Recycling My Past: Jayson Blair's last column

I originally wrote this for my college newspaper in January 2007. I always liked it a decent amount, yet it didn't get a ton of hits on the web site, or much of a reaction from my friends. Well, let's give it another shot! A blast from my past...

Editor's Note - After searching through the paper's archives, I was amazed to find a lost freelance article by Jayson Blair. The copy editors at The New York Times must have been asleep at the wheel, because his plagiarism was shocking! I can't believe they didn't catch on to his sick, depraved act earlier. Here is the article, printed in its entirety:

EERIE, Indiana (AP) - Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

But let us not wallow in the valley of despair we live in. I say to you today, my friends, that even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed.

You know, true love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego, and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend and it stops, well it stops right there because what I'm trying to say is that true love is blind.

Not only are we going to New Hampshire, we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're going to California and Texas and New York. And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan! And then we're going to Washington, D.C., to take back the White House! Byaaah!!!

Of course, this reminds me of a cherished memory from my youth. One time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

But I'll let bygones be bygones. For you see, back then it was the best of times, and it was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity. It was the season of light, it was the season of darkness. It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.

After all the jacks are in their boxes, and the clowns have all gone to bed… Well, you can hear happiness staggering on down the street, footsteps dressed in red. And the wind? The wind, whispers, "Mary."

What I'm trying to say is that I like big butts and I can not lie. You other brothers can't deny that when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung! That girl, she's got what I need, but she says I'm just a friend, she says I'm just a friend.

I am not above intolerable cruelty. One time I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Then, another time, early one morning while making the rounds, I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down. I got up next morning and I grabbed that gun, then I took a shot of cocaine and away I run. I made a good run, but I ran too slow, they overtook me down in Juarez, Mexico.

My first article had no famous guest appearances. The outcome? I was crowned the best lyricist. With my many years on this professional level, why would you question who's better? Yo, all I need is one mic. All I need is one mic... That's all I need. All I need is one mic.

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.