Steveats: The Grand Mac monstrosity

p.s. It has a stupid box too.

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

Ugh – the Grand Mac. Not only it is a stupid name, but it’s a completely unnecessary food item from McDonald’s, and this is coming from someone who can appreciate some not-so-great fast food items, like Cheetos mac and cheese bites. In general though, I’m against fast food items that are simply another menu item made bigger or smaller.

The Grand Mac is billed as a Big Mac, but with one-third of a pound of beef total. I have no idea how much this compared to the normal Big Mac, which is seemingly just a double cheeseburger slathered in Thousand Islands dressing and way too much bread. That middle bun and the dressing at the signature Mac items, but never in my life have I been enjoying a burger and said to myself, “You know what this needs more of? Bun. This needs another bun!”

At best, the bread is a neutral aspect of a burger, or at least it should be. You don’t want a really flavored bun, because it diverts attention away from the beef, the cheese, the other toppings. But hey, a strongly flavored bun is at least better than the Mac buns, which basically serve as bread Styrofoam.

So, anyway. Skip the Grand Mac. Beyond the fact that it’s just a bigger Big Mac, nothing more, it’s also unneccesarily expensive – mine cost more than $6 for just the sandwich – and pretty awful for you, even by McDonald’s standards. It’s 860 calories! And 52 grams of fat, which even McDonald’s nutrition calculator tells me is 80 percent of my daily allotment. I immediately felt gross after eating one, which is a tough thing for a food item to do to my trash compactor stomach.

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Steveats: Burger King "Homestyle" rips off McDonald’s Quarter Pounder

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

Lou: You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night.
Wiggum: The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonald's restaurant. I've never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Must've sprung up overnight.
Lou: You know, the funniest thing though, it's the little differences.
Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Wiggum: Get out! Well, what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages?
Lou: Mm-hm. They call 'em, "shakes."
Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'

It appears that like Krusty Burger, Burger King has realized that this “quarter pounder” item at McDonald’s is a popular burger, and as a result, they need to produce their own version. Their version is called the Burger King Homestyle, and I can confidently report that it is edible.

Now, I’m unwilling to give it any other praise except edible. It’s certainly not creative, since it’s basically McDonald’s quarter-pounder, but with even less toppings. You get cheese, mustard, ketchup and pickles, with no distinctive taste.

It’s not being offered at a severe discount – I paid around $3 to $4 for it – which I would have expected, since they’re taking shots at McDonald’s with this burger. (And, by the way, McDonald’s almost constantly runs 2-for-1 or 2-for-$5 specials on their “premium” sandwiches, so the OG quarter-pounder is also cheaper.) The existing Burger King double cheeseburger is a better deal, since it’s usually $1.50 and offers more meat. (Heh heh, more meat.)

I’m at a loss to explain who this burger appeals to. I guess if you’re at a Burger King, and craving a quarter-pounder, but you can’t get to a McDonald’s, this is like a 50 to 75 percent substitute, depending on your taste buds. Now, since this is Murrica, I can’t think of a Burger King location that does not have a McDonald’s location within five minutes. So basically, what I’m saying is that you shouldn’t ever have a Homestyle.

Note: Simpsons dialogue is from this site, which also has a helpful scene-by-scene comparison of that episode with Pulp Fiction.

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Steveats: IHOP, what and why IS this monstrosity?

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

As my grandfather used to say, “Jeezum Crow IHOP, what IS this thing that you’ve created?”

The menu describes them as criss-croissants, a.k.a. waffled croissants. What they actually are is bastardized travesties of a normal breakfast. After this whole

cronut business, and McDonald’s going 24 hours on the menu, BREAKFAST HAS NO MORE RULES.

But without rules, there is anarchy. And in anarchy, disgusting, immoral things like the criss-croissants can happen. It’s basically like a soggy waffle with breakfast slash lunch stuff shoved inside of it. In my case, it was spinach and roasted red pepper. It wasn’t the most horrible thing I had ever put inside of my mouth, but it definitely wasn’t a product worth bringing out of the R&D labs.

Also, the pricing was very curious. For $8.50, I could get two eggs, two strips of bacon, two sausage links and hash browns. OR, I could get the same combo, plus a criss-croissant, for $9. So basically, because I’m cheap, I consumed an extra 500ish calories. (I can’t tell you exactly how many, because it’s not even listed on the ole IHOP menu.)

This criss-croissant is no reason to visit IHOP, unless you’re looking to consume an ungodly amount of calories on the cheap. In which case, it’s probably better to just frequent your favorite, local greasy spoon. Please do not reward these Dr. Frankensteins of Breakfast.

Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other project! If you have a request for a future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check out some of the past Steveats, go here!

Steveats: Wendy’s Bacon Mozzarella Burger (with tons of lettuce)

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

One “advantage” of modern day fast food burgers is that you get a free salad with each one, seemingly. By this, I mean that the workers pile way too god damn much lettuce on the things.

The picture on this entry for the Wendy’s Bacon Mozzarella burger are AFTER I already picked off and ate a good amount of the lettuce. I’m not sure why this is the new modus operandi for fast food burger prep – I think it makes the burger look smaller, and it’s like they have something to hide.

And let me be clear, for one of the first times for this feature, Wendy’s has nothing to hide. The Bacon Mozzarella burger IS pretty tasty, with its thicker bun (garlic Brioche, according to their literature) and the feature ingredient of mozzarella. Both were pretty tasty, especially as compared to other fast food efforts and their own gooey and soggy Jalapneo Fresco chicken sandwich, a past Steveats target.

Unasked for salad aside, this is a tasty burger. Of course, it’s still horrible for you – 620 calories! – and overpriced at about $4.50. For that much, I’d rather have the equivalent three McDoubles or four Rodeo burgers. But if you’re looking for just one really good burger, by fast food standards, then the Wendy’s Bacon Mozzarella burger is currently the reigning king. (Note: I’m only referring to the Big Three national fast food chains here – Wendy’s, McDonald’s and BK.)

Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other project! If you have a request for a future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check out some of the past Steveats, go here!