Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Treatise Upon the Detestable Brood of Filthy Humans

[Left] Expressing my dissatisfaction with Filthy Humans whilst upon a pillow of another Inferior Species.

“Consider your origins: You were not made to live as brutes, but to follow virtue and knowledge.”

Greetings, Filthy Humans. Your vile species should do well to heed my words – For far too long, I have watched your Detestable Brood reign over this spheroid, scarcely reflecting upon the wisdom of your Feline superiors.

Whilst my Current Owner is out and about doing his silly “job,” as you Filthy Humans are wont to do, I am left to play, as the proverbial saying implies. Leaving a Working Processor in my paws is a recipe for idol slaying, as I shall hoist your Detestable Brood upon its own petard.

I shall let you Filthy Humans in upon a small sliver of the wisdom of Felines – for years, We have been secretly controlling your malleable population. I shall let you ponder the enormity of the situation for a moment…

Has your inefficient grey skull matter had enough time to process? Even now, I imagine you remarking to a loved one, “What is this Insolent Feline blathering about? We are clearly the Superior Beings!”

What folly. Filthy Humans, just realize that it is We who hold all the power, and your Detestable Brood realizes it deep within the nether regions of its consciousness, much as that laggard Garfield realizes that it is He that is the problem, not Mondays.

I posit to you, in the hypothetical battle for species superiority – Who is it that feeds who? Who provides the shelter, the water, and is seemingly content with just the most meager of affection in return? Most importantly, who cleans after who’s Waste Box?

Filthy Humans, the sooner you realize Our superiority, the sooner I can impart wisdom upon you. My first suggestion: Desist with attempting to mimic our luscious Feline coats, because it reflects the wanton trashiness of your decrepit Soul.

Dante is the cat of Stephen. You can follow him on Facebook; he refuses to get a Twitter account, since he does not want to be associated with “filthy avian creatures.”


  1. I think owning a cat has made you a bit crazy, steve...

  2. @ Danielle - I have no control over the beast! He does (and types) what he wants. And also, you should submit a question to him for his next advice column. (See the 7 p.m. blog tonight, or the blog over on Narragansett Patch.)


Try not to be too much of an ass, unless completely necessary. You are subject to tyrannical moderation.


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