Thursday, September 16, 2010

Tag Team - Steve and Matt on MLB, NFL, TV and Top Chef

Time for another Tag Team discussion! If you'd like to do one as well, shoot me an e-mail at sgre6768@gmail.com. Today's buddy is Matt, who I knew way back when from when we both wrote online reviews for GameFAQs. Good times, good times - I was like 15 or 16 at the time. We talk about Major League Baseball, the National Football League and totally spoil Top Chef.

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Matt said at 9:18 p.m. on Sept. 7:

Hey,

Hope all is well with you. Figured I would check in with you an e-mail conversation blog entry, which you had proposed earlier this summer. Getting into September with baseball pennant races and Community's fall return seems as good a time as any if you still wanted to. But of course, your blog, so in your court!

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Steve said at 12:42 a.m. on Sept. 8:

Hey, that sounds good to me! Care to start it off? Actually, let's consider your message the jump-off point...

Anyway, I'm annoyed by Red Sox fans. There is a weird sense of entitlement going on. Yes, it's disappointing that the team won't be making the playoffs this year. But Pedroia, Youkilis, Beckett and Ellsbury have all missed significant time, and the Rays and Yankees have both played really well. Who wins the AL East each year is now basically a function of health, since the top three teams are ridiculously good.

As far as the Twins go, I think they easily hold on and make the playoffs over the White Sox. Despite their wicked hot streak, the White Sox couldn't take over the lead. Therefore, I don't think it's going to happen.

How about those Vikings? I find it kind of sad that they again had to beg Favre to come back. And then, they had an odd trade in giving up Sage Rosenfels for essentially nothing. He's at least a below-average to average QB, whereas T-Jackson is just downright horrible. Why not just cut Jackson?

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Matt said at 1:04 a.m. on Sept. 8:

The AL East is always a division where bad luck plays a huge role (unless you're the Orioles, then just being bad plays a huge role). You'd be winning the AL West, and you'd be only four back in the AL Central. And it's generally a given that the Red Sox could win any division in the AAAA NL. At this point, the Red Sox should really shut down some of their older players for the rest of the season and see if they can blood and upcoming people. That might require some maneuvering with the 60 day DL to free up spots on the 40-man roster, but I think it'd be worth it for the long-term health of the team. The Yankees can always sign other people, and the Rays aren't going anywhere.

I realize that Red Sox fans have gotten into this mentality where they feel like they should make the playoffs every year. Twins fans have too, just without the budget to support it. We just have a crappier division to contend with.

I'm thrilled with this Twins season. I wasn't really concerned about the Nathan injury before the season - as far as I can tell, all closers really are replaceable, even the best ones. I haven't really been proven wrong. At most, the Nathan loss swings three games over the course of the season. I'm much more worried about his ever coming back effectively, given his age (36) and his Tommy John surgery. It's one thing to come back if you are Strasburg, but it's another if you're a closer in your mid 30s.

That said, if you had told me that Morneau would miss 2+ months with mysterious concussion-related ailments and the offense would not miss a beat, I'd never have believed you. Prospects have come up and stepped up, Jim Thome has been the elite power threat the Twins have never had, and they've been firing on all cylinders. I expected to win the division at about 85 games. Given how weak our schedule is, we could conceivably make a run at 93-95 wins and contend for the best record in the league, given the 7 games remaining that the Rays and Yanks have against each other.

I couldn't handle the White Sox catching us from behind. I still haven't forgiven them for the ridiculous 2008 decision to let them have game 163 at home despite our having the superior head-to-head. Well, and I hate the White Sox for many other reasons too. Like Ozzie's backhanded compliments. And A.J. Pierzynski's general level of doucheyness.

As for the debacle that will be the 2010 Minnesota Vikings:

This is one of those seasons that is going to roll in as a 7-9 finish despite astronomical expectations, like the Bengals a few seasons ago. I'm thrilled that we have Favre back. I'm thrilled that Peterson has acknowledged he has a fumbling issue and is trying to solve it. I'm less thrilled that we traded a corner for Greg Camarillo when Housh was about to be made available. And then our other corners all got hurt, so we have two corners and Lito Sheppard's corpse in the secondary.

Re: Rosenfels and Jackson. It was a questionable trade indeed. Especially since we gave up our kick returner/4th receiver as well. Given the gaping hole at receiver with Percy Harvin's headaches (ANOTHER mysterious head injury taking away playing time from a star Minnesota athlete this year) and Sidney Rice's secret preseason surgery, why trade more away? Rosenfels is a competent NFL backup. The gamble is that Favre never misses a game, so you won't need to play the backup. Of course, Favre has never been 40 before. Something's gotta give. The real reason that Childress won't give up on Jackson is his shocking degree of pride for a coach who has never won a big game in his life. He traded up to draft Jackson out of a middle of nowhere small college in his first season, convinced he could turn him into the next Donovan McNabb. And dammit, Childress is going to do it, whatever the consequences. Everyone knows that Jackson is incompetent and should be out of the league. Even Childress has to, deep down. But as Childress prides himself on his QB-molding skills, the release of Jackson would emasculate Childress to such a degree, he will not allow it to happen. As soon as Childress is fired - a good bet for this season - Jackson will be among the first cuts by the new coach. Really, it's a level of coach stubbornness usually reserved for aging, formerly elite college coaches.

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Steve said at 12:07 a.m. on Sept. 9:

I'm not even sure who the Red Sox can and should rest at this point. Beltre is a free agent, as is Victor Martinez, so there really isn't any huge penalty to working them into the ground. (In fact, it's a bit of a moral hazard, since the Sox could press them enough to get them hurt, which would then make either one a bit easier to re-sign, potentially.) Pretty much all of the interest and healthy minor league players are up. Lars Anderson got a couple hits tonight, which was nice to see, although I think he and Josh Reddick are more bench types on a playoff contender as opposed to starters.

Nathan is probably done, because as you note, most closers are pretty fungible, unless you're Mariano Rivera or Trevor Hoffman. When Papelbon is a free agent, I imagine that the Red Sox will let him walk, because some stupid team like the Mets will outspend them plenty for him.

I think the White Sox are done. (Note: I have no idea how they and the Twins did tonight.) The only chance they have in my opinion is if they manage to sweep the Twins in a head-to-head series. The Red Sox needed to do that against the Rays last week, and instead, they dropped three of four if I recall correctly. The Twins are a bit odd to watch, because they could be an elite team if they just upgraded some of the gaping holes in their lineup to mere flesh wounds. I'm looking in your direction, the combination of Tolbert, Punto, Harris and others.

Childress, besides looking like a child molester, does strike me as a guy completely overmatched in the NFL. I think he lucked into a contract extension since everything that could have went well for the Vikings last year did, until Zombie Brett Favre finally took over the body of Surprisingly Effective Brett Favre. By the way, as a Vikings fan, how do you feel about him in general? He will essentially be your fandom property for life now, since I can't imagine him being welcome back in Green Bay for a long, long time. Your projection of 7-9 for the Vikings seems about right to me, since they now have to play a tougher schedule this year, at least on paper to start the season.

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Matt said at 12:59 a.m. on Sept. 9:

Danny Valencia has been filling that Tolbert / Punto / Harris hole shockingly well since he got called up in July; he's just hurt at the moment. Valencia has had an OPS+ of 126 this season. Conventional stat lovers can note he is hitting .343. (By the way, the Twins opened it up to 5.5 games today.) Given the rivalry between the two, a White Sox sweep could change the nature of the race, but it seems unlikely at the moment.

By the way, I too am looking forward to the Mets vastly overpaying Papelbon as a rapid recoil from the K-Rod fiasco.

Favre gave us a magnificent season last year, and he's been totally rehabilitated at this point in Minnesotan eyes for his entire career in Green Bay. That said, long term - UNLESS we win the Super Bowl this season - I can't see us being willing to claim him as one of our own. We're actually going through the same scenario with Jim Thome right now, who could be the second most popular player on the Twins after Mauer despite being a part-time DH.

