Friday, May 28, 2010

Inexplicable Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles does not need tinkering, Michael Bay.

I'm normally pretty OK with movies being remade, even if they're popular titles from my past. For example, the first Transformers didn't completely suck, even if the second one was complete and utter trash. The Karate Kid was a classic, but I agree with Bill Simmons when he states that certain aspects of it feel completely dated; I think it might be hard for some kids now to relate to movies that have absolutely no computer, cell phone or Internet presence. The new Karate Kid doesn't look great to me, but it also doesn't look like complete ass.

I'm more confused by the news that Michael Bay is remaking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Uh, esqueeze me? Baking soda? What the heck is wrong with TMNT?

The movie holds up great, which isn't to say that it is a legitimately great movie. It is a bad movie aimed at kids, and it makes absolutely no attempt to be high art. With the ridiculous premise of turtles and a rat exposed to radiation who then learn kung-fu from the rat because he's originally from Japan, it would damn near be impossible to get an Oscar nomination. The turtles make lame jokes that are funny to kids, and so-bad-they're-funny to me now that I'm an adult.

It also helps the camp / humor value that everything about the movie is out of central casting and predictable, and logically unexplainable. You know, like how there is a secret army in New York City, led by a dude with a bladed helmet, and who seems to have a general who barely speaks English. They entice underage teenagers to join their super-serious martial arts gang with cigarettes, arcade games and skateboarding ramps. (Note about movies of this ilk, and a good idea for an Airplane! style spoof: What exactly is in it for all the super-serious henchmen of these movies? I'll even give you a title - Hench. Like, duh.)

There are also plenty of fight scenes, and most of them hold up well because they feature Three Stooges-style slapstick. ha ha, Michelangelo is on his back and spinning to trip up Foot Soldiers! Donatello just spit water in that guy's face! Oh, now the turtles are ordering pizza, and the Domino's guy (hi product placement!) can't find them because they live in a sewer, ha ha!

Given how ridiculous and great everything already is, why does their need to be a remake? Well, besides the obvious reason that Michael Bay would like to make lots of money. There are two directions they can go with this, both of which would suck:

- Make it like Batman Begins, which would mean super realistic and gritty... except that they're mutant ninja turtles?

- Copy the animated shows and go even more slapstick. However, the recent animated shows have sucked, so I can't see them doing big business. And hey, remember a couple years ago when they went this route and that movie sucked because it was slow and plodding?

In conclusion, Michael Bay please do not mess around with my movie. And also, don't you dare think of remaking The Wizard.


  1. I agree with you. TMNT is a great movie from my childhood that I still love just as much now. Damn that Michael Bay.

    Although part of me would like to see another TMNT movie but the 3rd one kinda sucked. Didn't they go back in time to ancient china or something?

    I haven't seen the one that came out a few years ago. Great post!

  2. Thanks for the support, Powdered Toast Man! Love your work on Ren and Stimpy.

    I literally fell asleep while watching the TMNT movie from a couple years ago. It was pretty bad. My girlfriend at the time, who managed to stay awake, wasn't that impressed either.

    Of the original triology, 3 was definitely the worst. It was so bad that I barely remember it, and I'm normally OK with that sort of stuff. That is the one where they go back in time, yes. I vaguely recall enjoying the second one, but for the life of me, I can't remember why, or the plot of the movie.

  3. I LOVE the teenage mutant ninja turtle movies! haha
    I actually really liked the second one, The Secret of the Ooze, almost as much as the first one.
    I MIGHT be okay with a remake if it was anyone else BUT Michael Bay. It's going to be awful.

  4. Uh-greed on Mike Bay, Danielle!

    What's so great about the second one, anyway? Since I can't remember what happens in it, besides that it is good.

  5. Oh God, please don't let Michael Bay get a hold of the TMNT franchise. The only way I would sanction this is if they were to use the same turtle costumes as TMNT 1,2,3, and the same voice actors.

  6. I agree, Ian. Making a fourth movie could be a decent idea, as odd as it would be to pick up from the awful third movie. Move them out to Los Angeles, and have them fight Krang or some other character from the cartoon.

  7. the second one was awesome because...idk it just was! Shredder also stole the ooze and used it on a fox an a turtle to turn them into mutant minions but they were really dumb. Then there's the scene at like an underground show there VANILLA ICE is performing and the turtles start dancing/fighting the mutant minions.
    And it has the young pizza boy they help train in their ways so he can help them out.

  8. Hmmmm... Some of that sounds familiar, haha. I think I liked that one because they stayed together the entire movie, as opposed to the first, where Raphael was fighting with Leonardo the entire movie.

  9. I really hope they don't go super gritty. It's Ninja Turtles! It kind of HAS to be campy by its nature. I find the new cartoons (well, I don't watch them but I've seen the stills) to be even a bit too intense.

    I'm really glad Michael Bay has had a falling out with Megan Fox. She cannot be April O'Neil. Maybe she could be Irma...

  10. The new cartoons all stink. I'm not even sure how Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers have survived to this point, but I guess if you're a kid who likes action cartoons, there aren't really that many alternatives.

    Megan Fox is pretty horrid, yes. Shia is OK, but he's no world beater either.


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