Excuse Me While I Talk About Wrestling

My one vice, even more so than listening to Lisa Loeb, remains professional wrestling. Yes, I still watch Raw every Monday night, and I’ll even tune in to TNA Impact if I feel like hurting my brain, and if something better (Archer, Always Sunny, most of NBC’s Thursday night lineup) isn’t on.

And my favorite pro wrestling event each year is always the Royal Rumble, and the rumble match itself. For those of you uninterested in pro wrestling, let me go on in GREAT detail about this!

The rumble match itself consists of 30 superstars fight in an over-the-top battle royal for a title shot at Wrestlemania. Two superstars start off, one-on-one, and every 90 to 120 seconds (it varies depending on the year), a new wrestler is thrown into the mix.

Basically, the match serves as a sort of poo-poo platter of wrestling. Most everyone in the match gets a chance to get some offense in, and because there are 29 eliminations, you get plenty of drama and storylines created and furthered by what happens in the rumble.

Today’s match, on paper, figures to be a bit ho-hum. My favorite wrestler, Chris Jericho, just returned to action this month, and the rumble will be his first actual match back. ([Right] Him in his over-the-top, fan pleasing persona right now.) He’s one of the favorites to win because he’s one of the few major WWE wrestlers lacking a regular feud right this second. Meaning, him winning would automatically propel him into a major angle / storyline.

For whatever reason, the best rumble of all-time, the 1992 edition, is available on YouTube in its entirety. Yes, it is totally 1990s wrestling, but if you like wrestling at all then you should be a big fan of the action. Plus, it has Bobby Heenan at his peak on the microphone! And Ric Flair! (If you want some awesomeness from both, skip ahead to about 9:15 in the match for his entrance, and 33:30 for the introduction of Roddy Piper.)

TNA great when it sticks to wrestling, promos

You may have noticed that I don't really write that much about TNA in this here blog. I'm not a regular watcher for one big reason - the storylines.

Frankly, if you miss an episode, it is nearly impossible to follow what is going on. Now, in a normal network show like LOST, this would be a reason to make sure you watch every week. However, the storyline logic in TNA is so shitty that I have the opposite reaction. In any given week, there are crosses and double-crosses, mixed with angles based on one wrestler overhearing two others in a bathroom. yikes. I think this is part of the reason why TNA had to admit failure and switch back to Thursdays, after trying to compete with Raw on Mondays for a couple months.

In contrast though, the in-ring product is normally excellent for TNA, which is why I normally like watching the PPVs. For example, the first hour of Sunday's, Sacrifice, was awesome. There was a really good three-way tag team match between Team 3D, Beer Money and the Motor City Machine Guns for a title shot, followed by the European Championship (or whatever they call it) being defended in a decent match between Rob Terry and Orlando Jordan, of all people. This was followed up by another really nice match between Doug Williams and Kaz for the X-Division title, which thankfully ended clean. (Another consistent TNA problem is a ridiculous amount of false and contested finishes.)

Unfortunately though, storyline issues reared their ugly head for the next two men's matches. Scott Hall should not be wrestling anymore - He is obviously fat and out of shape, and as a result, he seemed to miss several spots in the match. The Band's match vs. Ink Inc., a grossly tatted up team, ended in a contested finish with a run-in by Team 3D. This match was followed by a decent women's match between Tara and Madison Rayne, even if you could tell that Rayne wasn't going to do much in the ring because her breasts were basically held in place by a microscopic layer of cloth.

But after this, we got the "bathroom spying" match, Desmond Wolfe vs. Abyss. I would try to explain the story for this, but I honestly have no idea of why they're fighting, except that it involves a Hulk Hogan Hall of Fame ring, Lacey Von Erich spying on another hot girl in a bathroom, and a redux of a stupid WCW angle involved Miss Elizabeth and Goldberg that sucked 10 years ago. Also, apparently the ring gives Abyss the special powers of Hulk Hogan, as the end of the match featured TNA's Mankind / Catcus Jack-like character hulking up as if he was a god damn cartoon.

