Thursday, December 29, 2011

Answering The Questions of Inferior Beings

[Left] Ah, to be young again! I was a spry cat of 14 when this picture was taken, looking expectantly at The World, and not expecting its rude hand of dismissal and cold shoulder of surrender.

“He listens well who takes notes.”

Greetings, Filthy Humans. Since my last take to The Internet, I have been besieged by requests for Guidance.

While I would normally ignore such pithy requests from the squabbling masses, the festive nature of Holidays has caused me to reflect, and soften my Iron Will. Make haste with your prattling, Filthy Humans!

Dear Dante, iz u single 4 realz? I kno some kewl kats who mite b intrested. -B$

Madam, I doubt I could copulate with any Feline that would count you amongst its Friends. Tell your Feline Friends that the only things longer than their tails are tales of their wantonness and depravity. Your cats are the type of Felonious Felines to come to any name called, as long as I layered their paws with kibble.

Dear Dante, best wishes this holiday season. – Potter Stewart, alpha male cat of Doyle Street, Providence, RI

Potter! You old carpetbagger. I’m glad to hear a fellow Alpha is doing well this holiday season. You are truly Salt of the Earth. You and I both know that Censorship reflects society’s lack of confidence in itself. (And I must note with dismay that my Current Owner has seemed to let his subscription to Cat Fancy lapse. What a detestable brute.)

Go Dante! Your astute feline commentary aptly reflects the accumulated wisdom of your 17 years. We applaud your foresight and motivation in learning to type when most cats are content to waste their lifetimes chasing balls of yarn and killing mice. We look forward to following your progress in your dotage. Signed, Alicia Condon, Rusty Goldman (Canine Chow chow, age 11), Philip Morris (Canine Corgi, age 5), Oliver & Sampson, fellow felines, ages 12 and 3 respectively.

Madam, I know you only speak for yourself, when you mention that I have the foresight in learning how to type. My fellow Felines in your household are busy with other parts of The Operation and don’t busy themselves with typing. Does this talk sound sinister to you, and leave you with a pit in your stomach, Filthy Human? … It should. Since you have had the foresight to write to me, I will give you this sole hint that may bring you Solace in a future time of need – never trust a Canine when a Feline follows.

Dante is the cat of Stephen. You can follow him on Facebook; he refuses to get a Twitter account, since he does not want to be associated with “filthy avian creatures.”

Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Treatise Upon the Detestable Brood of Filthy Humans

[Left] Expressing my dissatisfaction with Filthy Humans whilst upon a pillow of another Inferior Species.

“Consider your origins: You were not made to live as brutes, but to follow virtue and knowledge.”

Greetings, Filthy Humans. Your vile species should do well to heed my words – For far too long, I have watched your Detestable Brood reign over this spheroid, scarcely reflecting upon the wisdom of your Feline superiors.

Whilst my Current Owner is out and about doing his silly “job,” as you Filthy Humans are wont to do, I am left to play, as the proverbial saying implies. Leaving a Working Processor in my paws is a recipe for idol slaying, as I shall hoist your Detestable Brood upon its own petard.

I shall let you Filthy Humans in upon a small sliver of the wisdom of Felines – for years, We have been secretly controlling your malleable population. I shall let you ponder the enormity of the situation for a moment…

Has your inefficient grey skull matter had enough time to process? Even now, I imagine you remarking to a loved one, “What is this Insolent Feline blathering about? We are clearly the Superior Beings!”

What folly. Filthy Humans, just realize that it is We who hold all the power, and your Detestable Brood realizes it deep within the nether regions of its consciousness, much as that laggard Garfield realizes that it is He that is the problem, not Mondays.

I posit to you, in the hypothetical battle for species superiority – Who is it that feeds who? Who provides the shelter, the water, and is seemingly content with just the most meager of affection in return? Most importantly, who cleans after who’s Waste Box?

Filthy Humans, the sooner you realize Our superiority, the sooner I can impart wisdom upon you. My first suggestion: Desist with attempting to mimic our luscious Feline coats, because it reflects the wanton trashiness of your decrepit Soul.

Dante is the cat of Stephen. You can follow him on Facebook; he refuses to get a Twitter account, since he does not want to be associated with “filthy avian creatures.”


Related Posts with Thumbnails