A random collection of commentary on the 1990s, sports, pop culture, video games, journalism, writing and ego. You know, like every other blog in existence. Except written by me. Oh, and also, my cat wrote a few entries too.
Showing posts with label The Baggage Game. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Baggage Game. Show all posts
So, I've gotten some questions and comments while I've been gone. Doing my best to sum them up…
Q: Hey, how come you hate Kristen Wiig so much?
A: The weird thing is that I kind of don't as much anymore. Since I wrote about wanting to get her fired from Saturday Night Live, they have been using her in radically less skits. (Obviously, the writers and producers over there are big time fans of Stephen On Stuff.)
I still find a lot of her characters, like the neurotic K-Mart clerk and the neurotic Lawrence Whelk Show lady and the neurotic every character in every sketch lady, very annoying. However, when they have her play an actual human being, she's pretty decent. (Still, they need to use Jay Pharaoh more.)
An odd offshoot of all of this is that Wiig apparently has a huge following with younger girls. I got at least two e-mails from angry 14-year-olds, who proclaimed that Wiig is God's gift to comedy. The reference I was making to Lorne Michaels and The Beatles kind of went completely over their heads.
Q: When is The Baggage Game coming back? Do you still watch?
A: I had to put my viewing on hold for a bit, just because I wasn't blogging at all, and my DVR access was a bit limited. However, I do still watch Baggage, and I've started to queue up some episodes for review. I'll probably resume this coming week.
It's weird to me how much pull this show has, and I'm glad that they're still doing new episodes. Springer is just so god damn awesome on it. Also, it seems like my blog is the definitive source for it, oddly enough. From the Model Mayhem board, it seems like they had an encounter with one of the dudes, and a couple other people have found some older entries.
Q: What the heck do you do each day now anyway?
A: In case you missed the earlier entries, or you just managed to find this one, I'm currently an editor and reporter for Narragansett Patch (hence the widget on the side). The job does keep me pretty busy writing, which is why my output on here was so diminished. However, I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things.
When I'm not writing, I enjoy a wide variety of activities. Lately, this has mostly consisted of taking care of my 17-year-old cat, playing PS3, sleeping and kickball. Yes, kickball. Which is where I'm headed to now as I write this, nine hours before it posts, so see ya.
Ah, time for another edition of The Baggage Game! As usual, you can find the Excess Baggage here, and the episode I'm blogging about is linked on the bottom of this entry.
Today's dater is Anthony, a salesman from Philadelphia. He looks kind of like Dule Hill from Psych and The West Wing. He's looking for a classy lady with goals of her own who isn't stuck up.
The first potential dater is a journalist, Dita, from Tijuana, Mexico. I wonder if she's fleeing death threats from a drug cartel; this might also explain the huge comb-over she has on one of her eyes. However, in this case "journalist" is code for "does videos about hip-hop artists" and doesn't really refer to reporting. You can find her Blogger profile here. She says she won't let anything get in her way of winning Anthony's heart.
Next up is Kim, a saleswoman for L.A. She says she hopes Anthony and her "can take a few steps together" toward reducing their carbon footprint. I have no idea why that's supposed to be alluring. And finally, we have Kia, a researcher from Dayton, Ohio, who bills herself as an independent woman with an active lifestyle.
First Round
Dita: I believe The Bible is a hoax. Kim: I only have sex with the lights on. Kia: I must pick out my man's clothing.
Anthony doesn't view Dita's issue as a positive. Dita says there are good lessons in there, but she thinks that parts of it are fabricated. Pretty reasonable to surmise, at least to me. (Random note of Dita: She has a huge tat of something right on her bicep. It is highly distracting.) Kim's baggage doesn't really strike me as baggage, since I don't mind being able to see what I'm doing. Meanwhile, Kia is coming across like a control freak. It doesn't help that she adds, "I like to wear the pants in the relationship, and I like to pick them out as well."
Second Round
Kim: I wear disguises to spy on my boyfriend. Kia: I won't cook, clean or do laundry. (Jerry quips, "It sounds like she's already married.") Dita: I cheated on an ex with my employee.
Wow - That first girl would need to GTFO. It just reeks of craziness AND control issues, which is a nice double whammy. The ex is mildly concerning, but it could just be an isolated incident. Whereas the no cook, clean or laundry person, I wouldn't mind that so much, because I imagine she's bringing plenty else to the table to make up for it.
Anthony eliminates the no cooker though, which turns out to be Kia. Well, no great loss there. The two girls snipe at one another, and Kim actually has the wig she used to go spying. ick. And now, we're off to the Hot Seat now!
Dita's New Year's Resolution was to cut down on eating, she suggests the slogan "It's all about faith, baby!" for Anthony, she needs passion in a relationship, when she was five she wanted to be a journalist growing up, and hip-hop defines her style. She THEN adds that she's going commando today (direct quote!) and otherwise, she would bust a move, so instead, she does a rap. ack. Kim's biggest vice is smoking, nothing turns her on more than getting her hair played with, she thinks men don't understand that little things mean a lot, her biggest fear is bugs, and her go-to dance move is a wind.
Final Elimination Round
Dita: I've been arrested for shoplifting. Kim: I participate in sex auctions. Kia (eliminated): I'm a cheater and I've never been caught.
Well, uh, I guess Kia won't be showing this tape at get-togethers... Dita's baggage is pretty mild as far as the final round goes, so she would definitely be my choice. (This also makes me feel better about posting the link to her profile up above.)
Meanwhile, Kim, good lord. Anthony says he doesn't even know what that is, and I'm with him. Kim says that you go to an auction, and people bid on having sex with you. She let herself be bid on, and the winning price was... $300,000??? What the hell! I have NO idea why anyone would pay that much for her. She looks like a female version of Webster. She further explains that it was "for charity," although I wonder how the hell a charity writes off a $300,000 donation from a sex auction.
Kim sounds like a complete nut show, and Dita seems pretty normal, so I wouldn't hesitate in eliminating Kim. Anthony thinks it over though, and does the complete opposite! Anthony, you scum bag. Sigh. Anyway, his baggage is one of these three...
- I hire a prostitute every year for my birthday. (My guess.) - I went to the prom dressed as a woman. - I've had several high speed police chases.
Given how he's willing to accept Kim's sexual baggage, I'm assuming that Anthony's baggage is the prostitute thing. All three are kind of weird and/or gross to me, although the prom thing is the least worrisome. I could see plausible explanations for that.
Kim says she would find the birthday prostitute thing the most concerning. However, Anthony throws both of us for a loop, and reveals that he has been in several high speed chases. And that they never caught him! He did this because his license was suspended. Well, that's awesome Anthony. However, Kim the Sex Auction Bait says she likes fast cars, and she accepts his baggage. How sweet, I guess.
1) My friend Tom actually tracked down the former NFL player, Taylor Horn, from yesterday's blog entry. You can find his modeling website here, which has a link to his blog here. His blog is... interesting. He apparently does not believe in the letter C, and replaces all of his C's with K's. He also writes a bit about the Baggage casting:
The producer of Baggage Kalled me yesterday to ask me if I was ready for the show? She also wanted to know what my wardrobe was going to be. I told her don’t worry about my wardrobe I’m Koming in fresh, I will be getting my grown man on and hell yeah I’m ready! I asked her if the girl they selected was Kute? She asked Why? I replied beKause I am going to win. More than likely you got me up against two chumps. You should ask about a Morehouse Man. I do not want to be seen on T.V. being hooked with a ugly chick. The producer laughed and said I love the Konfidence. This is going to be fun and fuuuuuuny. I will blog about it Fri night.
2) Also regarding the Baggage experience, one of the past contestants, Ted, said a friend of his linked him to this blog. He commented about his experience on this entry here. Thanks for sharing again, Ted!
Taylor's photo is from his modeling profile, which is already linked above.
