DON'T READ THIS: Liveblogging the LOST season opener

As the name of this post applies, don't read this post if you don't want to know spoilers for the season premiere of LOST. My friend Amanda is assisting with portions, and if you have any comments, feel free to PM me at ChemBros15. Huge, huge spoilers no doubt appear right after this...

9 p.m. - My friend Amanda spots a change right in the opening seconds, as Jack, in the original crash, got two bottles from the stewardess. And I seem to be right in my initial diagnosis that the plane crash wouldn't happen because of the actions of Juliet and what not.

As a result, Jack finds a dab of blood on his neck, and Desmond is next to him in his seat. Hey wait a second... Desmond wasn't originally on the plane! The mystery continues... Now we cut to under the water, with a picture of the giant foot statue thing. No other explanation, and we're at the first commercial break. (Amanda adds, "What the fuck? Why is this CGI SO BAD? Don't they have a big budget?"

9:10 p.m. - The episode resumes and we flashback to Juliet starting everything back in the past again. What the heck? How did Kate get into a tree? And why is the sound all messed up?

Amanda: I assume that's why the sound is effed up, since a bomb went off IN HER EARS.

Good call by Amanda. And sweet, Miles is still alive and what not! He was one of my favorite cast additions. The camera pans around after Kate says, "We're back," and it is revealed that they're both on the Island, after the Swan explosion. And hey, JACK is there too! And Sawyer comes out of nowhere to smack Jack across the face!

Amanda: SAWYER <3 kicking ass THEN taking names! After that scene, we switch to Jack back on the plane, and Kate (and her FBI agent friend) are still there. Kate bumps into Jack, so she obviously took something from him. Sawyer is on the plane as well, bringing up the idea of parallel universes or time splits or something similar. Hurley's luck has apparently changed, as he notes that "nothing bad ever happens to me." Another scene switch, and we're with Hurley, Sayid (still badly wounded) and Jin. Kate goes to inspect the wreckage of the Swan, and Juliet is buried underneath! Aw!

Meanwhile, Hurley consoles a dying Sayid, since Jack is probably helping out the hot blonde right now. (I would too.) The ominous music plays as Hurley hears something in the wood, and he turns around to see... Jacob! I guess that mofo is still alive, in some form or universe, and that gets us to the second commercial break at 9:21 EST.

9:23 p.m. - We're back, and Sun and Jin are playing kissy-poo a bit, and Locke and Boone are having a little chat. Amanda guarantees that Locke can walk now, and I agree. The scene then switches over to "Locke" (or whatever is possessing his body) and Ben; Ben is aghast that Jacob didn't fight back and just let him stab him. Another scene switch, and we're outside with Captain Frank and Sun. There is also friction between Richard and the New Others (which would make for a great rock band name). Ben goes to tell Richard that "Locke" wants to talk to him, and Richard shows Ben the corpse of Locke out on the beach. Ahhhh, another commercial! DRAMA!

Amanda: I like that Ben is at a disadvantage. Glad to see he doesn't have all the answers for once. His smug ass deserves it.

9:34 p.m. - Back again, with Jacob chatting to Hurley. Jacob is aware of his own death, and my friend Tom hypothesizes that the smoke monster is the thing possessing Locke.

Meanwhile, we flip back to the plane, and the stewardess / New Others member asks Jack the Doctor to help her with a guy locked in the restroom. Of course, it is Charlie, who has OD'ed - That was kind of easy to predict though. The show goes to commercial again, with his fate in the balance; I imagine that Jack brings him back to life somehow.

Amanda: OD. Sorry, badass musician, your luck ran out. But you make one sexy dead man. (Disclaimer: I am not a necrophiliac.) In all seriousness, a little Charlie Pace does the eyes good. I'm interested to see if he will play a bit of a role this season.

Eh, I just think he does a one-off. Maybe a few episodes here and there.

Amanda: Stop dashing my dreams, Greenwell.

