Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Steveats: Proper (Taco Bell) burritos

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

Taco Bell’s “new” crunchy cheesy core burrito is exactly what I want from a fast food item – disgusting, but kind of delicious, and ultimately incredibly filling.

The substance in the middle is way more Molten Cheese-Like Substance, as opposed to melted cheese, but red strips” on the Taco Bell website, which is not a food product I was familiar with in the past. It’s still satisfying to the junk food portion of my brain. The other ingredients are the traditional Taco Bell beef-like product, and the “crunch” tastes like a mashed-up hard taco. They are ominously called “

Also, you will be happy to learn that there are no vegetables in this burrito, because why the eff would there be vegetables in there? Come on. This isn’t Chipotle. Why you want fancy?

I have the “new” in quotation marks because I’m fairly certain that I’ve had this item from Taco Bell before, despite the advertising suggesting that this is some novelty. However, I’m also almost positive that all items from Taco Bell were actually conceived in their Secret Laboratories 50 years ago, and they just patiently dole out “new” ideas every couple of months, when people have forgotten that they were items actually already out.

Anyway. After a brief flirtation with that vaguely healthy crap and Chef Lorena Garcia, Taco Bell has really embraced what it is. Namely, a place for stoners, the gluttons and the cheap to get an obscene amount of food for $5 or less. (I fall into either the second or third category there, for the record.)

According to the online nutritional facts, the cheesy core burrito is 610 to 630 calories, which seems disgustingly accurate to me. There is a spicy variant that reduces the calories slightly – 540 to 570 – and swaps out the “red strips” for jalapeno peppers. I’m way too much of a wuss to handle jalapenos, but hey, maybe that’s more your thing.

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