Thankfully though, they segued from this match to one of the best promos I've seen this year, by Mr. Anderson (a.k.a. Mr. Kennedy). It would be nice if TNA didn't have to rely on the brittle and the drugged leftovers from the WWE, but hey, if they're willing to swallow the risk in employing them, I suppose I should enjoy the match. Hardy won after a really good, back-and-forth 20-minute match, which kind of stinks to me given how great Anderson's promo was.

This was followed by a ridiculously bloody squash between Sting and Jeff Jarrett. Hulk Hogan eventually broke it up. Like the Abyss thing, I have no idea what the eff is happening here; maybe Hogan wants to be the face in a Sting match, making up for the year-long stalking Sting had of him in WCW.

Finally, there was the world championship match. I must say though, it is a shame what they've done with Styles' character. They have basically turned him into a poor man's Ric Flair, between the tanning, the frilly ring robes, Flair as a valet and lame heel promos. You can tell he's not really comfortable with the character, and the sooner they dump the whole god damn thing, the better.

Also, what does it say about TNA that their current world championship programs involves 1) a wrestler synonymous more with two ECW and WWE/F than TNA and 2) Flair, who I don't think anyone even wanted to see involved with wrestling anymore after his Wrestlemania sendoff.

Oh yeah, the match itself. Flair went on commentary about 10 minutes into the match, which was kind of neat - He should just replace the overrated Tazz, although I doubt he's interested in a commentary job. The match was really good until the final three minutes, when Flair tried to interfere, which led to Jay Lethal (the company's Randy Savage clone) interrupted him. Hey, TNA! Why are you taking the emphasis off your title match with a fight outside the ring involving the champion's valet? Thanks to Lethal's help, RVD was able to win clean, which is nice, I suppose.

The frustrating thing about TNA to me is that they have a talented roster. All the pieces are there for them to be a legitimate challenge to the WWE. However, it is all compromised by the obvious backstage / veteran politics (prominent roles for Hall, Nash, Flair, Hogan, and Sting despite them being shells), the ridiculously bad storylines, and the over-reliance on former WWE stars.

Grade for Sacrifice: C

TV Review: Weak and strong booking decisions bookend Smackdown

Punk is so great as a cult figure, even if
Gallows' longing is a bit... creepy.

While I praised the hectic nature of Smackdown with my entry last week, I should note that there is a fine line between being surprised and devaluing your product with cluster-eff booking. One reason why I've traditionally preferred the WWE over the WCW and, in present day, the TNA, is that their booking makes a bit more sense. Yeah, it can be boring and predictable at times, but the in-ring action normally makes up for it, and you don't have to worry about constant stipulation matches and screw job finishes in every other match.

Case in point: It sure would be nice if the WWE let its newest champion, Jack Swagger, actually win some matches. Fine, the Undertaker beat him on Monday Night Raw this week; that's a perfectly understandable win against one of the biggest stars of the past 20 years. He managed to pin Edge the other week, but it was only after Jericho hit a Codebreaker against him.

However, while I really enjoy the ring work of John Morrison and think he will be a future champion, it seems silly to let him pin Swagger two nights before a pay per view. It isn't one of the big four, but it still damages Swagger's credibility before the match. If he beats Randy Orton, then it devalues Orton, since Swagger has lost most of his recent matches. If he loses against Orton, it's going to be hard for him to re-establish himself as a threat in the championship chase.

I think the only way the WWE can salvage something from this is if they use it to launch a program between Morrison and Swagger. With Shawn Michaels being forced to retire, Morrison is the closest thing to a "new" HBK, so it might make sense to push him up the card a bit quick. Let me put on my Imaginary Booker hat for a second - I would have Swagger retain against Orton, and Morrison would challenge him to a match on the next Smackdown. Have Swagger cheap shot him and leave, but the match is made anyway by GM Teddy Long. And sometime between that show and the title shot, have Morrison beat the Undertaker in a long match, as a sort of "pass the torch" moment.

