Pickin' pigskin with Bob and Steve: Week 11, Part 2

DETROIT over Cleveland (3.5)

Bob: Detroit -3.5

I hope the NFL makes a DVD of all the terrible games they have had this season and call it Who Wants it Less? It goes without saying that if you actually intend to use these recommendations to inform your gambling decisions, take my advice and do NOT bet on this game. These two teams are just awful and are hard to predict.

Neither of these teams have a good defense (No. 31 and No. 32 by average yardage), but Detroit's offense is mediocre. That's a compliment when compared to Cleveland's offense, which is No. 32 in terms of average yardage and scoring. This game has all the makings to be as bad as Cleveland-Buffalo was a few weeks ago.

Steve: Cleveland +3.5

As bad as the Lions were last year, I feel like they're even worse this year, but they've managed to just get lucky in a game and actually win one. Outside of some early season touchdowns, Stafford has looked pretty miserable at quarterback, probably because he has to worry about getting his brains mashed in on every snap.

JACKSONVILLE over Buffalo (9)

Steve: Jags -9

Ahhh, Buffalo. You finally got rid of Dick Jauron, who sucked. I wish you would just up and move to Toronto already. Seriously, people are quick to worry about the Bills moving, while overlooking the fact that Buffalo sucks as a city. They shit the bed with the Sabres, and the Bills are poorly supported as well. Just move to Toronto, which is a gorgeous city, and be done with it.

Bob: Jacksonville -9

I've never fully understood the whole firing-the-coach-before-the-season-ends thing. Football isn't like baseball or basketball where the coach's contribution to a team is largely during game time. Football coaches provide the game plan, which is drawn every week out of the larger strategy the coach has built over time — e.g. he has built a fast defense and will try to work to that strength each week. Firing a coach midseason isn't going to change the fact that the correct personnel may not have been drawn together. The contribution coaches do have on the field is clock management, at which Jauron was bad but it didn't really influence the Bills this season. All the clock management in the world isn't going to help the Bills when they lose by 13, 20, 28, 11, 21, and 25, which comprises a third of their season. The two close games they have lost came against the Pats and Browns, and both losses could be connected to inopportune fumbles by the Bills and not coaching decisions. I'm not defending Jauron because he wasn't a great coach. But firing him at this time does nothing but make the fans feel a bit better.

As for the game, Buffalo ranks dead last against the run so Miller Jenuine Draft should have a big week.

Pittsburgh over KANSAS CITY (10)

Bob: Pittsburgh -10

For all the teams we know are bad this year (including Kansas City), Pittsburgh is one of the teams we can actually be pretty sure is good. So why is this game so hard to pick? For one, Pittsburgh seems to lose their ability to win when Troy Polamalu gets hurt. Losing a safety shouldn't affect a team so much, but Pittsburgh must need its Samoan good luck charm. Also, Kansas City has the ability to score, even if they can't do so consistently. Finally, Pittsburgh seems to be content to allow teams to hang around so it's not necessarily a good move to pick them to cover. However, Kansas City lost their No. 1 receiver this week so I just don't feel comfortable picking them to stay with the Steelers this week.

Steve: Pittsburgh -10

Ugh, don't remind me that Bowe got suspended. The gutpunch about him and Brown both getting hurt this week is that it is so late in the fantasy season that I can effectively do nothing about it. Seriously, I still have Bowe on my roster, because the only decent guy on the waiver wire to replace him with is... Drum roll please... Kevin Faulk. Bye bye, chances of a fantasy championship! And to make things worse, one owner is throwing a hissy-fit because our commissioner is refusing to make four substitutions for him.

Indianapolis over BALTIMORE (1)

Steve: Indy -1

I feel like this game could be a trap for the Colts, coming off a big come-from-behind win against the Patriots. However, I really like this Caldwell guy. The situation reminds me of Pittsburgh, where Tomlin took over for the vastly overrated Bill Cowher and immediately took them back to the Super Bowl. Likewise, I feel that Tony Dungy was overrated as a coach, and he succeeded just because he was better than the lunatic he replaced, Jim Mora Sr.

Bob: Ugh -1

I agree with this looking like a trap game, but I just can't take the Ravens when I know there secondary has been lit up occasionally this season. This game is going to go one of two ways— either Peyton Manning will lead this team to another win another game that they shouldn't really have won through his bizarre combination of luck and skill, or Ed Reed is going to pick him off three times and Baltimore will dominate.

