The Baggage Game - Friday, September 24, 2010

Welcome to another installment of The Baggage Game! As usual, the Excess Baggage is here, and the episode is linked at the bottom of this entry.

Today's contestant is Shelly, a buxom blonde fitness trainer from Hollywood, California. She kind of looks like the blonde whore woman from Sex and the City, except actually in shape. I might also be thinking this because her dress is essentially painted on to her body.

First up is Ian, a "legal researcher" from Washington D.C. He looks a bit like Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation. And I don't mean the actor, I mean he looks like Worf. Up next is a real estate financial officer from Santa Monica, California, named Derek. He has on a pink dress shirt. And finally, we have Adam, a songwriter from Ventura, California. He mentions that he is into tantric sex - all class. And also, Shelly is WAY better looking than all of them.

First Round
Ian: I don't believe in tipping. (Jerry says, "You wouldn't want to go back to the same restaurant.")
Derek: I collect my navel lint.
Adam: I used to wear lip gloss, lacy tights and a G-string.

Man Ian, what a dirtbag. Who are you, Mr. Pink from Reservoir Dogs? Derek says belly buttons are like black holes, and thus, they fascinate him. I threw up a bit in my mouth though. Adam sounds like he was in a hair metal band, and he reveals that he was indeed a lead singer in a 1980s hair metal band. (I'm so smart!)

Second Round
Derek: I've had conjugal visits with women in prison. (Jerry says, "Maybe he likes woman in orange." Shelly adds, "Maybe he likes women in handcuffs.")
Ian: I drink seven nights a week.
Adam: I disowned my parents.

Okay - The first two things are equally concerning to me, in a bad way. You're either so trashy, you don't care that you're bangin' women in prison, or your judgment is horrible and you're hooking up with felons. Drinking seven nights a week seems a bit... extreme. At one point in college, I decided to have a beer every night before bed, and even then I felt like a bit of an alcoholic. However, I actually view the parent disowning as a positive thing - No doubt they are nutty and chaotic. Push coming to shove, I'd get rid of the prison dude.

Shelly's dealbreaker turns out to be the same. "Why are you visiting a woman behind bars and not at the bar?" Oh, how clever of you to say! This turns out to be Derek-the-navel-picker anyway, so no great loss. Adam says that his dad re-married a horrible woman, and his mom is "beyond words," hence his no contact. Ian has some convoluted reasoning about his drinking, saying that studies have shown a drink or two at night prevents binge drinking in the long run. (This sounds dubious to me, especially since he's slurring as he's talking.)

On to the Hot Spot! Ian likes bare feet over stilletos and boots, he's most obsessed with his hair, he used to be a floral arranger and the worst injury he has sustained during sex is a crook neck. Adam thinks All The Right Moves describes him on the dance floor, he would build a shrine to Madonna in his living room (if he had to build a shrine), his voice is his best feature, and he wants to hear "more" during sex. (Jerry wants to hear, "This one's free.") Adam then sings a bit, and honestly, his voice is a little pitchy, dawg.

Final Elimination Round
Ian: I have the worst credit score possible.
Adam: I believe I'm the descendant of aliens.
Derek (eliminated): I think I have three illegitimate offspring.

Man, too bad that Derek is gone, huh? Ian's baggage is pretty bad too, and I'm not a fan of Shelly response, "How can he buy me the things I want?" I say FEH to you! Shelly thinks the alien thing is a little weird, and I agree, but at least Adam isn't destitute. Adam just thinks everyone is descendant from aliens, not just him, if that makes it better.

Ian has too much baggage for me, and Shelly as well, and he's sent packing. Her own baggage is one of these three:

- I slipped my ex a sleeping pill on his wedding day.
- I make S&M fetish videos. (My odds on favorite for her actual baggage.)
- I make my man pay my credit card bill.

Oh geez... Well, #3 would definitely be a dealbreaker. I have a new job, but I'm not rich or anything. If Shelly is still doing the fetish videos, then that's a dealbreaker, although I'd at least think about it if it was in her past. And likewise, if the sleeping pill thing was a lonngggg time ago, then it might be game on. But if it was like, last year, meh to her.

Adam says he would have the biggest problem with... Well, he doesn't really expand on his thoughts. But I'm totally right! Shelly does the videos, and said she needs a man who will support and encourage her while she whips and chains dudes. Adam says that's "pretty wild," but it's a fake-out and he rejects her! Zing! And Jerry reminds us at the end, "Love is a journey, so travel light." Wise words to live by, of course.