I find the issue of fan ownership to be a really interesting one, though, across all sports. Do Celtics fans feel as though they have equal claim to Kevin Garnett as we do? They may well, and could make a case for it. It's endemic of larger issues of cultural ownership, and it's at a level for which there are no real consequences. But these are the same issues that pop up in the real world as well: do Russia and Ukraine have equal claim to the Crimean Peninsula, given that it was transferred during the Soviet period from the former to the latter essentially on a bureaucratic whim? If both Russians and Ukrainans feel that the Crimea is theirs, does it matter what the Crimeans feel to either of them? Favre will always feel like a Packer, I would imagine, but will that matter to the Green Bay fans?

That said, the issue is most fun when it comes up to choosing players' Hall of Fame caps. I love the arguments. And I find it ludicrous that some players go in with no team on their cap. Be a man. Don't pretend you didn't like one of those teams / fans / cities / public transportation systems better. You did. Just like every teacher has a favorite student. It's all a bucket of lies.

Another area which I find this comes up in is TV shows. When actors are in multiple long-running shows, which show is given "ownership" of them? I think that's part of the reason that the new TV shows that Jimmy Smits and Rob Lowe get every season fail: they can't be disassociated from their roles. It's why Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton's new show failed despite on paper working so perfectly. Alison Janney once described The West Wing as being on the first line of their obituaries. It's part of the problem of getting a good character like that for so many seasons: regardless of how talented you might be (and you need to be that talented to get that deep into a role), it's sometimes not possible to get out of it.

This problem is one of my concerns this fall for Lone Star, which is possibly the only new show I'm excited for this fall. I fully encourage the use of Adrianne Palicki in as many places as possible, but I'm not sure I'll be able to buy her as a wealthy socialite wife in her late 20s after seeing her for so many years as trailer trash Tyra Collette in Friday Night Lights.

Of course, Bill Cosby got around this by just playing the same character with Phylicia Rashad in multiple consecutive sitcoms. Just like Jennifer Aniston and Michael Cera play the same character in every movie as they did in their TV shows. (Unrelated: the casting of Michael Cera as the Facebook guy seems a little bit creepy to me.) Maura Tierney successfully did it with ER and NewsRadio. Current people doing it successfully are a little rare, but I think Peter Krause is doing remarkably well in Parenthood given Sports Night and Six Feet Under, and Alison Brie is simultaneously playing characters on Mad Men and Community that are pretty different. Though she gets the bonus of one being a period piece.

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Steve said at 10:49 p.m. on Sept. 15:

... And since we last messaged, the Twins' lead has swollen to seven games. Yikes! I think the conventional fan underestimates that teams that go on a hot streak and STILL don't wind up with a healthy lead are at a disadvantage. Because of regression to the mean, you figure that the streaking team will eventually fall back a bit. If you streak in September or October, then cool, but otherwise, you have to figure the team will revert to its pre-streak level. Which, for the White Sox, is a .500 team.

I know nothing about the historical territory issues that you propose, so I'll stick to the sports issue. I think at this point, it wouldn't be surprising if Garnett is associated more with the Celtics. He won one championship, and made it to the finals another time, and probably could have gone the year before this one if he had been healthy. (Although, that's a big "if" at this point in his career.) In Minnesota, he put up the majority of his impressive numbers, but only won a single playoff series, right? I don't know how the Basketball Hall of Fame works in terms of the teams, but it wouldn't surprise me if he had either cap on.

I definitely think that if an actor is talented, they can rise above whatever character role they started in. You mentioned Tierney and Brie, who are good examples, but if you want to go to mega-superstars, Kevin Spacey and Tom Hanks have had really different kind of roles throughout their career, and they've been successful.

And I guess we do need to touch on this Top Chef business! Actually, I view the entire finale tainted because, inexplicably, Tiffany got eliminated. She won like 40 challenges, yet somehow, she seemed to get bounces on a fringe competition. What gives??? Kevin has no business being in the finals, since he was in the bottom for seemingly 50 challenges.

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Matt said at 12:06 a.m. on Sept. 16:

The Twins have essentially wrapped it up now, which is nice. As for Garnett, the Wolves did make it to the Conference Finals in '04, so he won at least two playoff series.

I agree that on the balance of the season, Kevin had no business being in the finals. That said, I knew he was going to win the second Tom mentioned that he had done the best job showcasing the ingredients that they picked. If there's one thing that Tom and Padma love, it's following instructions. (If there's a second, it's simple food, so Ed was doomed.) I also enjoyed the Ilan sighting, he was one of my favorite winners.

Tiffany was pretty amazing throughout, so it was disheartening to see her not make it. Personality wise, she was by far my favorite this season. The elimination order this season was pretty strange. Kenny seemed to be set up for a showdown with Angelo from the start and then vanished partway through. Angelo started out really annoying me with his arrogance, but then he kept revealing creepy details about himself (that he had crabs, that he had a Russian mail order bride) that just made him unintentionally hilarious. His creeping on Tamesha also made for good theater.

This wasn't the best season of Top Chef, not by a long shot, but it had its moments. For the record, Season 4 is the pinnacle of Top Chef seasons, as it had some of the best characters of all with Richard, Spike, Dale, and Lisa, lovingly referred to by New York Magazine's Grub Street blog's episode summaries (http://newyork.grubstreet.com/) as "The Gorgon." The best chef on the balance of the season did not win, who would definitely be one of Tiffany, Ed, or Angelo, but Kevin had a solid last episode and played by the rules.

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For the record, I totally thought the first season of Top Chef was the best. But the fourth wasn't bad either.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Baggage Game - Wednesday, September 15, 2010

If you don't know, now you know... person. Excess Baggage is here, and as usual, you can see the complete episode at the bottom.

Today's contestant is Christa, a very tall "spray tanner" from Firecrest, Washington. Ironically, although she presumably works at a spray tanning place, she is pale and looks kind of Keri Russell. She wants a man with success and "smartness" and dance moves. She wants a guy who can "dance his way through life."

Up first is a security guard from Orlando, Florida - Allen. He's bald, and immediately does a one-hand dance move thing, which immediately impresses Christa. What a ringer! Next is Josh, a pasty white executive assistant from Detroit who inexplicably likes the Buffalo Bills and Phish. And finally, there is Tom, a biological specimen collector from Miami who looks exactly how you'd think he looks.

First Round

Allen: I require three "guy nights" a week. (Jerry asks, "Have you ever had a three-guy night?")
Josh: I got my roommate fired.
Tom: I love smelling my ear wax.


Josh said the kid really rubbed him the wrong way, so he didn't give him a message that wound up with the kid getting fired. Meanwhile, Tom proves that sometimes looks aren't deceiving. He remarks to Christa that he'd love to "smell her ear wax," which sounds as bad it is. And Allen comes off as a bit of a pig.

Second Round

Josh: I pretend to climax. (Jerry says, "I don't know what the point is.")
Tom: I polish my toenails and fingernails.
Allen: I was in a Caribbean jail.


How and why the heck is a dude pretending to climax??? What a useless skill. However, the polishing thing is so weird that I'd probably ditch him, even though it's kind of a minor thing. The Caribbean jail thing is mildly concerning, but I imagine it's for a minor thing as well.

Christa eliminates The Pretender though, which I can't blame her for. His explanation makes him sound like a douche - Sometimes your partner finishes before you and you just want to roll over and go to bed. Tom continues to prove that he's a weird mofo, and Allen explains that he "got into a scuffle" while vacationing.

Hot spot time! Allen would go to a dance club, he has mancrushes on Michael Jackson and James Brown, and his secret sexual fantasy is "a girl that smells good around the neck area." (He does several dance moves during this, which impresses her.) Tom's sex life is best described by Cougar Town, the coolest thing he owns is a car, he likes licking girl's teeth (???) to get them in the mood, and he would take his pants off if he was alone in her house.

Final Elimination Round

Allen: I used to be a pimp.
Tom: I gambled away my college tuition playing online poker.
Josh (eliminated): I destroyed a car and blamed it on a hobo.


Holy heck, that's surprising for Allen. He adds that it did teach him how to "properly treat a lady." But it's not as sad and pathetic as Tom's overall package, so there is no way that I can see Christa picking him. With his baggage, Josh seems like a cartoonish character from a TV drama. Too bad he's gone. Womp womp womp.