Time for some more of The Baggage Game. You can check out the Excess Baggage here, and the episode itself should be linked at the bottom of this entry.
Today's dater is Annette, a substitute teacher from L.A. Wow, I can't imagine living in that city on what most subs make; maybe she's union or something. She wants a guy who is into music, because she sings a bit on the side. Jerry makes her sing (get your mind out of the gutter), and she does, indeed, have good pipes.
First up is Taylor, a professional track runner from Long Beach... who played two years in the National Football League??? Wow. Next is Spencer, a health consultant from Boston. He's wearing perhaps the worst outfit ever on Baggage - a pink dress shirt, a loose, skinny black tie, and a badly-fitting black vest. Oh, and a sideways blue baseball cap. Egads. Finally, we have Dexter, a massage therapist from St. Louis. Annette makes a funny face when he comes out, because while she is black and pretty, and the other two dudes are black and studly, Dexter looks kind of like Jared from the Subway commercials. This could be an interesting game!
First Round
Taylor: I wear dentures. Spencer: I collect Happy Meal toys. Louis: I'm a horrible dancer.
Taylor is missing teeth like a hockey player because of football background. He promises that when Annette is making love with him, "She wouldn't be worried with what's up here." Hi-oh! Despite his horrible outfit, it sounds like Spencer and I could hang out, since I do like toys. However, he adds that he has a 6-year-old son. ick. Meanwhile, Jerry makes Louis dance, and it is really spastic and horrible, but it gets a good rise out of the crowd.
Second Round
Spencer: I have two sugar babies. Dexter: I believe we come from aliens. Taylor: My dates must wear socks during sex.
The aliens thing is oddly popular, as some dude last week also believed he came from aliens. That's weird, but not as concerning to me as the sugar babies thing. Seriously? The crowd boos the socks thing, which to me, barely counts as baggage. They're just socks, not tu-tus.
Annette thinks about it for a bit, and sends the aliens dude packing. Although the sugar baby would be more concerning to me, I can see her reasoning. This turns out to be the super-square Dexter, who adds that he thinks Battlestar Galatica is a documentary. On his way out, he fist-bumps and shakes, haha. He's won the crowd over completely. Taylor says the socks are because he's anemic, and thus, he loses his erection if his feet are cold. Well, thanks for that info, Taylor.
Time for the Hot Spot. If Taylor had to pick a Jaime Foxx movie title to describe his love life, it would be booty call. Additionally, he talks to his mother every day, he likes to be kissed everywhere, and he says what Tiger Woods did happens to us all (???). Spencer was the class clown in school, he would stick close to Annette if one of her flirty ex'es was around, Miley Cyrus is the most-played artist on his iPod, and he has a six-time member of the Mile High Club.
Final Elimination Round
Taylor: I cheated on an ex more than 100 times. Spencer: I'm in therapy for anger management. Dexter (eliminated): I'm addicted to self-help books.
Holy hell, Taylor! He says one of his ex'es became celibate while he was dating her, and he decided to cheat on her instead of breaking up with her. And while Spencer needs anger management, at least he's trying to get support for his issue, which Annette notes as well.
However, despite this, she sends Spencer home. He promptly says, "I'm going to go into the audience and find sugar baby number three." Classy dude, and I'm sure he's a great dad. Anyway, Annette's baggage is one of these three:
- I dated my last two gynos. - I branded my cheating ex with a curling iron. - I won't do it until my man says, "I do." (My guess)
The gyno thing is just weird, and reflects more poorly on the doctors as opposed to Annette. (But seriously, why would you want someone who pokes at your junk to then come home to it?) The curling iron thing seems like a one-time violent act. However, I'm betting her actual baggage is the virginity, since the other dudes on the show are huge players, apparently.
Taylor says he would have the biggest problem if she was waiting until marriage, and I'm a genius, because that is totally her baggage! mwhahaha. However, I think Taylor wants that free meal more than anything else, and he accepts her baggage.
Also, I'm a bit disappointed in myself - I can't find Taylor on the Internets. While he notes on the show that he went to Florida State and spent three years in the NFL, I don't think he finished his college career at FSU, so I can't find him. womp womp womp!
Ah, The Baggage Game! If you don't know what the eff I'm doing here, well, click the label at the bottom of the entry. You'll get the gist. (Although, it's really not that hard from just, you know, reading this. Whatever.) The Excess Baggage is here, and you can find the show linked at the bottom of this entry.
Today's dater is Zack, a dreamy looking mofo from Napa Valley, California. He's also billed as a "software engineer," suggesting he's loaded. You son of a bitch! He wants a sophisticated girl who's also comfortable working on his car with him. Jerry notes, "You're looking for a wine drinking mechanic?" Touche, Jerry.
First up is Chandra, an art curator from Atlanta, Georgia. She is wearing a dress that can be described as influenced by Princess Toadstool - ruffles everywhere! - yet it has the color of a lemon. ick. She seems quite sweet though, so good for her. Next up is Bethany, a restaurant hostess from Louisville, Kentucky. She is really, really pale, and kind of looks like... Well, I can't think of a good celeb comparison. She looks like my friend Emily. Alyson Hannigan with strawberry blonde hair? However, I'm definitely a fan. Finally, we have a novelist from Lima, Peru - Vanessa. I'm meh to her already; she seems snotty. We'll see though.
First Round
Chandra: I've never voted. Bethany: I spend $150 a week on pot. Vanessa: I love to eat baby food.
Chandra makes things worse by saying that she doesn't think voting matters because so many people do it. Zack doesn't seem like a huge fan of this. Meanwhile, Bethany immediately falls out of my good graces for the pot thing, even though she explains that it's because she needs it for medical marijuana. I still say feh! Vanessa's baggage is just weird, and she says she likes it because the "tiny containers are the perfect amount for me." Ye gads.
Second Round
Chandra: I don't shave my legs or wear deodorant. (Zack says, "That's nasty.") Vanessa: I've dated more women than men. Bethany: I scream, scratch and punch in my sleep.
Okay... The deodorant girl would need to GTFO immediately for me. For that, and the legs thing. The middle girl doesn't even have real baggage. Zack notes, "I don't know if I would be interested enough to lop off my genitalia for her," taking it to a really weird level I wasn't even thinking of. Meanwhile, the last girl just seems like she has night terrors, which I bet could get under control with medication.
However, Zack eliminates the girl who has dated more women then men, which gets a loud, angry "NO!" from a guy in the crowd. hahaha. Vanessa the Baby Food Eater turns out to be the eliminated girl. Womp womp womp. I'm also basically "out" for this game, since Bethany the Pot Smoker and Chandra No-Shave would both be completely unrealistic for me, and I haven't even gotten to their third-level baggage yet.
It's time for the Hot Spot though! If Shandra was a cereal, she would be Cookie Crisps, she prefers shower sex over elevator sex, she's worried about being left at the altar, and she'd like to try sexual roleplaying. If Bethany could make love in any one place, it would be "on the rooftop of a building anywhere but Cleveland" (??? How specific!), she considers herself like a panther, she gave one of her ex's the nickname "grandma's boy," and her go-to move in the bedroom is reverse cowgirl. (Holy hell, they're working blue this show!)
Final Elimination Round
Shandra: I left my fiance at the altar. Bethany: I stole my co-worker's husband. Vanessa (eliminated): I spent two years in a psych facility.
Too bad Vanessa is eliminated, Zack could have had a bonkers time with her! *rimshot* Jerry rightly points out that Shandra's biggest baggage matches her biggest fear, which is oddly hypocritical. However, if I was still interested in either one of them, I'd find Bethany's baggage a lot more concerning. Bethany said she was really young and really dumb, and she wouldn't repeat the behavior. Well, that allays my fears a bit, so I probably would go for her over Shandra.
