The Baggage Game: Friday, August 20, 2010

Welcome to The Baggage Game! It's an exciting day, as we're into the second season episodes, at least here and there. Helen is today's contestant, and she's a tour guide "at a major theme park" in L.A. She looks Asian, and she is wearing a tight pink dress. And indeed, she says that she is a tour guide fluent in Chinese and Mandarin.

Eric is an industrial salesman from L.A. He sounds like an Adam Sandler character. John is a restaurant manager from Huntington Beach, California. He's got a lot of facial hair but a receding hairline. And finally, there is Shane, a construction superintendent from Ohio who feels the need to not button his top button.

First Round
Eric: I have 24 snakes in my home.
John: I have disgusting size-15 feet.
Shane: I wear my girlfriend's make-up and jewelry.

I hate snakes, so that would be a huge deal to me. Eric says the fastest way to a girl's heart is with a snake. Jerry says, "But what if you keep your pants on?" Hi-oh! John's baggage is kind of "meh" to me; so what, he has big feet. Shane's baggage is weird, but it fits with his metro image. (As I was typing that, Jerry brought it up. Oh, you're so sly!)

Second Round
John: I use online classifieds to get laid.
Eric: I used my girlfriend's toothbrush to clean the toilet.
Shane: I'm a bedwetter.

Hands down, the toothbrush thing is the worst to me. Bedwetter... Gosh. That's horrible too, but I imagine they could get it under control with medication. And, at least it's not a malicious thing like the toothbrush thing. As far as the online classifieds, that could be understandable to me, considering the circumstances.

But wow, Helen eliminates the classifieds guy instead! This ends up being John with the giant feet. And he clarifies that he just uses it to find dates... and then says that he doesn't like flat-chested girls anyway. Meanwhile, Eric is a huge goon, and says that he is happy that he used the toothbrush, because the girl cheated on him. Shane explains that the bed-wetting only happens when he's been drinking a lot.

In a new development, Jerry now peppers them with questions between rounds. Eric has to watch football all-day on Sundays, has had sex on top of an ambulance, would like to have sex with Charlize Theron and wrote a girl's name in the sky from an airplane. Shane describes his sex life as fast, he'd trade places with Johnny Depp, grades himself an 11 as a lover, can't live without beer and wishes he was a little bit taller.

Final Elimination Round
Shane: I live with my ex in her one-bedroom apartment.
Eric: I will sleep with ANY woman.
John (eliminated): I abandoned my date in the desert.

Note: In a departure from the first run of episodes, the baggage for all three contestants is being revealed, even if one has been eliminated.

Eric says that he has never cheated on an ex, and Shane says he would definitely move out if he got a new girlfriend. Both are kind of skeevy and gross to me. Eric gives his final pitch and comes off like a goon once again, whereas Shane just seems like a lame stoner. Helen goes with... Eric! Although, in a game like this, there are only losers. Eric gives her a huge, sweeping hug. Helen's baggage is one of these three:

- I take six anti-depressants a day.
- I was born a boy. (Both guys freak the eff out at this possibility.)
- I spent 18 months in a Bangkok prison.

Oh boy. Well, the "born a guy" thing is definitely the most concerning. If they still have a schlong, or can't have kids naturally, then both are a no-go for me. If it was one of those REALLY young sex changes, which they sometimes have to do, then I might be more receptive. But most likely, I wouldn't be into it. The prison thing sounds bad, except that I have a feeling you can get thrown in the clink pretty easy in Bangkok. The anti-depressant issue would make me pause, but I think I'd give it a shot at least.

The boy thing freaks out Eric as well, and Helen reveals... that she is a boy! And she still has a wang! Oh boy. While the crowd claps, Eric looks like he is going to throw up. While he's nice in letting her down, he does reject her baggage. (Noting that "the surgeon did a hell of a job.")