And, this is legitimately shocking to me - Christa sends Allen home! Wow! They exchange a biggggg hug on the stage, and she cracks up and pretends to pick his ear. Maybe she has more of a sense of humor than I initially thought. You go girl! Anyway, her baggage is one of these three:

- I was one of seven sister wives in a polygamist family.
- I attacked my ex with a chainsaw.
- I've never gone all the way.


Christa looks to be in her late 20s, so the virgin thing wouldn't bug me enough to not date her. However, attacking her ex with a chainsaw? Being a polygamist wife? Both of those are potential dealbreakers for me, depending on the circumstances. (Tom laughs about the chainsaw thing and says, "Nice!")

When queried by Jerry, Tom says the virginity thing would bug him the most. "I like to get down and dirty," he said. And of course, that's her baggage. (This suddenly makes more sense about why she's not so into Allen The Pimp.) She comes across as humble and sweet while explaining that she's waiting for the right guy, which makes me like her more. (She's gone from a C- at the start of an episode to an A- now to me.) Tom accepts her baggage anyway though, and they hug nice and tight. (Tom still seems like a creepy rowe-butt.)









Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Pickin' Pigskin: Week 1 results

After one week of picking football games, it seems like little has changed from last year:

Kristin: 9-5
Bob and Steve: 7-7
Matt: 6-8

This proves that once again, it's better to have little knowledge of football when picking games as opposed to actually following the sport. For what it's worth, my stumping for Mendenhall is paying off so far, since he scored 20+ points for all three of my teams.

Unfortunately though, Dwayne Bowe sucks. I needed 20 yards from him to get a tie, or 30 yards or a touchdown. He managed 13 yards and several balls (teehee) bounced off his hands. That bastard. *shakes fist*
The Bowe picture is from here.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Baggage Game - Monday, September 13, 2010

You know the drill! Excess Baggage is here, and the episode is linked at the bottom. (Note: You really, REALLY need to see the Excess Baggage for this episode. Even if you don't normally watch the full episode, well, just trust me. It's good times.)  

Today we have Tabitha, who is 1) shockingly busty and 2) in a somewhat conservative blue dress that she is still popping out of. We are talking like, Salma Hayek level cleavage here. Good lord. Unfortunately though, her face looks so tightly wound that I'm almost positive they are implants. (I'm not philosophically opposed to implants, but seriously, why get them SO large that EVERYONE knows?) 

And true enough, when Jerry asks her about her background, she says she's the cellulite queen. She owns her own cosmetics company in Anaheim, California, so she has developed a cream that gets rid of cellulite (and grows your breasts, apparently). She wants a guy who loves to play Guitar Hero though, so I guess I have a shot! 

First up is Ted, who looks like Egon from Ghostbusters. He's from Santa Monica, but unfortunately, he is not a member of Everclear. Next up is an audio technician from Tacoma, Washington - Nate. He does look like he could have been in Everclear, but he sounds like a huge stoner. And finally, we have a property manager from Atlanta, named Myron. He is Wayne Brady, but younger, and minus the hilarious guest appearances on Chappelle's Show.

 
First Round
Ted: I make voodoo dolls of my ex'es. Nate: I wear guyliner every day. Myron: I spend six hours every day playing video games. Ted sounds pretty effing creepy and obsessive with that baggage. And keep in mind, that's his small baggage! He also brought one with him!!! Nate looks like a rock star, so this isn't surprising. Tabitha says it's kind of hot, which makes sense given her background. Tabitha is most concerned about the video game thing, and asks when he works and what not. But he retorts and remarks that he's at home with her at 2 a.m., playing video games, as opposed to playing games with her. oooooo.
Second Round
Nate: I'd rather ride my bike than have sex. Ted: I was rejected by a sperm bank. (Jerry says, "You have to find out why - Too many deposits?") Myron: I must get drunk before sex. The bike guy? Y'all got issues, dude. Tabitha says she can vaguely understand it if it's a motorcycle, but if it's a bicycle, that's just messed up. The sperm bank dude is actually the least worrisome of the three, since I'm under the impression that you have to be a superstar athlete or a genius to donate now. So, I'd eliminate the drunkard, since that's a pretty severe ailment to have. However, Tabitha is on an opposite wavelength from me (or she's just nutty and craves chaos) and eliminates the sperm bank guy. This turns out to be Ted, a.k.a. Egon, who reveals it was probably just because he's near-sighted. This makes Tabitha feel bad, but womp womp womp to her. Especially since Nate describes his love with the motorcycle as valid because it doesn't talk back or ask where you've been. Time for the hot spot! Nate describes himself as amazing in bed, he's never too old to "pick up a young girl" (???), his most sensitive body part is "yes", he's give Tabitha the nickname Kitty, and he's dated "a couple" girls at the same time. Myron loves breasts (well, lucky him!), he lied about being in love once, he wears boxers to bed, he's hook up with Sarah Palin (limited to politicans), and he's fooled around on a hotel balcony in Vegas.
Final Elimination Round
Nate: I slept with my brother's girlfriend. Myron: I dump girlfriends if they gain any weight. Ted (eliminated): I've paid for several prostitutes. So much for my defense of Ted a second ago. That would have been an immediate dealbreaker for me. Tabitha is annoyed with Nate (and the sudden lisp that he has) for sleeping with his brother's girlfriend. She seems more mild about Myron's baggage, and overall, he does seem like a more decent dude. (Or at least, he fakes it better than Nate, who sounds like a drug addict.) Tabitha makes her choice... and dumps Nate! Good for you, Tabby! It's rare that I agree with a choice that they make on the show, but Myron did seem like the better choice, given that he lacks a big rack. Anyway, Tabitha's baggage is one of the following: - I had an affair with a married woman. - I dated an 80-year-old man. - I faked a pregnancy to keep an ex. Well, the affair thing I'd be the most lax on. Not because it was with a woman, but because 1) she might not have known or 2) it could have been a couple years ago, when she was just going through a weird phase. The 80-year-old thing I could dismiss for similar reasons, although it suggests either serious gold-digging or daddy issues. The faking a pregnancy thing too seems like a "young girl" stupid mistake. So really, as far as Baggage goes, Tabitha's issues are pretty mild. Myron said he would have the most issue with the fake pregnancy thing, because of the deceit involved. Tabitha reveals her baggage to be... Dating an 80-year-old man! Myron says, "My grandma says people older than a certain age give you worms." Tabitha makes it worse for herself by saying the guy "met all her needs" and ran errands for her. (He's 80, what could he possibly have done for you? Moved your furniture?) However, Myron is a boob man, so he accepts her baggage. And in a rarity for this show, he gets a smooch on the cheek from her in the "after baggage" segment.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

A fall TV guide (with help from Carly Googles)

Hey, it's almost time for TV shows to get back on the air! :O It seems like just yesterday that they all ended in May. Where DOES the time go?

However, I'm psyched, since in just a few short weeks I will be able to devote massive amounts of my time (and this blog!) to new television. Some of these posts will take the place of The Baggage Game, which will disappoint some of you, but no doubt please Danielle and others who dislike it.

My friend Carly - and I can call her my friend, of course, because we're friends on Facebook - at Carly Googles already covered some of this ground. You can check out her awesome entry here. I'm going to focus on the shows I actually watch though, cribbing from her list and the Internet, like...

Archer - TBA 2011. The cartoon from Matt Reed, the guy who did Sealab 2021 and Frisky Dingo, was probably my favorite show from start to finish last year. The only bad thing was its short season length. I'm hoping they do a full 20-episode run this time, but since it is an FX show, I'm guessing that won't happen.

Community - Sept. 23 (Thurs.) Like the other NBC Thursday shows, we have another week to go for new episodes. SIGH. Given how the season ended, there are definitely a lot of different ways they can go with the start. It's definitely the tensest comedy from a character standpoint, given the minefield that awaits this year.

Family Guy - Sept. 26 (Sun.) I feel like each year, less and less of my friends watch. However, if you can accept that it's generally the same sort of formula for each episode, it's still pretty solid. Hey, it's only 22 minutes of your life, once you take away the commercials. There isn't enough funny in that short time to keep your interest? As "Funny" Dave Dameshek would say, SHAME!

Glee - Sept. 21 (Tues.) Sigh - It seems like so far away! Just one more week...

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Sept. 16 (Thurs.) This freakin' week! SCORE. I'm super excited.