Zack ponders the situation for a bit, but he ultimately decides to send Bethany packing. Shandra lets out a "Yes!" of joy. Bethany notes that she'll be "riding off into the sunset on another cowboy." See, it's funny, because she likes reverse cowboy - You get it? Get it? Anyway, Zack's baggage is one of these three:
- I've spent $63,000 on a dominatrix. (My guess for his baggage.) - I abandonded my ex while vacationing in Thailand. - I believe women should be barefoot and pregnant.
Shandra says the $63,000 would bother her the most, whereas for me, it would just make me go, "Meh." Zack seems pretty god damn rich, from his mannerisms and job and where he lives, so I imagine he has $63,000 to blow on dominatrices. Sure, it's a stupid way to spend money, but so are rims and pimp chalices. Instead, I would be freaking out about the ex thing! Unless she was from Thailand, that's simply inexcusable and outrageous behavior. She could get killed! The third thing just falls under gross male chauvinism, and it's tame by Baggage standpoints.
Zack's actual baggage is the chauvinism stuff, which Shandra clearly isn't really into. Considering that she doesn't shave her legs, this isn't exactly surprising. And she doesn't take too much time to reject him. No match tonight - Exceeellllent.
Welcome to another edition of The Baggage Game! This was actually supposed to post last night, but something got buggered up, and I didn't notice until now. Hence, the weird title. As usual though, you can find the Excess Baggage here, and the episode itself is linked at the bottom. And the neat image above is from this artist's website.
Today's contestant is Danny, a website designer from Kneilworth, New Jersey, and he's wearing a smart vest. He wants someone who can appreciate horror films. He kind of looks like a Jonas brother.
The first potential dater is Sharla, who is billed as a "dancer" from Apple Valley, California. She is tall, busty and blonde, but dressed conservatively, so she might not be THAT kind of dancer. (She definitely could be though.) Next up is an "agency representative" from Houston, Texas, named Ty. And finally, there is Evelyn, a public relations rep from Key Largo, Florida. I dislike her immediately because her blouse is tucked into her super high shorts. Of the three, Sharla definitely wins the beauty contest.
First Round
Sharla: I have a collection of 50 knives. (Jerry says, "And 49 ex-boyfriends.") Ty: I spend $1,000 a month on my hair. (Jerry says, "That is unbe-weave-able.") Evelyn: I always pick my nose while driving.
Sharla says nothing is sexier to her than a girl with a knife. Well then. Ty's baggage makes her sound like she's horrible with money. And while Evelyn's baggage is gross, I do plenty of gross stuff too, so that wouldn't really dissuade me.
Second Round
Sharla: I kissed a girl and I liked it. Ty: I plan my wedding after the first date. Evelyn: I was rejected by an online dating site. (Jerry says, "Maybe she had some kind of virus.")
The first baggage is pretty benign for Baggage. Seriously, I'm sure plenty of gals have drunkenly kissed another gal. The second girl would be the most worrisome to me, and I'm generally a guy who likes commitment. You plan the wedding after the first date? The first one??? Goodness. (The crowd agrees with me, and lets out an angry scowl.) Meanwhile, I imagine the girl who got rejected is either bisexual, or she was already in a relationship at the time. Otherwise, I can't imagine why you'd get the boot.
But somewhat surprisingly to me, Danny decides to reject the dating site girl, and to keep the marriage woman. The online dating site woman turns out to be Evelyn. It turns out she was on some site where you describe your ideal guy, and it couldn't find him for her. This sounds like somewhat weak baggage to me, but whatever! I definitely would have kept her over the marriage girl, which turns out to be Ty. And Sharla continues to seem more and more appealing.
Time for the Hot Spot! Sharla is best described by "Genie in a Bottle" (note: limited to Christina songs), she will brag about being able to fit in her prom dress at her next high school reunion, three times a night is too many, she would blast her music to get Danny's attention at a traffic light, and fooling around is best when the moment strikes. (Note: Sharla has a tattoo of like a wristband on her leg, which is very distracting.) Ty likes Rob Pattison (the Twilight dude) over Rob Lowe, she spends too much money on perfume, when she's alone she likes to sing naked to her imaginary American Idol fans, and the one word she would use to describe Danny is hot.
Final Elimination Round
Sharla: I don't believe "fooling around" is cheating. Ty: I poke holes in condoms. Evelyn (eliminated): I emptied my bank account for a psychic.
Ick Sharla. And we were doing so well together! She clarifies that flirting isn't a big deal to her as long as she's coming home to him. However, her overall package is still WAY better than Ty, who clearly wants to get pregnant right away or something. Ye gads! She says she's really ready to move forward in her life. The already-eliminated Evelyn also sounds nutty, since she says she's into the psychic still.
Danny thinks it over for a minute, and then sends my girl Sharla home. Womp, womp, womp! He and Ty hug, and exchange a little cheek kiss. Danny's baggage is one of these three:
- I falsely impersonated a priest. - I live in a tree house. - My penis is all over the Internet.
The penis thing is definitely the worst. I'd hesitate if a girl I was dating had her boobs or vagine (in Borat terminology) all over the Internet. The tree house thing suggests to be some sort of hippie freak, which would also stink, whereas I would associate the priest thing with Halloween or a prank.
Ty says she would have a problem with the tree house thing the most, but Danny's actual baggage is the wang thing. He said that in 2006, he was a Playgirl centerfold. (Note: I am definitely not looking this up or providing a link for it :/ ) He said the shoot is available all over the Internet, and it gets some catcalls from the audience. Ty says she can accept his baggage though, and they kiss briefly on the lips.
Welcome to The Baggage Game! As usual, you can find the video linked at the bottom of this entry. Unfortunately, the Excess Baggage for the show is down right now. Sorry!
Today's dater is Tracy, a business owner from Tuscon, Arizona, who looks like she has been cast in an adult movie as a schoolgirl. She's wearing a sort of gray vest with a white blouse, but a really short black skirt. Tracy looks a bit like a bustier, older Anna Kendrick. She wants an artistic guy "who can kiss good." Why, heavens! (Note: Tracy is really, really good looking, since Anna Kendrick is currently in my top three.)
Mark is the first candidate, and he's a financial planner from Houston, Texas. He loves music and road trips. He's looking for a girl with class in public, but a wild side behind closed doors. He kind of looks like that loser Jake from The Bachelor. Next up is Eric, a fitness trainer from New York City. He has really cool facial hair, and he looks like he could be a linebacker for the Giants. He's also a massage therapist, which gets an ooo from the crowd. Finally, we have Andrew, a social worker from Chicago. He's really, really normal looking and seems a bit timid, so I'm betting he's the "freak show" candidate for this game.
First Round
Mark: I own 250 pieces of hamburger memorabilia. (Jerry says, "That's a whopper.") Eric: I used to be a stripper. Andrew: I always use coupons on dates. (Jerry says, "I use coupons to buy prunes, but not dates.")
Mark's baggage is... weird, but not that unusual. Eric says he hung his G-string up a while ago, so if that was a female, that wouldn't bug me so much. Meanwhile, Tracy rightly points out that she doesn't know nice restaurants that accept coupons. I'm with her on this - a coupon on a date is just kind of tacky. Boo!
Second Round
Andrew: I'm a paying member of nine dating services. Mark: I share a credit card with my former girlfriend. Eric: I have a collection of stolen women's panties.
Well, there is the obvious "go home" here - Definitely the panties guy. That's just weird and freaky, dude. Overlooking this obviously horrible thing, the credit card thing would be the next-worrisome thing. And I'm confused as to how someone can be a member of NINE dating services. I'm on two, and neither cost any money.
Tracy hesitates for about half a second before eliminating the panties guy. You go girl! This turns out to be Eric the Stripper. He says it's "a nice, clean collection," and does explain that the girls left them behind at his house. This makes me wonder what kind of women he's "dating," if that's the proper term. I've never had any panties left at my place, ever.
