The Baggage Game: Monday, July 26

Today, we have Steve on, a spa owner from Tulsa. (Seriously, "spa owner" is a valid profession in Oklahoma? Isn't just standing out in the sun like stewing in a spa in Oklahoma?) He's a bit older than the typical guy on Baggage, probably closer to 50 than 30.

The contestants are Jillie, a paralegal from Delano, Minnesota that talks like a phone sex operator; Marilee, a "free-spirited" songwriter from Grand Rapids; and Priscilla, a marketing rep from Beverly Hills, who is unfortunately nowhere near the same ballpark physically as the other two. Jillie is incredibly attractive, and also clearly the youngest, while Marilee is a busty, blonde and in her mid-30s, roughly. Think a bustier Beth Littleford, who's picture is from this blog.

First Round
Jillie: I never leave home without make-up.
Marilee: I'm obsessed with The Rock.
Priscilla: My boobs are two different sizes.

None of these are dealbreakers to me. Priscilla's baggage leads to the best Jerry line of the round, "Well at least you know they're real." (Steve also makes a motorboat sound, showing that he is a classy, classy guy.) Jillie is quite firm that she NEVER leaves without make-up, but she is a really hot blonde, so this isn't concerning to me. Marilee's baggage is sadly appealing to me, since I love professional wrestling The Rock. Jerry quips, "They used to call me the pebble."

Second Round
Jillie: My four psychics guide my life. Priscilla: I live with two men. Marilee: I shave my entire face.
The physics thing wins by a landslide, since the men and shaving thing are relatively minor issues. The shaving thing... Hey, at least she cares enough to shave! And I'm living with my female friend Becca, so I don't view the men thing as an issue. But FOUR physics? Wow. The other Steve (you know, the one on the show, not me) agrees and eliminates the physics.

And of COURSE, ultra-hot Jillie is the one with the four psychics! Sigh. Marilee seems like a decent human being though, and I instantly like her because she hates camping. Also, she apparently bakes great muffins. Priscilla notes that she is a girly-girl and likes to drink beers with the guys (which is really obvious, to sound mean and catty for a second).

Final Elimination Round
Marilee: I want to adopt five kids.
Priscilla: I won't have sex until marriage.

Steve remarks, "Oh hello Angelina!" to Marilee's baggage, which makes me hate him even more. He adds that he's not sure he wants children. What an ass! When Priscilla reveals her baggage, Marilee cackles a bit, which makes me like her even more. Priscilla says, "I'm a prize, and good things come to those who wait." Unsurprisingly, Priscilla gets the boot. Anyway, Steve's baggage is one of the three:

- I've had sex with a man.
- I have a tattoo of my ex-wife.
- I was married to two women at the same time.

Marilee said her biggest problem would be if he was into other dudes. I find all three to be dealbreakers, but hey, to each their own. Steve reveals his baggage to be "I've had sex with a man," which I knew a while ago because The Soup used it as a clip. He mentions that things just got out of hand at college at one point, which is a bit of an understatement; I've gotten drunk but I've managed to avoid getting... Well, let's not go there. Steve gives an angry interview after the show, proving that Marilee was probably right to eliminate his sleazy ass.

(Note: This is the premiere episode of the show, actually, and thus, the only one available fully on YouTube. Sorry!)