Do I think this will actually happen? No. But, it should!

Anyway, outside of the Swagger booking, the worst part of Friday's show was the inexplicable pairing of Kane and Rey Mysterio vs. the Straight Edge Society, consisting of CM Punk and Luke Gallows. Punk was at his cult leader best for the majority of the show, which is why I used his image to lead off this entry.

However, there was absolutely no mention on the show why Kane felt capable of teaming with Mysterio. I mean, it was only about 18 months ago that Kane, in storyline, tried to kill Mysterio. But hey, maybe he bought Rey a Fresco or something while they hung out backstage, and patched things up all nice-nice.

There were some good moments on the show though, some of them surprisingly so. It's not surprising that Jericho and Edge had another great verbal exchange, but who knew that Layla could slowly get over as the tag team partner of Michelle McCool in their blatant rip-off of TNA's Beautiful People? While neither McCool or Layla is as attractive as any of the Beautiful People, they play the characters a bit better to me, and the presence of Vickie Guerrero as their valet of sorts makes them more solidly heel-ish.

With some better booking, this could have been a much stronger episode. However, as is, this week's Smackdown was still light years ahead of a thrown together Raw with MacGruber guest hosting.

Grade: B-

The picture of Kane holding Rey's mask is from this site.

TV Review: WWE's NXT is A-OK

The Miz speaks with his "trainee" Daniel Bryan.

When the WWE decided to cancel its ECW promotion and replace it with a Tough Enough-esque reality show, I didn't have high hopes for the new program. Frankly, it sounded kind of weird and gimmicky and stupid, like the entire Divas division and past promotions giving away $1 million to viewers.

Lo and behold though, NXT has actually been pretty decent in its initial two episodes, as it has given a chance for raw wrestlers and performers new to the WWE scene to get some television exposure. The show's focus on just eight performers certainly helps, as does the inclusion of established pros like Chris Jericho and The Miz to help them out with promo work.

In my opinion, there have been two stand-out performers on the show so far. The first one, Daniel Bryan, shouldn't be that surprising to anyone who follows wrestling regularly. He has been wrestling regularly for years, mostly for independent promotions and Ring of Honor, under the name Bryan Danielson. While the WWE has downplayed this, acknowledging only that he has been wrestling for a decade, his polish in the ring comes through as compared to the other raw talents on the show. In the debut episode, he almost pinned World Heavyweight champion Chris Jericho, and except for a botch on a springboard in the second episode, he has been near perfect in his ring action.

(Side note: The Miz is Bryan's mentor, and he is shockingly good on both this show and regular WWE programming. Seriously. Bill Simmons mentioned it in a column or chat the other week, but we are at the point where The Miz is now probably the most successful Real World graduate. Simply stunning. He will probably be a world champion within the next three years; he is dynamite on the microphone, like a young Chris Jericho, and his ring-work is now very good as opposed to just passable.)

Justin Gabriel also impressed in his tag match, which pitted him and Matt Hardy against William Regal and his hick trainee, Skip Sheffield. Gabriel is a big guy, but he hit a 450-degree splash from the top rope after Hardy laid out Regal with his finisher. He didn't hit it as easily as Evan Bourne nails the Shooting Star Press, which worried me a bit, but still, the finisher has definite star potential.

The other wrestlers featured prominently in the second episode, which I saw all of, were a mixed bag to me. At best, Sheffield seems like a hick comedy act; Santino Marella with muscles. Darren Young is a more athletic, thinner version of ECW and Smackdown flame-out Ricky Ortiz. David Otunga has a monstrous physique, and he clearly has an "all-star" pedigree in that his fiancee is apparently Jennifer Hudson; the WWE has a weakness for celebrity connections like that. However, he is clearly the rawest performer of the bunch.

