Pitching Perfect Projects: The Golden Girls 2

Wherein Steve shares sure to be hit TV or movie ideas. For the past ideas, click here!

The Golden Girls was a great show back in the day. Wikipedia says is starred “Beatrice Arthur,” Betty Whire, Rue McClanahan and Estelle Getty, and they’re all wonderful treasures. I will still occasionally leave it on TV late at night, on the rare occasions that an episode of Family Feud is not playing on Game Show Network.

The show was rare because it featured old people in a starring roles, which Hollywood and the TV industry are loathe to do, unless it’s stupid, broad comedy. (Looking in your direction, Wild Hogs.) And even then, older women get far less roles offered to them than older men, never mind starring roles.

But you know what Hollywood does love, more than anything else? Sequels! So, I’m proposing that we use one of Hollywood’s favorite devices, albeit an uncreative one, to get a great show and actresses back on the air. My casting ideas for Golden Girls 2:

1+2) Jessica Walter, 75, and Kelly Bishop, 72. Both are still acting, and they’re adept in a wide variety of comedy and drama roles. Walter, in Archer, Columbo, Arrested Development and Dinosaurs (she was Fran!); Bishop, in Gilmore Girls, Bunheads and Dirty Dancing. They’ve both got good acting chops, and especially in Walter’s case, they’re quite willing to consider a role as long as you cut them a check.

Why did I settle on these two as my main choices though? Well, because they sound similar. They both have rich voices, and by that, I mean they both sound like they came from the oldest of old money in their roles. I want to see them trading acidic lines with one another! Even better, they kind of dress similar in their two biggest roles, as Lucille Bluth and Emily Gilmore.

Did I mention they’re sisters? That’s because their mother is…

3) Betty White! Let’s not change the formula TOO much, after all. She’ll slide right into the mother role that Estelle Getty had on the original, and that she kind of already had on Hot in Cleveland. (Which, while I liked that show, it was clearly more of a younger sister to Golden Girls than a full-on sequel.)

4) Since Walter and Bishop are kind of acerbic, we need a personality to balance them out. Not sweet and matronly though, because that’s what you’d expect from an older lady, and besides, we’ve got White in the cast already. We need some sass and individuality with the sweet!

This is probably the most important role of the show, so I’d be backing up the Brinks truck on to the door of Diane Keaton. Beyond the money, the role might appeal to her because Wikipedia says she’s outspoken against plastic surgery, she became a mother at 55, and criticized the idea of “old maids” in film and real-life. (The back-up option is Catherine O’Hara of Home Alone, Christopher Guest movies and SCTV, but she’s only 62. She might be better as a recurring guest, a younger sister.)

Others considered: Lily Tomlin is 77, but probably too big of a name to be a regular cast member. She would definitely be a season one guest star target though. The same with Helen Mirren (71), Carol Burnett (83) and Faye Dunaway (75). Jane Fonda (76) is on the guest star list, but not being all that familiar with her IMDB, I’m not sure if I’d want her on a sitcom; same with Raquel Welch (76).

Anyway! If anyone from Hollywood is reading, feel free to send approval and Paypal to sgre6768@gmail.com, and I’ll get to work on a treatment.

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Pitching Perfect Projects: Bill and Ted... THREE.

Welcome to another installment of Pitching Perfect Projects. In the past, I pitched completely made-up great ideas of mine, like Eating Dinner, Looking for Work, Black Ghostbusters, and Four Lesbians Two Babies and An Elephant. Well, imagine my excitement when I read (a month late) that a third Bill and Ted movie actually has the backing of Keanu Reeves and others!

Even more shockingly, while movie sequels way after the fact are normally derisively mocked on the Internet, all the comments on that story are pretty positive. I think it reflects the original movie series well. Although Excellent Adventure and Bogus Journey seemed like stoner movies, they were both really well-made. Heck, even Ebert gave Bogus Journey three stars in his review.

The question is, what do you do in the third movie? Here is my humble short list of ideas:

- A time wormhole that transports Bill and Ted from the 1990s to present day. There can be the obligatory "fish out of water" adapting that they have to do, like trying to get used to crap like Jersey Shore on television, and the whole concept of computers and the Internet. Their wives - the princesses - could also be a source of comic relief, as they presumably would be in their 30s now. And finally, the plot could hinge on the boys remembering that they had left money in a bank years ago, and now, the interest made them RICH. Or, something similarly cheesy.

