Inexplicable Video Game Review: If Michael Bay Made A Fighting Game…

This is a completely normal aspect of gameplay - A circus performer flipping a DJ that's kind of dressed like a clown.

... It would pretty much be Dead or Alive 5. It’s the latest game in my PS3 via Gamefly, and my goodness, is it odd and sexual without being sexy.

This is a critical distinction to make, that between sexual and sexy, and it’s why I said it was the game of Michael Bay, as opposed to Hugh Heffner or Larry Flynt. To me, most of Bay’s work kind of has a teenage boy feel to it, which is why he mostly casts people like Megan Fox that are super hot on paper, but they usually have far less sex appeal when you see them in action.

Likewise, as you can probably judge from the screenshots of Dead or Alive 5 that I’ve sprinkled in here, the “credentials” of the female fighters are not in doubt. Pretty much all of them are both scantily clad AND have ridiculous proportions, with the possible exception of the two transplant characters from the Virtual Fighter series.

If you’d like an example of the game in action, here is a trailer:

… So yeah, that’s something that’s available on your video game system right this second. (Well, kind of. The trailer is actually from the Ultimate version of the game, which isn't released yet, but it's pretty much the same thing.)

The thing is though, to get back to the Michael Bay comparison, the “sex appeal” is so ridiculous that it’s actually non-existent. When everyone has a jiggling bosom, well, it all just tends to blur together. And while you would think the subject of sex and/or relationships might come up frequently during the game, it’s only ever hinted at once in a 5 to 10-hour story mode, and it happens entirely in slapstick fashion.

Speaking of that story mode – It’s bat shit insane, even by odd Japanese story standards. There is a fighting tournament going on called Dead or Alive, even though it’s not to the death, and it’s seemingly unconnected to these ninjas who are going around in search of ninja clones. But in true Keyser Soze fashion, it really is all connected, except that you probably have to go to Wikipedia to really understand everything, because the story mode leaves out a lot of exposition.

By the way, the game itself is solid, as far as fighters go. But all of the previously mentioned elements make you feel silly playing it, at least if you’re older than 15 or so. (However, if you are a 15-year-old and reading this, then you will probably love this game, and also, Transformers.)

The picture is from Game Fanatics, and viewable on this page.