Friday, August 6, 2010

The Baggage Game: Friday, August 6

Today, we have Kristen, who is ridiculously busty. Like, we're talking Always Sunny In Philadelphia level, when Dennis wants to "get really weird with it" when it comes to finding a lady with a large chest. Kristen is like a taller, bustier version of Katy Perry, if you can imagine that. And yet, she's a graphic designer and in Chicago? She's not excessively thick, either. She says she wants a guy with big lips - for kissing. (What an odd request.)

First up is Adam, a business owner from Australia, who likes snowboarding and mixed martial arts and what not. How stereotypical! Peter, a personal trainer from Ontario, Canada (or California), comes off as superrrrr gay, with his frosted hair, fake tan, bright orange shirt and weird accent. He adds that he is very sensitive and close to his mother. The final dude is Ron, a "really loyal guy" who is a financial consultant from New York. He seems like the dreamiest of the three, and Kristen adds that they're all very attractive. (No comments about their lip size yet though.)

First Round

Adam: I own 15 dogs.
Peter: I can't get a credit card.
Ron: I make women shower before sex.

Ron's baggage seems borderline-psychopath, so it's a good idea he is a gorgeous bastard, since an ugly guy doesn't ever get away with it. His is definitely the worst of the three to me. Peter's baggage reeks of despiration. He says he has a good job now, but it doesn't sound entirely convincingly, and Kristen rightly points out that him paying all his bills with cash is not the way for him to restore his credit. Adam reveals that he breeds dogs, which seems... weird to me. A hard round for the three of them, as all three are pretty significant red flags to me, and we've barely started.

Second Round

Peter: I have a small penis. (Jerry says, "I'm just quoting here," proving again why he is the perfect host for this show.)
Ron: I don't believe in God.
Adam: I pee in my sink. (Jerry says, "At least this guy doesn't have to be close to the sink." Zing! He's on fire!)

Of the three, the small penis thing would be the biggest dealbreaker to me (as a woman!), but these three things actually don't seem as bad to me as the previous three items of baggage. Unsurprisingly, Kristen eliminates the penis guy, and tries not to laugh while doing it. Peter is the one with the small penis, which doesn't seem shocking for some reason.

Ron explains that he had a perfect GPA and was ranked near the top of his flight school, and that he's a gentleman, and I may have just fallen a bit in love with him. In contrast, Adam goes the opposite direction, and says that Kristen shouldn't pick him as compared to Ron, because he's a bad boy and what not. He has an Australian accent, so I immediately think of Mel Gibson, and hey, that worked out perfectly, right?

Final Elimination Round

Ron: My longest relationship has lasted three weeks.
Adam: I expect my girlfriend to cook and clean for me.

Kristen is downright pissed by Adam's baggage. She said she doesn't cook unless it is Saturday date night, and his pithy remarks don't seem to salvage things. Meanwhile, Ron seems like a narcissist with his remark. Kristen says, "Oh god!" to his baggage, and Jerry says, "Not in his house." Man, Jerry should get to date her, nevermind these two dudes. In contrast from other episodes, Kristen walks over to Ron's baggage and closes it shut - Quite assertive of her! Anyway, her baggage is one of the following:

- I'm a phone sex operator.
- I demand a pre-nup agreement.
- I lost $500,000 in Vegas.

Of these, the phone sex operator thing is more worrisome than the other two, since the other two at least imply that she's got something going on in the money department. But phone sex operator? Meh.

Adam says the pre-nup thing is most worrisome to him, because he strikes him as her not having trust in the future. Of course, this is what Kristen's baggage is, because she is coming into a lot of money soon. Adam accepts the baggage anyway, citing how accepting she was of his baggage. Awww. Good luck with Mel Gibson 2.0, Kristen.

The Katy Perry pic is from this web collection of her.


  1. If I was the character picking, I would have ditched all 3 of them.

    And phone sex operator is a pretty good job. You just sit there and make the appropriate moaning noises and say the right things while painting your fingernails. Prenups are the way to go.

  2. @ Amanda - First off, I like the new Blogger display pic / headshot thingy! Very nice :)

    And second, I imagine that being a phone sex operator must be so soul-crushing. You basically exist to get guys to beat off, at a rate of $10 to $15 an hour. I think it would *have* to lead to problems with your own relationships as well, if your "work" consisted of talking about sex and listening to people talk about sex 40 hours a week.

    When I worked at Dunkin' Donuts, I hated coffee, donuts and even sweet, sweet lover cream cheese after a few months. I'd hate to get that same way about sex.

  3. I knew a phone sex operator and (while I don't use this term for anyone- even plain people- because it's mean) she was downright fugly. I mean, just... ew. And she didn't even have a nice voice. But she told some interesting stories and that made me like her.

    I've never seen this game, but I wish they did a follow up episode where he's talked her into blowing all her money on a game room for him.

  4. I like you. You're funny. And I mean that. This post was hilarious, although I would probably have enjoyed it more if I knew what show it came from or something. I'm lame, but that's my problem, not yours.

    Oh, but I see that you're a Gleek...


    Well, we'll just see how this following thing works out. :)

    *Don't worry. I won't hold it against you... probably.*

  5. Best of luck to them! I think they have an excellent shot at making things work. They have so much in common! Their kids are going to be beautiful.

    Just kidding.

  6. @ Pixie - The show is ridiculously campy and awesome. You can actually watch episodes of it online now:

    Yeah, the thing about the phone sex operator is that you have no idea who is on the other end; I imagine this might be a turn-on for some dudes. In the age of the Internetz and "free" pornograpy though, I'm surprised phone sex remains a big business.

  7. @ Christina - Aw, why thank you! I'm a fan of your work as well, since I'm following your blog and all that jazz. Check out the above link I shared with the Sewing Pixie, which provides the shows for online streaming.

    As far as being a gleek, plz, don't judge me ;_; I'm very hetero and manly otherwise, I'll have you know.

  8. @ Jen - At least the kids might have a shot, since they're presumably be raised by nannies and babysitters, and not their horrible parents.

  9. OK: I know this is going to sound stupid, but this is a sincere question: is Kristen a fictional character? If no, may I please ask someone to post her last name? The way she is described has piqued my interest.



  10. @ Robert - They claim that everyone on the show is real, and I actually have found two of them online, and even talked to one of them. So yeah, she exists somewhere. I typically try to find them online if I can, but I couldn't with her. (It's my reporter nature acting out.)

    Unfortunately, GSN doesn't have this specific episode linked, since they don't have most of the first season up. So, you'll have to wait for a repeat if you can.

  11. Thanks, Steve. I found zillions of images for Kristin Chenoweth. She looks very attractive. I'm trying to be coy here, not sure why.

    p.s. your post about working at Dunkin' Donuts still has me chuckling


  12. @ Robert - Do I know you? I can't tell, haha. And no need to be coy about Chenoweth, because she is quite easy on the eyes, and talented to boot.

    And thanks!


Try not to be too much of an ass, unless completely necessary. You are subject to tyrannical moderation.


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