NY GIANTS over Atlanta (6.5)

Bob: Atlanta +6.5

At the beginning of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, you get to see Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn land on a Trade Federation starship, be ambushed, and shoot their way out of the ship. The sequence involves them melting their way through a door with their lightsabers, which is something that many Star Wars fans may have wondered if it was possible, since it never happened in the original trilogy. The movie shows so much promise and looks as though it will not disappoint the fans who waited over 20 years for a new Star Wars movie to come out. Almost immediately after that sequence, though, Jar Jar Binks comes out and takes a huge, steaming dump in the middle of the movie. Everything subsequent to that was ruined for fans.

Well, Jar Jar took a huge dump on the seasons of these two teams a few weeks ago. Both teams looked good out of the gate but have since looked just awful. Remember when beating Atlanta was a huge deal for the Patriots? It wouldn't be now. Remember when the Giants looked like the best team in the league? Now, I'm not even sure if they're good. Considering how bad both of these teams have been lately, I'll take the points.

Steve: Giants -6.5

I think your Star Wars reference is quite appropriate here, young Jedi. The Giants look pretty mortal now that they're done with the “complete and utter cupcake” portion of their schedule. However, that being said, I have no idea what the eff is up with the Falcons. They lost to some cupcake last week, so I have no faith in them until they beat a decent team again. The winner of this game will earn some respect from me, which I'm sure will motivate them this weekend.

GREEN BAY over San Francisco (6.5)

Steve: Green Bay -6.5

This line seems really small to me. If the Packers can protect Aaron Rodgers, then they can score in bunches. That seems like a big “if”, but hey, since when has San Fran been a good, consistent team? Aren't they still messing around with Alex Smith at quarterback? I don't think they can score 21 points, whereas I can see the Packers putting up that many points easily.

Bob: Green Bay -6.5

I think the smallness of this line is driven not so much by the fact that people think San Fran is good, but because the Packers seem to have an inability to play well consistently from week to week. On paper, this should be a 10 point spread but the Packers may have one of those games where Aaron Rodgers holds the ball for 15 seconds too many times and thus gets sacked a bunch. The Packers are one of those teams I wouldn't gamble on this season, along with all those games that feature crappy teams playing each other, because it's more like roulette than actually thinking you know who will win.

MINNESOTA over Seattle (11)

Bob: Minnesota -11

In an episode of South Park, Stan notes about Bono, “That's why he's able to do so much. Try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.” The premise of the entire episode is that Bono is literally the world's largest piece of crap, which the head of the European Fecal Standards raised as his child. Well, Brett Favre is also a huge piece of shit, perhaps linked to the dump Jar Jar Binks took on Episode I and the Falcons and Giants season.

Steve: Minnesota -11

I like the continuity between your selections this week, Bob. It's a proud day for Penney, Andy and the other Hansons out there. Yeah, Brett Favre really is one of the most evil men alive now, and Vikings fans should feel dirty winning with their arch-nemesis on their team. It would be equivalent to the Red Sox finally winning in 2004, but if they somehow got Derek Jeter on their team to do it.

DALLAS over Washington (11)

Steve: Washington +11

Hey, this pick is completely insane! But the Redskins have been frisky lately, and, well, I'm just being a contrarian here. I'm shooting from the hip, from the gut, being a maverick, like Sarah Palin! Also, this gives me an excuse to run a photo of Tina Fey, and honestly, who doesn't want to see more of Tina Fey?

Bob: Dallas -11

Boy, it would make Kristin's father's day if the Redskins could manage the upset here. Actually, funny story on this one — usually Kristin will get unhappy if I spend all day Sunday watching football. She has no problem with me watching the Patriots, but she generally doesn't want me to watch the 1 p.m., 4 p.m., and night game on Sunday. So when I was talking to somebody about our weekend plans, I mentioned that we would be watching football on Sunday, particularly the Patriots game. Kristin quickly interjected that we would be watching the Redskins-'Boys too, which is great because it means I get a 1 p.m. and a 4 p.m. this week (OpenOffice can go to Hell, by the way, because it keeps automatically capitalizing the next letter after the period in p.m.).

Unfortunately, I think the Redskins might get beat pretty badly this week because an often overlooked strength of the Cowboys offense is their run game, which also is the Redskins defense's Achilles heal. If Jason Campbell were going to choose a week to blow up and try to salvage his season, though, this would be the game since the Cowboys pass defense is still pretty bad.

New Orleans over TAMPA BAY (11.5)

Bob: Tampa Bay +11.5

New Orleans hasn't been covering the double digit spreads anymore, looking vulnerable, while Tampa Bay has looked frisky the last few weeks. This means, of course, that this game is going to be a 20 point blowout.

