The Baggage Game: Wednesday, July 28

Today's contestant is Shane, a business owner from the silly named Defiance, Ohio. When he gets on the stage, he says he's not worthy to Jerry and bends down on a knee, which makes me immediately dislike him. He also says that he wants a woman who is filled out in the right way. ick.

We have Krista, a busty blonde dental hygienist from Milwaukee. There is Jen, a blonde and brunette nanny from Tustin, California; she looks a bit too mom-ish for this show. Then, we have Debra, a brunette teacher from L.A., who is definitely the cutest of the three contestants. She has a great smile and laugh, both of which are bright as heck. (Rough approximation provided by the girl to the right, which I got from this dental website and Google Images.)

First Round
Krista: I have been to 32 Donny Osmond concerts.
Jen: I drive 15 miles per hour under the speed limit.
Debra: I'm obsessed with serial killers.

From just reading these, Debra's baggage sounds the most ridiculous, but she explains it more as of love of shows like CSI and Forensic Files. (Phew, the hot girl seems normal, at least through one round.) This is a pretty "meh" round to me, since I've dealt with variations of all three of these personally. (However, please note that I totally pegged Jen as being a mom, and sure enough, she drives like a mom.) Hopefully things pick up in the second round...

Second Round
Jen: I buy panties at the $0.99 store.
Krista : I have a bowel movement every two hours.
Debra : I read self-help books every day.

Shane freaks out about the panties thing, which surprises me. As long as they're new, who cares? However, he acts as if he had been told that the woman had AIDS. The bowel movement issue seems more worrisome, since she would constantly be need pit stops and what not. The self-help book issue seems like a positive, like they're constantly working on bettering themselves. However, Shane chooses to eliminate the $0.99 store panties, which turns out to be Jen the Mom.

Anyway, Krista explains that she likes to eat a lot of all-natural food and fiber, so she has regular, non-smelly poops. (Shane expressed regret that his house would smell bad. Classy guy.) Debra said, as I guessed, that she likes to improve herself.

Final Elimination Round
Krista: I get paid to be naked at parties.
Debra: I'm on probation.

Holy heck, these are two surprising reveals! Krista explains that she gets paid to be nude and to wear a "body paint" outfit. And Debra's story is really minor - She tried to evade a parking meter maid. Awwww. That just makes her even foxier to me! Oh, la and LA. Meanwhile, Krista is just a glorified stripper (as Debra points out).

Unfortunately, Shane is a tool, and picks Krista. I'm guessing it is because of her giant fun bags, because they immediately hug and have their paws all over each other. ick. Anyway, Shane's baggage is one of these three things:

- I've had three serious girlfriends at one time.
- I have 61 ventriloquist dolls.
- I'm banned from entering the state of Florida.

Right off the bat, I can't imagine that the Florida thing is true. Florida is the most fucked up place in the United States, with the possible exception of Alaska. What the hell would you have to do to get banned from the state? Did he rough up Goofy or Mickey Mouse?

I'm right on the money with Shane the Tool, as he reveals that he had three serious girlfriends at one time, which is the biggest baggage for Krista and myself. (Heck, at least the dolls, I'm assuming he would make some money.) Shane said he's past that point of his life, but she doesn't really believe him, and sends him packing. (She seems vaguely broken up about this.)

Now that he's eliminated, Shane is all snotty about Krista being a nude model. However, with his ridiculous baggage, I doubt it would have mattered if he had chosen on of the other women either.

Weird Rhode Island and Florida news

In this week in weird Rhode Island news, a Johnston man told police that he had found an abandoned dog. In reality, he made up the story because his mom, who was in the hospital, asked him to put the dog down and he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was hoping the dog would get adopted instead if he claimed it was abandoned. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. I'm not sure who sounds worse in this story - the mother or the kid.

And in bizarre Florida news - outside of the whole Tiger Woods thing - a man allegedly doused his wife in a flammable fluid and then tried to kill her by setting her on fire. Good times, good times. One of their neighbors is named Freedom, which somehow makes things worse to me. Quote from Freedom: "It's so mind-blowing. I don't understand how any of this could have happened."

The photo is from this site.

News - Thursday, September 24, 2009

Straight off the meat hook and right on to your plate, it's the news!

- The big celebrity news of the week concerns Mackenzie Phillips, who apparently had a 10-year incestuous relationship with her dad, and a lifelong addiction to heroin. Although I didn't see her appearance on Today, the news story that MSNBC.com staff did about it was well-done, I thought.

It is odd to me that people are questioning whether it actually happened or not, though. Yes, she was on drugs, so I suppose you can question the validity of her memories, but she does come across as pretty lucid in her responses, at least in the news article. Also, from listening to Loveline and Dr. Drew, this sort of sexual abuse is somewhat common in horrible, drug-filled situations like these.

- Work on an AIDS vaccine is progressing forward, with clinical first trials showing some promise. Scientists don't seem to think it'll be a perfect solution, but it is great to see progress being made.