Hot spot time! Mark's most treasured possession is his dog (which he shares with his ex, by the way, and hence the shared credit card), women like his charm, he won't have sex on the first date, and the strangest place he's had sex was the front yard of someone else's house. Andrew gets in the mood when his girlfriend cooks, he'd ask a genie for good health, he fantasizes about Megan Fox, he listens to a woman to make her feel special (Jerry says, "What's that like?"), and the wildest thing he's done in bed is take directions (???).
Final Elimination Round
Mark: I keep hundreds of nude photos from ex'es. Andrew: I've gone to Russia three times to find a wife. Eric (eliminated): I love drinking breast milk.
Wow - It would be awesome if Mark's ex-girlfriends were watching the show. He said it's mostly because they're from long distance relationships, which makes it worse to me. He sounds like a womanizer and sexual freak. Meanwhile, Andrew is on the other end of the spectrum. Even when he talks, he sounds nebbish and not confident with himself. No wonder he wants to settle down, like now, because I can't imagine he's had sex yet.
Given the baggage, I'd eliminate Mark, just because he's sleazy. Neither one of them seems like a great guy though, so I almost wonder if Tracy would rather have Eric the Stripper and Breast Milk Drinker back. She goes back and forth a bit on them, and rightly says about Andrew, "He seems so desperate that I think he'd settle for anybody." She then eliminates him, which makes sense to me. Tracy's baggage is one of these three things:
- I'm currently on parole. - I'm a topless magician. (My guess, but not a strong guess.) - I pushed a boyfriend's car off a cliff.
Tracy hasn't shown a ton of personality throughout the game, so I don't have a good read on what her baggage could be. Of these three, the parole thing would be the most worrisome, depending on what it's for. Drugs, or a third DUI? Ick. But if it's just some minor crime, then it would be game on. The topless magician thing would be weird, but meh, whatever! It's a living. And the car thing, I would just assume the guy was a dick.
Mark says he would be most concerned with the car off the cliff, because "I'm a big car guy." However, I bet it's because most of his relationships end badly. Her actual baggage is the topless magician thing though, which gets a loud cheer from the crowd. Of course, they have a picture of it, and she looks GREAT. Mark takes about half a second to accept her baggage, and they get to go to a fancy steakhouse for a date.
And, after doing some snooping, it looks like Tracy might be Tracy Dali - You can see her IMDB here. If not, the resemblance is striking. She has been in a surprising number of films, although I'm a bit miffed that her baggage was the illusionist thing, considering that she is apparently Playboy's most downloaded lingerie model.
Welcome to another installment of The Baggage Game! As usual, the Excess Baggage is here, and the episode is linked at the bottom of this entry.
Today's contestant is Shelly, a buxom blonde fitness trainer from Hollywood, California. She kind of looks like the blonde whore woman from Sex and the City, except actually in shape. I might also be thinking this because her dress is essentially painted on to her body.
First up is Ian, a "legal researcher" from Washington D.C. He looks a bit like Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation. And I don't mean the actor, I mean he looks like Worf. Up next is a real estate financial officer from Santa Monica, California, named Derek. He has on a pink dress shirt. And finally, we have Adam, a songwriter from Ventura, California. He mentions that he is into tantric sex - all class. And also, Shelly is WAY better looking than all of them.
First Round
Ian: I don't believe in tipping. (Jerry says, "You wouldn't want to go back to the same restaurant.") Derek: I collect my navel lint. Adam: I used to wear lip gloss, lacy tights and a G-string.
Man Ian, what a dirtbag. Who are you, Mr. Pink from Reservoir Dogs? Derek says belly buttons are like black holes, and thus, they fascinate him. I threw up a bit in my mouth though. Adam sounds like he was in a hair metal band, and he reveals that he was indeed a lead singer in a 1980s hair metal band. (I'm so smart!)
Second Round
Derek: I've had conjugal visits with women in prison. (Jerry says, "Maybe he likes woman in orange." Shelly adds, "Maybe he likes women in handcuffs.") Ian: I drink seven nights a week. Adam: I disowned my parents.
Okay - The first two things are equally concerning to me, in a bad way. You're either so trashy, you don't care that you're bangin' women in prison, or your judgment is horrible and you're hooking up with felons. Drinking seven nights a week seems a bit... extreme. At one point in college, I decided to have a beer every night before bed, and even then I felt like a bit of an alcoholic. However, I actually view the parent disowning as a positive thing - No doubt they are nutty and chaotic. Push coming to shove, I'd get rid of the prison dude.
Shelly's dealbreaker turns out to be the same. "Why are you visiting a woman behind bars and not at the bar?" Oh, how clever of you to say! This turns out to be Derek-the-navel-picker anyway, so no great loss. Adam says that his dad re-married a horrible woman, and his mom is "beyond words," hence his no contact. Ian has some convoluted reasoning about his drinking, saying that studies have shown a drink or two at night prevents binge drinking in the long run. (This sounds dubious to me, especially since he's slurring as he's talking.)
On to the Hot Spot! Ian likes bare feet over stilletos and boots, he's most obsessed with his hair, he used to be a floral arranger and the worst injury he has sustained during sex is a crook neck. Adam thinks All The Right Moves describes him on the dance floor, he would build a shrine to Madonna in his living room (if he had to build a shrine), his voice is his best feature, and he wants to hear "more" during sex. (Jerry wants to hear, "This one's free.") Adam then sings a bit, and honestly, his voice is a little pitchy, dawg.
Final Elimination Round
Ian: I have the worst credit score possible. Adam: I believe I'm the descendant of aliens. Derek (eliminated): I think I have three illegitimate offspring.
Man, too bad that Derek is gone, huh? Ian's baggage is pretty bad too, and I'm not a fan of Shelly response, "How can he buy me the things I want?" I say FEH to you! Shelly thinks the alien thing is a little weird, and I agree, but at least Adam isn't destitute. Adam just thinks everyone is descendant from aliens, not just him, if that makes it better.
Ian has too much baggage for me, and Shelly as well, and he's sent packing. Her own baggage is one of these three:
- I slipped my ex a sleeping pill on his wedding day. - I make S&M fetish videos. (My odds on favorite for her actual baggage.) - I make my man pay my credit card bill.
Oh geez... Well, #3 would definitely be a dealbreaker. I have a new job, but I'm not rich or anything. If Shelly is still doing the fetish videos, then that's a dealbreaker, although I'd at least think about it if it was in her past. And likewise, if the sleeping pill thing was a lonngggg time ago, then it might be game on. But if it was like, last year, meh to her.
Adam says he would have the biggest problem with... Well, he doesn't really expand on his thoughts. But I'm totally right! Shelly does the videos, and said she needs a man who will support and encourage her while she whips and chains dudes. Adam says that's "pretty wild," but it's a fake-out and he rejects her! Zing! And Jerry reminds us at the end, "Love is a journey, so travel light." Wise words to live by, of course.
The Excess Baggage is here, and as usual, the episode is linked at the bottom. If you didn't know, well, now you do.
Today, we have Daniel. He's a life coach from Marin County, California. Apparently, that is a full-time job, so kudos for him! I'm guessing he doesn't need to partake in his own services. He's look for a Renaissance woman that will appreciate the arts, and who has a spiritual side.
For the daters, we have Keri first, a marketing consultant from Los Angeles, California. She is hella pale - Like even paler than I am, and I'm pale. Next is Amy, a legal assistant from St. Louis. She is wearing the most ruffled blue top ever; even Princess Toadstool would be impressed. Finally, we have Cameron, a make-up artist from Santa Monica, California, and self-described "party girl." She loves to put latex on any part of her body she can, which is weird.
First Round
Keri: I haven't missed my soap opera in 30 years. Amy: My dog and I wear matching outfits. Cameron: I sleep with a bite guard.