Steve: New Orleans -11.5

I'm glad you said the game will be a 20-point blowout – That means I'm safe going that way. Thanks!

Arizona over ST. LOUIS (9)

Steve: Arizona -9

On one hand, Arizona has been blowing teams out. On the other hand, the Rams really suck this year. What is a guy to do?

Bob: Arizona -9

Arizona has been taking care of business against bad teams. The Rams have been known to make games interesting, a la last week where they somehow came close against the Saints, but it is hard to pick a team that is averaging barely double digit points per game to cover.

NEW ENGLAND over NY Jets (10.5)

Bob: NY Jets +10.5

I still can't communicate rationally about the Colts-Pats game last week. So I won't. This game could easily be a Belichick “eff you” game where they put 60 points on a team to show that they can, even against a quality defense like the Jets. But the Pats seems to have a hard time blowing teams out playing in normal weather in this country.

Steve: Patriots -10.5

Again, you made my argument for me, Bob, similar to the New Orleans pick. I definitely think this game has high “eff you” potential, between the Pats losing the first game to the Jets, Ryan breaking down and crying to his team this week, the freefall that the Sanchise finds himself in, and the Patriots' defense looking to pummel the Jets to prove something. It's not like the Jets dominated the first game between the two teams, and this time, the Patriots are at home, and Brady is playing much better now, and the Jets are playing much worse.

Cincinnati over OAKLAND (9.5)

Steve: Cincinnati -9.5

Why is this line smaller than the Patriots-Jets game? Cedric Benson probably won't play for the Bengals, but really, nobody shows up to play ever for the Raiders.

Bob: Cincinnati -9.5

Cedric Benson is a significant loss for the Bengals, but Larry Johnson isn't a huge downgrade. The guy isn't a great person but he's a decent running back. I think he was limited this year at least in part by the fact that Kansas City's O-line being subpar. However, the Bengals have been living and dying by their defense, so fortunately for them Cedric Benson doesn't play there. Oakland has been known to surprise teams in the past, but generally they just lose miserably.

San Diego over DENVER (3)

Bob: San Diego -3

I won't pick any team the week after they lose to the Redskins. Also, Chris Simms isn't particularly good and won't be Josh McDaniels' new Matt Cassell. What has the world come to where losing Kyle Orton is actually a significant downgrade for a team?

Steve: Denver +3

Ugh. This game... I have no idea what way it could go. Really, at the start of the season, I would have thought that Simms would have been just as good of a choice as a starter as Kyle Orton, who I viewed as supremely overrated because of his win-loss record with some dominant Chicago defenses behind him.

But this year, I think Orton has dramatically stepped his game up. As a result, the Broncos have surprised everyone... and now he's gone, apparently. On top of that, LDT showed a pulse last week – Who knew? Every trend seems to favor the Chargers for this game, so I'm bucking them and instead banking on the Broncos.

Philadelphia over CHICAGO (3)

Steve: Philly -3

The Bears are a mediocre team, and the Eagles only seem to show up against good teams... I have no idea what this means for this weekend. Anything could happen! The NFL, where average vs. below average happens.

Bob: Cheesesteaks -3

How does one get a body like Brian Westbrook? I'm not talking about him being ripped or something, I'm talking about his body breaking down more than the Millennium Falcon or a Ford. Injured again? Did this guy do something to piss off a higher power? Does he need to pull a My Name is Earl and set about fixing his karma? The Eagles made a huge move when they drafted LeSean “Bones” McCoy this year.

But I won't ever pick the Bears again this year unless the spread is wider. They are just awful.

HOUSTON over Tennessee (4.5)

Bob: Tennessee +4.5

A few weeks ago, ESPN's executives must have been incredibly worried about this game. Houston hasn't exactly been setting the world on fire but Tennessee just looked awful. Now, viewers of this game may actually be treated to honest-to-goodness football.

Houston is probably the better team—they have been better on both sides of the ball statistically—but Tennessee has been a completely different team these last few weeks. It is tempting to take Houston, particularly since they are coming off a bye, but I am not going to bet against Vince Young and his bizarre karma-good luck thing. Also, Chris Johnson is who I thought he is.

Steve: Tennessee +4.5

I should coach the Titans, since I would have been playing Vince Young from week one. Hey Jeff Fisher, fuck you buddy.

The picture of Admiral Ackbar comes from this nutty site that has a post complaining about the unfairness of The Blind Side taking a swipe at George W. Bush. The picture of Tina is from here. The picture of Stacy and Clinton is from here.