Steveats: Taco Bell’s Naked Chicken Chalupa, not really for Valentine’s Day

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

It’s Valentine’s Day! And while that means it’s my birthday – happy 33^rd, me! – it also means that you might be looking for a romantic meal for you and your significant other. And, if you’ve suffered significant brain trauma, you might think that you’ll find that dish at Taco Bell. When Taco Bell announced the Naked Chicken Chalupa in January, it was sent to me by at least five loyal readers. I’m glad that I’m being fed this information, in turn to feed my gut.  

I finally got a chance to give it the ole Steveats try last week, and let me say… It’s not bad! The main “selling point” is the fried chicken shell. The chicken itself wasn’t bad. Fairly moist, and unlike what I first thought, there wasn’t beef in the chalupa. Just the normal lettuce, tomato, cheese and, according to Taco Bell, a creamy avocado ranch dressing.

However, much like the monstrous KFC Double Down, this chalupa is a “solution” to a non-problem. One of my favorite parts of any taco is the hard or the soft shell, whether we’re talking normal versions or special treats like them Doritos tacos. Why do we need to replace that with chicken? There isn’t any real benefit to a greasy taco “shell,” instead of just having the chicken inside of a normal shell.

The only real benefit to the Naked Chicken Chalupa right now is that it’s in one of the irresistible value meals. For $5 and tax, you get the chalupa, a regular taco, and a Doritos hard shell taco, plus a drink. And thank god, none of those horrible cinnamon twists anymore! It’s not a horrible overall deal for $5, so if you’re still curious about greasy chicken shells, knock yourself out. It’s a great Valentine’s Day experience, if you’re looking to leave someone horribly depressed and downtrodden about their situation.

Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other project! If you have a request for a future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check out some of the past Steveats, go here!

Steveats: Proper (Taco Bell) burritos

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

Taco Bell’s “new” crunchy cheesy core burrito is exactly what I want from a fast food item – disgusting, but kind of delicious, and ultimately incredibly filling.

The substance in the middle is way more Molten Cheese-Like Substance, as opposed to melted cheese, but red strips” on the Taco Bell website, which is not a food product I was familiar with in the past. It’s still satisfying to the junk food portion of my brain. The other ingredients are the traditional Taco Bell beef-like product, and the “crunch” tastes like a mashed-up hard taco. They are ominously called “

Also, you will be happy to learn that there are no vegetables in this burrito, because why the eff would there be vegetables in there? Come on. This isn’t Chipotle. Why you want fancy?

I have the “new” in quotation marks because I’m fairly certain that I’ve had this item from Taco Bell before, despite the advertising suggesting that this is some novelty. However, I’m also almost positive that all items from Taco Bell were actually conceived in their Secret Laboratories 50 years ago, and they just patiently dole out “new” ideas every couple of months, when people have forgotten that they were items actually already out.

Anyway. After a brief flirtation with that vaguely healthy crap and Chef Lorena Garcia, Taco Bell has really embraced what it is. Namely, a place for stoners, the gluttons and the cheap to get an obscene amount of food for $5 or less. (I fall into either the second or third category there, for the record.)

According to the online nutritional facts, the cheesy core burrito is 610 to 630 calories, which seems disgustingly accurate to me. There is a spicy variant that reduces the calories slightly – 540 to 570 – and swaps out the “red strips” for jalapeno peppers. I’m way too much of a wuss to handle jalapenos, but hey, maybe that’s more your thing.

Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other project! If you have a request for a future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check out some of the past Steveats, go here!

Steveats: Burger King Whopperrito (ugh)

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

It was only two months ago that I was embracing Burger King’s experimentation. They struggled with some disgusting or lackluster items, like hot dogs, the Angriest Whopper and the Philly cheeseburger, before finally striking some orange gold with the Cheetos bites – the perfect sort of fast food junk I would want at 2 a.m. Between that, and the continued, serviceable hot dogs on their menu, I thought they might settle down for a bit.

NOPE. Hence we have the new Burger King Whopperrito, which is exactly as successful as you’d imagine a burrito by Burger King to be. It’s basically a chopped-up Whopper in a crappy, microwaved burrito wrap. (As they were preparing my order, I literally heard them say, “It’s almost ready, I just need to nuke the burrito.”)

There is a queso sauce on it that’s somewhat tasty, but way too much lettuce, and as you can see from the burrito I got, there wasn’t much burrito prep training going on at BK to prepare. The “flour tortilla” was basically like eating a warmed-over cloth napkin. It was easily the blandest tortilla I’ve had in my life, even more so than the generic cheapo ones you can buy from the store.

A better idea for Burger King instead of screwing around with a burrito? Just offer a Mexican or Texas or Zesty Whopper! Spicy queso, diced pickles, and zesty seasoning of some sort. Or heck, just bring back the avocado burger, which should have never left the menu.

As is, the Whopperrito is edible, if you like the Whopper. However, I’d rank it near the bottom of available burritos from fast food places. It’s about $3.50, which is triple the cost of better items at, of all places, Taco Bell. Even the Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast burrito was quite a bit tastier than BK’s offering, and pretty much all of the fast casual places like Chipotle, Moe’s and Caliente blow this burrito away.

Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other project! If you have a request for a future Steveats, leave it in the comments on here or on my Facebook. To check out some of the past Steveats, go here!