Regarding Keri, and the others, this is a bit of an older group than usual - Closer to 40 than 30. She lovessss her Days of Our Lives. With Amy's baggage, you can tell she's attractive, since ugly girls don't seem to match their outfits with their dogs. (I'm a master of probing psychological things like this.) Cameron's baggage is so meh and minor. This whole round is a bit of a disappointment so far.
Second Round
Keri: My boyfriend MUST become a vegan. Cameron: I attend spiritual sweat lodges every week. Amy: I stole $10,000 for an ex. (Jerry says, "At least you know she's got money.")
Vegan girl, you can GTFO immediately. I love meat far, far too much to ever become vegan. Heck, I could conceivably be talked into going veggie if I liked the girl enough, but vegan, no way. It limits you way too much in terms of food. The ex thing is somewhat worrisome, but I bet he was an ass anyway. And the sweat lodge thing actually intrigues me; I like hearing about quirky stuff like that.
Daniel kicks the vegan girl to the curb, because he is sensible like me. This turns out to be Keri - Maybe if she had some meat, her skin would tone up a bit. She's bitter on the way out, but seriously, even some god damn meat. The two remaining girls snipe at each other, with Amy claiming that she was justified taking the $10k because her ex-BF was a freeloader.
Hot Spot time! Amy likes to have sex "any time," she'd like to be Hello Kitty, shopping is a vice, she likes Daniel's smile, and she once left in the middle of a date because the guy was a jerk. Cameron is obsessed with sugar, she's been skydiving, she'd buy Daniel "whatever he wants" with $1,000, she wouldn't have anything done if offered free plastic surgery, and size "always" matters to her. So far, Cameron is my favorite, since she seems like less maintenance than Amy.
Final Elimination Round
Amy: I hooked up with a judge to win a pageant. Cameron: I slept with an ex two days before his wedding. Keri (eliminated): I'm a hypochondriac.
Man, Keri sounds like a bit of a freak, huh? Amy is quite bragadacious about sleeping with the judge, and it was just a freakin' Hawaiian Tropic contest! Meanwhile, I was with Cameron at first - I figured, well, it takes two to tango, and the guy wanted to cheat. But then she reveals that it was more of a closure thing for herself! Holy heck! So neither is high on my list, but Cameron seems more artsy-slutty than money-slutty like Amy, so I'd go with her.
Dan ponders it for a minute... And sends Amy home! Even though he has a silly job to me, I feel like Dan and I could hang out and have a beer. His baggage is one of the following three things:
- I donated my seed to three women. - I live in my van. - I faked a terminal illness to break up with a girlfriend.
Okay, to me, the terminal illness is by far the worst. It shows a lack of character and nerve; just break up with the person! (Note: If he was 16 to 21 years old, then it's a little scandalous.) The van thing is bad if it has been going on for a while, understandable if it is a short-term thing. (And if he doesn't live by the river.) Meanwhile, the seed thing is just weird - Dan isn't super dreamy or anything. I'd probably give him a pass on that.
Cameron said she would have the biggest issue with the van thing, noting that it's "tight quarters." Dan reveals that his baggage is... living in his van! (By the way, reminder: He's a LIFE COACH.) And it gets worse, as he says it is totally by choice. And even worse, they have a picture of it, and it looks like a child molester van. Cameron does not really seem pleased about this at all, and asks where they would cook, to which Dan suggests her place. Shockingly though, she accepts his baggage anyway, which also seems to surprise Jerry.
Time for The Baggage Game! You can find the Excess Baggage here, and as always, the full episode is linked at the bottom of this entry.
Tonight the dater is Vince. He looks pretty normal. He's a financial consultant from Newark, New Jersey. He's looking for a girl "as smart as she is sexy" and that can keep up with his "rock star lifestyle." What the eff? You're a financial consultant! Jerry also points this out, to which Vince replies that he expects his lady to be able to drop everything and come out with him if he calls. How lovely.
First up is Brooke, a massage therapist from Austin, Texas. She is really, really attractive, which makes me wonder if "massage therapist" is code for something else. She wants an active guy that can keep up with her. Next up is Darcy, a nanny from Minneapolis, Minnesota. To be mean for a second, she looks like she might be pregnant herself. And finally, we have Mara, a legal accountant from Winnepeg, Canada. This is odd to me because that's the last name of my roommate, and because this girl has dyed platinum blonde hair, which is completely unlike my roommate, her younger sister and her mom, who are all like chestnut brown. Mara is quite attractive, despite the super-dye job and an odd plaid shirt.
First Round
Brenda: I always crack my wrists, neck, feet and knuckles. (Jerry says, "As long as she's not cracking nuts, you're OK.") Darcy: I never sleep more than three hours. Mara: My dog has 36 outfits and 12 pairs of shoes.
Brenda's baggage isn't really baggage, since most people have a quirk like that. Meanwhile, Darcy (who isn't in Pride and Prejudice) is writhing on the bed like an addict and not sleeping, and Mara is spending god knows how much on crap for her dog. Hey Mara, it's a dog! Not a baby. Dogs don't need shoes, that's why they have paws.
Second Round
Brenda: I'm a real-life Runaway Bride. (Jerry says, "You'll wanna elope.") Mara: I have no female friends. Darcy: I use my viberator four times a day. (Vince says, "Is that really baggage?," and I'm with him.)
Man, this is another weak round by Baggage standards. #2 and #3 are fine in context. The runaway bride thing is the only serious issue, so I'd send that girl packing. I don't need that sort of drama. Vince agrees with me, and as a result, Brenda is going home. (It seems odd though, because she says it was just one time.)
Mara says she went to an all-girls Catholic school growing up, and as a result, she doesn't like how catty girls can be. She seems like an absolute sweetheart, and is slowly winning my heart, since Darcy seems a bit... off.
Hot Spot time! Darcy is proudest about getting her Master's, she'd use a superpower on Vince to "make him scream my name," if she could have a threesome with a celebrity couple it would be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie because "they seem like they'd be fun," she doesn't go home with a guy on the first date, and if money wasn't any object, she'd be a psychologist. Mara sees herself as rich and famous in 10 years, salad is the best thing she can cook, she watches porn once a week, she prefers successful men to generous men, and she does an impression of Betty Boop. (Vince says afterward that Mara seems like a gold digger; what a dude!)
Final Elimination Round
Darcy: Only women can give me orgasms. Mara: I keep a portable urinal in my car. Brenda (eliminated): I'm an exotic dancer.
Wow, I called the Brenda thing. Go me! And Darcy's baggage isn't THAT surprising to me, since she seems kind of... off. I'd find it more worrisome than Mara's baggage. Mara says it's because she has a really small bladder, and she gets stuck in L.A. traffic all the time. (I'm assuming she wouldn't be doing it in front of me, and therefore, I'm cooler with Mara overall.)
Vince slags on both women a bit, which seems silly to me, since one of them still has to pick him after hearing his baggage. He eliminates Mara - Boo! She has a good zing on the way out though: "Good luck on someone who needs four settings to squeal." Speaking of Vince's baggage, it's one of the following three...
- I was arrested for streaking at a baseball game. - I'm clinically diagnosed as a man and a woman. - I cheated on my girlfriend with 15 different women.
Of these, the cheating would be an absolute dealbreaker. Seriously, 15 different women? That's just pathologically bad. The "man and woman" thing... Having kids is big to me, so it would hinge on that. And the streaking at a baseball game thing sounds like one-time, drunken behavior, so meh to that. That wouldn't affect my decision-making at all.
To Darcy, the man and woman thing would worry her the most, which Jerry notes would seem odd given her proclivity for both sexes. However, Vince reveals his actual baggage, which is the cheating thing that bugs me the most. He says it's in the past now, and that he wouldn't go looking for it, but as soon as he told ladies this, they would go after him. What a sleaze! Jerry picks up on this immediately, and sarcastically notes, "The burdens of being a man." Darcy enthusiastically shuts the case on Vince, who slithers away. Nice goin', Darc!