- Bill and Ted get transported in the distant future, in order to see how it all ends. I envision something similar to a Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy story, with plenty of loopy dialogue and side characters. (Mos Def, I like your music, but you really stunk as Ford Prefect.)

- The telephone booth can transport them to alternate dimensions, and they have to help additional Bills and Teds fix their respective life situations. This idea would be even better if they could also get Eddie Murphy to cameo as five different characters, although that might be far-fetched with the budget.

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Regardless of which way they go with the new installment, I'd definitely like to see some characters come back. First off, Death needs to make an appearance. William Sadler, the actor that portrayed him, is still alive, and I'm sure he's up for the role. If not, then there are other guys who could fill in. You could even go meta and cast Norm MacDonald or Adam Carolla (or both!), two guys who have played Death on Family Guy.

One role that shouldn't be mentioned is Rufus, Bill and Ted's time traveling mentor. He was originally played by the deceased George Carlin, and you don't want anyone trying to fill his shoes. If you absolutely must have a time guide though, I think Kevin Smith in his Silent Bob persona would be a decent choice.

So anyway, what are your thoughts? I think this could do some dynamite business, and be a pretty good flick in its own right, like the first two films are.

Pitching Perfect Projects: Eating Dinner and Looking For Work

I've got two somewhat-related project ideas tonight. For those unfamiliar with my previous post on this topic, you can check out it out here and here. The concept? Pitching ideas that I think would make fantastic movies or television shows. First up...

- Eating Dinner. This is based on the idea of Roger Ebert's old reviewing partner, Gene Siskel. Ebert has said several times that Siskel always asked himself one question about every movie he watched: Is this film better than just sitting in on dinner with the leads? I love that standard, because it's relatively simple to understand.

However, instead of using it as a standard to judge movies on, why not just film movies or a show based on the concept? Of course, there is the legendary My Dinner With Andre, which stars the great Wallace Shawn. Most of y'all probably remember him as the funny dude from The Princess Bride, another great performance. If he's willing to sign on for the show, then great! If not, then we'll have to look elsewhere.

Some of you might be thinking - Hey, what about Shatner? He did have a show that was pretty similar to what I was pitching. However, the problem with him is that Shatner himself is too much of a buffoon, and doesn't have enough chops, to make it work. You need someone who brings something to the table besides a broad caricature. Preferably, you would involve someone who isn't widely known for just one role, or who has range as an actor. Actors with developed personas - Christopher Walken, Alec Baldwin - wouldn't really work for this, and a complete unknown wouldn't be believable as an equal of whoever he was talking to.

Assuming there is no limit to who I can cast, then I find George Clooney and Edward Norton to be the best choices. Clooney just exudes cool, between his presence in Ocean's Eleven and tagging anything hot that moves in Hollywood, yet I don't really know much about the guy. The same thing goes with Norton, except he also seems slightly nuts. He seems to have a slight sense of humor about himself, given his appearances on Stella and Modern Family. In the past, he dated Courtney Love and Salma Hayek, which is range in pretty much every conceivable way.

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Now we got a stew going...

- Looking For Work. Now, this is the show that Shatner could be on, if he wasn't busy with his show based on Twitter.

The premise is somewhat similar to Lookwell!, which I've written about in the past. In that show, Adam West played an out-of-work television detective, Ty Lookwell, who was deluded into thinking he could actually solve crimes now. It was nonsensical, and absolutely awesome.

The twist in this show is that the actor would just play him or herself. Obviously, Adam West would still work for this, as would anyone else who is normally seen as being available for just about any role with a paycheck - George Takei, Michael Caine, Carl Weathers. You can imagine it as the poor man's version of Curb Your Enthusiasm, except that it would be a scripted show with the character playing himself.

Part of the beauty of this is that it allows you the opportunity for tons of silly nostalgia and self-referential humor, especially when it comes to the business. The show should be a spoof of some of the more outlandish aspects of the trade - remember how Robert Goulet had a sitcom? - by putting the lead in ridiculous situations every week that he or she is completely serious about. (Spoofs work best when the people don't realize they're in a spoof; nobody ever cracks up in Airplane! or The Naked Gun.)

A sneak peek of the other upfronts, and Pitching Perfect Projects

Note: Elvis Costello should have his own sitcom.

Continuing on my post from yesterday, and from the excellent dispatches from the upfronts by Slate's Troy Patterson here and here, my thoughts on the new shows pitched for the upcoming fall season...