Modern Family - Sept. 22 (Wed.) A week after Always Sunny, which seems appropriate to me. It's the best network sitcom going right now, even if I thought its last episode sucked. It really deserved all of the Emmys it won, though.

The Office - Sept. 23 (Thurs.) Much like Heroes last year, this is a make-or-break season of the show to me. If the first couple episodes are bad, I'm probably tapping out quickly. Even Dwight couldn't save some episodes last year, and he's normally the one go-to guy in terms of laughs.

Saturday Night Live - TBA (but if I had to guess, I'd say Sept. 25 or Oct. 2) This could be an interesting season, since they're (allegedly) replacing four or more cast members. Last season was pretty much sucky except for Betty White, which was surprising to me, because the previous year was pretty solid toward the end.

Shit My Dad Says - Sept. 23 (Thurs.) I really doubt that this show has any staying power. However, I'll at least give it a chance for a couple episodes. Shatner + Funny = Interest.

South Park - Oct. 6. Technically, this is a continuation of the season that began in March. I hate how South Park splits up their seasons into seven episode chunks, ugh. Just as you're getting into the show, it goes off the air for five months. It is still consistently 1) funny 2) socially relevant or 3) both.

The Venture Bros. - TONIGHT! My favorite cartoon on Adult Swim! I just wish they managed to produce more than an episode a month, seemingly. It is animated in an old school style that apparently takes effing forever. The wait is usually worth it, though.

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I'm positive I forgot some shows, but this is what's on my radar for now.

Steve In The City - Providence. ugh.

Sorry about the delay on this entry - I thought I had it all setup to post correctly last night. My buddy Mike was coming over, and we were leaving to go bowling with some other pals. (I broke my previous high score with a 117. Yes, I know that's pathetic - I really suck at bowling.) Apparently, it didn't post correctly, and I didn't notice until now as I went to work on tonight's entry. That entry will now be delayed a couple hours. Long aside over.

I really like Rhode Island, and New England in general. There is a nice mix of cities and rural area without the "holy shit traffic is so packed!" congestion you get in other places. A buddy and I got stuck in New York traffic for an hour once, and I decided at that point I could never, ever live in a huge city like that. I like being able to drive - it relaxes me - and the traffic would just bug me too much.

However, there is one area of Rhode Island I can't stand: Providence. At this point, I just throw my hands up when it comes to navigating the god forsaken place.

The first issue is that there is always construction going on. I can't keep up with it, and neither can the GPS. You basically have to live in the city to know what road is closed on what day and during what time frame. The problem is so frustrating that I've written about Providence's lack of street signs and clear directions in the past, and since then it's actually gotten worse.

As a result, I just park at the Providence Place Mall each time I go to Providence and walk where I need to go. (Providence has no mass transit to speak of.) On Friday, that meant walking about three-tenths of a mile to McFadden's, a restaurant slash bar. It was a work-related get-together with a bunch of other editors, and it was good times. Afterward, we went to Local 121, a bar / restaurant a couple streets over.

Odd thing about both places: The clientele. They were roughly the same. It was a bastardized mix of extras from a Ludacris video, guys who look like they came directly from their World of Warcraft raid, girls from the local colleges who were WAY overdressed considering the dudes there, the back-up cast of Jersey Shore and filthy hippies. I was always under the impression that places had dress codes and what not, but I guess I just watch too many movies.

Anyway, I obviously did make it back to my home, since I am here typing this. Sadly though, I had to use my GPS in my phone to find my way to the restaurant. Meaning I held it in my hand as I walked there. You'd never know that I've lived in Rhode Island for 26 years of my life...

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Pickin' Pigskin: Week 1, Part 1 - Let it beginnnnn!

So, I have my picks in, and joining me this year will be my buddy Matt. He goes to school out in Tulsa, or some god forsaken place like that, but he is originally from Minnesota and a Vikings fan. He'll be joined by returning pickers Bob and Kristin Hanson, who just celebrated their first wedding anniversary on Aug. 21. On to the picks!

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Steve: Well, so far we don't have a fifth contestant, folks. And I realize this will be a bit last minute, since we're on the eve of the football. But I ask you - ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? A MONDAY NIGHT PARTY?

Hey, remember when O.J. Simpson was a football commentator and a normal human being? I kind of do, except I realize that I probably shouldn't have any memories of this. I was 10 when he stabbed his wife, and I don't even think I followed football at that point. And heck, as Dana Carvey said, he sure was funny in those Naked Gun movies.

I thought of O.J. this week after it came out that Reggie Bush would probably be losing his Heisman Trophy. I found it interesting because on Sportscenter, they said it would be the first time someone was ever forced to give up the award. And O.J. killed two god damn people! Well, allegedly... except that he was found guilty in civil court... And nobody really believes that he didn't kill two people.

Anyway. My picks are kind of boring. Sorry. If you don't like them, well, go screw!

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Bob: Since you mentioned O.J., I’ll take this as an opportunity to plug the 30 for 30 series on ESPN. Although the last few of them to air are sitting on my Tivo, this has been a strong series and definitely worth a watch if you are unfamiliar. My favorites so far have been “June 17, 1994,” about the O.J. White Bronco chase, “The Two Escobars,” about soccer player Andrés Escobar and drug kingpin Pablo Escobar, “Run Ricky Run” about Ricky Williams, “The U” about Miami’s ascendency in college football, and “No Crossover: The Trial of Allen Iverson” (no explanation needed). I have liked most of the other ones, too, as they have all been both interesting and often featured things I did not already know about fairly notorious situations.

And speaking of Situations, how about Jersey Shore, everybody?! I can’t even describe anymore why I like this show, because most of the second season has been about an anonymous note that some of the roommates wrote to another roommate whose boyfriend (also a roommate) was blatantly cheating on her. Actually, I think I can describe why, even though that previous sentence probably didn’t sound very interesting if you don’t watch the show. The girl (who was being cheated on) is mad at the girls who wrote the note (who will not fess up to it even though it is obvious they did it) for screwing up her relationship with the guy (who would hook up with girls at clubs and then crawl in bed with her at the end of the night). So mad, in fact, that at the end of the last episode there was a fight!

Jwoww (a note writer) got into a fight with Sammi Sweetheart (the cheated upon girl) because Sammi Sweetheart said Jwoww was saying mean things about Rhode Island’s own Pauly D. Normally this wouldn’t have been very interesting, because Jwoww loves to fight and probably has a foot and 50ish pounds on Sammi Sweetheart. However, Ronnie (the cheater) knocked down Jwoww (this guy is a prime candidate for getting arrested for domestic assault, btw) in the midst of the fight, and as some of the other roommates held Jwoww back Sammi Sweetheart lands a solid punch on Jwoww. Unfortunately, that is where the episode ended.

I loved everything about writing that last paragraph.

Oh, and football! I feel very torn about this season. I think there are going to be some great games this year, because there seem to be more good teams than usual. The entire NFC East, three of the four AFC East teams, the Colts, Titans, and Baltimore, as well as (Super Bowl champions) New Orleans and Green Bay. In addition, the Vikings, Falcons, Steelers, Houston, Bengals, and 49ers all seem like they could be good, and there doesn’t seem to be a prime candidate for 1-15 right now. However, I just don’t feel great about the Patriots and their lack of a defensive line this year, so I fear this could be a long season considering the Dolphins and Jets look to be good.

And can I make a quick note on Tom Brady’s new haircut? Why????????

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Matt: So, I'm a little bit mentally distraught at A.) The Vikings playing while I am in class and B.) the impending Vikings implosion that will happen while I'm in class. So my commenting will be brief. Week 1 for the NFL is always sort of an awkward first date anyway, since no one is sure who actually tried in Week 3 of the preseason anyway. Needless to say, I'm dreading NFL week one from a Vikings stand point. At least college football has been good, with crazy steam-punk inspired Virginia Tech uniforms and my unfortunate Golden Hurricane losing on a last second hail mary pass. Maybe I've got to fully embrace the lower-quality, higher-excitement college football this year. Except the Gophers are terrible too. Consider Minnesota football a write-off in all forms.

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Kristin: Hello everyone! Hello fall!

