Surveying the Scene (It Landscape)

I’m pretty tough to play trivia games against. By that, I mean that my friends tend to get frustrated, since I continually answer obscure and random questions. Back when one of my friends had a Trivial Pursuit 1990s edition, I had to answer all the questions on a single card in order to get a pie piece.

I attribute my success to a past drenched in pop culture and reading when I should have been accumulating actual knowledge. Instead of learning things like Biology and Chemistry, I was normally more interested in reading books about the fight for late night between Leno and Letterman after Carson, or about how Miramax rose from a seedy re-cutter of films to an actual Hollywood powerhouse. When it comes to games like Trivial Pursuit, this knowledge is useful, but I tend to be an iffy Jeopardy! player.

My supernatural skills raised their head again this past week, when I was dominating a game of Scene It Second Edition trivia. Sure, I had never played before, but why should that stop me from doing really, really well?

The rules of the game help a player of my talents. Because a good portion of the questions are free-for-alls, I was able to out-answer a couple of the other players. It also helped that I was the oldest person playing, at 27. (That still doesn’t explain why I was able to answer questions about “Fast Eddie” Felson, since that movie came out in 1961.)

In contrast, I really struggled when we played Pass The Popcorn. It’s essentially Trivial Pursuit with just movie questions, but you can really minimize a better player because of the categories. (Basically, you’re allowed to swap category cards each time it’s your turn. This meant that people would just keep swapping until they didn’t have a card that matched mine or my friend Lisa’s, the other strong player in the game.)

Also, this whole post reminds me that I still haven't found anyone to play Scene It SNL or Simpsons against me. I have both games, but challengers have been tough to come by. Curses.

Focus on body language, not words, of O'Brien 60 Minutes interview

"Jay's got the The Tonight Show. I have a beard and an inflatable bat."

That is the money quote from Steve Croft's interview with Conan O'Brien on 60 Minutes last night. Between that, and the long, long sigh he gives when asked if he thinks Jay Leno acted honorably, tells you everything you need to know what he thinks. Conan can be a hard nut to crack at times in interviews, so I found his body language a lot more interesting than his interview answers, which were pretty typical.

What was his body language? A lot of hesitant answers, head-shaking, slow and careful responses. He stressed repeatedly that he was fine, but despite him saying that, there was a tinge of sadness and melancholy to the entire interview. Outside of the above quote, the strongest Conan got in terms of words was when he said he couldn't possibly see how The Tonight Show could be losing money when he was hosting it.

The only other person interviewed for the 15-minute piece was Conan's wife, Leslie, who did a bit better at providing an impassioned response that helped to round out the interview. Presumably, she wasn't covered by the disparaging statements contract that Conan was forced to sign as part of his $30+ million settlement. And, I'll note that Mrs. O'Brien is easy on the eyes, which shouldn't be that surprising to me.

Grade: A-

Dear TMZ, thanks.

Thanks for being useful every once in a great, great while, such as for the above picture from this article you did... That is all.

TV Review: You effing suck Jay Leno, please just retire and stay gone, you miserable old hack.

In case the title of this entry doesn't make my feelings toward Jay Leno abundantly clear, this review by the great Troy Patterson of Slate.com does an excellent job. From his first paragraph:

The cold open depicted him [Leno] awaking in a black-and-white farmhouse, a Dorothy Gale coming to, as his bandleader, other subordinates, and also a slumming Betty White crowded round his bedside. The implication was that Leno's months away from Tonight and his prime-time sojourn did not represent a disastrous misadventure but rather a magical mystery tour. The bit was no less shameless than we might expect. And no less unfunny. Pay no attention to the man in front of the curtain.

Patterson is my favorite television reviewer; I consider him the Ebert of the medium. And I agree completely with his take. The return of Leno to The Tonight Show was every bit as mediocre, depressing and lifeless as you would expect, despite some utterly shameless behavior on the part of everyone involved.

Let's start, naturally enough, with the aforementioned cold open. The Wizard of Oz was the easiest movie spoof they could have used for the situation, so of course, they absolutely used it - Jay Leno is effing involved, after all. Except for a brief pop-in by Betty White, the cold open was uninspired and stupid, which segued nicely into a stupid monologue where Leno pretended to be actually upset with NBC.

My whole problem with Leno is that he is seemingly devoid of real emotion. Know what would have been awesome? If Leno started his show and said, "Hey, I'm glad I'm back, and fuck Conan. I got shoved out of this show years ago and pretended to be okay with it, but really, I wasn't okay with that, and I apologize." Instead, Leno was passive aggressive, playing on both the side of NBC management (not acknowledging that his show's MASSIVE FAILURE in prime-time led partially to Conan's low ratings) and against management (calling them idiots now and during the fiasco). Hey Jay, why don't you pick a god damn side instead of trying to sit on the fence for every issue?

