Pickin' Pigskin with Bob and Steve and Kristin: Week 16

So, in future weeks, I'm going to handle the picks like a Tag Team blog. Frankly, Bob, Kristin and I were getting exhausted trying to comment on games we honestly don't give a crap about, like, for example, San Fran vs. St. Louis this week, followed by San Fran vs. Detroit next week. He is also headed to Prague for spy stuff a vacation, so he and the Mrs won't have as much opportunity to comment.

For this week, Bob did comments on plenty of the games, but then not so much. I'll just insert my picks where required. Standings should have been at the bottom of the post.

TENNESSEE over San Diego (3)

Steve: San Diego -3
Bob: San Diego +3

An unstoppable force meets an immovable object. Two of the hottest teams in football meet up for an unforgettable game. Ha, actually, considering this game is on the NFL Network, it is surprisingly good. Up until now I've been riding the Vince Young express, but I'm surprised that they are favored over the Chargers. San Diego hasn't lost since October, when they got beat by the then-undefeated Broncos. On the other hand, Tennessee had a hard time putting a stake in the heart of a banged up Miami team last week. Unfortunately, I think this will be the week where the Titans' playoff hopes get dashed.

Among other things that will soon be unfortunately extinguished, FOX will soon show the last few episodes of the surprisingly good Dollhouse, which features a good looking cast that includes Eliza Dushku and Dichen Lachman (who I wrote about during Week 13). The show is a science fiction-y show that is about “dolls,” who are good looking people who have had their minds erased, and can be programmed with numerous different personalities. The show started off weak during its first few episodes, but has slowly gained strength over the last year. It started off as showcasing a different, interesting personality every week, a premise that gets somewhat tired after a while. However, in its most recent episodes it has began broaching the numerous complications that could accompany having the ability to reprogram and pimp out people at will. I would highly recommend that people investigate this show, and try to catch up so they can enjoy the final episodes when they air in a few weeks.

GREEN BAY over Seattle (14)

Steve: Green Bay -14
Bob: Seattle +14

It is inexplicable that Green Bay lost to the Steelers last week. In fact, it is inexplicable that they are 9-5. Considering their stats they should be the toast of the NFC, but they haven't been able to beat “plus” opponents and managed to lose to Tampa Bay. I originally had Green Bay penciled in for this game since Seattle is atrocious on the road, but the spread is just too rich for me.

CLEVELAND over Oakland (3.5)

Steve: Oakland
Bob: Oakland +3.5

This game should be made a four way battle between the Browns, Raiders, Chiefs and St. Louis. They should play in a round-robin tournament to decide once and for all who is the worst team of the 2009 NFL season. Some would argue that Tampa Bay and the Lions belong in the round robin as well, and I don't necessarily disagree, but I would argue that the four teams I listed first are the worst, even though their records are better than Tampa Bay. What is the opposite of the “toast of the NFL?” What would be the diss equivalent of a toast? The spit of the NFL? The bitten thumb of the NFL? Regardless, that's what these teams would be playing to become.

CINCINNATI over Kansas City (13.5)

Steve: Cincy -13.5
Bob: Kansas City +13.5

Cincinnati just hasn't looked good lately. Combined with the letdown game last week where they failed to win for their fallen teammate, if I were a Bengals fan I would worry that this team is in the beginning of a tailspin. Right now they have “first-round defeat” written all over them, and it won't be because of a cheap Steeler hit on Carson Palmer's knee.

Steve says: howdareyou Bob. How DARE you wish ill on my beloved Bengals! Palmer has finally regained his form from that playoff loss, although I really wish they could scrounge up some receivers for him. I mean, it's essentially Ocho Cinco and nothing back there. Henry was a prominent receiver for them before he got injured (and now killed), and he needed as many second chances as other talented screw-ups like Lawrence Phillips and Randy Moss just to get to where he was at.

ATLANTA over Buffalo (9)

Steve: Atlanta -9
Bob: Buffalo +9

I have no idea. Points, please.

MIAMI over Houston (3)

Steve: Miami -3
Bob: Miami -3

At some point, you have to be sick of playing for next season if you play for the Texans. Combined with the fact that Miami has been quite dangerous this season, I'm comfortable taking the Dolphins here.

