Inexplicable Movie Review: Austin Powers 3 (GOLDMEMBER)

Note: Spoilers follow for the entire Austin Powers movie series.

 

So! Karen and I finally rounded out our viewing of the Austin Powers trilogy with the third movie the other night. While it wasn't as bad as I remembered, and actually enjoyable in some parts, it definitely feels like a movie that squandered an opportunity.

Austin Powers 3 is actually named after Goldmember, who's seemingly the main villain of the film. However, he's relegated to a fairly minor role because of all the other characters they have to cram in, either for cameos or full roles - Dr. Evil, Nigel Powers, Foxy Cleopatra, Scott Evil, Fat Bastard... As a result, Goldmember never really feels fleshed out. (Also, he literally peels his flesh off and eats it, which is somehow way more disgusting and not as funny as Austin drinking shit in the second movie.)

The back-burnering is the movie's biggest flaw. Since there are so many characters they have to include, pretty much none of them get all that much shine. Dr. Evil, Scott and the Powers family get the best lines and most development, and a movie centered around them would have been much better. Michael Caine as the father of Austin Powers is on-the-nose casting and works great.

The series as a whole gets a bit of a knock at times for just being crap humor (literally) and gags, but the first two movies actually have their good, subtle moments. You know, like when Austin tells Basil that Vanessa was a fembot. "Yes Austin, I'm afraid we knew all along. *long beat.* Anyway, your next assignment..." The first two movies simultaneously spoofed and embraced what you'd expect from a spy movie.

In contrast, the third movie is just kind of stupid and obvious, especially with its meta moments. The opening is fine, with camera mugging by Tom Cruise, Paltrow and especially Danny Devito. However, we then get the same "aren't we funny to be self-referential?" thing another half dozen times throughout the movie.

Also, there is a clear reason why Beyonce got out of the acting game, except for biographical music videos. She is just so meh in this. It would be one thing if she was hammy and bad - that would have been perfect for an Austin Powers movie. But she's just kind of there for the ride.

Part of it is bad writing, since she isn't given much to do. She gets kicked in the face by Goldmember three times, for example, whereas Vanessa and Felicity were portrayed as much more competent agents. Oh well. There is a big singing number for her at least, and predictably, she does knock that out of the park.

ODDS AND ENDS

- This is the last movie I ever received on VHS for a gift. I think even by this time, I had a DVD player, but for Christmas my parents could only find the vhs or something. I did buy some more tapes at a Blockbuster closing sale a few years later, but otherwise Austin Powers 3 was the closing act on VHS for me.

- I did watch the deleted scenes for this movie, and as usual, they left some good stuff on the cutting room floor. This includes a creepy song with a Rob Lowe cameo, and a genuinely funny Scott Evil moment asking about sitting in the head chair.

- Not included in the deleted scenes of this DVD release was one allegedly shot, which had Heather Graham (Felicity) explaining why she dumped Austin. That's always a weird, glaring thing to me about the third movie. It's a scene that literally would have taken 30 seconds to include, in a movie that already runs close to two hours.

- Two aspects of the movie that have not aged well at all - The Osborne family cameo, and Dr. Evil's "Hard Knock Life." Both feel pretty forced and not especially funny.

- Dana Carvey wasn't in this movie, but he was in Wayne's World with Mike Myers. That's close enough for me to acknowledge that his Nerdist episode was really awesome. If you're looking for 90 good minutes of Carvey, definitely check it out. He talks frankly about his impersonations, his career lull and the Wayne's World movies, and the effect they had on him.

- After seeing Austin Powers 3, I'm a bit more bullish on an Austin Powers 4. It could definitely work and be funny! Plus, even though the third is "only" about 15 years old, there have been such technology jumps again that there is plenty of fertile ground for Austin / Myers to till. You know, like Austin on Tinder, or playing Pokémon Go. 

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Existential questions about this rap game

On "Justify My Thug" by Jay-Z, which is the 11th track off The Black Album, he remarks that if you shoot his dog, he's going to kill your cat, which is an unwritten law of rap.

1) How can it be unwritten? You just wrote it down and rapped about it.

2) Why you gotta be shooting animals, Jay-Z?

3) Does Beyonce know about this? I feel like this could potentially endanger your relationship. I would keep it on the down-low.

4) How many dogs and cats were shot while you were moving snowflakes by the O.Z.?

Note: I really like Jay-Z, although in typical square fashion, my favorite albums are The Black Album, The Grey Album, his MTV Unplugged performance and his tracks on DJ Hero. Even my street credit is lame - sorry folks.

The art of commercial casting

[Left]: This woman is not actually a doctor.

There is a certain art to female television commercial casting. What it basically boils down to: the woman has to be attractive, but not TOO attractive.

For example, if the girl is ridiculously hot, it means the commercial is a farce. There are unquestionably hot girls in the Axe, Tag and Right Guard commercials, and all of them are farces. The exceptions to this are commercials featuring makeup or beauty products, but this is normally by accident, or feature “respected” hotties. Beyonce (good) vs. Carmen Elektra (bad).

The more common woman featured in commercials in the subtly hot girl, especially in birth control commercials. I'm not sure why this is; maybe BC companies figure people will have more sex if a good-looking woman is involved. Prominent examples are Yaz (the “I'm a doctor!” woman is foxy as heck) and Minerva (even though the redhead has like 14 kids in the commercial). This does not apply to condom commercials, which normally take from the “very hot” category (Trojan).

The “subtle hot” model is also sometimes cast by accident. For example, for years Dove had a campaign where they cast “normal looking” women in their deodorant and beauty commercials. This would have been a good idea, except that almost everyone they chose was still hot. Some might have been thicker than a normal television model, but pretty much all of them had great complexions and, to use a medical term, nice cans.

And finally, there is the “we have a message” commercials, which just have normal people because the story is more important. Gastric bypass surgery commercials have this sort of model, as do weight loss commercials, oddly. You would think that Jenny Craig commercials would have nothing but 10s, but more often, you have frumpier people involved. Same with Nutrisystem and the male workout videos, although they often rely on former professional athletes. Charitable causes – donating to the blood bank, fighting against juvenile diabetes – are also normally exempt from hotness concerns because of the message involved.

With the last category, I get the feeling that actual models aren't used, which is probably part of the reason why all different looks are incorporated. The other reason good-looking women are almost always cast is a practical one in my opinion – There is no economic incentive to cast a less attractive one.

If you go into a modeling agency, obviously Nikki Taylor or Carmen Elektra will set you back more cash, but there probably isn't much monetary difference between Unknown A and Unknown B. I tried to argue this point in Women's Studies classes once, but it got kind of brushed aside without an adequate answer. If you go to a restaurant and prime rib is the same price as sirloin, then there is no real incentive to get the sirloin.

To end this randomly, this whole subject percolated in my mind about six months ago, as I seriously thought about launching a web site called “That Chick In That Commercial” with a buddy. We didn't, mostly because I thought there had to be some site out there already like this; a la Knocked Up, when Seth Rogan finds out about Dr. Skin. But there are dozens of commercials out there with fetching women that nobody has heard of, but they'd like to know more about. (My current favorite would be the Alamo rental car lady customer, who is easy on the eyes and has a sort of nutty energy about her that is appealing.)