The Baggage Game - Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Ah, The Baggage Game! If you don't know what the eff I'm doing here, well, click the label at the bottom of the entry. You'll get the gist. (Although, it's really not that hard from just, you know, reading this. Whatever.) The Excess Baggage is here, and you can find the show linked at the bottom of this entry.

Today's dater is Zack, a dreamy looking mofo from Napa Valley, California. He's also billed as a "software engineer," suggesting he's loaded. You son of a bitch! He wants a sophisticated girl who's also comfortable working on his car with him. Jerry notes, "You're looking for a wine drinking mechanic?" Touche, Jerry.

First up is Chandra, an art curator from Atlanta, Georgia. She is wearing a dress that can be described as influenced by Princess Toadstool - ruffles everywhere! - yet it has the color of a lemon. ick. She seems quite sweet though, so good for her. Next up is Bethany, a restaurant hostess from Louisville, Kentucky. She is really, really pale, and kind of looks like... Well, I can't think of a good celeb comparison. She looks like my friend Emily. Alyson Hannigan with strawberry blonde hair? However, I'm definitely a fan. Finally, we have a novelist from Lima, Peru - Vanessa. I'm meh to her already; she seems snotty. We'll see though.

First Round
Chandra: I've never voted.
Bethany: I spend $150 a week on pot.
Vanessa: I love to eat baby food.

Chandra makes things worse by saying that she doesn't think voting matters because so many people do it. Zack doesn't seem like a huge fan of this. Meanwhile, Bethany immediately falls out of my good graces for the pot thing, even though she explains that it's because she needs it for medical marijuana. I still say feh! Vanessa's baggage is just weird, and she says she likes it because the "tiny containers are the perfect amount for me." Ye gads.

Second Round
Chandra: I don't shave my legs or wear deodorant. (Zack says, "That's nasty.")
Vanessa: I've dated more women than men.
Bethany: I scream, scratch and punch in my sleep.

Okay... The deodorant girl would need to GTFO immediately for me. For that, and the legs thing. The middle girl doesn't even have real baggage. Zack notes, "I don't know if I would be interested enough to lop off my genitalia for her," taking it to a really weird level I wasn't even thinking of. Meanwhile, the last girl just seems like she has night terrors, which I bet could get under control with medication.

However, Zack eliminates the girl who has dated more women then men, which gets a loud, angry "NO!" from a guy in the crowd. hahaha. Vanessa the Baby Food Eater turns out to be the eliminated girl. Womp womp womp. I'm also basically "out" for this game, since Bethany the Pot Smoker and Chandra No-Shave would both be completely unrealistic for me, and I haven't even gotten to their third-level baggage yet.

It's time for the Hot Spot though! If Shandra was a cereal, she would be Cookie Crisps, she prefers shower sex over elevator sex, she's worried about being left at the altar, and she'd like to try sexual roleplaying. If Bethany could make love in any one place, it would be "on the rooftop of a building anywhere but Cleveland" (??? How specific!), she considers herself like a panther, she gave one of her ex's the nickname "grandma's boy," and her go-to move in the bedroom is reverse cowgirl. (Holy hell, they're working blue this show!)

Final Elimination Round
Shandra: I left my fiance at the altar.
Bethany: I stole my co-worker's husband.
Vanessa (eliminated): I spent two years in a psych facility.

Too bad Vanessa is eliminated, Zack could have had a bonkers time with her! *rimshot* Jerry rightly points out that Shandra's biggest baggage matches her biggest fear, which is oddly hypocritical. However, if I was still interested in either one of them, I'd find Bethany's baggage a lot more concerning. Bethany said she was really young and really dumb, and she wouldn't repeat the behavior. Well, that allays my fears a bit, so I probably would go for her over Shandra.

Zack ponders the situation for a bit, but he ultimately decides to send Bethany packing. Shandra lets out a "Yes!" of joy. Bethany notes that she'll be "riding off into the sunset on another cowboy." See, it's funny, because she likes reverse cowboy - You get it? Get it? Anyway, Zack's baggage is one of these three:

- I've spent $63,000 on a dominatrix. (My guess for his baggage.)
- I abandonded my ex while vacationing in Thailand.
- I believe women should be barefoot and pregnant.

Shandra says the $63,000 would bother her the most, whereas for me, it would just make me go, "Meh." Zack seems pretty god damn rich, from his mannerisms and job and where he lives, so I imagine he has $63,000 to blow on dominatrices. Sure, it's a stupid way to spend money, but so are rims and pimp chalices. Instead, I would be freaking out about the ex thing! Unless she was from Thailand, that's simply inexcusable and outrageous behavior. She could get killed! The third thing just falls under gross male chauvinism, and it's tame by Baggage standpoints.

Zack's actual baggage is the chauvinism stuff, which Shandra clearly isn't really into. Considering that she doesn't shave her legs, this isn't exactly surprising. And she doesn't take too much time to reject him. No match tonight - Exceeellllent.