NY GIANTS over Carolina (7)

Steve: Panthers +7
Bob: NY Giants -7

Speaking of bizarrely dangerous teams, Carolina has had a few games where they've surprised people. They have a disruptive defense and an offense that can occasionally capitalize. They almost handed the Saints their first loss and handled the Vikings last week (although, say it together now, “Brett Favre in December”). I'll take the Giants here just because I have a hard time seeing Carolina sneak up on another team, and the Giants badly need this win.

NEW ORLEANS over Tampa Bay (14)

Steve: Saints -14
Bob: Tampa Bay +14

What is New Orleans playing for at this point? Minnesota has lost three. The Saints can either beat Tampa Bay (not that hard a feat) or beat Carolina (ditto) and clinch home field advantage. Have a hard time seeing them covering in this situation.

How anticlimactic was that loss to Dallas last week, by the way? Dallas was hardly New Orleans' most scary opponent over the last third of its schedule, and it had badly outclassed New England only a few games before. Meanwhile, Dallas was in the midst of its typical December skid. This is like turning on Looney Tunes one day only to watch Wile E. Coyote munching on the Road Runner. Who knew that there was a Saturday game last week, and who knew that it would actually feature a good game?

NEW ENGLAND over Jacksonville (7.5)

Steve: New England -7.5
Bob: New England -7.5

One team is playing to preserve its playoff hopes, the other team has a two-game lead in its division and gets to play the heartless (and not in the Kanye West sense) Texans next week. All of the urgency will be on the Jaguars side this week, but it's still tough to see them win this game. They have been middle-of-the-pack statistically this year and have a decent record only because they have been able to feast on mediocrity this year (wins against Houston twice, the then-listless Titans, St. Louis, Kansas City, the Jets, and Buffalo). As much as I can absolutely foresee the Patriots losing this game because of their inability to play well consistently, my crystal ball tells me that the Jaguars playoff hopes explode this week.

PITTSBURGH over Baltimore (2.5)

Steve: Steelers -2.5
Bob: Baltimore +2.5

Rock beats scissors, scissors cut paper, paper covers rock. Lizard and Spock work in there somewhere.

Steve says: I'm picking the Steelers solely because, I believe, it would muddle the AFC playoff picture even more. For that simple reason, I think they manage to eek this one out.

PHILADELPHIA over Denver (7)

Steve: Denver +7
Bob: Philadelphia -7

Apparently I spoke too soon about Josh McDaniels being a good coach. Losing to the Raiders in Denver? Harsh. Meanwhile, Philadelphia is on some bizarre roll even though one never gets the sense that they're particularly good. They are beatable, but they are definitely a “plus” team. Oh, and Brian Westbrook is back. Could the Eagles bizarrely make a Super Bowl run?

Bizarre runs make me think of (besides the obvious scatological humor) The Venture Brothers. For the hoi polloi, this is a show that started as a satire of Johnny Quest but has since become so much more. It features two boy adventurers, Hank and Dean, whose father was a former boy adventurer and current incompetent scientist, and whose bodyguard is a freaking badass. Their father's archenemy is named The Monarch, after the monarch butterfly, which “has many ways to sting.” Originally, the show largely showed them on various misadventures, but as it has gone along it has started building its own mythology. In addition, they have moved away from only satirizing adventurer shows and are now willing to satirize any significant cartoon, and many of the themes that were previously somewhat subtle have become hilariously blatant (for example, a grownup Johnny Quest has been featured in a few episodes). The show took a simple concept and has run with it, making the show so much more than it deserves to be. If you haven't seen it, go out and watch it now. Don't even bother continuing to read these picks.

Steve says: I concur fully on The Venture Brothers. I was trying to convince everyone to watch it in the spring of 2007, when I was still the entertainment editor of the Cigar, but not enough people know about its excellence yet.

ARIZONA over St. Louis (14)

Steve: Cardinals -14
Bob: St. Louis +14

I am so going to bomb this week because I chose a bunch of underdogs. I don't trust Arizona to cover here, though.

SAN FRANCISCO over Detroit (12)

Steve: San Fran -12
Bob: San Francisco -12

Ugh, this line is way too high but I'm willing to take a flier on the 49ers because they are at home. Aside from some awful midseason performances there, they have managed to do pretty well in San Francisco.

INDIANAPOLIS over NY Jets (5.5)

Steve: Indy -5.5
Bob: Indianapolis -5.5

No incentive to win this game. No incentive to play Peyton Manning. No reason to even show up. Why can't the Colts just lose?