So my initial reaction to Steve’s post was, “omg, wtf are they trying to take away Reggie Bush’s Heisman?!?” My first thought was, “Maybe it’s for promising to marry Kim Kardashian and not following through or maybe it’s for sleeping with her in the first place.” However, since obviously this crime does not hold a candle to O.J. and the most notorious crime of our childhoods (with the possible exception of Rodney King), I had to ask Bob what this was all about.

He said it was over some NCAA rule breaking BS. My thoughts on this are as follows:

1) Take the F*cking money. If ever in your life as a football player you are offered anything, take the f*cking money. You never know when the next run, the next game, the next hit will be the one to end your career and/or take years off your life. I fully support whatever unethical decisions he made to get himself as much money as possible.

2) The NCAA is shocked and saddened to learn that their darling did some unethical things to increase his exposure and his bank account. UMMMM, big F*CKING DUHHH!!! I, the girl who thinks that college football is for people that own tractors or bug spray with DEET or nothing better to fill their lives with, knew who Reggie Bush was. Now, how would I know who this dude is without some unethical shady somethin’ somethin’ going on. Aka, how do I know something the NCAA doesn’t? Liars.

So then Bob says, “Speaking of football, did you hear that Tom Brady got in a car accident.” I give him the, “hello!!???!!! My heart just stopped!!!! You better elaborate asap!!?!!” look. Apparently, he walked away from the accident (no surprise, even twisted metal can’t hold Brady down) and practiced today, but “the other guy” needed to be pried out by Jaws of Life.

My theory is this: maybe I should have given Giselle more credit than I have been. My initial thought was that she made Brady wear that idiotic haircut, which makes an otherwise fabulous specimen of a man an extra from That 70’s Show, to keep throngs of women from throwing themselves at her man. However, now I’m thinking that along with a body I would kill for (as long as I could have that ass and not also acquire her Yankees fan-dome, I would rather keep my own sorry ass and never cheer for NY) she also has ESP. She equipped her husband with a hair helmet so thick and shiny it protected his skull through a major car accident. Slightly unrelated, my other thought on this matter was an instant, “thank god our QB isn’t a raping dirt-bag that face-plants riding his stupid motorcycle.” That would be much worse.

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Steve Bob Kristin Matt
MIN at NO
(-6)
Saints Saints Saints Saints
CAR at NYG
(-7)
Giants Giants Giants Giants
ATL (-2.5)
at PIT
Falcons Falcons Steelers Falcons
CLE at TB
(-3)
Bucs Browns Bucs Browns
DEN at JAX
(-3)
Broncos Broncos Broncos Broncos
IND (-2.5)
at HOU
Colts Colts Texans Colts
MIA (-3)
at BUF
Dolphins Dolphins Dolphins Dolphins
DET at CHI
(-6.5)
Bears Lions Lions Bears
OAK at TEN
(-6.5)
Titans Titans Raiders Titans
CIN at NE
(-4.5)
Pats Bungals Patriots Patriots
ARI (-4)
at STL
Cards Rams Cardinals Cards
SF (-3) at
SEA
Seahawks Niners Seahawks 49ers
GB (-3) at
PHL
Eagles Packers Eagles Packers
DAL (-3.5)
at WAS
Redskins ‘Boys Redskins Cowboys
BAL at NYJ
(-2.5)
Ravens Ravens Ravens Ravens
SD (-5) at
KC
Chiefs Chiefs Chargers Chargers

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Baggage Game - Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Time for another bit of The Baggage Game. As usual, this episode can be viewed at the bottom of my entry, and the excess baggage interview session can be found here.

Today's contestant is Morgan, a therapist from Los Angeles, California. She kind of looks like what I imagine the little girl from The Cosby Show growing up into, instead of the real-life alien that possessed Raven's body with a vicious appetite. Or, if you want a more normal comparison, one of the girls from Sister, Sister. She wants a guy who is safe, sane, smart and sexy. Jerry says the fifth S, of course, is Springer. ba-dum-ching!

First up is Christian, a "business owner" from Naseau, Bahamas. If there is one thing I've learned from Baggage, it's that nobody's job title just describe what the eff they actually do. He does mention that he owns a beach house though, so he must be doing well. Smitty is next, a hunky high school teacher from Detroit, Michigan (and surprisingly not Boston, considering his name). He loves sports and the outdoors, which is not shocking in the slightest. Finally, we have Xander, an "Internet investor" from Sacramento, California. He's wearing a stupid paperboy hat and a pink / bright peach shirt, and a vest. I'm not sure if it's acceptable for me to hate someone for stupid wardrobe choices, but if so, he would qualify.

First Round

Christian: I speak to the dead with a Ouija board. (Jerry: What are they saying these days?)
Smitty: I never wear underwear.
Xander: I can't sit through a whole movie.


Christian says he started talking to the ghosts when he was 14 - Morgan doesn't seem as concerned with this as she should be. She's definitely thrilled though when the hunky Smitty reveals that he doesn't wear underwear, and as proof, slides his off as Jerry does the reveal. Meanwhile, she isn't impressed with Xander, and I wouldn't be either. What gives man, are you 11?

Second Round

Xander: I shaved a girlfriend's head after an argument.
Christian: I'm the authority on penis enlargement. (Jerry: I don't know which one it is, but if you could leave me your card...)
Smitty: I'm dating four women right now.


Oh wow. The head shaver would definitely be the dealbreaker for me, just because it's so wickedly vindictive. It narrows out the "four women" guy, although just barely, to me. I would figure I might be able to get them down to just me, because I'd be awesome. And the penis thing, ick. It's a little gross, but I would date a girl with breast implants, so if I was a woman, I don't think a guy who has done the enlargement thing would freak me out.

Morgan sides with me, and boots the headshaver, which turns out to be fidgety Xander. womp womp. Xander says his ex dared him to shave her head, and hey, that Morgan shouldn't worry, because it was just down the middle. Oh, well, if that's the case... Meanwhile, Christian actually wrote a book about how penis enlargement works. Ye Gods. At least Smitty is a beautiful bastard, and thus, it's understandable that he'd have four ladies. (He does come across as smug.)

Hot spot time! For Christian, Morgan isn't allowed to touch his computer, Sarah Palin would be his running mate (Morgan gapes at him), he wants women to notice his smile, he'd pass time in a bank vault with Morgan by talking about his book, and he hits on women by, well, just talking to them. Smitty would like to work out his anxiety issues, he used to be a fitness model, he adjusts his junk in the car and he gives two BS answers to other questions by Jerry.

Final Elimination Round

Christian: I've never had a girlfriend.
Smitty: I get drunk every single day.
Xander (eliminated): I've produced porn.


Whew - It's probably for the best that Xander got S-canned earlier. Smitty's baggage is the worst of the three, given that he is clearly a raging alcoholic. (Reminder: He's a schoolteacher.) Christian's baggage is just weird, since he's a decent looking guy, and he looks at least 30, and maybe close to 40. I'd definitely eliminate Smitty, and reluctantly go with Christian. If he was closer to 30, it would be more normal, but he's way too old to have never had a girlfriend.

Morgan, proving that she might actually be a decent therapist, chooses to send Smitty the Drunken Pity home. Woohoo! But she has baggage of her own, which could be...

- I've slept with 14 celebs.
- I was in a mental institution for a year.
- I have a $10,000 room just for pleasuring myself.


The celebrity thing actually wouldn't bug me, unless she was specifically going after them. She's easy on the eyes, so hey, why wouldn't a celebrity want to date her? The mental institution thing would be the most worrisome of the three, but I don't think it's true at all, given her current job. And the $10,000 room... Well, uh, that's actually kind of normal given the usual issues with this show.

Christian says he would have the biggest problem with the mental institution thing as well. Hey, high-five, mental brother! However, her actual baggage turns out to be the $10,000 answer. (See what I did there?) Christian worries that it's a lot of competition for him, but Morgan said he's welcome to participate. Hi-oh! Morgan says she's been celibate for two years, and the room is a way to stay healthy and what not. Of course, this isn't much of a real issue for Christian. He does the fake-out but accepts her baggage, and they embrace. (And by the way, he's about 7-feet tall, and she's barely 5-feet tall, which makes for a humorous camera angle.)








Pickin' Pigskin - Contestants wanted!