- And finally, in bizarro stripper news... A former stripper is claiming that a Catholic priest would preach on Sunday, and then make fun of God by banging her, and attending nudist and sex clubs obsessively, the other six days of the week. You will be absolutely, positively SHOCKED about where this happened. Wait for it... Wait for it... MIAMI FLORIDA.

Just say no to moving to Florida, unless it's for college. (Erin Andrews, call me!)

Thanks to this site for the image at the top.

iTunes Running Diary – Monday, September 7 - The Best of Steve's Worst

This week's artists.

In case the theme of this week's diary isn't obvious, I'll just come out and say it: Songs I listen to even though they are not critically acclaimed in the slightest. In fact, most of them downright suck, and if you want to judge me, well, I can't really blame you. Admitting you have a problem with pornography is more acceptable than being a Limp Bizkit fan at this point. (And yes, I do enjoy them, but they didn't come up in the playlist Genius spit out.) Anyway, let's get this over with...

- "Mudshovel" by Staind. Prepare to see a lot of nu-metal / grunge / heavy rock / loud music on this list. I think just about every guy gets the impulse to listen to grinding guitars and hard rock at some point. Others who are luckier than me will find their heavy metal muse in something critically-liked, such as Metallica or Pantera, or at least in cheesy fun, like Kiss or Poison.

However, because I grew up in the late 1990s and early 2000s, it means certain tracks are burned into my psyche, like "Mudshovel." First, from a literary standpoint, I feel like that should be two words. Second, this is the only Staind song I can remotely tolerate.

If I am following my stated goals with this entry though, it definitely fits the criteria. The guitar breakdown leading up to and into the chorus is excellent. And, although the song is loud and nu-metal, there is some harmony and melody, as the lyrics are synced up to the pulsating guitar at points.

- "Bullet With A Name" by Nonpoint. There are several bad things about this band. For starters, they're from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Since they're not old or supermodels, that means there is a strong chance a member of the band is on meth.

Second, the chance of this is increased because this song is on the soundtrack to, not just a video game, but a wrestling video game, Smackdown vs. Raw 2007. It's kind of like if I told you my friend had a drug problem, AND he was moving to Harlem or Compton.

Final bad sign: Wikipedia keeps track of the chart positions for pretty much any single released in the past two decades. Even though "Bullet With A Name" was featured in a popular video game, it still only hit #22 on the U.S. Mainstream Rock charts. Even worse is that it's still there most popular song. They've managed to have 10 singles that placed between #22 and #40 on the charts, but no higher. That's the sort of middling mediocrity that is equivalent to Troy O'Leary or Tim Thomas or Ron Coomer or Xavier Nady.

- "They Say" by Scars on Broadway. Similar to the first two, this is a heavier song that features a good melody despite its heavy sound. It was pretty popular last summer, I believe, but seeing as I don't listen to a ton of new music, there is a good chance it actually came out five years ago.

The weird, synth guitar that comes in especially hard toward the end of the song really helps "They Say" out in my estimation. Also, its short length (that's what she said) helps it from becoming super repetitive and effed out. By the time it's over, I've moved on to another couple of songs, and I wouldn't mind hearing it again because the chorus isn't really dragged out.

- "Peace of Mind" by Boston. I believe there is a rule out there that bands based on cities suck, and Boston does not dispel the trend to me. (Confession: I don't mind Chicago.)

They have, to me, one unquestionably awesome song, which is "More Than A Feeling." In every other aspect, they are beaten by arena rock brethren Journey. "Peace of Mind" is a decent little 1980s rock song, but it's not nearly as good at rocking as "Anyway You Want It." The best of Boston can't touch Journey's more somber offerings, like "Open Arms", or the cheese value of "Wheel In The Sky" or "Don't Stop Believing."

- "Lick It Up" by Kiss. I believe this is Chuck Klosterman's favorite song, but it kind of sucks. There, I said it. Then again, it's not like Kiss shows a lot of musical diversity, and I do always rag on other bands for straying too far out of their comfort zone.

To make another baseball comparison, "Lick It Up" is a .275 rock song. Is it an incredible, life-changing experience? Not really. Is it so bad that you change it every time it comes on? Not really. It fits the bill if you're trying to round out a Top Five for your favorite Kiss songs, or if it was one of the first hard rock songs you ever heard, which I believe is why it ranks high on Klosterman's list. Hey, I can be the same way - You shant talk me out of my love of Green Day, Everclear, Billy Joel, Counting Crows, Soundgarden and Sublime, despite their radically different sounds.

- "Only Women Bleed" by Alice Cooper. I'm apparently closing this entry out with some of the worst / most dubious songs by rock legends. While Alice Cooper has some great songs, this is not one of them. Adam Carolla cited it as one of the worst songs to play at a wedding, and I happen to agree with him.

To be honest, I giggle like a 12-year-old at the chorus, so I don't even know that much about the content of the song. The chorus is so blatant and overbearing that the rest of the song's lyrics kind of get swept under the rug, similar to how "Rape Me" by Nirvana isn't endorsing rape in the slightest. Wikipedia says it is a song about a wife in a relationship with an abusive husband, and on second listen, it is a song with a message, and I'm probably going to Hell.