Friday, September 16, 2016

Steveats: Burger King’s “Cheetos” chicken fries

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

I am convinced that Burger King executives are now reading my blog and conceiving of ways to drive me insane. I still feel in control of my emotions and sanity, but I must confess that similar to how Lewis Black lives his life, that grasp is currently tenuous. I can’t think of any other reason why they would switch from Cheetos mac and cheese bites, a perfectly cromulent product that I’ve previously covered, to Cheetos chicken fries. The only possible explanation is that I am to Burger King as Mike Nelson is to Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Please excuse all of the pop culture references, because I’m just trying to cope. Anyway. I can’t believe I’m typing this, but the biggest problem with the Cheetos chicken fries is that there isn’t enough Cheetos. I’m not exactly sure what they -should- taste like, but what they do taste like is a bland version of the regular chicken fries.

Those regular ones are kind of spicy, but the Cheetos fries don’t really taste like they’re cheese-coated, like you’d expect. And hey, look at the picture of my fingers! Since when does a Cheetos product not leave an anti-social grime on your skin? A Cheetos product should make you feel shame, as Patton Oswalt rightly pointed out years ago.

The Cheetos chicken fries aren’t outright gross, like some of the other things I’ve eaten for this feature. It’s not even the worst Burger King food, which definitely goes to the Whopperrito. (Shockingly, in the 30 minutes that I was eating my Cheetos chicken fries, I saw FIVE Whopperrito sales, so clearly, a bunch of poor schlubs out there like it.) The Cheetos chicken fries are just completely unnecessary and pointless.

Surprisingly not mustard.
The server asked me if I wanted dipping sauces for the fries, so I chose ranch and the chicken fry dipping sauce, which is apparently a thing. I’ve included a photo of that as well. It looks like mustard, it doesn’t taste like mustard, and it made me want mustard instead. It’s like a really mild, sanitized form of mustard.

By the way, Burger King, why the eff are you going so hard on the chicken fries in the first place? Were you annoyed that you missed the boat on nuggets, because you had those tenders, and you decided to keep the tender thing alive? But hey, you also have nuggets now – So why do you keep trying with the fries too? Your nuggets are perfectly OK!

Really, BK, you now have three menu items that you’ve shelved that you should bring back before introducing even more pointless shit. First, those Cheetos mac and cheese bites. Second, your original chicken tenders, which were at least a little spicy and peppered well. And third, bring back the god damn California Whopper! It’s a Whopper with avocado on it. Why must you insist with all of this trash when you have that in your back pocket?!?!

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