- Lonestar is about an oil tycoon con man trying to keep it all together. A FOX show, it'll probably be canceled at the first sign of ratings trouble. I'm not really that interested in the concept; this sounds like the type of show that will be crammed down my throat in promos during the baseball playoffs, only to disappear from the fall schedule after a couple episodes. (However, in case anyone has forgotten the lesson pounded into our heads from past postseasons, "Her father is the DISTRICT ATTORNEY!")

- I like the pedigree of Running Wilde, which has Will Arnett and Keri Russell in it. However, as good as Arnett was as Gob Bluth, he has produced a lot of... well, shit, since then. It would be a shame if that was his career peak, but it has happened to actors a lot better than him. Therefore, I'm going to remain cautiously optimistic for his new show.

- Mixed Signals got the best response from the mostly-old-dude crowd at the FOX upfront, so I will try to check it out in the fall, even though I know almost nothing of it. Raising Hope sounds horrid, even from Patterson's short description of it as Three Men and a Baby minus two men. Doesn't Two and a Half Men fill out quota for shows-without-moms needed on network TV?


Better yet, I think we need a ridiculous premise show that goes the completely opposite direction. Therefore, I am proposing a new show, which I call Four Lesbians, Two Babies and an Elephant. (In case "lesbians" in a show title doesn't fly, my alternate title is Four Women, Two Babies and an Elephant.) Of the four women, two would be doctors - they're very popular with executives - one would be a spy, and the last one would be a drug addict. If one baby means ratings, then two babies mean DOUBLE ratings. And, any show can have a puppy or a kitten. To spice things up, these gals need an elephant.

- At the ABC upfront, No Ordinary Family sounds like it could be a winner. A drama about a family with superhero powers? Yes. Sign me up. Heroes was awesome until it started adding 500,000 different characters, so focusing on just a single family of heroes could be interesting.

- In contrast, I'm not sure how much I'll like Mr. Sunshine with Matthew Perry. In the early seasons of Friends, he was savagely sharp and funny. But as the show was increasingly pitched toward female viewers and the female characters, he lost a lot of his edge. If he is back to his snide-as-eff character, then I'm in. If he's pining for some woman in the first episode, I'm out.

- Happy Endings sounds vapid and stupid and a waste of time. The same goes for My Generation. Generally, anything that claims to be cool, hip or on the cutting edge is never cool, hip or on the cutting edge.

- Off The Map and Body of Proof sound like rehashes of shows currently on the air. If they're decent, I'm guessing they'll just piggyback on to the existing shows. Neither one sounds like it has breakout potential.

- And finally... The Shatner show based on Shit My Dad Says. My goodness, I'm excited. Two reasons: It will either be legitimately good, or it will be so bad it is great, because Shatner is involved. I really don't see any middle ground on this, although I think it's far more likely that it sucks, like the show based on the Geico cavemen. I do like my friend Tom's suggestion: It should be renamed from Shit My Day Says, which won't fly on network television, to Shatner My Dad Says.

The picture of Elvis Costello at the top of the blog is from this blog, which is in some foreign language. The lesbian photo I modified a bit, but found at this blog. The baby photo is from here. And Dumbo is from this blog.

Pitching Perfect Projects: Black Ghostbusers and My Best Friend Landlord

Another guy who knows a thing or two about movies.

An obsession lately... Well, not really just lately, but at all times... Anyway, an obsession lately has been pitching made-up movie and television pilots. Part of this comes from listening to Adam Carolla for years, since it is part of his reportoire. But even before I listened to Adam, I had thought about how TV shows are written and made in high school.

With that in mind, here are some random shows that friends and I have pitched on Facebook, AIM and other places...

- Going with the more general idea first, and one I first brought up in the comments of Carly Googles, the title says it all: Black Ghostbusters. Yeah, there have been the Scary Movie, uh, movies, but they would pale in comparison to Black Ghostbusters, which would either be a remake of the original franchise or just a similar movie to that.

Anyway, I really like the movie Friday, so as my leads I'm casting Ice Cube and Chris Tucker. I feel like Cube is ready for another true comedic movie after starring in so much family-movie crap, and I get the feeling that Tucker is now always available. The difference in their personalities - the smooth nature of Ice Cube vs. the frantic energy of Tucker - makes for a good mix in the main cast. There would also be a sagely, older black dude who was the senior ghostbuster - Maybe Morgan Freeman wants to do some comedy, and if he doesn't, then Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrissian) or Carl Weathers (Apollo Creed) also work nicely. (If he hadn't passed away, Bernie Mac would be the PERFECT man for this role.)

