Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Baggage Game: Wednesday, July 28

Today's contestant is Shane, a business owner from the silly named Defiance, Ohio. When he gets on the stage, he says he's not worthy to Jerry and bends down on a knee, which makes me immediately dislike him. He also says that he wants a woman who is filled out in the right way. ick.

We have Krista, a busty blonde dental hygienist from Milwaukee. There is Jen, a blonde and brunette nanny from Tustin, California; she looks a bit too mom-ish for this show. Then, we have Debra, a brunette teacher from L.A., who is definitely the cutest of the three contestants. She has a great smile and laugh, both of which are bright as heck. (Rough approximation provided by the girl to the right, which I got from this dental website and Google Images.)

First Round

Krista: I have been to 32 Donny Osmond concerts.
Jen: I drive 15 miles per hour under the speed limit.
Debra: I'm obsessed with serial killers.

From just reading these, Debra's baggage sounds the most ridiculous, but she explains it more as of love of shows like CSI and Forensic Files. (Phew, the hot girl seems normal, at least through one round.) This is a pretty "meh" round to me, since I've dealt with variations of all three of these personally. (However, please note that I totally pegged Jen as being a mom, and sure enough, she drives like a mom.) Hopefully things pick up in the second round...

Second Round

Jen: I buy panties at the $0.99 store.
Krista : I have a bowel movement every two hours.
Debra : I read self-help books every day.

Shane freaks out about the panties thing, which surprises me. As long as they're new, who cares? However, he acts as if he had been told that the woman had AIDS. The bowel movement issue seems more worrisome, since she would constantly be need pit stops and what not. The self-help book issue seems like a positive, like they're constantly working on bettering themselves. However, Shane chooses to eliminate the $0.99 store panties, which turns out to be Jen the Mom.

Anyway, Krista explains that she likes to eat a lot of all-natural food and fiber, so she has regular, non-smelly poops. (Shane expressed regret that his house would smell bad. Classy guy.) Debra said, as I guessed, that she likes to improve herself.

Final Elimination Round

Krista: I get paid to be naked at parties.
Debra: I'm on probation.

Holy heck, these are two surprising reveals! Krista explains that she gets paid to be nude and to wear a "body paint" outfit. And Debra's story is really minor - She tried to evade a parking meter maid. Awwww. That just makes her even foxier to me! Oh, la and LA. Meanwhile, Krista is just a glorified stripper (as Debra points out).

Unfortunately, Shane is a tool, and picks Krista. I'm guessing it is because of her giant fun bags, because they immediately hug and have their paws all over each other. ick. Anyway, Shane's baggage is one of these three things:

- I've had three serious girlfriends at one time.
- I have 61 ventriloquist dolls.
- I'm banned from entering the state of Florida.

Right off the bat, I can't imagine that the Florida thing is true. Florida is the most fucked up place in the United States, with the possible exception of Alaska. What the hell would you have to do to get banned from the state? Did he rough up Goofy or Mickey Mouse?

I'm right on the money with Shane the Tool, as he reveals that he had three serious girlfriends at one time, which is the biggest baggage for Krista and myself. (Heck, at least the dolls, I'm assuming he would make some money.) Shane said he's past that point of his life, but she doesn't really believe him, and sends him packing. (She seems vaguely broken up about this.)

Now that he's eliminated, Shane is all snotty about Krista being a nude model. However, with his ridiculous baggage, I doubt it would have mattered if he had chosen on of the other women either.


  1. A few things as I read this:
    -Never bow to Jerry unless you're going to go down on him. Which is something I'd never do. Even the thought makes me puke.
    -Filled out the right way? Like with a #2 pencil?
    -The 15 minutes under the speed limit gal would be the first person to go if that was me. Of course, if it was me, at the end my baggage would be "I don't like girls that way"
    -I would have gotten rid of the gal on probation too
    -As for him, the girlfriend thing AND the doll thing would have been deal breakers. I could handle the Florida stuff cuz I like my vacations alone

  2. @ Amanda - haha, Nice response. I'll try never to bow to Jerry then, since I don't want him to get his hopes up...

    The speed limit thing wouldn't bug me unless we were late. And in that case, I'd probably just volunteer to drive, knowing her tendencies. She did note that she always left early for places, which would actually be good for me, since I'm always leaving late.


Try not to be too much of an ass, unless completely necessary. You are subject to tyrannical moderation.


Related Posts with Thumbnails