After the monologue, we were treated to a taped bit involving Leno searching for a new desk. This was predictably lame, except for a brief segment with my man Adam Carolla. Of course, he was only on for about a minute because he was using some racy humor. sigh. Leno got on a mom for "cooking" her family a nutritious meal of Kentucky Fried Chicken; at least she didn't subject them to his show later in the night.

The worst was yet to come though, as Jamie Foxx just acted like a retard for 20 minutes. (Sorry Sarah Palin.) His entire appearance made me throw up in my mouth, and he was followed by Olympic gold medalist Lindsey Vonn, who was dressed up like a street hooker. (Even worse? She looked really uncomfortable in that outfit. It is one thing if she likes to dress that way, but the whole thing reeked more like an idea to capitalize on her image ASAP, methods be damned. She needs a new publicist.)

Anyway, since Jay doesn't have the nerve to relay this message to Conan, let one of his fans instead relay the message to you - Fuck you. You are everything wrong with late night television.

Grade: F

Around The Dial: Leno back with some kinda, sorta good guests; Archer gets second season!

Checking in with some television news around the dial...

- The guest list for Leno's return to The Tonight Show has been released, according to TV Guide. Click here to catch a glimpse.

To be honest, I think TV Guide is stretching a bit when they say it includes "a lot" of A-Listers. The first night back, yes, Leno has Jamie Foxx and Lindsey Vonn, followed by Sarah Palin and Shaun White that Tuesday. Those are four pretty solid guests, and I imagine Vonn and White will do well on the show, coming off the Olympics and because of their solid conversational skills anyway.

However, after that, it goes downhill fast. Wednesday has Chelsea Handler, which is probably the first night Leno might get shit on by a guest, and the "big names" for that night are the cast of Jersey Shore. Thursday is Matthew McConaughey - ugh. And Friday has Morgan Freeman, a definite A-lister, but not someone known for his dynamic interviews.

I think most of the better A-list interviews - Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford, Tom Cruise - are going to wait out Leno's "new" Tonight Show to see how the ratings are. If there is a big public backlash against Leno, then I think they'll avoid the show like the plague. At that point, it would be REALLY interesting to see what NBC does. Maybe they could lure Conan back, as nuts as that sounds, with a ridiculous contract offer. Otherwise, they'd have to quickly promote Jimmy Fallon (unlikely) or hire some outside gun with little late night experience.

- In great television news, Archer has been picked up for a second season by FX! Woohoo! Just the other night, I was worried it wouldn't get picked up, but it seems like the ratings have stayed strong for the show. It's great news for Adam Reed, who came from the Adult Swim / Cartoon Network way of doing things, which was to constantly stall and wait on renewing shows.

The Archer picture comes from the news item I linked to in the story. The Leno cartoon is from this site.

Surveying the late night scene

Continuing from part one of my look at late night. Where does this leave everyone in the grand scheme of late night? Looking at everyone else, by network...

- At NBC, you have Leno, who I suppose will be his solid and unspectacular self. He is almost 60, so you have to think he has a decade left, at most, and that's giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will stay as relevant and "culturally hip" as he is now. Which is to say, a net zero, as opposed to someone derided for being tragically unhip. And, in light of his failure at 10 and the orchestration of Conan out of NBC, I think there is a great chance that Leno to 11:30 backfires completely on NBC.

One aspect of this whole equation that I think goes unreported is the strength of Conan at 12:30, which no doubt helped Leno maintain hit ratings during his last half hour. I actually like Jimmy Fallon at 12:30 - his show has some creative ideas, like the Wheel of Carpet Samples and his writing of "thank you" notes on Fridays. He also somehow got The Roots as his house band and uses them well, and he's also had some legitimate guests. However, he definitely doesn't have the cachet of Conan yet.

And although I don't wish any ill-will toward him, if something did suddenly have a problem with Leno, they have no clear in-house replacement. They would either 1) have to patch things up very, very nicely with Conan and pay him out the ass to come back or 2) pay someone else a ton of money to fill the void, who probably doesn't have any late night experience. Fallon simply isn't ready, so I think you might see an "established" name like Jerry Seinfeld or Steve Martin or Martin Short (to pluck some names out of the air) lured to NBC with an insane amount of money.

- At CBS, Letterman will probably be largely unchanged, although maybe more venomous toward Leno. He was the cranky old man in this whole drama, throwing stones at NBC and Leno from his perch atop the ratings at CBS. He seemed simultaneously pissed off at NBC, for doing the same thing to Conan as they did to him, and gleeful, for them wallowing in such misery.