9:40 p.m. - We're back, with Jack trying to clear Charlie's airway, and finding his baggie of heroin. He apparently choked on it, trying to keyster it. So, not technically an OD, although just about. He is apparently the only one who did not have a happy life with the time reset.

The scene switches to the Time Warp Gang trying to use the van to move the heavy machinery out of the way, so that they can try to dig Juliet out. She is soaked in blood, but seemingly conscious, and is playing a bit of kissy-kissy with Sawyer. Juliet realizes they're still on the Island, and reveals that she hit the bomb and detonated it.

Amanda: This is one hell of a love story. I'm glad James is so emotional these days.

Switching again, Jack and Hurley are talking about Jacob, who neither of them know; too bad they weren't in Locke's secret crew. Hurley stresses that he needs to take Sayid to Jacob's place. We switch again to the beach, and Ben and Richard are having a heart-to-heart.

Richard refuses to come into the shrine, but "Jacob's bodyguards" do. They try to shoot Evil Locke, and my friend Tom appears to be right, as the Smoke Monster appears again to mess up the bodyguards. One of them manages to keep him away for a few seconds by drawing a circle on the ground and standing in it, but the Smoke Monster makes him get out of it. Evil Locke says, "I'm sorry you had to see me like that," confirming that he is indeed most definitely the Smoke Monster. Plus Five for Tom.

Amanda: Holy disappearance Batman! You were RIGHT! (Referring to Tom.) He is in fact Old Smokey. And Old Smokey is my new petname for the monster. It sounds less mean. (After Evil Locke confirms that he is the Smoke Monster.) Badass.

9:52 p.m. - Sawyer and Juliet are again making kissy-faces as she dies. Uh, good times? They share a very, very dirty kiss, and by dirty, I mean physically unclean. Juliet says, "I have to tell you something," which on LOST is never a good thing, and then she dies. And Sawyer is Pissed at Jack, with the capital a definite.

Amanda: I think this moment just surpassed Titanic as far as my "romantic goodbye while dying moment."

We switch scenes again to the plane, with Charlie telling Jack he was supposed to die. Desmond is now missing again, of course. (Tom hypothesizes that the Smoke Monster is Desmond at this point in time, or in this universe, or whatever, and materialized into the plane as it passed over the Island.) It looks like the first hour is ending with a pretty routine landing, as everyone is buckling up for the descent into LAX, the name of the first episode... And then there are some cops on the plane, coming for Charlie.

However, the rest of the stuff seems pretty routine, with the passengers getting off. Unfortunately, it seems like Amanda and I were wrong, and Locke can't walk. And thus ends the first hour.

Amanda: I'm sad about Locke's legs. My cousin and his girlfriend are trying to watch - They have never seen LOST before. I am trying to recap and they think I'm nuts.

10:04 p.m. - Sawyer is now going through the trouble of burying Juliet. Kate says she'll leave a trail for him to follow as they try to save Sayid, but he says he ain't followin' no one. The others - Jack, Kate, Sawyer - leaves, while Sawyer and Miles hang back.

Scene switch to LAX, and Jack's dad is missing! Uh oh. They can't find Christian, as the airline says they have no idea where the coffin is. Good times, good times.

The crew brings Sayid to the Temple, where they find a skeleton with a missing arm and a book. After some more exploring, they find a spiral staircase further down, and some whispering voices get into Kate's ear. Jack alls out for her, and she doesn't seem to be responding, and he runs around looking for her. Then Jack runs back, because he can't find Hurley, and he gets punched out by... some weird guys in turbans! And then it reveals the actual Temple that was hidden by the wall.

Man, LOST is even more confusing than usual tonight... I keep having to ask Tom and Amanda what certain things are called. Like, I barely remember all of this Temple business.

10:15 p.m. - We're back, and Kate is up to her old tricks. She gets the FBI agent to take her to the bathroom, where she works on loosening up her handcuffs. She gets the jump on him, because he doesn't notice that she's not pissing or taking a dump. And of course, who does she meet in the elevator? Sawyer! Aw, they're thick as thieves already.

