Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Baggage Game: Wednesday, August 4

Today's dater is Lou, an independent contractor from Cleveland. He says "outgoing is good, because I don't do shy well!" He certainly does seem like a slick-mouthed mofo right off the bat, although I do like the light blue shade of his shirt, which is similar to the aqua shirt I'm wearing in seemingly every photo taken of me out and about.

First contestant is Beth, a blonde forensic specialist from Dallas in a really, really bright and shiny purple top. It kind of looks like a grape disco ball. Next up is a preschool teacher from Birmingham, Alabama - Audra. I don't like how she spells her name, and that additional fact that she has her high beams on through her dress doesn't help matters. She also uses the corny "We could make beautiful music together" line because she is an opera singer. The final contestant is Stacy, a saleswoman and former model from Houston. By "model" she does not mean Giselle Buncheon, as she is about a seven or eight. She does promise to "tickle his funny bone" though. Because she's funny - ha ha, get it?

First Round

Beth: I've dumped boyfriends for gaining weight.
Audra: I spend $5,000 a month on online auctions.
Stacy: I bring my own silverwear to restaurants.

Audra collects Star Wars figurines and a bunch of other crap and likes to win, and admits she uses her credit cards for this. She sounds like a complete nut. Beth's baggage seems pretty reasonable, because she's incredibly fit. She also comes right out and says, "I'm very shallow," which makes me like her a lot. And while Stacy's baggage is odd, it's not so odd that I couldn't deal with it. Audra is the one I would be trying to actively eliminate.

Second Round

Beth: My homeless brother lives in front of my house.
Audra: I'm a dead fish in the sack.
Stacy: I don't have sex on Sundays.

The homeless brother thing, what the eff? That's the only thing that would be a dealbreaker for me. But Lou, proving that he is a classy guy, eliminates the "dead fish in the sack" thing. I'm meh on this - I always feel like sexual chemistry is something you create together. Unsurprisingly though, preschool teacher and shopping fiend Audra is the dead fish. The "no sex on Sundays" thing would be the least concerning thing, since there are six other days of the week.

Beth explains that her brother gave up the 9-to-5 grind and now sleeps in a van down by the river in a van in front of her house. She adds that if she gets fat, Lou should totally break up with her; I'm slowly falling in love with her, even if her outfit is pretty horrible. In addition to the loud purple shirt, she has a really short black skirt and knee high black-felt boots.

Final Elimination Round

Beth: I owe $80,000 in back taxes.
Stacy: I was in a cult for nine years.

Oh boy, Beth... We were getting along so well! She said it's the result of a bad divorce, which sounds, uh... bad. But Stacy's baggage is nutty as hell, especially since she still seems pretty airy and not THAT broken up about it. I'd still pick Beth, even if I didn't have to for a silly game show.

Anyway, Lou dumps Stacy, and she unloads on him, saying this and that about how she didn't want to go out with him anyway and that he's too short for her. This makes me like her a bit more, since Lou does seem like a bit of a sex-obsessed ass. Anyway, his baggage is one of the three:

- I abandoned an ex at a roadside truck stop.
- I cashed in my mother's 401k to buy my girlfriend fake boobs.
- I slept with two sisters in the same day.

Ick, all three of these are REALLY bad to me. However, if he was 21 or younger when the sister thing happened, I'd give him a bit of a pass on that. Both sexes do tons of stupid crap when they're younger, after all. The other two things are completely indefensible though.

Beth thinks the worst thing would be the cashing in of the 401k for the fake boobs, and I agree with her. However, his actual baggage is the two sisters thing, which surprises me. (Because, I agree with Stacy, he's short.) Lou's explanation of the situation makes it a lot worse, since he comes off like the biggest sleaze - He said it happened at a karaoke bar, because the second sister was jealous he had slept with the first, so he took advantage. wtf mate? Beth accepts him anyway, although it seems a bit reluctant to me.


  1. Crikey! I will try and remember these freaks the next time I reflect upon my joyless 2 week foray into the online dating world.

  2. @ Empress - I've actually done online dating with pretty good results, haha. I have a profile on one free site, and the women I've met have been appealing to me. And not nearly as freaky as these people on Baggage.

  3. I can't stop shaking my head! Where do they find these people?! The guy sounds like a real winner, and the girls sound, well, kinda creepy, actually. Dang.

  4. @ THE Frisky Virgin - They do casting calls in L.A. and Vegas, and according to a past contestant, they also solicit via newspaper ads and what not.

  5. Stacey looks a TON like Amy Lindsay, former soft core and porn star. Check this out:

  6. @ Anon - haha, Wow, good pull! I wonder if she is one and the same... She did say she is a "model", although if she really was in softcore porn, I have to think that would be one of her baggage reveals. They are both from Houston, which is suspicious, but IMDB claims that Amy Lindsay is married:


Try not to be too much of an ass, unless completely necessary. You are subject to tyrannical moderation.


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