain period, he can get his punishment reduced like Ben Roethlisberger. Good job not (allegedly) date raping any girls for several months! Chop two games off of that man’s suspension!

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Kristin: No commentary. I’m tired.

Well then, without further adieu, the picks:

	Steve	Bob	Kristin	Matt
TEN at NYG (-3)	NYG	TEN	NYG	TEN
BUF at NE (-14.5)	NE	BUF	BUF	NE
CLE at BAL (-10.5)	BAL	BAL	BAL	BAL
PIT (-2.5) at TB	PIT	PIT	TB	PIT
CIN (-3) at CAR	CIN	CIN	CIN	CIN
ATL at NO (-3)	ATL	ATL	NO	NO
SF (-3) at KC	KC	SF	KC	KC
DET at MIN (-11.5)	MIN	DET	DET	MIN
DAL at HOU (-2.5)	DAL	HOU	HOU	DAL
WAS (-4) at STL	WAS	WAS	WAS	WAS
PHL (-3) at JAX	PHI	PHI	JAX	PHI
IND (-5.5) at DEN	IND	IND	IND	IND
SD (-4.5) at SEA	SEA	SD	SD	SD
OAK at ARI (-4.5)	ARI	OAK	ARI	ARI
NYJ at MIA (-2.5)	MIA	MIA	MIA	NYJ
GB (-3) at CHI	GB	CHI	GB	GB

Pickin' Pigskin: Week 2

Because Kristin didn't have any wonderful, funny commentary this week, instead please accept this picture of Katie Aselton. She plays the wife on The League, and she's really... talented. OK, she seriously is, but she's also a former Miss Teen Maine and some other good stuff. Good for her!

It is a bit of a half-assed week for all us, since Bob had to submit his picks really early and I've been busy with work stuff. However, without further adieu...

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Bob: This is a tough week for picks. I'll let you kick off the commentary again, but I wanted to bank these just in case.

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Matt: I should probably get around to doing the picks now. Message for posting as follows. P.S. - I'm too lazy to verify if they're still correct, so I'm just using the lines as Bill Simmons posted them on ESPN. Hopefully they are similar to the ones that we're using:

Usually when people screw up things like NFL picks, they have a ready-made excuse: "I over-thought it." They then go on to explain how they talked themselves out of picks using things like sabermetrics, injury forecasting, game temperatures, home-road splits since 1996, and the amount of third-person references that Deion Sanders made in the pre-game show. I'm here with a quite different excuse: I under-thought it.

I am here to admit that, so this week, when I DO over-think my results and post an equally poor record, I at least have back to back different excuses. There are lots of big lines this week, which I don't really like. But I'm going to just go with it and give the ostensibly good teams a chance to see how good they really are. Most of the big lines are still under a touchdown, which is an entirely plausible margin of victory. Look at me overthinking already!

I also feel more strongly about some teams that looked good in week one than others - partially based on their opponents. I hate the Seahawks objectively still, but they are playing Denver and they did destroy SF last week. Then again, not that many teams did look good last week. Anyway.

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Steve: I did crappy with my fantasy teams last week, and in this picking game, but at least I won the family competition for the week. My uncle runs it, and you just pick winners, without worrying about the spread. Sure, it's much easier as a result, but I have no problems with that. A win is a win, baby!

Actually, despite the fact that I have a job that now requires many more hours, and I'm still blogging daily, I've managed to get involved in co-owning two fantasy teams, owning another one solo, and still doing my family picks while nursing along a near-last place fantasy baseball team. How the heck did I get involved with so many leagues??? I'm not even a big Fantasy Sports guy. sigh. The picks chart for all four of us:

Game	Steve	Bob	Kristin	Matt
KC at CLE (-1)	KC	CLE	KC	KC
BUF at GB (-13)	GB	GB	BUF	GB
BAL (-2) at CIN	BAL	CIN	BAL	CIN
PIT at TEN (-5)	PIT	TEN	TEN	TEN
PHI (-4) at DET	PHI	PHI	DET	PHI
CHI at DAL (-8.5)	CHI	CHI	DAL	DAL
TB at CAR (-2.5)*	CAR	TB	CAR	TB
ARI at ATL (-6.5)	ATL	ARI	ARI	ATL
MIA at MIN (-5.5)	MIA	MIN	MIN	MIN
STL at OAK (-4)	OAK	OAK	STL	OAK
SEA at DEN (-3.5)	SEA	DEN	SEA	SEA
HOU (-3) at WAS	WAS	HOU	WAS	HOU
JAX at SD (-8)	JAX	JAX	SD	JAX
NE (-1.5) at NYJ	NE	NYJ	NE	NE
NYG at IND (-5.5)	NYG	IND	IND	IND
NO (-4.5) at SF	NO	NO	NO	NO