The rest of the cast is simple enough. We need a squirrley white guy as the fourth ghostbuster, and I nominate Steve Buscemi or Christopher Walken (he's always looking for work), with Alan Tudyk (Wash from Serenity) as a fallback option. Beyonce would be a natural for the Weaver role in the original, but she might not be skilled enough. In that case, we just eliminate that role, and instead make the Hot Chick of the movie the Annie Potts role. That could be a slew of different hot African-American women, anyone but Tyra Banks.

So, at this point, the cast is almost full. I was a fan of Walter Peck's role in the original movie, and I think you can fill it with one of those abrasive "ohnoudidnt" characters from movies - Wanda Sykes or Queen Latifah. I'm also in favor of squeezing in a role for Tracy Morgan somewhere, possibly as the fifth ghostbuster, a la Rick Moranis in the original movie.

[Right] The man, the myth... Mike Smith.

- The second show idea would star my friend Mike Smith as my best friend, and in real life, we are really good friends. Anyway, he decided to buy a house in Rhode Island as a tax write-off, but after the sale is finalized, he learns that he bought a house that is technically classified as affordable housing! Therefore, he has to have a poor tenant.

And THAT is where I enter the picture. Desperate, Mike turns to his best friend Steve to share this house with him, hence the title... My Best Friend Landlord. (It's a little bumpy, but it's the best we came up with on short notice.) We would essentially be playing ourselves, and the show would be set in a fake town that resembles our actual places of origin (Charlestown, Richmond and Hopkinton). I'm guessing the fake town could have a name like Valley Lake.

Anyway, like most of these shows (Three's Company, The Odd Couple) the concept works because, of course, Mike and I are sooooo different! We did live together at one point, and I would do things like snore and sleep in until 3 p.m., while he would be watching The Surreal Life in the other room. At one point, we went an entire week without seeing each other, because he was doing clinicals in the morning, and I was working until late in the night.

I digress though. On the show, WACKY things would happen! Like, when Mike went to pour out his cereal, my sweaty gym shorts would come tumbling out. Then, he'd shake his first and say his catchphrase, which would be like, "Greenwell you bashtid!!!" I also picture him tripping over my basketball at least once a show. On the flip side, I would be utterly befuddled by vast collection of ties, and generally be an unsophisticated brute around the house.

And of course, there would be a large cast of supporting characters. The first would be our friend Borsay, who would live on the couch. Now by Borsay, we mean either Kevin or Nick or Bradley - they're all brothers, ranging in age from 18 to 26, and all of them are big tall white blonde kids. Think Dolph Lundgren (Ivan Drago from Rocky IV), but actually fluent in English. The Borsays are notorious for stealing food, so in every episode, they would nonchalantly wake up from the couch, swipe something from the fridge, and then leave for the day, out on their merry way. One of them would rotate on a daily basis.

Like any great sitcom, you'd never see us at work, but it would be understood that I'm a reporter, with a hand in all the city's drama, and Mike would work as a pharmacist. Every day after work, we would meet our fellow buddy, Pat, and share a brew. This would take place at The Valley Alley, a combination bowling alley and bar. You would never see Pat outside of The Valley Alley, much like Norm and Cliff on Cheers.

Every once in a while, our friend Shaun would stop by, and he would be the B-story arc for some episodes. Like Quagmire on Family Guy, Shaun would get into predicaments, like making a date with two women for the same night. Whooaaaa! Crazy times! Tagging along with would his friend Chris, who mostly just likes to watch Shaun's exploits in a very real and very gross way.

The local television reporter would be the quick-talking athletic director of the high school we all graduated from, and the entertainment reporter would be the absent-minded but sweet French teacher we all had. (Withholding their names because they're both still teachers, and Google is a powerful thing.)

Our next door neighbor would be Carl "Eric" Devin, a mutual friend of Mike and I. Each show, he would have a different interest - one week, jazz albums, and then the next, growing natural vegetables. Also, he would dispense random and interesting advice to Mike and I when we had problems. Another pair of friends, Brian and Justin, would be the gruff mail carriers, always dispensing packages and insults.

You might note that besides the French teacher, there are no woman roles, and yes that is intentional. Like the parents on The Peanuts, women would exist only as off-screen characters, or muddled voices. There is no particular reason I'm suggesting this, except that I think it could be funny.

The picture from Always Sunny comes from the upcoming shows on TV Guide. Chris Tucker and Ice Cube come from this blog. And Mike's picture is from his Facebook.