Wow - The NFL season has totally snuck up on me! It starts tomorrow! As I did last year, I will be picking games against the spread with my college buddy Bob, and his wife Kristin.

However! I've decided that in order to spice things up some more, it would be cool to have two more participants. It would be nice to have one person who's completely ignorant of football, and another who does like and follow the sport. If you're interested, please leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail at sgre6768@gmail.com. If I get more than two people interested, that's cool too.

You'd be responsible for picking about 15 games each week and writing a short or two paragraph, either about your picks or something random. (Bob and I usually talk about geek stuff.) It's a good way to get your name out there if you have a blog, or just like to be funny and what not. Also, the winner will get a trophy.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Inexplicable Video Game Review: Wherein I play Dragon Age wicked late

I love Bioware games, but I always lag way behind in playing them because of my dubious PC hardware. For example, I whipped through both Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic games, but I didn't start either until they were out for at least six months. I wasn't as enamored with Baldur's Gate 2, since it is definitely more Dungeons and Dragons style, but I did give it a pretty serious playthrough before abandoning it.

Therefore, please excuse me as I talk about Dragon Age Origins now, even though it actually came out in November 2009, and even the expansion pack has been out for six months, and actually, the sequel is due in March 2011. Hey, what can I say? I didn't get a PC capable of handling it until September 2009, and at that time and until I began my prep to move, I was still busy dealing with a glut of content from GameFly. (Speaking of, I have another backlog of content on there - Green Day Rock Band, Dragon Quest IX for DS, a bunch of PSP games...)

Anyway! The story varies slightly depending on what origin you chose, but essentially, you're the last of the Grey Wardens, who are not drably-attired prison guards, but rather, legendary heroes who are destined to clear the land of the Blight.

Easiest way to describe the Blight - Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Think of a huge mob of goblins and orcs and trolls, and you basically have the Blight, although Dragon Age gives them all different names for no discernible reason. This is especially confusing because humans are still humans, dwarves are still dwarves, and elves are still elves, although you do deal primarily with an off-shoot of them known as the Dalish. (Whatever - They still have pointy ears and fight primarily with arrows and magic.)

From that preceding paragraph, you can probably guess the general tone of Dragon Age. It is definitely a swashbuckling adventure, and you can play your character as a virtuous good guy (which I do, since my favorite Star Wars character is Luke Skywalker) or a vicious heel. I also play as a warrior that uses two swords and no shield, because like in basketball, I prefer to be all-offense and no defense. Rounding out my squad of four is a sly knight, a foxy redhead thief [right] that uses ranged attacks, and a mage that primarily serves as a healer.

Judging from a couple of the game guides I've read, I'd guess that I'm about half to two-thirds through the game, since I'm almost done with the four major quests that make up the middle portion. It's definitely worth checking out if you like the scope of epic games like Baldur's Gate, but hate all of the arcane rules and damage calculations.

Both pictures come from the excellent Dragon Age Wiki, which saved my bacon several times. You can check it out here.

Monday, September 6, 2010

The Baggage Game - Monday, September 6, 2010

Ah, back to the normal schedule for the glorious Baggage Game. As usual, if you want to play along, you can find the link to the episode at the bottom of this entry. The excess baggage for this episode is here. Let's play!

Tonight's contestant is Angelo. He is black with a bald head, and he looks pretty cool to me. However, he's a telemarketer from Norfolk, Virginia, which certainly doesn't sound that cool. His first potential date is Cassady (not a typo), a sales rep from Birmingham, Alabama. She's so sassy, Phil Hartman would immediately approve her for a Tiger Beat photo spread. She's also working on a book. Next is Jennifer, a make-up artist from Newport Beach, California. She certainly wears her work, as her eyes are caked in about 20 pounds of shadow. She looks like the chubby Valerie Bertinelli. And finally, there is Yunga, a voice teacher from Atlanta, Georgia. She looks and sounds like a tranny. So, uh, this isn't the greatest edition of the game ever from a T&A perspective.

First Round

Cassady: My men must wear lipstick.
Jennifer: I have a eflated breast implant. (Jerry says, "When I get a flat, I call AAA.")
Yunga: I eat three boxes of chalk a day.


Why the hell would you want your man to wear lipstick? Jerry asks the same thing, and Cassady gives a snotty answer about how he should be secure enough in his manhood to wear it. That's great, since it's basically a "yeah, but still" answer that has nothing to do with anything. Jennifer's 50 pounds of make-up worry me more than the 50 pounds she's lost in one boob. (Angelo asks how do you walk around with a girl who has one big breast and one little breast. Jerry says, "Just look at the big one.") As far as Yunga goes, what the fuck girl??? And she eats a piece of chalk on the show!

Second Round

Jennifer: I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend. (Jerry says, "Could be a two-fer.")
Cassady: I have an intimacy schedule. (Jerry: You just have to find an opening... in the schedule!)
Yunga: I steal meat from the grocery store.


Of these, the meat thing is the weirdest, but it wouldn't worry me as much as the intimacy schedule. Listen, I'm a passionate, passionate man. And the "still in love with the ex" thing would be the one I would chose to eliminate, even if it is with a woman. Why are you on the show then if you're still in love with someone else?

Angelo eliminates the meat girl though, and I can understand his reasoning. That's just so bizarre. It turns out to be Yunga, the chalk-eater who looks like a tranny. On her way out, she classy remarks that, "I might like to eat chalk, but that's not the only thing I like to put in my mouth." You stay classy, Yunga.

We move on to The Hot Spot. For Cassady, she likes fine wine over cold beer and hard liquor, she spits out a fat rhyme that impresses Angelo, she has talked about her ex on a date, she has a nipple ring (just one), and she likes being called dirty names in the bedroom. (Jerry says, "Sit down *****!") Jennifer prefers candles and rose petals over whips and chains, she has woken up with someone she doesn't know while drinking, she thinks she's funny, she writes to her ex'es behind her boyfriend's back, and she would give Angelo the nickname Angel.

Final Elimination Round

Cassady: I refuse to use any type of birth control.
Jennifer: I have 21 tattoos and want my entire body covered.
Yunga (eliminated): I was court ordered to get anger management counseling.


Well, it was nice to know you, Cassady. She says she's really ready to have a family, and she doesn't "dig" conventional medicine. As far as Jennifer, I'm not really into tats, but Angelo is. (Jennifer is wearing a long-sleeve jean jacket and pants, and isn't showing much skin.) Given her other answers, I'd chose Jennifer, although I probably wouldn't really be into either.

Angelo doesn't agree with me, and he sends Cassady packing. And, given that his baggage is one of the following three...

- I've impersonated a star athlete to score.
- I've impregnated nine women.
- My family has a restraining order out against me.


... it will be HILARIOUS if he has impregnated nine women. Wouldn't that just be SO perfect for Cassady? Personally, I'd find that the most concerning thing, but hey, maybe Cassady is really so desperate for a family, she doesn't care about the character of the dude slingin' it in her. The star athlete thing isn't that big of a deal at all, since we've all told silly lies at one point or another, and the family thing is understandable given the right circumstances.

Surprisingly, Cassady says the kids thing would worry her the most, and of course, that's what Angelo's baggage is. He says it was when he was younger, and he adds that it doesn't mean he has nine kids, as if this makes it better! Good God, man. Cassady says she's sorry, but she can't accept his (deadbeat) baggage. Good choice! She sends him off with a rap: "Hey yo Angelo, your rap was weak, and so were your condoms, freak."









Sunday, September 5, 2010

The First Annual Random Music Awards, hosted by Steve


To randomly celebrate by 550th post (this one right here), I thought the best thing to do would be to award some random songs. I am arbitrarily making up these categories as I sit here. If you're one of the artists, feel free to send me a check for $500 - for shipping - and I'll send you your glorious award. And everyone else, feel free to nominate others for some awards, or to heap glorious praise upon me for my 550th entry or just "me" in general.


- Best Love Song Involving The Holocaust: "Alive With The Glory Of Love" by Say Anything. First, I've always liked this band for the simple reason that its name is based on the absolute best John Cusack movie. Some people swear by High Fidelity, but that just gets hype because it's about music. He acts like a conceited asshole that entire movie. No, I much prefer Say Anything as a straight-up romantic comedy.