If you don't know, now you know... person. Excess Baggage is here, and as usual, you can see the complete episode at the bottom.
Today's contestant is Christa, a very tall "spray tanner" from Firecrest, Washington. Ironically, although she presumably works at a spray tanning place, she is pale and looks kind of Keri Russell. She wants a man with success and "smartness" and dance moves. She wants a guy who can "dance his way through life."
Up first is a security guard from Orlando, Florida - Allen. He's bald, and immediately does a one-hand dance move thing, which immediately impresses Christa. What a ringer! Next is Josh, a pasty white executive assistant from Detroit who inexplicably likes the Buffalo Bills and Phish. And finally, there is Tom, a biological specimen collector from Miami who looks exactly how you'd think he looks.
First Round
Allen: I require three "guy nights" a week. (Jerry asks, "Have you ever had a three-guy night?") Josh: I got my roommate fired. Tom: I love smelling my ear wax.
Josh said the kid really rubbed him the wrong way, so he didn't give him a message that wound up with the kid getting fired. Meanwhile, Tom proves that sometimes looks aren't deceiving. He remarks to Christa that he'd love to "smell her ear wax," which sounds as bad it is. And Allen comes off as a bit of a pig.
Second Round
Josh: I pretend to climax. (Jerry says, "I don't know what the point is.") Tom: I polish my toenails and fingernails. Allen: I was in a Caribbean jail.
How and why the heck is a dude pretending to climax??? What a useless skill. However, the polishing thing is so weird that I'd probably ditch him, even though it's kind of a minor thing. The Caribbean jail thing is mildly concerning, but I imagine it's for a minor thing as well.
Christa eliminates The Pretender though, which I can't blame her for. His explanation makes him sound like a douche - Sometimes your partner finishes before you and you just want to roll over and go to bed. Tom continues to prove that he's a weird mofo, and Allen explains that he "got into a scuffle" while vacationing.
Hot spot time! Allen would go to a dance club, he has mancrushes on Michael Jackson and James Brown, and his secret sexual fantasy is "a girl that smells good around the neck area." (He does several dance moves during this, which impresses her.) Tom's sex life is best described by Cougar Town, the coolest thing he owns is a car, he likes licking girl's teeth (???) to get them in the mood, and he would take his pants off if he was alone in her house.
Final Elimination Round
Allen: I used to be a pimp. Tom: I gambled away my college tuition playing online poker. Josh (eliminated): I destroyed a car and blamed it on a hobo.
Holy heck, that's surprising for Allen. He adds that it did teach him how to "properly treat a lady." But it's not as sad and pathetic as Tom's overall package, so there is no way that I can see Christa picking him. With his baggage, Josh seems like a cartoonish character from a TV drama. Too bad he's gone. Womp womp womp.
And, this is legitimately shocking to me - Christa sends Allen home! Wow! They exchange a biggggg hug on the stage, and she cracks up and pretends to pick his ear. Maybe she has more of a sense of humor than I initially thought. You go girl! Anyway, her baggage is one of these three:
- I was one of seven sister wives in a polygamist family. - I attacked my ex with a chainsaw. - I've never gone all the way.
Christa looks to be in her late 20s, so the virgin thing wouldn't bug me enough to not date her. However, attacking her ex with a chainsaw? Being a polygamist wife? Both of those are potential dealbreakers for me, depending on the circumstances. (Tom laughs about the chainsaw thing and says, "Nice!")
When queried by Jerry, Tom says the virginity thing would bug him the most. "I like to get down and dirty," he said. And of course, that's her baggage. (This suddenly makes more sense about why she's not so into Allen The Pimp.) She comes across as humble and sweet while explaining that she's waiting for the right guy, which makes me like her more. (She's gone from a C- at the start of an episode to an A- now to me.) Tom accepts her baggage anyway though, and they hug nice and tight. (Tom still seems like a creepy rowe-butt.)
You know the drill! Excess Baggage is here, and the episode is linked at the bottom. (Note: You really, REALLY need to see the Excess Baggage for this episode. Even if you don't normally watch the full episode, well, just trust me. It's good times.)
Today we have Tabitha, who is 1) shockingly busty and 2) in a somewhat conservative blue dress that she is still popping out of. We are talking like, Salma Hayek level cleavage here. Good lord. Unfortunately though, her face looks so tightly wound that I'm almost positive they are implants. (I'm not philosophically opposed to implants, but seriously, why get them SO large that EVERYONE knows?)
And true enough, when Jerry asks her about her background, she says she's the cellulite queen. She owns her own cosmetics company in Anaheim, California, so she has developed a cream that gets rid of cellulite (and grows your breasts, apparently). She wants a guy who loves to play Guitar Hero though, so I guess I have a shot!
First up is Ted, who looks like Egon from Ghostbusters. He's from Santa Monica, but unfortunately, he is not a member of Everclear. Next up is an audio technician from Tacoma, Washington - Nate. He does look like he could have been in Everclear, but he sounds like a huge stoner. And finally, we have a property manager from Atlanta, named Myron. He is Wayne Brady, but younger, and minus the hilarious guest appearances on Chappelle's Show.
First Round
Ted: I make voodoo dolls of my ex'es.
Nate: I wear guyliner every day.
Myron: I spend six hours every day playing video games.
Ted sounds pretty effing creepy and obsessive with that baggage. And keep in mind, that's his small baggage! He also brought one with him!!! Nate looks like a rock star, so this isn't surprising. Tabitha says it's kind of hot, which makes sense given her background. Tabitha is most concerned about the video game thing, and asks when he works and what not. But he retorts and remarks that he's at home with her at 2 a.m., playing video games, as opposed to playing games with her. oooooo.
Second Round
Nate: I'd rather ride my bike than have sex.
Ted: I was rejected by a sperm bank. (Jerry says, "You have to find out why - Too many deposits?")
Myron: I must get drunk before sex.
The bike guy? Y'all got issues, dude. Tabitha says she can vaguely understand it if it's a motorcycle, but if it's a bicycle, that's just messed up. The sperm bank dude is actually the least worrisome of the three, since I'm under the impression that you have to be a superstar athlete or a genius to donate now. So, I'd eliminate the drunkard, since that's a pretty severe ailment to have.
However, Tabitha is on an opposite wavelength from me (or she's just nutty and craves chaos) and eliminates the sperm bank guy. This turns out to be Ted, a.k.a. Egon, who reveals it was probably just because he's near-sighted. This makes Tabitha feel bad, but womp womp womp to her. Especially since Nate describes his love with the motorcycle as valid because it doesn't talk back or ask where you've been.
Time for the hot spot! Nate describes himself as amazing in bed, he's never too old to "pick up a young girl" (???), his most sensitive body part is "yes", he's give Tabitha the nickname Kitty, and he's dated "a couple" girls at the same time. Myron loves breasts (well, lucky him!), he lied about being in love once, he wears boxers to bed, he's hook up with Sarah Palin (limited to politicans), and he's fooled around on a hotel balcony in Vegas.
Final Elimination Round
Nate: I slept with my brother's girlfriend.
Myron: I dump girlfriends if they gain any weight.
Ted (eliminated): I've paid for several prostitutes.
So much for my defense of Ted a second ago. That would have been an immediate dealbreaker for me. Tabitha is annoyed with Nate (and the sudden lisp that he has) for sleeping with his brother's girlfriend. She seems more mild about Myron's baggage, and overall, he does seem like a more decent dude. (Or at least, he fakes it better than Nate, who sounds like a drug addict.)
Tabitha makes her choice... and dumps Nate! Good for you, Tabby! It's rare that I agree with a choice that they make on the show, but Myron did seem like the better choice, given that he lacks a big rack. Anyway, Tabitha's baggage is one of the following:
- I had an affair with a married woman.
- I dated an 80-year-old man.
- I faked a pregnancy to keep an ex.