When I was younger, my father had a sailboat that he liked to take around the bay. It was a big sailboat, perhaps a little too big for him. He was used to sailing much smaller boats, and thus was a bit too willing to take chances that could have had real consequences. One of his favorite tricks was to pull the sail in so tight that the boat was almost parallel to the water because the sail was catching so much wind. This boat was about 30 feet, mind you, and was large enough to have a cabin. With the boat nearly capsized, he would assure us it was okay because the boat had a “steel keel.” Occasionally the boat would take on a little water because he enjoyed sailing so recklessly, which he assured us was okay since the boat had a little plug about an inch in diameter that would allow the water to drain. Needless to say, many of my memories associated with this boat are less than happy, and for a long time my father was referred to as “Captain Bligh.” One day, my father decided he would sail under the Newport Bridge at the point the bridge was the lowest. My pleading for him not to, since the boat would not fit, was unheard, and we went under and almost got stuck as the mast scraped along the bottom of the bridge. As we barely squeaked through the other side, he decided to let go tiller and let the boat spin around in circles. I have no idea why, but I'm pretty sure it was to antagonize me. I don't remember it quite this way, but my friend who was with me swears I spent the next few minutes screaming “Why, Daddy, why???” Well, seeing the Colts at the crest of perfection makes me again want to scream “why, Daddy, why???”

Dallas over WASHINGTON (7)

Steve: Dallas -7
Bob: Dallas -7

I can see this one going either way. I'm going to say Dallas gets their badly needed win and the Redskins show why they continue to be the basement of the NFC East. But the Redskins were able to only lose by one in Dallas earlier this season, and have generally been able to cover against good teams, so this could easily go the other way.

Minnesota over CHICAGO (7)

Steve: Minny -7
Bob: Minnesota -7

Minnesota was exposed last week but Chicago is worse. I have a friend in DC who is a Bears fan and who had talked about seeing the Bears when they played the Ravens last week. These discussions started at the beginning of football season, but soon trailed off as the Bears started to look more and more terrible. A few weeks ago, I was fortunate enough to have the delight of listening to him curse out Jay Cutler for three solid hours as Cutler again threw numerous interceptions and showed Chicago why he was not worth two first-round draft picks. Other Bears fans in the bars were yelling out “have fun collecting unemployment next year, Lovie” and other charitable feelings toward the Bears. Needless to say, any plans to watch the Bears in Baltimore were ditched long before we realized there was going to be historic snowfall in the DC-area last weekend. The moral of the story is that although Brett Favre very well could shit the bed playing in cold weather in December this week in Chicago, the Bears probably are not the team to capitalize on his poor play.

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Kristin says: Here are my picks. Thanks for letting me play along, but I agree this is exhausting.

Last week, I enjoyed writing haiku about who won
Why should poems be over now week 15 is done?
I will take San Diego over Tennessee
The Titans only won last week just to bug me
Green Bay vs. Seattle I'll take the Cheese
And Oakland over Cleveland if you please
As much as I want to pick Cincinnati
I feel forced to choose stupid K City
I will also take Giants, Miami, and Buffalo
Tampa Bay and New England in the snow
I think that Pittsburgh wants it more
Philadelphia can win at home fooooooooor suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure
Let's go Rams and the San Francisco treat
Jets, Jets, Jets! Indy you should beat!
I'll take the Skins on a Christmas wish
Lastly, I'll take Minny, umm something about fish
So for Christmas I didn't get a puppy bulldog
But in a few hours Bob is taking me to Prague!

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I have fallen very, very far behind Bob and Kristin the past couple weeks, as my strategy of going intentionally against Bob has been, well, a bad one. Sigh.

Week 14: Bob and Kristin tied at 12-4, while I lost four games on them, finishing at 8-8.

Week 15: Again, Bob and Kristin tied at 6-9. I lost a game on them, finishing 5-10. Only 15 games because Patriots vs. Bills was a push.

Overall: With just two regular season weeks and the postseason, Bob holds a one-game lead on Kristin, 114-106 to 113-107. I am languishing 11 games back at 103-117. Double sigh!

The exhaustion image is from this web site. The Dollhouse photo is from this site. The original print of Roadrunner and Wile can be bought from this site. The sinking Titanic is from here.