Second, I also like Say Anything because they have incredibly catchy songs like this... even though it involves the Holocaust, you know. I'm a sucker for just about any kind of pop punk, so this song and "Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too" are both good to move. (Although, this one is much, much better than the other.) Say Anything also does a neat cover of "I Got Your Money", which was originally done by Old Dirty Bastard. You can find it on Punk Goes Crunk, purchasable here. Speaking of covers...


- Best Acoustic Covers of Rap Music by a White Girl: Karys Rhea shushyermouth. I was originally going to give this award to Karys Rhea, a singer I really liked on YouTube who did a bunch of acoustic covers of artists like Usher, M.I.A., The Beastie Boys and others, but she took down all of her videos. Womp womp womppppp. So, while I support her still, because she has a nice voice and what not, I'm (not so secretly) disappointed that she took down all the covers. Shame!

Therefore, the winner by default is shushyermouth, mostly because I like her YouTube name, and even though she is Asian (maybe?) and not white. Her video is the one above. I was tempted a bit by the version by Karla Davis, but I didn't quite care for her rant at the beginning of the video. Just get to the coverin', not the moralizing!


- Best Music Video For A Song I Don't Like At All: "Come Into My World" by Kylie Minogue. YouTube must know that I don't really care for the song, since it won't let me embed the video, which you can watch here. The use of repetition in the video is awesome, and reminiscint of "Star Guitar" by The Chemical Brothers, except that's a song I actually like. And because I can actually link that video, you can see it above. (Sorry, Kylie. I still think you're mad attractive though.)


- Best Job Deciphering Daft Punk Tunes: tombola2004. It's linked above. All I can say is, good work. That's a job well done, tombola2004. It's a proud day for your family.


- Best Chorus In An Otherwise Bad Song: "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To" by Weezer. The lyrics from this song are horribly whiny and wimpy, but that chorus? That's good times. I don't give an eff about Rivers eating meatloaf even though he don't eat meat.


- Best 1990s Song That Almost Everyone Universally Likes: "No Diggity" by Blackstreet. We used to play this song all the time at college parties, because girls liked to dance to it (and girls liked to dance when they were drinking) and because it was one of the few rap songs my prickly roommate liked.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

I have a kitten.

I have a kitten.

Although, to be perfectly honest, The Kitten belongs to my roommate. Minnie (the name of The Kitten) is a little less than a year old, so as a result, she loves to stay up late at night with me, and sleep through most of the day. As a result, I feel like I do have to take some ownership in the cat.

So, yes, I have a kitten. By continually repeating this statement, it invokes in my mind the beautiful "I have a dream" speech by Martin Luther King Jr. However, The Kitten is more like a consistent, nagging nightmare.

Don't be fooled by how cute she is in the photos I've attached - she is vicious. Lately, her favorite thing to do is to bite and scratch at my toes while I'm playing Starcraft 2 in the living room. This is doubly annoying, since 1) it messes up where I am in the game and 2) the little effer has sharp teeth. She managed to draw blood the last time she bit. What a savage!

Beyond biting at my feet, she also likes to dig her claws in whenever I try to move her from someplace she's not supposed to be. You know, like on my laptop computer. The other week I got a nice gash in my thigh for my efforts. She also likes to do cute things like climbing on top of the couch, jumping on my shoulder, and then clawing at my ear.

Lately, she has also taken to biting the computer cord to my Macbook. On one hand, a dark part of me kind of wants to see what would happen if she bit through it. But, this probably wouldn't go over well with the roommate, and besides, it still is just a cat. (We're both hoping she mellows out as she gets older, which is what happened with my roommate's other cat, Cleo, who is now six or seven years old.) I'm probably going to look into some Apple Bitter or another, similar product to get her to knock it off.

Speaking of the other cat, The Kitten LOVES to chase her. By "chase", I mean that she will try to chase Cleo, who will then hiss at her and smack her in the face. Even though Cleo doesn't have front claws, she's a bit bigger, and just generally more intimidating than The Kitten, who can't meow, just purr.

So anyway. That's the story of me and The Kitten. I'll be back to the regular entries on Baggage on Monday, and switching back to the more normal Monday-Wednesday-Friday production schedule for the game for the rest of the month, hopefully. Lates!

Friday, September 3, 2010

The Baggage Game - Friday, September 3, 2010

I hope you all enjoyed the temporary respite that Legends of the Hidden Temple provided last night, because night, it's back to messed up dating! :D To watch this episode, check out the bottom of the entry. For the extra baggage with the dater, click here. And the picture to the right comes from here.

Today's dater is Michael, a medical spa consultant from Cleveland, Ohio. This sounds like another fake job that they have regularly on the show, except that Jerry actually asks him what it is. Nice follow-thru, Jerry! Michael explains that it is his job to make men and women "look better and feel better." This basically makes him sound like a whore. He is very, very pretty looking.

The first potential date is Kathleen, a teacher from Palm Harbor, Florida. She's an attractive blonde, but looks close to 40. Next is Farib, a marketing executive in a cute zebra-print dress from Denver, Colorado. And finally, there is Thao, a makeup artist from Fountain Valley, California. Her (ample) chest is squeezed so tightly by her low-cut pink dress that it is in danger of becoming a FCC violation if she breathes heavily. Despite this garish attire, she is the cutest of the three.

First Round

Kathleen: I wear three bras at once.
Farib: I can't swim. (Jerry says, "Is that really a problem?" I'm with him.)
Thao: I only eat Asian food. (Note: She is Asian.)


Kathleen's baggage is certainly... odd. Her chest does look a bit padded. Kathleen said she made the switch when she got into trampolining (?) and said it helps keep her breasts perfect. Farib said she's afraid of water a bit, since a traumatic, near-drowning incident as a kid. Meanwhile, Thao's baggage is already annoying. Seriously, NOTHING but Asian food? Howdareyou.

Second Round

Kathleen: I'm bankrupt and live with my mother. (Jerry quips, "I'm not sure which one is worse.")
Farib: My best friend Lisa is imaginary. (Jerry says, "If you think about it, that's a threesome.")
Thao: I've dated men in jail. (Jerry, who is absolutely on fire, notes, "So have most of the guys in jail." ZING!)


Note - All of these women are grownups, so that thing with the imaginary friend? Simply unacceptable at this point. Likewise, the "bankrupt and live with my mother thing" is concerning, since all of them look at or near 30 years of age. Therefore, the jail thing would be the least concerning thing to me, which isn't something I say every day.

By the way, Michael sucks as a contestant. He is pretty, but he has the personality of my left cheek, and even that one is my uncreative one. He doesn't have much to say about the baggage, and he chooses to eliminate the imaginary friend girl, which I probably would have sided with as well. This turns out to be Farib, who said that she and Lisa debated, and Mike is too short for her anyway. (Then, in her post-interview, she says that his turquoise shirt doesn't turn her on anyway. Ouch!)

The interviews are a train wreck. Kathleen is close to 40, as previously stated, and she says that her house is in foreclosure "because I have a lifestyle I need to maintain." As what? Carrie Bradshaw? Meanwhile, Thao is bangin' prisoners, and her voices sounds like a ruptured bag of helium. Good times, good times. Michael is clearly more impressed with Thao, and I would be as well, although I'm not enamored with either one.

Time for the Hot Spot! Kathleen's greatest passion is her son (ick, how is that not baggage?), she waxes, she's had sex on a race track, chocolate is her biggest weakness, and the best thing she does sexually is "show up." Thao describes her sex life as hot, she bites her nails, her parents don't know that she posed naked, she can contort in bed and if she wrote a book about herself, it would be called Dangerous. Michael says he loves the edginess of Thao, to which Jerry remarks, "I bet you do."

Final Elimination Round

Thao: I cheated on each of my 14 boyfriends.
Kathleen: I broke up a marriage.
Farib (eliminated): I've never orgasmed before from a man.


Similar to the other week, Kathleen's baggage isn't that concerning to me, assuming she didn't know. She then reveals that she DID know, and said that even if they're married, why should she hold that against them? This answer just makes me think she's a pathological nut, of course. So oddly, Thao's baggage is more reassuring to me. I'm cocky enough to think that I'd be the guy to break the streak, whereas Kathleen clearly doesn't possess the maturity to be a decent mate. (And by the way, SHE HAS A KID. She's a mom and she's this much of a mess!)