If Leno has a problem with age and a sudden health deterioration, well, I guess CBS has the same problem with Letterman and a proper succession plan. They're in a kind of “strong” position if something catastrophic happens to him in the next couple of months, since Conan is a free agent and out on the market. But assuming that Conan does get snapped up by someone, then Craig Ferguson isn't a clear guy to step up into the 11:30 spot. To me, Ferguson follows more in the footsteps of past CBS 11:30 hosts like Tom Snyder and Craig Kilbourn - I liked both, but they have a niche appeal.

However, luckily for CBS, they have a natural promotion to make - Jon Stewart is just sitting there at Comedy Central at 11, ripe for the taking. Yes, Viacom technically no longer owns CBS, but they still have so many business dealings together that I think an ascension by Stewart after Letterman leaves is only natural. I also don't think that you'd have the bumpy issue of intellectual property if Stewart went from Comedy Central to CBS, and I think The Daily Show would transport pretty well to a major network, even if Stewart doesn't want to do a monologue. As is, it feels cramped at times with just 30 minutes, and adding another interview and/or a musical act each night would easily get you to an hour.

- At ABC, they seem pretty content with their current lineup of Nightline and Jimmy Kimmel Live. I love Jimmy Kimmel - I think he consistently does the best show, with weird, quirky bits like having his Uncle Frank and Security Guard Guillermo in skits, but his ratings have stayed pretty level after a slow start. Of the current Big Four late night hosts, I think he gets the best out of his interview segments, with a nod toward Colbert and Stewart on cable as being as his level.

Nightline is what it is: great counter programming to all of the late night yuk-yuks. Any time there is a major news event, its ratings swell. I'm sure it makes Kimmel's life more difficult, but the night as a whole is a critical success for ABC because of Nightline, and probably a commercial success as well. I don't think Kimmel or the rotating hosts of Nightline make anywhere near the salaries of Leno, Letterman and Conan. I also think there is little chance that Conan ends up at ABC, just because they'd have to essentially scrap two in-house programs that are average to above-average successes for them.

- Finally, I think Comedy Central deserves to be in this conversation, because The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are both siphoning off the younger viewers that would formerly watch Letterman and Leno. Part of this is because those two hosts are getting old, but the other aspect is the brilliance of Stewart and Colbert.

I previously mentioned that Stewart seems destined for CBS at some point, and I imagine that when that happens, Colbert moves up to 11. I'm still not sure what they used to replace Colbert at that point, though. As much as I've railed against Comedy Central for no longer doing original programming, a slew of their shows have just been bad - Carlos Mencia, The Chocolate News, that debate show with Lewis Black, etc. I think there best option is to either just have another Daily Show, with John Oliver or another correspondent as the new host, or to spin something off from The Colbert Report. People seem to respond well to that format at night, and presumably, their new show could be different enough from Stewart to still succeed.

The NBC fart logo is from here. Colbert is from here. Letterman's photo is on about 500 different sites as a stock image, and Kimmel and Affleck comes from some weird photo index site that I'm not going to link to.

A Twitter Poll: Wither Conan?

Unsurprisingly, Saturday Night Live opened up with a skit on the whole Conan and Leno late night divide. The opening sketch was only so-so to me, since Hammond doesn't really do a good Leno, and the Conan impersonation was even worse. The saving graces of the sketch were Larry King and Letterman, which were both spot-on. There was a much better take on it by Seth Meyers during Weekend Update, but they didn't release that clip on Hulu, unfortunately. (They did post the bits with Larry the Goose and Laser Cats though, both of which were great, and Sigourney Weaver did a nice job hosting.)

The latest news has Conan getting a settlement in the range of $30 million, with permission to having a new show on another network within a year. However, it seems like a deal hasn't been finalized. This whole drama is familiar to me, since I wrote a research paper on the whole transition from Carson to Leno and Letterman, and to an author on Slate - Their awesome television reporter, Troy Patterson, notes that The Late Shift is eerily similar to the Conan-Leno drama.

With all of this in mind, I asked people on Twitter last night what they thought was next for Conan. The most popular option out there in the public was that he'd end up on FOX, with Eddie and Dadkins guessing that as well.

If FOX ever wants to move into the late night weekday world, with a show at 11 or 11:30 or 11:35, then now is the moment to do so. Conan's annual salary is allegedly in the $20 million range, and of all the players for him, FOX no doubt has the deepest pockets. I also like FOX's attitude on this - In the past, they haven't been shy about sticking a thumb in the eyes of the networks, and this would be a pretty strong thumb. I don't think Conan would be a consistent ratings winner, but he would be competitive enough to hurt NBC, CBS and ABC.

The biggest impediment to a Conan show would be the current lack of FOX infrastructure in late night. I'm not sure what their affliates would think of a Conan show - FOX doesn't run programming at 10 or 10:30 right now, so Conan's lead-in would probably be weak. In the best case scenario, you might have a strong one-hour nightly news broadcast. In Rhode Island and most markets, you have a 30-minute newscast and then a syndicated show like Seinfeld. Neither is a great lead-in considering that the Big Three networks all run relatively-fresh programming at 10.