Well, the affair thing I'd be the most lax on. Not because it was with a woman, but because 1) she might not have known or 2) it could have been a couple years ago, when she was just going through a weird phase. The 80-year-old thing I could dismiss for similar reasons, although it suggests either serious gold-digging or daddy issues. The faking a pregnancy thing too seems like a "young girl" stupid mistake. So really, as far as Baggage goes, Tabitha's issues are pretty mild.
Myron said he would have the most issue with the fake pregnancy thing, because of the deceit involved. Tabitha reveals her baggage to be... Dating an 80-year-old man! Myron says, "My grandma says people older than a certain age give you worms." Tabitha makes it worse for herself by saying the guy "met all her needs" and ran errands for her. (He's 80, what could he possibly have done for you? Moved your furniture?) However, Myron is a boob man, so he accepts her baggage. And in a rarity for this show, he gets a smooch on the cheek from her in the "after baggage" segment.
Time for another bit of The Baggage Game. As usual, this episode can be viewed at the bottom of my entry, and the excess baggage interview session can be found here.
Today's contestant is Morgan, a therapist from Los Angeles, California. She kind of looks like what I imagine the little girl from The Cosby Show growing up into, instead of the real-life alien that possessed Raven's body with a vicious appetite. Or, if you want a more normal comparison, one of the girls from Sister, Sister. She wants a guy who is safe, sane, smart and sexy. Jerry says the fifth S, of course, is Springer. ba-dum-ching!
First up is Christian, a "business owner" from Naseau, Bahamas. If there is one thing I've learned from Baggage, it's that nobody's job title just describe what the eff they actually do. He does mention that he owns a beach house though, so he must be doing well. Smitty is next, a hunky high school teacher from Detroit, Michigan (and surprisingly not Boston, considering his name). He loves sports and the outdoors, which is not shocking in the slightest. Finally, we have Xander, an "Internet investor" from Sacramento, California. He's wearing a stupid paperboy hat and a pink / bright peach shirt, and a vest. I'm not sure if it's acceptable for me to hate someone for stupid wardrobe choices, but if so, he would qualify.
First Round
Christian: I speak to the dead with a Ouija board. (Jerry: What are they saying these days?) Smitty: I never wear underwear. Xander: I can't sit through a whole movie.
Christian says he started talking to the ghosts when he was 14 - Morgan doesn't seem as concerned with this as she should be. She's definitely thrilled though when the hunky Smitty reveals that he doesn't wear underwear, and as proof, slides his off as Jerry does the reveal. Meanwhile, she isn't impressed with Xander, and I wouldn't be either. What gives man, are you 11?
Second Round
Xander: I shaved a girlfriend's head after an argument. Christian: I'm the authority on penis enlargement. (Jerry: I don't know which one it is, but if you could leave me your card...) Smitty: I'm dating four women right now.
Oh wow. The head shaver would definitely be the dealbreaker for me, just because it's so wickedly vindictive. It narrows out the "four women" guy, although just barely, to me. I would figure I might be able to get them down to just me, because I'd be awesome. And the penis thing, ick. It's a little gross, but I would date a girl with breast implants, so if I was a woman, I don't think a guy who has done the enlargement thing would freak me out.
Morgan sides with me, and boots the headshaver, which turns out to be fidgety Xander. womp womp. Xander says his ex dared him to shave her head, and hey, that Morgan shouldn't worry, because it was just down the middle. Oh, well, if that's the case... Meanwhile, Christian actually wrote a book about how penis enlargement works. Ye Gods. At least Smitty is a beautiful bastard, and thus, it's understandable that he'd have four ladies. (He does come across as smug.)
Hot spot time! For Christian, Morgan isn't allowed to touch his computer, Sarah Palin would be his running mate (Morgan gapes at him), he wants women to notice his smile, he'd pass time in a bank vault with Morgan by talking about his book, and he hits on women by, well, just talking to them. Smitty would like to work out his anxiety issues, he used to be a fitness model, he adjusts his junk in the car and he gives two BS answers to other questions by Jerry.
Final Elimination Round
Christian: I've never had a girlfriend. Smitty: I get drunk every single day. Xander (eliminated): I've produced porn.
Whew - It's probably for the best that Xander got S-canned earlier. Smitty's baggage is the worst of the three, given that he is clearly a raging alcoholic. (Reminder: He's a schoolteacher.) Christian's baggage is just weird, since he's a decent looking guy, and he looks at least 30, and maybe close to 40. I'd definitely eliminate Smitty, and reluctantly go with Christian. If he was closer to 30, it would be more normal, but he's way too old to have never had a girlfriend.
Morgan, proving that she might actually be a decent therapist, chooses to send Smitty the Drunken Pity home. Woohoo! But she has baggage of her own, which could be...
- I've slept with 14 celebs. - I was in a mental institution for a year. - I have a $10,000 room just for pleasuring myself.
The celebrity thing actually wouldn't bug me, unless she was specifically going after them. She's easy on the eyes, so hey, why wouldn't a celebrity want to date her? The mental institution thing would be the most worrisome of the three, but I don't think it's true at all, given her current job. And the $10,000 room... Well, uh, that's actually kind of normal given the usual issues with this show.
Christian says he would have the biggest problem with the mental institution thing as well. Hey, high-five, mental brother! However, her actual baggage turns out to be the $10,000 answer. (See what I did there?) Christian worries that it's a lot of competition for him, but Morgan said he's welcome to participate. Hi-oh! Morgan says she's been celibate for two years, and the room is a way to stay healthy and what not. Of course, this isn't much of a real issue for Christian. He does the fake-out but accepts her baggage, and they embrace. (And by the way, he's about 7-feet tall, and she's barely 5-feet tall, which makes for a humorous camera angle.)
Ah, back to the normal schedule for the glorious Baggage Game. As usual, if you want to play along, you can find the link to the episode at the bottom of this entry. The excess baggage for this episode is here. Let's play!
Tonight's contestant is Angelo. He is black with a bald head, and he looks pretty cool to me. However, he's a telemarketer from Norfolk, Virginia, which certainly doesn't sound that cool. His first potential date is Cassady (not a typo), a sales rep from Birmingham, Alabama. She's so sassy, Phil Hartman would immediately approve her for a Tiger Beat photo spread. She's also working on a book. Next is Jennifer, a make-up artist from Newport Beach, California. She certainly wears her work, as her eyes are caked in about 20 pounds of shadow. She looks like the chubby Valerie Bertinelli. And finally, there is Yunga, a voice teacher from Atlanta, Georgia. She looks and sounds like a tranny. So, uh, this isn't the greatest edition of the game ever from a T&A perspective.
First Round
Cassady: My men must wear lipstick. Jennifer: I have a eflated breast implant. (Jerry says, "When I get a flat, I call AAA.") Yunga: I eat three boxes of chalk a day.
Why the hell would you want your man to wear lipstick? Jerry asks the same thing, and Cassady gives a snotty answer about how he should be secure enough in his manhood to wear it. That's great, since it's basically a "yeah, but still" answer that has nothing to do with anything. Jennifer's 50 pounds of make-up worry me more than the 50 pounds she's lost in one boob. (Angelo asks how do you walk around with a girl who has one big breast and one little breast. Jerry says, "Just look at the big one.") As far as Yunga goes, what the fuck girl??? And she eats a piece of chalk on the show!
Second Round
Jennifer: I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend. (Jerry says, "Could be a two-fer.") Cassady: I have an intimacy schedule. (Jerry: You just have to find an opening... in the schedule!) Yunga: I steal meat from the grocery store.
Of these, the meat thing is the weirdest, but it wouldn't worry me as much as the intimacy schedule. Listen, I'm a passionate, passionate man. And the "still in love with the ex" thing would be the one I would chose to eliminate, even if it is with a woman. Why are you on the show then if you're still in love with someone else?