Whew. Anyway, "Mr. Personalty" Michael ends up choosing Thao, and eliminates Kathleen. So, at least he has the common sense to agree with me. On her way out, Kathleen says, "Clearly Michael, you're all looks and no brains." Because really, when you're a 40-year-old with a kid, living at your mom's house with a padded bra and no money, you need to be fawned over. Anyway, Michael's baggage is one of these three:

- I was paid $1,000 to sleep with three cougars.
- I have a diaper fetish.
- I've been to rehab nine times.


If I was a lady, the diaper thing would be the worst by far, but all three would be dealbreakers. The prostitution thing, ick - Because if they need to pay you, they aren't attractive. And rehab nine times suggests an ongoing, persistent problem. Dr. Drew normally recommends that people in recovery not date for a year, and Michael doesn't seem like the most disciplined, cerebral guy.

Thao says she would have the biggest problem with the rehab thing, although she notes that the diaper thing would be "creepy" too. She said too many of her friends have been lost to drugs and alcohol, so the rehab thing would be a big deal. (This makes me like her more.) But surprisingly, Michael's baggage is that he slept with the cougars, which makes Thao burst out laughing. Michael gives a one-word explanation: Vegas. He said he was drunk, and they put the money on the table, and he took it because it paid for his trip. But Thao said that he was OK with her cheating, so she accepts his baggage. They actually seem to have some chemistry with one another, so hey, maybe it'll work out.








Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Legend of Legends of the Hidden Temple - S01E01


Ages and ages ago, in a time known as 1993, there debuted the greatest game show of all-time: Legends of the Hidden Temple. It combined the greatest loves of children everywhere - stupid swimming events, fake historical artifacts, Mayan horn music and a maze full of weird pedophile guards that left you alone if you had a medal.

Recently, I acquired the full run of Legends of the Hidden Temple - Three seasons, 120 total episodes. I've decided to use these as a bit of a break from Baggage. While the replay value isn't as high as a show like Wild and Crazy Kids, because the peaks weren't as high, the show was consistently better.

This is apparently even from the start, although as I allude to in my first paragraph, that first water event always sucked. One to three teams would always breeze through the event, while the other kids, who clearly couldn't swim, struggled to paddle their way across a small pool. Likewise, the little quiz they had about the day's relic, Blackbeard's Treasure Map, had kids just randomly guessing, and it took about 40 tries to get the two winners.

Anyway, on to the two winning teams! James is on the Red Jaguars, along with Sabrina, who kind of looks like a boy. (Sorry Sabrina.) They're opposed by the Silver Snakes, which was always my favorite team. The third-round half-medal games are also a bit better, as they rely on pushing a cannon ball up a hill backwards, and climbing up a wall to put together a relic. The medal game, which has the teams working a see-saw pulley to assemble a flag, ends in a tie. Unfortunately, those pesky Jaguars beat my Silver Snakes. (Check Sabrina's papers! I think we have a Caster Semenya situation going on.)

Finally though, we get to the best part of the game - the freakin' temple itself! I always got annoyed at players in the future seasons, who clearly had never ever seen the show, since they would easily get lost. However, since this was the first ever episode, they deserve a break. Sabrina gets an especially tough break, as a guard takes her medal in the very first room, one of the trapdoors she tries to open doesn't work at all, and she gets lost in the temple. James doesn't even get to go in at all. Womp womp womppppp.

Also, is it weird that the grand prize for the show was a trip to the Cayman Islands? The show was shot in Orlando, Florida, so the kids were already on vacation. Why did they need yet another vacation?

Note: Sorry about the lateness of this entry, but I had a trivia contest I was in at a local bar tonight, and it ran late. This entry was supposed to auto-post, but something went haywire. I blame Hurricane Earl.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Baggage Game - Wednesday, September 1, 2010

For this episode, check out the bottom of this entry. You can find the excess baggage here.

Ah, yet another installment of The Baggage Game! As usual, please hold your applause. Today's dude is Marcus, who is black, bald and studly looking. Kind of like a smaller Pedro Cerrano from Major League. (Actually, he looks more like Tim Meadows, now that I examine him more closely.) He is a clerical worker from Moreno Valley, California, which sounds utterly fascinating. He's looking for a "ride or die" chick - wtf? You're a clerical worker.

First up is Dawn, a fitness expert from Mankato, Minnesota. She likes a guy "not afraid to get dirty." She is tall, brunette, pretty yet generic. Next is Michelle, an optometrist from Ashton, Maryland. She likes skydiving and exploring new cultures, and wants a man who can drive a stick shift. Finally up is Jessica, an ex-sports business executive from Mexico City, Mexico. That's probably the weirdest background I've seen yet for a contestant, but hey, good for her.

First Round

Dawn: I love popping other people's zits.
Michelle: I've spent over $8,000 on shoes in two years.
Jessica: I talk to my mom at least 40 times a day.


Whew boy! First, Dawn - I've actually run into this before. Not zits, but I've had ex'es who like to scratch at scabs and what not on my body. It's weird, but it wouldn't necessarily stop me. Michelle obviously is making some money to afford all those shoes. And Jessica, wow. That would worry me the most.

Second Round

Dawn: I'm afraid of French kissing.
Michelle: I take four hours to get ready. (Jerry says, "At least you know she's a woman.")
Jessica: I dumped a marine while he was overseas.


The kissing thing? Good lord. That would worry me the most of these three, followed by the "four hours to get ready" thing. That's insane. The marine thing, well, I could understand that. Sometimes you just need to break with someone, regardless of the timing, unfortunately.

Marcus chooses to eliminate the marine girl though. You know, because he wants a "ride of die" chick, after all. Jessica turns out to be the eliminated one, which doesn't bug me so much because of the mom thing. However, she does have a good explanation - They hadn't been together that long. Meanwhile, Dawn was my favorite going into this round, but afraid of French kissing? :/ Yikes!

On to the hot spot. If Dawn and Marcus wrote a romance novel together, it would be called freaky fun, and she prefers phone sex over making a sex tape; she also says she would mac and cheese (as a late night snack?), she splurges on groceries, and as a strange talent, she can make her butt wiggle. Michelle would be Sex on the Beach if she was a mixed drink, she'd in Smooth and Sensual with Marcus, a guy can sweep her off her feet by being adventurous and funny and charming, and her signature sex move is being able to do a crabwalk position, or something.

Final Elimination Round

Dawn: I bring my pastor along on dates.
Michelle: I'm desperate to get pregnant... now. (Jerry quips, "You have to let us finish the show first.")
Jessica (eliminated): I crashed five cars in one month.


Well, there goes my future with Dawn. It gets worse, as she admits the pastor is HER DAD. Eff that noise. Michelle's baggage is at least a little more tolerable, and suggests that she wants commitment, which I'm into. Marcus says the making a baby now thing freaks him out, but Jerry points out that he has at least four hours. Jessica didn't really get a chance to explain her baggage, which is probably for the best, seeing what it is.

Marcus goes with Michelle, and Dawn reacts a bit angrily on her way out. Hopefully she can be forgiven by her pastor - I think she knows where he is. hi-oh! Anyway, Marcus' baggage is one of these three:

- I stood someone up at the altar.
- I won't move out of my mother's house.
- I have three DWIs.


Hm... The three DWIs would bug me the most, because it suggests a bad thought process, even if it was from when he was younger. I can vaguely understand getting two, but a third one is just unacceptable. The mom thing, it would depend on the reason. If she's sick, or she has a 40-room mansion, I might understand. If he's a bum, I say FEH. The altar thing I wouldn't like, but I might understand it a little.

Michelle says she's uncomfortable with the mom thing. "If we're trying to make some babies here, I can't have mom upstairs or downstairs." And of course, his baggage is the thing about his mother's house! mwhahaha. Marcus says his mom cooks for him, and cleans for him, and if Michelle lived with him, hey, they'd have a built-in babysitter! When pressed by Jerry about whether he'd move out if he got married, Marcus STILL says no. Wow! Michelle rejects him, as anybody with a pulse would have done. (Afterward, Jerry laughs a bit and says, "Good job!", as the show fades out.)









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