Miss Movies suggested that Conan would be good to takeover The Soup, and I agree with that. However, E! isn't going to shell out that kind of cash for Conan, which is the biggest problem I see with him going to a cable network. If Comedy Central didn't already have The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, then they might be interested. But with Stewart and Colbert in the fold, O'Brien probably costs too much to be a viable option for them at 10 or 12.

If Conan is willing to take a lot less money, then the artistic options open to him are great. For example, I could see a network like Comedy Central or TNT picking him up if his annual salary was, say, in the $1 million to $5 million range. TNT makes a lot of sense to me in that it is not owned by one of the Big Three - no way does Conan pop up on USA - and because they have been emphasizing their original program lately. They do run some NBC syndicated programming, which might upset the Peacock come renewal time, but losing Law and Order would not be an insurmountable loss, given that it has been repeated so many times now.

Regardless of where Conan ends up, I agree with Shelley - Conan's population has exploded with this whole drama, and he actually beat Letterman on Friday night, despite the weakness of the Leno lead-in. I think the whole fiasco will mean the end of NBC network head Jeff Zucker eventually, who frankly doesn't have much success to point to now as a reason for his continued employment.

As The Conan Turns

Just a short entry today, as I've been busy most of the day, and I'm going out tonight. Following the continuing Conan saga, above, see the awesome monologue that Jimmy Leno did on his show. Leno is so predictable that I think just about anyone can do his monologue, and Kimmel did nail the beats.

In other news, Entertainment Weekly interviews the artist behind the "I'm With Coco" art movement. Also, Conan apparently doesn't have specific time slot language in his Tonight Show contract, meaning he would 1) have to agree that the previous years of the show set a precedent for it being on at 11:30 or 2) just leave all the money on the table.

Conan tells NBC to eff off

Ah, Conan. I heart you even more after learning that you told NBC to go screw with its wacky plan to restore Jay Leno to 11:30. Although Conan doesn't have wording in his contract that says The Tonight Show has to start at 11:30, I think NBC will have to pay him the balance of his contract regardless.

So really, good on Conan. I'm glad he has drawn a line in the sand and threatened to quit if he's forced to air The Tonight Show / his show from a midnight time slot. I'm hopeful that he ends up on FOX, or even eventually as Letterman's successor on CBS. Either network would probably let him go back to the more juvenile, randy and fun behavior he exhibited at 12:30. You know, like my included picture of the masturbating bear.

I got the sweet picture, and some of the Conan news, from this good entertainment blog.

Conan deserves better, as NBC goes back to Leno

The latest late night television rumor has been that The Jay Leno Show is finally, mercifully, dead.

If you ask me, it's about four months too late. From its inception, Leno's show was just a stale rehash of what he did on The Tonight Show, which mostly benefited from the fact that Leno was against Letterman. I've always liked Letterman more, but I realize his kind-of-wacky behavior rubbed audiences the wrong way, as well as guests, who normally preferred the canned bits and skits they could do on Leno's show. Letterman will always be cooler than Leno, who gets credit for being workmanlike but unremarkable, at least to me. The contrast between the two allowed for better ratings for both of them.

With Leno's 10 p.m. show getting sacked, the loser in all of this seems to be Conan. Contractually, I believe he has to be the host of The Tonight Show for a certain period of time, which means NBC will be doing some bizarre shell game where they push Conan's show back 30 minutes and run Leno at 11:30 for 30 minutes. I don't think this has the slightest chance at all of working, as NBC doesn't seem to realize that Leno isn't really a talent worth keeping. Conan's ratings have sucked because Leno has sucked. As proof, I'd offer the evidence that Rhode Island's flagship news station, WJAR-10, slipped out of first in the local ratings for the first time in forever this past year, probably because of how weak a lead-in Leno is.

It wouldn't surprise me if Conan's lawyers began looking for ways to break his contract the second NBC came to him with this wacky plan, and it also wouldn't surprise me if he bolted the second his contract expired if he can't break it beforehand. While CBS is seemingly set, ABC might want to make a big splash and go after Conan. Personally, I'd love to see Jimmy Kimmel get a shot at 11:30, but it doesn't seem to be in the cards with the recent reemergence of Nightline.

As far as what happens to the other NBC performers, does anyone care? I don't mind Jimmy Fallon - his show is surprisingly watchable, between The Roots band and odd, quirky bits like "Guess That Carpet Sample." However, he's not unquestionably great, and I haven't seen a ton of growth from him. If Leno does move back to 11:30, it definitely seems like the end of Carson Daly's miserable show, which is one of the few positive side effects of such a movie.

The picture of Conan with his monkey is from this site.