Angelo eliminates the meat girl though, and I can understand his reasoning. That's just so bizarre. It turns out to be Yunga, the chalk-eater who looks like a tranny. On her way out, she classy remarks that, "I might like to eat chalk, but that's not the only thing I like to put in my mouth." You stay classy, Yunga.
We move on to The Hot Spot. For Cassady, she likes fine wine over cold beer and hard liquor, she spits out a fat rhyme that impresses Angelo, she has talked about her ex on a date, she has a nipple ring (just one), and she likes being called dirty names in the bedroom. (Jerry says, "Sit down *****!") Jennifer prefers candles and rose petals over whips and chains, she has woken up with someone she doesn't know while drinking, she thinks she's funny, she writes to her ex'es behind her boyfriend's back, and she would give Angelo the nickname Angel.
Final Elimination Round
Cassady: I refuse to use any type of birth control. Jennifer: I have 21 tattoos and want my entire body covered. Yunga (eliminated): I was court ordered to get anger management counseling.
Well, it was nice to know you, Cassady. She says she's really ready to have a family, and she doesn't "dig" conventional medicine. As far as Jennifer, I'm not really into tats, but Angelo is. (Jennifer is wearing a long-sleeve jean jacket and pants, and isn't showing much skin.) Given her other answers, I'd chose Jennifer, although I probably wouldn't really be into either.
Angelo doesn't agree with me, and he sends Cassady packing. And, given that his baggage is one of the following three...
- I've impersonated a star athlete to score. - I've impregnated nine women. - My family has a restraining order out against me.
... it will be HILARIOUS if he has impregnated nine women. Wouldn't that just be SO perfect for Cassady? Personally, I'd find that the most concerning thing, but hey, maybe Cassady is really so desperate for a family, she doesn't care about the character of the dude slingin' it in her. The star athlete thing isn't that big of a deal at all, since we've all told silly lies at one point or another, and the family thing is understandable given the right circumstances.
Surprisingly, Cassady says the kids thing would worry her the most, and of course, that's what Angelo's baggage is. He says it was when he was younger, and he adds that it doesn't mean he has nine kids, as if this makes it better! Good God, man. Cassady says she's sorry, but she can't accept his (deadbeat) baggage. Good choice! She sends him off with a rap: "Hey yo Angelo, your rap was weak, and so were your condoms, freak."
I hope you all enjoyed the temporary respite that Legends of the Hidden Temple provided last night, because night, it's back to messed up dating! :D To watch this episode, check out the bottom of the entry. For the extra baggage with the dater, click here. And the picture to the right comes from here.
Today's dater is Michael, a medical spa consultant from Cleveland, Ohio. This sounds like another fake job that they have regularly on the show, except that Jerry actually asks him what it is. Nice follow-thru, Jerry! Michael explains that it is his job to make men and women "look better and feel better." This basically makes him sound like a whore. He is very, very pretty looking.
The first potential date is Kathleen, a teacher from Palm Harbor, Florida. She's an attractive blonde, but looks close to 40. Next is Farib, a marketing executive in a cute zebra-print dress from Denver, Colorado. And finally, there is Thao, a makeup artist from Fountain Valley, California. Her (ample) chest is squeezed so tightly by her low-cut pink dress that it is in danger of becoming a FCC violation if she breathes heavily. Despite this garish attire, she is the cutest of the three.
First Round
Kathleen: I wear three bras at once. Farib: I can't swim. (Jerry says, "Is that really a problem?" I'm with him.) Thao: I only eat Asian food. (Note: She is Asian.)
Kathleen's baggage is certainly... odd. Her chest does look a bit padded. Kathleen said she made the switch when she got into trampolining (?) and said it helps keep her breasts perfect. Farib said she's afraid of water a bit, since a traumatic, near-drowning incident as a kid. Meanwhile, Thao's baggage is already annoying. Seriously, NOTHING but Asian food? Howdareyou.
Second Round
Kathleen: I'm bankrupt and live with my mother. (Jerry quips, "I'm not sure which one is worse.") Farib: My best friend Lisa is imaginary. (Jerry says, "If you think about it, that's a threesome.") Thao: I've dated men in jail. (Jerry, who is absolutely on fire, notes, "So have most of the guys in jail." ZING!)
Note - All of these women are grownups, so that thing with the imaginary friend? Simply unacceptable at this point. Likewise, the "bankrupt and live with my mother thing" is concerning, since all of them look at or near 30 years of age. Therefore, the jail thing would be the least concerning thing to me, which isn't something I say every day.
By the way, Michael sucks as a contestant. He is pretty, but he has the personality of my left cheek, and even that one is my uncreative one. He doesn't have much to say about the baggage, and he chooses to eliminate the imaginary friend girl, which I probably would have sided with as well. This turns out to be Farib, who said that she and Lisa debated, and Mike is too short for her anyway. (Then, in her post-interview, she says that his turquoise shirt doesn't turn her on anyway. Ouch!)
The interviews are a train wreck. Kathleen is close to 40, as previously stated, and she says that her house is in foreclosure "because I have a lifestyle I need to maintain." As what? Carrie Bradshaw? Meanwhile, Thao is bangin' prisoners, and her voices sounds like a ruptured bag of helium. Good times, good times. Michael is clearly more impressed with Thao, and I would be as well, although I'm not enamored with either one.
Time for the Hot Spot! Kathleen's greatest passion is her son (ick, how is that not baggage?), she waxes, she's had sex on a race track, chocolate is her biggest weakness, and the best thing she does sexually is "show up." Thao describes her sex life as hot, she bites her nails, her parents don't know that she posed naked, she can contort in bed and if she wrote a book about herself, it would be called Dangerous. Michael says he loves the edginess of Thao, to which Jerry remarks, "I bet you do."
Final Elimination Round
Thao: I cheated on each of my 14 boyfriends. Kathleen: I broke up a marriage. Farib (eliminated): I've never orgasmed before from a man.
Similar to the other week, Kathleen's baggage isn't that concerning to me, assuming she didn't know. She then reveals that she DID know, and said that even if they're married, why should she hold that against them? This answer just makes me think she's a pathological nut, of course. So oddly, Thao's baggage is more reassuring to me. I'm cocky enough to think that I'd be the guy to break the streak, whereas Kathleen clearly doesn't possess the maturity to be a decent mate. (And by the way, SHE HAS A KID. She's a mom and she's this much of a mess!)
Whew. Anyway, "Mr. Personalty" Michael ends up choosing Thao, and eliminates Kathleen. So, at least he has the common sense to agree with me. On her way out, Kathleen says, "Clearly Michael, you're all looks and no brains." Because really, when you're a 40-year-old with a kid, living at your mom's house with a padded bra and no money, you need to be fawned over. Anyway, Michael's baggage is one of these three:
- I was paid $1,000 to sleep with three cougars. - I have a diaper fetish. - I've been to rehab nine times.
If I was a lady, the diaper thing would be the worst by far, but all three would be dealbreakers. The prostitution thing, ick - Because if they need to pay you, they aren't attractive. And rehab nine times suggests an ongoing, persistent problem. Dr. Drew normally recommends that people in recovery not date for a year, and Michael doesn't seem like the most disciplined, cerebral guy.
Thao says she would have the biggest problem with the rehab thing, although she notes that the diaper thing would be "creepy" too. She said too many of her friends have been lost to drugs and alcohol, so the rehab thing would be a big deal. (This makes me like her more.) But surprisingly, Michael's baggage is that he slept with the cougars, which makes Thao burst out laughing. Michael gives a one-word explanation: Vegas. He said he was drunk, and they put the money on the table, and he took it because it paid for his trip. But Thao said that he was OK with her cheating, so she accepts his baggage. They actually seem to have some chemistry with one another, so hey, maybe it'll work out.
So, I've gotten some questions and comments while I've been gone. Doing my best to sum them up…