Amanda: "Well if it's confidential how am I supposed to know if I see one?" That is the kind of wit and charm that steals a girl's heart.

Then, we go to the Island, where Sawyer is burying Juliet's body. mwhahaha. I laughed like an evil person for some reason. Miles and Sawyer are bonding, as Sawyer realizes that Miles can talk to dead people. Juliet's final message to Sawyer? "It worked."

We switch again to the present time, where the weird group of natives is threatening to shoot the gang. But Hurley reveals what is inside the case for them - A wooden cross! The leader guy breaks it over his knee, and inside is a note from Jacob, presumably. This seems to smooth things over a bit, and they decide to bring Sayid to the Spring. Hurley wants to know what the paper says, and Hippie Richard Alpert says that if Sayid dies, they're all in a lot of trouble.

10:29 p.m. - We're back at the airport, as Jin and Sun are being detained by security. He has a bunch of cash on him, and a fancy watch, and Sun may or may not speak English any more, which presents a bit of a problem for Jin, who is led away by police. Sun does look like she is dressed much more conservatively, so she might not realize Jin's history anymore.

Scene skip to the Spring, where one of the natives cuts his hand and dips it into the water - I bet it is some sort of restorative fountain, but it doesn't seem to be working exactly correctly, judging from the Asian guy who cut his hand and then tried to fix it by dipping it in the water. He seemingly comes back to life, but then they drown him further? It is hard to tell exactly what happens.

Amanda: Sometimes, in my free time, I like to cut my hands open with knives, dip them in fountains, and then speak vaguely in a foreign language. I also have a vast collection of large hourglasses. And I drown Arabs.

And now, the Chinese leader dude says, "Your friend is dead." Amanda says, "We're all in big trouble." I'm also wondering what the heck is going on, since it fades to a commercial after Jack tries to give CPR to Sayid, failing. Amanda and Tom also have no idea where this is going.

10:40 p.m. - We're back after a pretty long break, with Kate trying to find her way out of the airport as her picture is circulated among the police. She manages to get her way to a taxi JUST as the FBI guy spots her, so she hijacks the cab, pulling a gun on him and making him drive away. And oh, by the way, Claire is in the cab with her!

Amanda: Oh HI CLAIRE.

Back to the Temple, they manage to find Miles and Sawyer, who was knocked out by a rock. Hurley is brought to the room with the Chinese guy, and spills that Jacob is dead, which makes everyone freak out. They start fortifying the place to protect against, I presume, the Smoke Monster.

We flip to Evil Locke and Ben, who are having a heart to heart. Ben rightly guesses that Smokey couldn't kill Jacob, and Evil Locke reveals Locke's last thought - "I just don't understand." Evil Locke then goes into a bit of a siloliquoy about how Locke was admirable, because he was weak and became strong, and because he didn't want to leave the Island. However, he then drops the bombshell that he wants what Locke didn't - To go home. So where is Evil Locke's home??? Ahhhh!

10:52 p.m. - Back to the Temple we go, where Sawyer is alive and what not. (Hey, at least not everyone is dead.) Sawyer says he won't kill Jack, because he deserves to "suffer on this rock like the rest of us."

The scene switches to Jack talking to his mom on the phone about the missing body of his dad, and then Locke and him are chatting a bit. After a little chat, Jack gives Locke his card, saying that nothing is reversible, and hinting that he might be able to fix his spine.

Amanda: If the rest of the season goes on in this parallel universe where they all becomes friends in L.A. I am going to go down to ABC and bomb the place.

Back to the beach, Evil Locke chats with Richard for a few seconds before quickly beating the snot out of him. Richard was apparently in chains at some point, although we have no indication why.

The episode ends with Hippie Alpert trying to convince Jack to come with him for a bit, but he resists. Hurley calls out to Jack, only for the Hippie to notice that... Sayid is still alive! Gasp!

Amanda: This is too weird. Even for LOST. WTF to the last two hours of my life!

I agree! Man. What the frick is going on? I think this is going to take a few more episodes to develop, unfortunately, with even more questions than answers for a while.