Monday, August 16, 2010

The Baggage Game: Monday, August 16, 2010

As a programming note, new episodes of Baggage return today - They're on weeknights at 6:30 EST, with a replay at 9:30. However, because I don't want to undercut Game Show Network, I'm going to finish with the first season of episodes before moving on to the new ones. From this entry on, all episodes will be embedded at the bottom of the entry, but as a warning they do go down frequently, and sometimes don't work for overseas viewers.

Anyway, on to today's game! The dater is, uh... some older lady. Actually, the recording was a bit buggered up today, and it started right as they were going to the first commercial break. So, I didn't get to hear the hometowns or explanations for the daters, who are Richard, Paul and Andre. And, it comes out that her name is Maggie, which is always a solid name, and she's a teacher, which is normally good.

First Round

Richard: I constantly have my hand down my pants.
Paul: I've had cosmetic surgery.
Andre: I only have sex with the lights on.

Of these, Richard and Andre's baggage would freak me out the most because of the severity. You *constantly* have your hand down your pants? You never have sex with the lights off? C'mon, how about some romance, old dudes? No wonder you're single. At least Paul is trying to better himself, and it's working a bit, since he looks like a thinner George Clooney.

Second Round

Paul: I must have my nipples bitten during sex.
Andre: I live with two tigers and TEN pitbulls.
Richard: I'm 54 and I live with my parents.

Maggie looks really pissed about the nipples thing. Holy hell, that is some weird baggage. She shakes her head about the tiger and pitbull. And she openly gapes her mouth at the parents thing. All three are really pathetic to me, and I'd want to eliminate all of them. The parents thing could be the most understandable, but ONLY if the person was taking care of them because they were so elderly. This is indeed why Richard is doing it, and now, Maggie feels bad. Womp womp womppppp.

Springer laughs about the remaining guys, saying that unfortunately, Maggie can only chose one of them. mwhahaha. Again, he's the perfect host for this madness. Anyway, Paul described his nipple fetish, which sounds freaky. Andre leers at Springer and Maggie as they talk about his animals. (Note: Andre is not Mike Tyson.) However, he explains that he works in animal rescue and rehab, so awwwww. The two dudes spar verbally, and Paul says, "I might not be able to cook beef wellington, but I can heat up a pot pie in the microwave!" I have no effing clue why he thought this was a selling point for himself. (If any ladies are reading this though, lemme just say that I can cook up some mean Easy Mac.)

Final Elimination Round

Andre: I've built a bomb shelter for the Apocalypse.
Paul: I want to get married and have children now.

Paul is an older dude, so it kind of makes sense. Maggie and Springer seem a little freaked out by him though. Springer quips, "Not until after the show." But, then Andre reveals his baggage, and he sounds like an absolute friggin' nut with his explanation, which relies on him referencing how he travels and knows the "government situation" abroad. He seems like a character Nic Cage would play in a movie.

Anyway, Maggie goes for Andre the Survivalist and Animal Lover. To be honest, both of them seem pretty shifty and weird, and I wouldn't be surprised if Maggie wanted to reject both. (She even remarks, "Both of them are pretty weird.") Her baggage is revealed to be one of the three:

- I slept with my therapist.
- I stole a handicapped placard to get VIP parking.
- I wear adult diapers.

Ick. The diapers would definitely be the dealbreaker for me, seeing as how I'm 26 and not 66. (Andre is also scared by the diapers, and I have no idea how she could be a schoolteacher and be wearing diapers.) The placard thing would bug me as well, unless there is a good, funny story attached, whereas the therapist thing reflects more poorly on the therapist than Maggie.

Of course, that is TOTALLY her baggage, and in her baggage briefcase is a pair of the diapers. ICK. She remarks, "If I start laughing, or I'm just nervous or something, I pee in my pants." She is very non-chalant about this, which is doubly concerning. Despite this though, Andre accepts her! This makes me wonder if he just wants the free dinner.

The John McCain image is from this blog entry.


  1. I have to wonder what kind of potpie cooks properly in the microwave.

  2. Oh Lord have mercy. I love reading these posts, but, seriously, it does make me more and more concerned about the dating pool out there. The diaper thing is ew and sad. Couldn't she have surgery for that or something?

    The men: Ummmm, yeah, I agree with you--if someone has to constantly have something a certain way, with no flexibility, then you've got yourself a big red flag. And, come on, always having to have his hands down his pants? Mega Ick! What kind of freak is this guy? And the nipple biter--um, there are no words.

    What the heck happened to, you know, romance? Okay, I'm done babbling now. :)

  3. @ Amanda - I'm not sure either, but let me know when you're coming over for Easy Mac ;)

  4. @ THE Frisky Virgin - I'm with you on the surgery. She was older, but probably just mid-40s, so you think she'd want to get that addressed if she could.

    With all of these guys out there, your decision is looking less questionable by the day ;)

  5. They should rename this show 'Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool'! Very brave of Maggie to admit on television that her idea of sexy underwear is a a nice bulky adult diaper. I can only imagine how much that much turn the guys on... Very clever of you Steve to work a date invitation into your reader comments. You go dude!! xo The Empress


  6. @ Empress - To be fair to Maggie, her diaper did look more like underwear than a diaper, but still. It was a gross, odd moment.

    And, the date invitation is tongue in cheek ;) I will note here that I do go on dates (with women), but I don't like to blog about it, since it's a horrible idea to do that. At least, in my experience.

  7. What is it about John McCain? He's just so inherently funny to me. Is it the fact that he's a cranky old man and that I know if he were my neighbor, he'd be screaming at me to turn down my music? That photo will be making me giggle for a while now!

  8. @ Sadako - I agree with you. McCain is just a silly, funny man. He was also surprisingly good on SNL, back before he lost his mind and sold his principles out.

  9. My baggage would be that I CAN'T make Easy Mac.

    I bow before your Easy Mac cooking skillz.

  10. @ Amber - If you think that's impressive, just wait until you see what I can do with a package of ramen... (Answer: Not much.)

    I actually do better with roasts, since you can just throw them in the oven and walk away for a couple hours. I've cooked a leg of lamb before, with great results.


Try not to be too much of an ass, unless completely necessary. You are subject to tyrannical moderation.


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