Overall, NXT was a fairly entertaining hour of TV, and I'll check back with it from time to time - It had some fresher storylines and more wrestling than Raw and TNA Impact, which is kind of damning it with faint praise right now. However, it lacks the "pop" of the Smackdown storylines, at least in its two initial episodes.

Grade: B

TNA upstages the return of Bret Hart

This post is about pro wrestling, so I'll apologize up front for no doubt disappointing many of you. But, it was a landmark night Monday. (For any actual wrestling fans reading this, massive spoilers follow!)

For a couple weeks now, TNA has been hyping the debut of Hulk Hogan. For the casual wrestling fans reading, yes, he is still around. He will be allegedly working in a management role for TNA, along with Eric Bischoff, and probably will not be wrestling much. This could be good, bad or horrifically bad - The rap on Hogan in the past has been that he dominates backstage politics and keeps younger guys down on the card.

However, if last night is any indication, TNA is on the right track with the whole angle. Hogan said that there would be a major talent reorganization, and that guys would have to earn their spot - including ex-NWO friends Kevin Nash, (a very drunk and fat-looking) Scott Hall and Sean "X-Pac" Waltman.

Hogan debuted at 9 p.m., which was right when WWE's Raw was unleashing their own returning star - Bret "The Hitman" Hart. Except for a single taped spot about two years ago and a Hall of Fame induction, Hart hasn't been on WWE programming for about 12 years. In a blending of the real and fake worlds of professional wrestling, Hart got screwed over in an incident known as the Montreal Screwjob.

Hart's return was a bit more muted and less effective than Hogan's, although it did produce a better "Hell has frozen over" moment - A hug between Hart and nemesis Shawn Michaels. However, the rest of the show was a bit of a letdown. Outside of a stellar tag team match (Michaels and HHH vs. my favorite wrestler, Chris Jericho, and The Big Show), the rest of the matches felt like filler. The ending featured a confrontation between Hart and WWE owner Vince McMahon, and it had McMahon cheap-shotting Hart.

TNA definitely won the night though, going all out with some shocking guests. Although their very first match of the night blew - it was a no decision in a CAGE MATCH! - this was immediately rectified by the surprise debut of Jeff Hardy, who was last seen as a world champion in the WWE. This is a major get for the TNA, arguably on the same level with Hogan, given Hardy's popularity when he left the WWE. I'm a bit surprised he wasn't debuted more prominently, but he's yet another talented worker for TNA.

Ric Flair also made an appearance, mostly just throwing the "Wooooo!" out there. Likewise, there were cameos by Val Venis, who I feel could have been a big deal in wrestling if he could have ever stayed healthy, and Orlando Jordan. (For the unfamiliar, Val Venis [left] was a pseudo-porn star slash ladies' man on WWE programming in the mid to late 1990s who was, unfortunately, hurt constantly. And yeah, I do feel a little bit gay for posting this picture, but then again, I am a pro wrestling fan...)

While a lot of TNA's booking seemed odd, especially making almost all of the titles change hands, the product did seem much better than the WWE's. This was especially true for the respective main events. TNA ended with A.J. Styles vs. Kurt Angle, for the title, and both wrestlers put on a 20ish minute clinic with plenty of nearfalls. WWE had Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton, a once-hot feud that has gotten a bit stale, and had Orton go clean over Kingston for no good reason.

I'm not normally a TNA fan, but I definitely feel that they won the first of these Monday night skirmishes. The real test will be the company's staying power - They have shown great promise in the past, only to piss it away on stupid, silly angles. I think they already made a mistake in just airing a rebroadcast of Monday's show for their usual Thursday time slot, instead of going with a new show to capitalize on the momentum. But, I think last night's show proved that TNA can fight toe-to-toe with the WWE.

The Bret Hart photo is from this gallery at WWE.com. Hogan's photo comes from the gallery of Monday's photos at TNAwrestling.com. And Val Venis' photo comes from here.