Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I
tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note:
Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)
I am
convinced that Burger King executives are now reading my blog and conceiving of
ways to drive me insane. I still feel in control of my emotions and sanity, but
I must confess that similar to how Lewis Black lives his life, that grasp is
currently tenuous. I can’t think of any other reason why they would switch from
Cheetos mac and cheese bites, a perfectly
cromulent product that I’ve
previously covered, to Cheetos chicken fries. The only possible explanation
is that I am to Burger King as Mike Nelson is to Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Please
excuse all of the pop culture references, because I’m just trying to cope.
Anyway. I can’t believe I’m typing this, but the biggest problem with the
Cheetos chicken fries is that there isn’t enough Cheetos. I’m not exactly sure
what they -should- taste like, but what they do taste like is a bland version
of the regular chicken fries. 
Those
regular ones are kind of spicy, but the Cheetos fries don’t really taste like
they’re cheese-coated, like you’d expect. And hey, look at the picture of my
fingers! Since when does a Cheetos product not leave an anti-social grime on
your skin? A Cheetos product should make you feel shame, as Patton Oswalt rightly pointed out years ago.
The Cheetos
chicken fries aren’t outright gross, like some of the other things I’ve eaten
for this feature. It’s not even the worst Burger King food, which definitely
goes to the Whopperrito. (Shockingly, in the 30 minutes that I was eating
my Cheetos chicken fries, I saw FIVE Whopperrito sales, so clearly, a bunch of
poor schlubs out there like it.) The Cheetos chicken fries are just completely unnecessary
and pointless.
 |
| Surprisingly not mustard. |
The server
asked me if I wanted dipping sauces for the fries, so I chose ranch and the
chicken fry dipping sauce, which is apparently a thing. I’ve included a photo
of that as well. It looks like mustard, it doesn’t taste like mustard, and it
made me want mustard instead. It’s like a really mild, sanitized form of
mustard.
By the way,
Burger King, why the eff are you going so hard on the chicken fries in the
first place? Were you annoyed that you missed the boat on nuggets, because you
had those tenders, and you decided to keep the tender thing alive? But hey, you
also have nuggets now – So why do you keep trying with the fries too? Your
nuggets are perfectly OK!
Really, BK,
you now have three menu items that you’ve shelved that you should bring back
before introducing even more pointless shit. First, those Cheetos mac and
cheese bites. Second, your original chicken tenders, which were at least a
little spicy and peppered well. And third, bring back the god damn California Whopper!
It’s a Whopper with avocado on it. Why must you insist with all of this trash
when you have that in your back pocket?!?!
Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then
purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other
project! If you have a request for a
future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check
out some of the past Steveats, go here!
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