Inexplicable Movie Review: Austin Powers 3 (GOLDMEMBER)

Note: Spoilers follow for the entire Austin Powers movie series.

 

So! Karen and I finally rounded out our viewing of the Austin Powers trilogy with the third movie the other night. While it wasn't as bad as I remembered, and actually enjoyable in some parts, it definitely feels like a movie that squandered an opportunity.

Austin Powers 3 is actually named after Goldmember, who's seemingly the main villain of the film. However, he's relegated to a fairly minor role because of all the other characters they have to cram in, either for cameos or full roles - Dr. Evil, Nigel Powers, Foxy Cleopatra, Scott Evil, Fat Bastard... As a result, Goldmember never really feels fleshed out. (Also, he literally peels his flesh off and eats it, which is somehow way more disgusting and not as funny as Austin drinking shit in the second movie.)

The back-burnering is the movie's biggest flaw. Since there are so many characters they have to include, pretty much none of them get all that much shine. Dr. Evil, Scott and the Powers family get the best lines and most development, and a movie centered around them would have been much better. Michael Caine as the father of Austin Powers is on-the-nose casting and works great.

The series as a whole gets a bit of a knock at times for just being crap humor (literally) and gags, but the first two movies actually have their good, subtle moments. You know, like when Austin tells Basil that Vanessa was a fembot. "Yes Austin, I'm afraid we knew all along. *long beat.* Anyway, your next assignment..." The first two movies simultaneously spoofed and embraced what you'd expect from a spy movie.

In contrast, the third movie is just kind of stupid and obvious, especially with its meta moments. The opening is fine, with camera mugging by Tom Cruise, Paltrow and especially Danny Devito. However, we then get the same "aren't we funny to be self-referential?" thing another half dozen times throughout the movie.

Also, there is a clear reason why Beyonce got out of the acting game, except for biographical music videos. She is just so meh in this. It would be one thing if she was hammy and bad - that would have been perfect for an Austin Powers movie. But she's just kind of there for the ride.

Part of it is bad writing, since she isn't given much to do. She gets kicked in the face by Goldmember three times, for example, whereas Vanessa and Felicity were portrayed as much more competent agents. Oh well. There is a big singing number for her at least, and predictably, she does knock that out of the park.

ODDS AND ENDS

- This is the last movie I ever received on VHS for a gift. I think even by this time, I had a DVD player, but for Christmas my parents could only find the vhs or something. I did buy some more tapes at a Blockbuster closing sale a few years later, but otherwise Austin Powers 3 was the closing act on VHS for me.

- I did watch the deleted scenes for this movie, and as usual, they left some good stuff on the cutting room floor. This includes a creepy song with a Rob Lowe cameo, and a genuinely funny Scott Evil moment asking about sitting in the head chair.

- Not included in the deleted scenes of this DVD release was one allegedly shot, which had Heather Graham (Felicity) explaining why she dumped Austin. That's always a weird, glaring thing to me about the third movie. It's a scene that literally would have taken 30 seconds to include, in a movie that already runs close to two hours.

- Two aspects of the movie that have not aged well at all - The Osborne family cameo, and Dr. Evil's "Hard Knock Life." Both feel pretty forced and not especially funny.

- Dana Carvey wasn't in this movie, but he was in Wayne's World with Mike Myers. That's close enough for me to acknowledge that his Nerdist episode was really awesome. If you're looking for 90 good minutes of Carvey, definitely check it out. He talks frankly about his impersonations, his career lull and the Wayne's World movies, and the effect they had on him.

- After seeing Austin Powers 3, I'm a bit more bullish on an Austin Powers 4. It could definitely work and be funny! Plus, even though the third is "only" about 15 years old, there have been such technology jumps again that there is plenty of fertile ground for Austin / Myers to till. You know, like Austin on Tinder, or playing Pokémon Go. 

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This week in random Hollywood re-tread news: The Hobbit, Top Gun 2 and Scream 4

I used to do a lot more random "news" and hodgepodge entries. Let's try to bring that back on a lazy Sunday that doesn't feature Chris Parnell and Andy Samburg, since Saturday Night Live was a repeat last night anyway.

- It seems like The Hobbit is back on. This makes me happy, especially since Peter Jackson is attached as the director now, as opposed to just being a producer.

I actually thought it was a bit odd that Peter Jackson started with The Lord of the Rings, as opposed to The Hobbit. In terms of source material, The Hobbit is about 100 times more readable and accessible. It moves at a pretty brisk pace, and there is a lot more action. Also, there is a giant effing dragon in it! That's always a selling point in movies for me.

In contrast, The Lord of the Rings trilogy has lots and lots of talking, along with aborted encounters. For example, the hobbits run into the ring-wraiths in the first book, but they don't fight them. This is a common theme through the series, as they run from the Balrog, the Ents take care of Saruman, and the one ring gets destroyed in a bit of luck, via a misstep by Smeagol. I think the height of the movies / books comes in one of the few confrontations, that of Eowyn dispatching the Witch-king. It was the only moment that made me go, "Wow, that's awesome!" The rest of the movies just featured a deep appreciation for what Peter Jackson had created, but yet, I wasn't spellbound.

- Unfortunately, Top Gun 2 sounds like it's going to suck. Blast is reporting via other sites that Tom Cruise isn't involved, and they haven't lined up Jerry B. as a producer, or other cast members. You can read their news item here. Without Tom Cruise, why bother calling it Top Gun? The movie is all about him!

I suppose they could try to lure Val Kilmer and/or Anthony Edwards back into the fold, and make a true sequel or prequel. But without either one of them or Cruise, it'll just seem like one of those crappy, unrelated movies that just uses an old series title to make a quick buck. (I'm looking in your direction, Bring It On Again and Dumb and Dumberer.)

Therefore, if you're actually going to do Top Gun 2, I think you need to make it into a spoof. I'm talking Naked Gun or Hot Shots or Airplane! style, with completely unawares characters in ridiculous situations. For example, you definitely need to the do the bizarrely hyper-gay volleyball scene again, but up the ante. Repeat it 15 times throughout the movie, or have a whole slew of volleyball players, or just make the whole movie about a big volleyball tournament as opposed to having anything to do with fighter jets.

- And finally, I find it odd that Neve Campbell was the holdout for Scream 4. Hey Neve, it's not like your door is getting knocked down by greedy agents desperate to ink you for your next role. Except for guest spots in some good television shows, her last prominent role was... Scream 3. Whoops.

I will add that Neve was really attractive in Party of Five, and especially Wild Things. Man, Kevin Bacon is probably a happy dude for life because of Wild Things... that son of a bitch. On top of that, he has a fun game named after him! And he's named after a delicious item of food! That sly, sneaky bastard.

TV Review: Everyone returns for incredible South Park

Last night's South Park? Simply incredible. It was the second part of a continuing story about all the people the boys on South Park had double-crossed and tricked getting revenge on the boys. The chief factions were the Celebrities, led by Tom Cruise and the Pope and others, and the Gingers, who Cartman had offended in the past.

The episode was South Park at its most self-referential best. For example, the middle of the episode features Kyle and Stan arguing with Cartman about what's more important - whether Muhammad can be shown in South Park (wink wink) or the true identity of Cartman's father.

Anyway, I won't spoil the big reveal at the end, but it's definitely worth the wait. The second part is the best episode of the season so far.

Grade: A+